Monday, February 27, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 11 - Elvis Has Not Left the Building; Shape-Shifters and Arrests

Almost done with this book, people!!!

Sookie's pretty much burnt out from all this killing stuff in Bon Temps. She tells her co-workers what happened with Tina (her cat) and they all feel bad for her. Sam thinks she should report it to the police, so she does. I'd love to say something bitchy like "Yeah, they're not busy at all with dealing with the Bon Temps murders or anything" but since one of the murders happened in Sookie's house and then someone hurls a dead cat at her door, it might look like she's being singled out. The sheriff asks Sookie if Bill likes cats. Well, he likes Sookie's cat, purr purr. The cat was strangled (wowzers), and Sookie tells Bud (the sheriff) that they buried the cat already. Bud keeps bringing Bill up and says that they'll probably have to exhume Tina. You know, because of all the DNA the killer would have left on the cat that he didn't leave on the bodies. 

Bud leaves, and Sookie vents a bit to Sam, saying what a douche he is, and that Bud uses big words instead of dumbing it down like Sookie would prefer. Once the venting is done, Sookie goes back to work. She is so damned dedicated to servicing people. She walks out of Sam's office, making sure that she doesn't turn him on. Because she stretched in front of him, and Sam, of course, was drooling while she did so. Sam must be really hard up, if someone stretching in front of him makes him all hard.

Arlene asks Sookie to look after her kids again, and this means Arlene is apologising to Sookie. Apologising for what? Being concerned for her children? But nobody should make Sookie angry. I think she believes it's a law in Bon Temps. Sookie agrees to look after the kids.

We are again subjected to hearing how little fashion sense Sookie has, because she puts on:

a blue and green knit short set 
(this is a skirt set, but I couldn't find any short sets for adults - which says a lot)

and a banana clip 
(this is the collection I imagine Sookie has)

Gorgeous!!! Cajun Rene drops the kids, Coby (8) and Lisa (5) off at Sookie's place, and they just adore their Auntie Sookie. Who doesn't? Sookie knows Rene likes the kids, and so that earns him a big kudos with her. Rene leaves, and Sookie gives the kids ice cream (which is probably the only reason they like her). I would wait until the kids were ready to go back home before loading them with sugar, but then I'm a real aunt, and I don't want to have to deal with sugar high kids. Sookie tells the kids that Bill is coming over, and she gets grilled by a 5 year old girl. Like does she get flowers (no) and are they getting married (um, no, because humans and vampires can't get married - kind of like how gay people can't get married to each other in the US, which I don't understand but that's a whole other kettle of fish). Bill comes over, and Lisa gives him shit for not sending her flowers. Yeah, he only saves her life. But you know, flowers are more important than that. I know a 5 year old wouldn't know that shit, but Sookie acts a bit put out that she's never gotten flowers or shit from Bill. Flowers or your life, dumbass. You decide. Bill kind of gets along with the kids, and babysitting goes swimmingly. Arlene and Rene come to pick up the kids. Rene and Bill are talking (Arlene and Sookie must be standing there staring at each other, not saying anything), when a new vamp comes up. You'll never guess who it is. It's Elvis! But they call him Bubba, because he's all fucked up from the drugs in  his system when he was changed and apparently doesn't like to be reminded of who he is. Or at least, that's what Harris tells you. Turns out, Bubba has a bit of a taste for cat blood. He would have liked Tina, I'm sure. Oh, and Sookie calls Elvis Mr. Social Skills. Ya, again, pot meet kettle. Rene and Arlene are halfway out the door, but then Rene notices who the new person is, and alerts Arlene. But that's about it; they drive off.

Elvis Bubba is there because Bill has asked him to look after Sookie. Bill has to get the fuck out of Dodge for a while, but he doesn't want to leave Sookie alone. Sookie gets pissed off at this, because she's perfectly able to look after herself. Um, no, she's not. Bill apologises (you know, because of that Sookie law) but says this will make him feel better about leaving. That placates Sookie, and asks where Bill's going. Turns out he's off to the Big Easy, and Sookie is jealous. Bill leaves and Sookie worries that Bubba is the one she should be concerned about. Why? No reason. Just because that's the way her left-behind brain works.

