Monday, October 29, 2012

Club Dead: Chapter 4 - Beefcake-y Goodness

Since Sookie's being called out of town, she decides to do laundry and other housekeeping, as any normal person would. While she's doing this, she stews over the fact that Eric is making her go to Mississippi. She also broods over the fact that Bill being in her life has fucked her royally. Although I seem to remember the Sook-meister saying that her life sucked (no pun intended) before the vamps entered into it. We're stuck hearing about her mundane daily acts of living. Oh, and we're told AGAIN how much she likes to read and how self-educated she is...even though the books she packed were romance novels. All I ever learned from romance novels is a number of ways to refer to penises and boobs. That was when I was 18, and I'm proud to say I haven't picked up one of those pieces of crap for years and years. Then she goes to bed.

A thought wakes her up - what if Bill wasn't kidnapped but went to Mississippi of his own volition. Naturally, she doesn't use that word - that would be too big of a word for her. Then she wonders if the Shreveport vamps are looking through Bill's house. 

When she decides to really wake up, there's a knock on the door, and it's a big, burly man. She immediately knows that he's a were and asks him if he wants coffee. He tells her to throw some eggs and sheit with that coffee, and he's in. The burly were's name? Alcide Herveaux. 

Yum. I'd also like to throw out a thank you to Magic Mike for giving me some bedtime fodder. Sorry, must wipe drool from my keyboard and get back to the book. In a minute. Sigh. Okay. Now back.

So, Sookie cooks him up breakfast. And we're told he eats neatly. What does that mean, anyhow? That he didn't use his hands? That he didn't drop any eggs on the table? Or that he didn't lick his knife? Whatever, dude, if Joe Manganiello licked his knife, I'd just sit there with my hands under my chin, looking dreamily at him, and tell him to do it again. And if he wanted to bring his friend, Channing Tatum, along for breakfast, then by all means.

Magic Mike. Sigh. 

Sorry, off topic again. Seriously going back to the book now.

We're told in excruciating detail how Sookie washes her dishes. She thinks to herself that her life should be cooking and cleaning for a man - amazing, isn't it, when she tries to tell herself and the reader how liberated she is? We also get a description of werewolves, and the fact that Alcide is a real man. Alcide tells her he's cooperating because his dad owes a bunch of money to vamps because of his dad's problem with gambling. Sookie tells him that Bill is the only vamp that she voluntarily spends time with, and that a were had kidnapped Bill. Alcide tells Sookie that the were that kidnapped Bill is part of a gang of mainly weres and big shifters. Alcide asks what her reason/skill is, since she hangs with vamps. She's surprised that he's never heard of her (fucktard, he's from Jackson, in another state, why the FOOK would he have heard of you??!!). 

Alcide mentions that he doesn't trust Eric, and that he might use Bill for Eric's own devices. Sookie says that Bill "knows stuff". Sigh. Yeah, he knows stuff, Sookie. Alcide tells Sookie that what he'll be doing is taking Sookie to a club in Jackson that caters to weres and other supernatural creatures ("supes"). He tells her it's a party club, thinking that she wouldn't have anything to wear. Wow, I just realized - we didn't get a description of whatever fashion-backwards outfit Sookie is wearing. Hmmmm.

Sookie mentions that his girlfriend might not like him taking another woman to a club, and he says that he broke up with his girlfriend a while ago. Sookie thinks that woman is an idiot. That to me means that she and Alcide's ex have something in common. 

Sookie goes upstairs to put on one of the "party dresses" that she bought from Tara's Togs. That she bought herself, not through Bill's tab (you remember - he bought the building that Tara's store is in. What does the dress look like? I don't know yet, because she just zips up the bag the dress is in after admiring it. I guess we'll find out what it looks like later. Alcide comes into the bedroom and asks if Sookie is ready. He nods at her curtains for some reason. I've never had a guy come in and nod at any of my window dressings. But then, I'm finding that Harris's imaginary people and my real-life experiences don't exactly mingle cohesively. 

