Monday, July 30, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 10 - House Sex Paaaaaartay!!

Okay, just a heads up, people. I'm plowing through the last two chapters so I can be finished with this god-damned book.'re welcome.

Bill leaves a message on Sookie's machine saying she had better not go to the party alone, and suggests she brings Jason to the party. Uh, whafuck? Wouldn't that be one of the most uncomfortable sex parties ever? I mean, yeah, Sookie probably won't be sexing anyone up, but seriously, dude. Bring your bro to a fooking sex party? I want everyone to to go his or her sibling. Should you lack a sibling, substitute mother or father. Got it? Now ask him or her if they will accompany you to an underground sex party. Yeah. Maybe that's just okay in Bon Temps. 

While Sookie listens to her messages, she brushes her long, golden hair. I'm picturing Marcia a la Brady Bunch.

Eric walks in while Bill's cooing over the sexy night he had with Sookie. Sookie freaks out on him - because you know, that's what you do when people do you a favour. Eric asks what she's going to wear to the orgy, and Sookie casually mentions that though she knows she looks like a whore, she's never been to an orgy. Here is what Eric decides is appropriate.

A pink tank top with...

Lycra leggings. But not the same colour as above. Pink and aqua. 
With swirls (like her bro's truck).

I feel like I should wash my eyes with bleach after looking at these pictures. Oh my jeebus. This is what gay dudes wear to orgies. I've never been, so this could be very likely. But, for some reason, I don't think this is right. Sookie has no sexy clothes, so she wears shorts and a tank top. I mean, come on. Get with the program!! Why didn't she go shopping for some appropriate clothes? I'm sure Walmart has some sexy panties. The shorts are from her junior high days, so I'm thinking she's got some major camel toe going on.

Sookie mentions that they have the same hair colour, and Eric wonders if Sookie's carpet matches her drapes. I'm sure the answer is no. Eric mentions all his hair is blond. Eric tells Sookie to put some perfume on (to cover her nervous sweat?), and she puts on Obsession.

Another question - does anyone wear Obsession anymore? Really? I think that shit went out of style in 1993. I think you can buy it at drug stores now.

Eric asks what's going to happen at this party, and Sookie fills him in on her real agenda. During this, Sookie admits that she's not clever, which is just stating the obvious. She asks Eric to look after her at this party, and Eric's pretty surprised that she trusts him. Eric, feeling her blood tie, notes that she's happy. Well, of course she is. She's on her way to an orgy with a hot vampire who wants to suck her dry in order to clear up a murder. I mean, to feel any other emotion, like nervous, anxious, or upset...that would just make sense.

They arrive at the party, and Eric lays a huge smooch on Sookie, since they feel like people are watching them from the house. Of course, Sookie is an expert kisser. After kissing just one guy. Because Sookie's such a cock tease, Eric doesn't want to go in. He just wants Sookie all to himself.

So, the host of the party, Jan Fowler (I'll bet Lila is the daughter - and yes, that was a Sweet Valley reference...sue me), who is divorced (because all people who are divorced are into sex clubs) lets them in the house. Eggs is there with Tara, and is all turned on by Eric and his Lycra pants. Tara is embarrassed as hell to be there, apparently. Um, you know  you can say no to orgies. Mike Spencer (the coroner) and some Cleo chick are on the couch. Mike's nakkie and Cleo has underwear on. Cleo is also the high school lunch lady. Scrub that image out of your head. All I can picture is Chris Farley.

Mike's been titty-fucking Lunch Lady Cleo. You know how I know? Harris makes a comment on how Cleo's "huge milk-chocolate brown boobs" are all oily, as is Mike's pee-pee. Tara starts talking to Sookie while some dude is making his way up her inner thigh. Tara's, not Sookie's. Eggs comes back and starts to try to undo Sookie's shorts, while mentioning how huge Eric is.

Sookie's disgusted by the behaviour exhibited by people she's known all her life (what was she expecting, a chess tournament??), and is so happy that Eric's there. She starts to make out with Eric very enthusiastically. While doing this, she tries to read minds. Eggs starts thinking about Lafayette and his magic fingers, then about Lafayette struggling.

Jan starts to make out with Eric from behind, and starts rubbing Sookie's ass. All Jan is thinking about is Eric's huge wang and Cleo's milk jugs. She starts to read Mike's mind, and there's shit about Lafayette in there, and how they hurt him, and if they didn't stop, L would rat them out.