At work the next day, Arlene asks why Bubba was there. Sookie tells him it's because Bubba is her new bodyguard. Arlene talks about Elvis for a while, and Sookie blows it off. I don't know about the rest of the world, but if Vampire Elvis was looking after me, I'd be pretty psyched. Arlene says something about the cat blood thing, and Sookie tells her it was a joke. Funny. Arlene mentions how nice Rene was to Bill, and Sookie gets all up in her face. Arlene says it's because Rene has a problem with vamps. His sister dated a vamp for a while, and he didn't like it at all, but he's good with the sister, Cindy, now. Sam, who has been listening in, says maybe Cindy should quit her job at a hospital to work at Merlotte's with Arlene and Super Sookie. Turns out people are quitting their shitty jobs because that's who's been getting targeted for murder. Sookie calls herself and Arlene barmaids. Really? Barmaid? Until this book, I'd never heard of a waitress being called that. Who the fuck would call someone that? Is it a popular American term? Whatevs.

Sam asks Sookie to go through previous applications in Sam's office and so she does. She organises the piles, and has a special pile for people she hates - I'm sorry, but just because someone doesn't treat you like your shit doesn't stink doesn't mean they're not qualified to work in a bar, asshole. Oh, and a pile for dead people. Maudette had previously applied to work at Merlotte's. She must have been too pitiful to gain employment there. Harris makes sure to point out that Maudette can't write well or fill in blanks. Because she's stupid. Much stupider than Sookie. Maudette's stupidity makes Sookie feel bad, which is not allowed (may be an offset of the "Not Hurting Sookie's Feelings" law). Sookie goes from thinking about Idiot Maudette to Idiot Jason, and how she hasn't seen him since he took Desiree away in his truck, and how it sucked that he was such a slut who fucked everyone. Sookie starts breaking shit down.

Maudette and Dawn were both bitten by vamps. Dawn loved to fuck, and Maudette...who knows? I'm thinking yes, because she seems the type. Then she figures out that Jason isn't the only one who knew both chicks. Sam does too. Um, Sookie? Artard? Yeah, you live in a small town. I'm sure that both of them knew lots of the same people. I want to give her a haymaker in the baby maker. So Sam gets added to Sookie's list of murder suspects, because he doesn't like vampires too. Hard evidence, Sook. Way to go. Anywho, Sam comes in and Sookie points out a chick that might be okay to work there, Amy Burley. She tries to read Sam's mind, but it doesn't go very well. She gets all suspicious, and Sam can tell she's acting like a fucktard. 

Sookie gets back to work, and she can tell Arlene and Sam are talking about her. Dur. She's got a lot to talk about. Maybe they're talking about how great she is. I doubt it, but maybe. Sookie goes home after her shift and calls Jason, but he's not home. She calls Merlotte's (wasn't she just there?) and Terry tells her that he hasn't been there either. Then Sookie thinks about Sam. Then she thinks about Bubba. Then she tries to read a couple books, but because I think she may be a bit illiterate, she puts them all down. She can't watch TV because she's a bit of a moron, and then tries to read a magazine (see books and illiterate) and then throws it. So she kind of runs around her house, doing nothing. Her phone rings, and it's Terry, telling Sookie that Jason's in the bar now. In order to go to the bar, Sookie puts on a denim skirt and a yellow t-shirt. Why are we told in detail about what she wears? I think it's to emphasise that Charlaine Harris has no idea what is in fashion and to make sure we know that Sookie shops at Wal-Mart. Which comes through loud and clear, thanks!!

Sookie hits the bar in her stylin' clothes, and asks Terry where Jason is. Terry says he told her already she hasn't seen Jason in the bar, and Sookie gets confused. And leaves. Um, do you think this could have been a way for someone to get you out of your house, dumbass? Sigh. The thing is - Harris never explains who or what called Sookie to get out of her house. Because shit like that doesn't matter.

 Simple Sookie goes outside and sees a dog, and starts talking to it. Because Sookie is an animal lover extraordinaire, she takes the dog home and tells him to make sure he pees outside. The dog, she can tell, understands. She also tells the dog that someone will eat him if he doesn't run inside the house right away. So, don't pee or shit in the house, do it outside, but don't go outside because Bubba will eat you. (Rolling eyes in accepting confusion.) She tries to name the dog, but can't even tell if it's a boy or girl. She comes up with some original names (Rover) but gives up almost immediately. She gives the dog cat food (it's a dog, dumbass) and taco meat. Sookie? You don't want the dog to shit in your house, but you give him food that's almost guaranteed to give him diarrhea? Anyhow, she decides to call the dog Dean. The dog turns out to be a complete perv, watching Sookie strip and get ready for a shower. She explains to the dog that this is how people get clean. Really? I'm sure the dog, even if a dog could understand people talk (and the dog gets explained later and this turns even creepier), really gives a shit if you're taking a shower or not. Once Sookie's done and in bed, Dean gets up on the bed and gets ready to sleep. Sookie kicks the dog onto the floor and then starts falling asleep. And then the dog jumps up on the bed again. 