Sookie calls Sam and tells him that she won't be into work for a while. Sam wonders who is going with Sookie, and she tells him who it is. Sam wants to talk to Alcide. Sookie gives him the phone, and goes to look at Alcide's truck. It's a Dodge Ram extended cab. A real man's truck. To me, it would indicate compensating for a lack of size. Then Sookie is pissy for some reason. That reason? Alcide told her about the dress code at the club, but a vampire never would. Ummmm, okay. Makes total sense in Sookie world. 

Alcide comes back from talking with Sam, who had told Alcide to look after Sookie. Sookie gets a bit moist while checking out Alcide's truck, and snoops on the inside, looking at Alcide's company papers (which is a bit cunty - what if there is confidential information in those papers, artard?) and finds out that Alcide owns his own company and that he's got multiple offices. She asks if Alcide's dad is a were too, and he tells her that both of his parents are weres, and the only way to produce a were child is to have both parents as weres. Even after him telling her that, Sookie asks why there aren't more were children. Alcide also says that only one child of two weres carries the were trait, and that a lot of were babies die. Sookie finds out that Alcide's ex isn't a were but a shifter. 

That makes Sookie think about Sam and we get a boring ass recap of Sam's background. Sookie keeps questioning Alcide about his ex, and he says that he doesn't really want to pass his were gene on. I find that Sookie is getting mighty personal with someone she just met that morning, maybe a couple hours previous. Alcide says that he prefers to date human chicks but that it's hard but that he "ha(ve)s to date someone". Um, why do you HAVE to date someone? Just jerk off, jerkoff. Sookie thinks about how much she misses Bill, and that she realised that watching The Last of the Mohicans. Fuck, really? 

Sookie asks about what happens if Alcide were to bite someone while a were. She's told that would turn the person into a half-were, and some other crap. He says that weres can't come out to the general public like vamps did, because they'd end up in zoos. Yeah, okay. Sookie wonders why he feels comfortable telling her all his secrets (I'd like to know that too, I would have told that nosey bitch to fuck off already), and he says that it'd be easier to spend time with her if she knew everything about him. And what has she told him? Nothing, except that she dates a vamp who was kidnapped. He also says that he feels like he really knows her. How? I don't know. Because she cooked him breakfast and he saw her curtains? And not even her meat curtains...

Alcide continues to tell Sookie his life story, and it's really all blah blah blah. They stop for gas (is it necessary for us to know that? Not at all). Sookie, being the most awesome blond cupcake in the world, offers to pay for gas and Alcide, being the hunkiest beefcake in the world, waves off her offer. But you and I know that it was just for show - as if Sookie would have paid for the gas. After they stop for gas, Sookie tells Alcide about a field trip that she, her Gran and her Sad Old People's Club took somewhere I could care less about, and that Bill spoke at the Sad Old People's Club. Alcide asks who Bill's sire is, and Sookie says she doesn't know. She also says that she doesn't think that Bill is her boyfriend anymore (um, since when??) but that she still has to find him. 

They get to Jackson and Alcide points some boring shit out to her. They go to Alcide's apartment where they "scramble" out of the truck. Why do they scramble? Because maybe that's just the way they roll in Jackson. Alcide lets it slip that he and his father own the building (which are condos) and that there are some very infuential neighbours there...meaning Alcide's fairly well off. There is a fooking boring description of Alcide's apartment. There's a kitchen, a living room, a closet, two small (??) bedrooms and a small bathroom. Wow, judge much? But...the master bedroom is big with a big bathroom. Oh, and the whole apartment is beige. And has bamboo wallpaper. 

Sookie puts her shit away, and thinks about how great it was that her grandmother is dead and that she has the house to herself, since there wasn't any money when Gran died. Then she thinks about how much she's struggled financially, and how easy the Bellefleurs have it because Bill gave them a shitload of money, and how she's so much better than anyone else because this bitch don't take money from nobody. 

Alcide comes in and asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says lies, and says she's sad because she misses Bill, not because she's a broke-ass ho. Then Sookie realises that she wants to rub her sexy tan body all over Alcide, and she thinks about how warm Alcide is (as opposed to Bill, who is dead and cold). 