Sookie makes judgements about everyone there - that they're reprehensible for having sex for the sake of sex and not for the sake of love and togetherness. Um, get over yourself, bitch. Sookie tells Eric to get her the fuck out of there. Mike says to warm that cold fish, Sookie, up. Tom, the dude that was kissing up Tara's leg, takes a pause from his fish taco and gives Eric his blessing.

Sookie bitches to Eric about how dirty and disgusting those people were, and if people really like that kind of thing. Um, if they didn't, I don't think there'd be a huge calling for orgies, clubs, etc. etc. Eric mentions that the pervos are still watching them (he's laid her down on the hood of his car...I'm sure there's tons of insect guts etc on it), and starts to kiss Sookie. Sookie, of course, is on the case of who killed L, and mentions it could be Mike, Tom or Cleo. Eric is still trying to turn her on, and she (naturally) gets pissed off and says she doesn't like it. Bull...shit...

Eric is seriously trying to get her to fuck him, and says he'll protect her from Bill. Um, I don't think Bill will be pissed at Sookie, Eric. Sookie says that she'll ever have sex with someone else while Bill is her boyfriend and guess who shows up. Jason!! No, it's Bill. I just wanted to throw you for a loop, and not be as predictable as Harris. Anyhow, Bill is pissed that Sookie is with Eric.

Andy Bellefleur, for some reason, steps out of the bushes, all messy and stained. (Stained with what? He wasn't at the sex party...) Andy tells her to get away from Bill. I don't know why. He just does. Oh, and people come outside from the party. Some naked.

Bill is mad that she smells like Eric and...wait for this, it's hilarious...Sookie gets mad back. But that's not the funny part. The quote from the book is "...I lost my temper. This is a rare thing...". Um, bitch? Yeah, you getting mad? It's called a Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Fuck, it seems like you bitch out almost every day on someone else.

Anyhow, there's still the matter of Andy being drunk and holding a gun. He threatens to shoot Eric with silver bullets, which don't kill vampires. Andy starts yelling at the party goers to see which one killed L. He says if someone doesn't come forward, he'll shoot Sookie, saying that she wouldn't be much of a loss to the world (oh Andy, lurvs you!). Naturally, in the world where you don't threaten or even just dislike Sookie a little bit, shit rains down on you. She wants to squeeze Andy's balls (really, I can't make that shit up) but thinks he might shoot her if she does. Andy asks Sookie which one set him up, and she can't tell him because she's a shitty mind reader. Then Sam shows up in dog form. What the fuck is going on here? Anyhow, Sam starts to growl at Andy. Then guess who shows up!!?? Jason!! No, kidding again. You won't believe this (because it's so fucking stupid and this storyline should have never been introduced because it makes no sense and hasn't developed at fucking all)'s the maenad. Yup. She's back. After not being talked about since the beginning of the book, and after being referenced last chapter. Seriously. So fucking stupid.

Her name is Callisto, who according to Greek mythology, was a nymph and associated with Artemis, goddess of the hunt, not at all a maenad. But then, research and logical, coherent stories are not a forte in this series. So, yeah, Callisto wants a tribute. Andy offers up the murderer, and Sookie corrects him and says it's not just one murderer. The people on the porch want some of Callisto, but Callisto asks Andy what he wants. Turns out, he just wants to know who the murderer is. She whispers to Eggs for a while, then turns her attention to Eric, but he's dead and she wants fresh meat. Everyone comments about how they've never seen someone like her, and she keeps talking about how much wine and sex they've had. It's all quite mundane.

Here's a twist that everyone no one saw coming - the maenad thought that L was an offering for her. So, the story goes like this: Tom hit him because he likes to feel like a man while sexing him up the ass, and then Mike hit him because he threatened to tell.

Sookie, taking stock of everyone that took part in the party, makes sure to note that Tara is praying to God, therefore a good person, and Jan is pathetic, because she has sex to be liked. Yeah, I know of no chicks like that at all.

There's something brewing in the air...fear and madness. Kind of what maenads bring, but not nymphs. But whatever, I guess we're calling Callisto a maenad in this book. Then screaming, then "wet sounds". I didn't think they were in the mood for sex anymore, but then, weirder things have happened.

Sookie looks up and the maenad is standing over her, covered in blood. She makes mention that Sookie escaped the madness. The maenad tells Sam she'll miss him. Then she leaves.

Overview:  Sookie and Eric go to the orgy. Sookie is repelled by the pervs at the orgy. Bill comes and gets mad at Sookie for going with Eric. Andy shows up and wants to know who killed Lafayette. The maenad shows up and kills a bunch of people (I assume it will be explained in more detail next chapter). The maenad leaves. Why was the maenad even in this book? I have no fucking idea.

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