In the morning, Sookie's all stretchy and happy that the dog was sleeping there with her...BUT WAIT!! Dean isn't a dog - Dean is Sam. What the fuck? Sookie doesn't even get that freaked out that Sam's a shape shifter. She's more pissed that Sam watched her get changed. Turns out that Sam was worried that Sookie would be alone and thought he'd look after her. Sam explains the shape shifting thing to Sookie - he has to turn at the full moon, but he can change anytime. He has to change into the last thing he sees. All this information makes Sookie puke. Why? Who the fuck knows. But the fact that she has sex with a dead person is fine with her. Okay.

Sookie gets herself together and Sam and Sookie talk about things Bubba, Bill, vampires, cryogenics (I have no idea why, maybe so that Harris can point out that she knows about cryogenics). Oh, this whole time, Sam has been naked. So Sookie goes and gets some of Jason's clothes for him. Wouldn't that be a bit distracting? Anyhow, Sam doesn't need Jason's clothes because Andy's driving up the driveway and Sam turns into Dean again. Another chick has been murdered, and Andy wants to know where Sookie and Bill were the night before. The chick murdered? Amy Burley. She worked at a competing bar. Sookie pulls this out of Andy's mind, and he wonders how she knew that. She's all "Andy, fuck off, you know I can read your mind" and he lets it go. Amy was murdered in the same way that the other sluts ladies were killed. Andy asks if Sookie has seen Jason, and she says no. Andy's pretty tired, and Sookie says he can lay down in her spare room. What? Okay, so I've never been interviewed by a cop, but I don't think it would be okay for me to ask a police officer if he wants to take a nap in my house. I mean, he could go home or go to the police station and crash for a few hours. But okay. So Sookie takes him into her old room and lays him down, giving him a bit of a rub and tug before he sleeps. Haha, just kidding. We all know she wouldn't fuck Andy, because he's just an ordinary human, and that's not who Sookie goes for. 

She tells Sam to get dressed, and he does. Then he comes up behind her and starts rubbing her shoulder. Whooooooo sexy!! There's nothing like a good rubbing of the shoulder. Not even a massage, Sam? Slacker. Sookie starts tripping on him because he hasn't told her about the whole shape shifter thing the whole time they've known each other. Um, have you told Sam about your little mind-reading trick? Anyhow, Sookie drives Sam back to Merlotte's. Jason's truck is parked in the employee parking, and Sookie's all "Why is Jason's truck here?" She looks in and Jason's passed out, all stained (cum stained?) and there's a tape on the dashboard. Sookie tells Sam to call an ambulance, and Sam tells her to reconsider. But Arlene shows up, so Sam goes into his trailer to call the ambulance. Sookie goes to the hospital with Jason, but goes home to wait until Jason regains consciousness. When she gets home, she sees that Andy has left, and that Andy, being the nice guy he is, waited at the hospital until Sookie left in order to handcuff Jason to his bed.

Overview: Elvis is a vampire. Bill heads off to New Orleans. Sam is a shape shifter. Sookie sees Sam naked. Sam sees Sookie naked. Sookie shares her bed with Andy (but don't worry, it's her old bed and she's not in it). Jason gets arrested.

One more chapter left, people!! Aren't you just dying to know who the murderer is??!! And for me to delve into the next book??

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 10 - What's New, Pussycat?

The next day (after almost getting killed by then inadvertently drinking Long Shadow's blood), Sookie notices something. Again. She's sexier, more beeaaauuuutiful and blonder than ever before. What I'd like to know is how this is possible. Isn't she already near perfect? It must hurt to stand beside her. When I think of how Sookie must look, I think of Galadriel (from Lord of the Rings - come on, anyone else a nerd like me?) and how ethereal she was. But Sookie must have surpassed Galadriel by now, no? Anyhow, she drops some coins and can spot them from across the room. 

Is vampire blood akin to being bit by a radio-active spider? Wowzers.