Then there's a complete change of subject, and they decide to go out for dinner. He says they'll go out at eight. It's currently two in the afternoon, and Alcide's going to leave Sookie alone while he goes out and does some business shit. The weird thing? She doesn't think "Oh, then I'll go out, walk around and check out Jackson, since I've never been here". No. The first thing that's brought up in the book is that his house is clean, so there's nothing for her to do there. Um, really? When I'm a guest in someone's house, I don't automatically think "Man, I've got to clean this shit up" if someone leaves me alone for a while. But then, I'm not socially retarded like Sookie. Alcide suggests that Sookie visit his sister, Janice, who is a hairdresser. Sookie, who was just whining to herself about her lack of money, is hesitant, but Alcide glosses over that fact by saying she should just go there to introduce herself to his sister, since they're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend and all. Then he leaves.

Overview:  Sookie meets Alcide. They drive to Jackson. We're introduced to the were background. That's pretty much it.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Club Dead: Chapter 3 - Kings, Kidnapping, and Killing

Thank you, my anonymous commenter, for getting my arse in gear to write another chapter summary!!

Sookie is in bed, with no plans on getting out of it - even when her doorbell rings. It's noted that she now sleeps in Gram's room, and that Bill has made a little dark place for himself for when he stays over. She decides that it's time to get up, and goes to look in his hole. His computer et al are in there, and she's all gooshy over the trust he has in her. She nods to herself (why, I don't know), and hides the trapdoor to the hole over and puts some summer shit over it. Then she goes back to bed. When she wakes up again, she realises that Bill is in bed with her, because there's cold arms around her. Ya, dumbass, it's Bill. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise immediately that it's Eric, which she eventually does. He tells her she stinks (awesome!) and that she should go take a shower. Eric tells her he needs to talk to her. She's all pissy and thinks about revoking her invitation into her house from him, but rethinks it when she figures out that if something happened and someone was there to kill her, Eric wouldn't be able to save her. 

After her shower, she puts on (seriously) a red and green sweater with reindeer on it. 

Sexy shit. She mourns the fact that Bill isn't there to brush her hair for her (sigh), as well as the fact that she's not sunbaked anymore, but thankfully because of fake bakes, she still has some colour. Then she goes on about how she loves summer. Then she thinks about how she thought that Bill would cuddle her up during the winter cold and yells "you bastard". You know, because he's missing and isn't there to be her dead old boyfriend. 

She comes out from her post-shower ritual of swearing about Bill and throwing a brush and Eric asks if Pam and Chow can come into her house. She admits them in, and we get a recap about how Sookie lives in Gran's house and Jason lives in her old parents' house. She goes on about how old the house is, and once again, I could give a fuck. 

Sookie gets some True Blood out for her guests, and then contemplates Chow. It's pointed out that he's Asian and has some tats, and blah blah blah. Then she contemplates Pam, who is wearing white knit pants and a blue sweater (not worth having a picture, sorry guys). They all discuss Bill, and Eric tells Sookie that Bill has been kidnapped. They don't know who kidnapped Bill, but some humans from Mississippi are witnesses. They're not giving up any info, and Sookie finds out that there is a king of Mississippi. She thinks that's funny, because she does not have a good sense of humour. Also, she remembers that there's a queen of Louisiana. She asks Eric if he's the king of Louisiana, and he replies that he's the sheriff of Area 5 (so we now find out Eric's title). This makes Dumbass cry because she laughs so hard. Dumbass. Eric explains how the US is divided into territories and kingdoms (or vice versa). Russell Edgington is the king for Mississippi, ordered the kidnapping of Bill, and he's the guy they have to go to if they want any real information about where Bill is. Before they go that route, Eric wants her to use her telepathic powers on the humans. Sookie wants to know what's going on, so Pam tells her:

- Betty Jo (who is second in command from Russell) was supposed to take a flight to St. Louis;
- Humans took Bill's coffin instead;
- The humans left Bill at Anubis Airlines unguarded;
- Someone took Bill's coffin.