When Sookie goes to work, it's only natural that everyone she works with notices how sexier and blonder she's gotten. You know, because she's the centre of the universe. While talking to Lafayette, she does some prep for the bar, and bazam! She slices and dices like nobody's business. She pretends nothing happened, and puts the fruit away (not Lafayette, the lemons and limes she cut). She shuts the door to the cooler, and when she closes the door, Sam is there. What I'd like to know is...where was he? Hiding behind the cooler door? Or did he sneak up behind her? Whatever, he's there and he's got his arms crossed. That means he's mad.

He notices (of course) that Sookie looks hotter than ever and asks her why she has a bandage on her arm. She says she got bit by a dog. Yeah, good thinking. Sookie gets all aware of Sam - the way his heart beats, his smell, and she can even tell that she's giving him a rock solid boner. Then another waitress comes in, and Sam loses his hard-on. This is because she's plump and dumb. Yes, Brainiac Sookie calls someone else dumb. This waitress is Charlsie, and she seems to be a happy simple sort. Her ass isn't as smokin' as Sookie's; this is pointed out and described as Charlsie's pockets being too full, because she's got too much junk in the trunk. 

Sookie gets to work and listens to people's minds to see if anyone in the lunch crowd has murdered anyone lately. She talks to Mr. Norris for a while (the old man from Gran's funeral) and he is thinking to himself that Jason is the murderer and that his daughter? granddaughter? was lucky not to be strangled by Jason (he caught them making out in Jason's pick up - classy!!). The sheriff is thinking how low class all the victims have been, and Sookie gets all insulted by this. I'm sorry, but wasn't she putting Dawn down before for being low class? Sookie grins her freaky grin, and at least one person is weirded out by her (Lafayette). People are thinking their own thoughts and thinking nothing in general about the murderer or Sookie, so that must piss Sookie off. 

Andy Beautiful Flower comes in with his sister, Portia, who is a lawyer and is therefor fat, manly looking and ugly. Because only waitresses and that ilk are allowed to be hot. Because men hate smart women, and because apparently Harris doesn't think smart women can be hot, Portia doesn't get any action. Andy is thinking about how sexy Sookie is (finally someone is thinking about Sookie again!) and feels bad that he's going to have to arrest Jason. Well, if that's where the evidence points you, I guess. Sex tapes - let this be a warning to you!! If you're going to beat a woman then have sex with her (or vice versa), don't tape it! While Andy's thinking this, Sookie forgets that she's a waitress and stares at Andy, probably with her mouth open, and the Bellefleurs ask her if she's going to get their order or what the fuck. 

Sookie's shift ends at work, and she starts to feel sorry for herself. Because she was such a bitch to Arlene, she can't confide in her, and besides, Arlene is too stupid (in Sookie's opinion) to understand what is going on in Sookie's life. She's got absolutely no one to talk to. That's what you get for having superficial relationships with people and getting mad at them for no good reason on your part. 

Sookie goes back to Merlotte's in the evening because she has nothing better to do than return to her place of work after working a full day. Actually, she goes there to listen in on thoughts again, I think.  She doesn't really know the waitresses working the evening shift. I have to big is Bon Temps, and how many people does Sam have working for him? When I worked in restaurants/bars, I always knew the people I worked with. But then again, I cared to know. Jason's at the bar, and when Sookie comes in, he thinks it might be a chick he can bang and is disappointed when it's just his sister. He gets all pissed off that she's there. I think bi-polarism must run in the Stackhouse clan. Sookie tells Jason that she's been mind reading but nothing's come up re: murderous thoughts. So Jason buys her a drink. Yeah, bi-polar for sure. "Why aren't you a chick I can fuck? Let me buy you a drink." Maybe he's thinking that with enough liquor...

Bill comes into the bar with a chick, and Sookie immediately deems her a whore. I'm wondering if she's looking into a mirror. Sookie, having had 2 drinks, is hammered and pouty. Just because Sookie left without saying goodbye or leaving a's no reason for Bill to go and find a replacement! And in just one day, never the less! Sookie wants to beat her up (I wonder where her street-fighting chain is), beat Bill up (I'd like to see that), then wants to cry. Turns out, Eric sent the floozy to Bill as a reward. Sookie can tell that Bill hasn't drank from her, because he's all pasty and icky looking. They go outside to talk. Bill drags the chick along and Jason comes running after. Not sure why. Being a good brother? Anyhow, turns out the floozy (Desiree) knows Jason. Bill wants Desiree to go home and Jason offers to drive her back to her home town (Monroe). Guess who's gonna be the star of Jason's next home movie!!! Sookie, being the swift thinking individual she is, wonders what Jason's motive is for driving Desiree home. HOLY FUCK, WOMAN, seriously? 