Sookie has doubt that someone could over-ride the airline's security. The papers for Bill's coffin may have been mixed up with Betty Jo's, who was supposed to be making trade agreements with Missouri. Sookie wonders why they would take Bill, and Eric mentions Bill's little top secret project, and asks Sookie what she knows, which is really nothing, of course. Eric doesn't believe that Sookie doesn't know anything, to which she replies bitchily that Bill is an almighty vampire and she a mere human, and why the fuck would he tell her anything. Eric becomes authoritative and says that she better be telling him the truth, or there will be T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In the form of torture, which he doesn't want to do because he might break her and she'd be useless to him (dude, she's already useless...just saying). Eric lets it slip that the project that Bill was working on was behind his back, and Sookie has an "uh-oh" moment. Then she blames Bill for putting her in this situation (what situation? Of not knowing anything? Of having 3 vampire visitors? Being in danger? She does that just fine on her own). So, what does she do? She starts crying. Pam (loves her!!) says "She's leaking again". Pam wants Sookie to be informed of everything that's going on, to which Eric and Chow are doubtful. Eric tells Chow and Pam to go outside. Sookie gets pissy that they leave their unrinsed bottles on her table. For someone who is so keen on manners, I wouldn't expect my guests to take bottles or glasses to the sink and rinse them. Douche. 

Sookie contemplates fainting but Eric tells her to knock that shit off. He tells her that he doesn't want her to be scared of him, because he likes her. He also wants to fuck her. Hey, at least he's straight-up about it. Sookie notes his fangs are out, so he probably wants to do her right now. Sookie asks if he plans on torturing her. He says no. Then Eric tells Sookie the situation. 

Turns out that Bill was summoned to Mississippi by a woman vampire, Lorena, who had been seriously involved with Bill for years. She has some kind of power over Bill (I do know what it is, but I'll keep it a secret for those of you who don't know), but even then Bill wanted to make sure Sookie was looked after, financially. Sookie takes this as an insult (of course she does, dumbass). Eric didn't want to tell Sookie this, but claims Pam forced his hand. Eric tells her that her task has her life, Bill's life, Eric's life and probably others in Sookie's hands. Oh, dude, good luck with having that artard in charge of making sure shit happens. Eric tells Sookie that she won't be going into this alone, that he's hired a werewolf to be her bodyguard. Sookie and the werewolf will go around Jackson and will scan the brains of the humans around Russell's kingdom. Eric also notes that the guys who took Sookie were probably from Jackson and were werewolves as well. Sookie snarkily says that instead of her, they should have taken Lorena, to which Eric replies they may already have Lorena, and it may have been Lorena who betrayed Bill. Eric also wonders aloud why Lorena was in Mississippi and talks about how they could or would handle it, like kidnapping someone in return, which would result in a war. Eric tells Sookie that they'll get Bill back, and if she wants, they (Sookie and Bill) can be together again and reassures Sookie that he (Eric) is looking out for her. 

Sookie tries to break down what Eric has told her - that Bill was working on a project for the queen of Louisiana (I didn't get that, maybe I'll quickly re-read what I skimmed over) and can barely restrain herself from laughing about the queen thing again (fucking dumbass) and that Eric had no idea about the project.

Okay, just quickly re-read, and it mentions nothing in this chapter about Bill doing anything for the queen, but since it's been so long, it may have been mentioned in another chapter, and I've since forgotten. Anyhow on with the story. 

Eric tells Sookie that the queen told him that Bill was working on something, but that the queen doesn't know Bill is missing. Sookie asks why, and Eric says that the vamps in his area would be severely punished. Then he rubs his face on her cheek. Um, where the fuck did that come from? Sookie pushes and wants to know what the queen will do, but Eric won't tell her. So, then Sookie wants to know what she gets out of this deal. Eric say she'd get Bill back, and wouldn't that be enough? Haha, Eric! Way to stick it to her! Sookie, being the greedy bitch she is, says that's not enough, and that she wants Eric to kill Lorena (get rid of her competition, so to speak). Eric agrees, but asks if Lorena was human, would she still be asking Eric to do this. Sookie says no, if Lorena was human, she'd kill the bitch herself. 

Eric and the other vamps leave, and Sookie contemplates her new bad temper, and blames it on her interactions with vampires. Yeah, Sook, I'm kind of thinking you were a full time bitch before they came on the scene. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Overview:  Sookie finds Bill's computer in her closet. Eric and his entourage come over and tell Sookie that she's about to find herself on her way to Mississippi to find Bill, who has been kidnapped on the orders of the King of Mississippi. Sookie blames her cuntishness on the vampires. I call bullsht.