Bill and Sookie need to talk, and they go to Jason's house. Why? No idea. No real reason other than she doesn't want to go to Bill's and I'm not sure why but she doesn't think her house is safe to be with Bill. So they go to a romantic pond by Jason's house. Bill asks if the occurrences at Fangtasia scared her, and she's all "dur, grab a clue". Bill asks Sookie if she wants to be with him, and she doesn't answer him. He asks her if she loves him, and she says yes. He then tells her to knock it off with the "I'm leaving you" talk. Original storyline. Turns out, Sookie's scared of what Eric can make her do, and who he'll threaten to make her do his bidding. Bill tells Sookie that Eric finds her all sorts of fascinating, since Sookie is so beautiful and obviously has sweet, sweet blood. They then laugh about how delusional Desiree is, because someone once told her she was special in order to fuck her. It's affirmed again that the only reason Eric hasn't fucked Sookie 3 ways and sideways is because of Bill (nice emotional subterfuge, Bill!), and bla bla bla. They talk about Eric, but nothing really exciting: he's old, he's Pam's sire, he's bossy and used to getting what he wants. They talk, and I don't think anything new is said, really. They talk about Eric more, about the murders, who they think the murderer is, and then Sookie says something positive and bright because that's our Sookie.  Bill says he has to make some calls when he gets home. This is important, but not at all important at the same time.

Sookie goes home after talking and no kissing (boring, that's not what men are for!), and when she gets inside, someone throws something at her door. Sookie freaks out and calls Bill (hoping his line isn't busy because remember? he was going to make some phone calls) and he comes running over. He picks something up from the porch, and Sookie has a bad feeling. It's Sookie's cat. Someone killed her pussy. Remember that hole Sookie dug the other chapter? Well, instead of a tree, she's going to plant a cat. What foresight! Sookie starts crying after the burial (sounds like she has more emotion when a cat dies than her grandmother). She asks Bill to stay, and says he can make his phone calls from her house. She's fine if they're long distance calls. Bill says not to worry about it, he's got a phone card. This was what I assume the big deal is with him having to go home to make phone calls. For Harris to say that Bill has a phone card, and for Sookie to be amazed at this fact. Is it just me, or would a flush toilet amaze Sookie? Sookie's all sad and shit that her cat died, because she brushed and fed the cat and it was all for nothing, because now it's dead. Oh, and she makes a point of saying that the cat dying is sadder than her Gran dying. Fuck, she's a hero.

Overview: Sookie is somehow hotter and hotter every chapter, even though I didn't think it was possible for her to up her game, being that she's awesomer than awesome. Sookie listens into people's thoughts, but comes up with sweet fuck all. Portia Bellefleur is a fugly loser who can't get a date. Sookie's pussy dies. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 9 - Theft and Revelations

Sookie's getting ready for Bill to take her to Fangtasia to go and meet my boyfriend Eric. She's feeling great after her blood sucking event with Bill - she feels very pretty. Weird, huh, since we're constantly told how hideous she is to people. Sookie's trying to figure out what to wear, since she's already exhausted her short and skimpy dress outfits - or has she?? She doesn't want to be sexy (didn't she wear a skanky outfit before) and decides on jeans. Good choice, Sook. She also wears white sandals and a blue low cut t-shirt to show off Bill's bite marks. But she brings a scarf along, just in case trouble happens. She notices her hair is even blonder and shinier than before because of Bill's vamp blood.

Bill picks her up and she notices that he's fed. She compares the person Bill fed on to a cow. Nice. Does that make her a cow as well? Sookie comments on it, and Bill says he didn't get off on the feeding, not like Eric will be getting off on touching Sookie. Sigh, okay, I get it. We all get it. Sookie is desired by all. So they head off to Fangtasia. Sookie gasps before they go into Fangtasia. Why? I have no idea. I know that I gasp before entering vampire clubs. It might just be the way life is. Sookie takes note of the cars in the parking lot, and sees that they're all expensive,foreign and sporty. Vampires obviously don't buy American. Bill knocks a "secret vampire knock" (um, 2 knocks on a door does not a secret knock make), and Pam opens the door. They head back to Eric's office in the back of the club and Bill bows for him. Long Shadow, the bartender who wanted to take on Sookie and Jason in a threesome, is also there, as is a human, Bruce, who is an accountant. Harris describes Bruce's outfit. Why? No reason. That's just the way Harris rolls. Bruce is just a fat old balding dude.

Turns out someone is stealing from Fangtasia, and Eric wants Sookie to ease drop on his humans' thoughts to find out who did it. This is being done instead of torturing the humans. Eric is very much a humanitarian here, haha. Sookie wants to know what will happen when she discovers who is stealing the money, and Eric says he'll just make them pay back the money and turn the culprit over to the police. Sookie doesn't believe him (she must have grown some brain cells on the drive over, or maybe from drinking Bill's blood), and says she wants him to promise that he will turn the guilty party over to the police, and in doing so, she'll be his beck-and-call psychic. She also points out that the thief wasn't necessarily a human. Eric agrees to Sookie's terms, and Sookie holds on to Bruce's hand and starts listening to his  thoughts. Bruce is ruled out as a suspect. He doesn't have any idea who even did it, so...Bruce is released, thinking that maybe working for vampires isn't such a good idea.

Pam brings in the next suspect, Ginger, and Sookie goes to hold her hand. Ginger freaks and tells her to back the fuck off. Pam's instructed to hold Ginger down while Sookie feels Ginger up and asks her questions. Sookie asks Ginger if she took the money, and even though Ginger didn't take it, she knows who did and has been glamoured to not be able to tell who did.

Pam brings in another waitress, Belinda, and Eric asks her what Ginger has been up to and what she's been seeing. Sookie catches an image in Belinda's head and realises that one of the vamps in the bar has been stealing and asks Belinda which vamp it was. As soon as Sookie has the name, Long Shadow leaps across the room and tries to kill Sookie. He gets a bite of her, but that's about it. Blood starts to come out of Long Shadow's mouth and goes into Sookie's mouth (gross) and he turns into black goo. (Not exactly the type of goo Sookie's used to having in her mouth or on her face, haha.)

This whole episode has caused the vamps to get all horny. Eric asks if any blood went down Sookie's throat and she says she's not sure. Sookie wants to get the fuck out of there, and Eric comments that Sookie smells different. Different from what? Other women? Vampires? Of course, I know why that is (and so do you, if you've read the books), but oooooohhhhhhh foreshadowing, Harris!! You're so tricky!

But I know it's because she smells like....a waitress! After all, isn't that what we're told her over and over again in the book/series?

Anywhoo, Sookie tells Pam to get the hell out of her way so she can leave...and Pam does. What? I'm sorry, but I would have thought that Pam would have listened to Eric, not some pussy assed waitress. Whatevs. But this is explained away by Pam having blood lust. For vampire blood? Okay. Weird. Pam tells Ginger that Eric wants to see her, and Ginger gets all lit up like a Christmas tree.

Sookie and Bill go to the car, and Sookie notices that Bill's getting all turned on by all the blood on Sookie and she tells him to take a hike and take the equivalent of a cold shower until he gets over his blood horniness. Apparently, for the first time ever, Sookie's not in the mood to get fucked by Bill. But Bill doesn't give two shits. He grabs her and starts licking the blood off of Sookie's face. Like a dog. That is so hot. Seriously, have you ever been licked by a person? I mean, I've had a dog lick my face, and it's not the best feeling in the world, and as a joke, an ex licked my cheek. It was pretty icky. Not a sexy feeling. But I digress.

This scares and pisses off Sookie. She grabs his ears (yes, ears) and pulls his head away. Sookie must be one strong waitress, because didn't Bill just make a tornado type thing to hide a murder? But a girl pulling on his ears makes him stop licking blood. She yells at him, and Bill comes back to his normal, charming self. For once, Sookie understands why Bill was all hypnotised by the blood (but isn't understanding of her brother being upset and somewhat self-involved because he's under suspicion for murder or why her friend might not want her young children around a vampire...ok). Bill tells her to expect that Eric will call upon her mind-reading skills again. Sookie mentions that the sum of money stolen isn't really what would be considered a large amount of money to a vampire, and we're told about how vamps either would rob or glamour a person to give money or land to vampires. We also find out that Fangtasia is financed by Eric primarily then Pam, and Long Shadow was just a bartender (ok, so Sookie is Waitress Fantastico but a bartender is a lower life form? Le sigh) and that his theft was a great betrayal. Sookie makes a grand statement saying that vampires aren't smarter than humans like she thought. Well, darling, they're smarter than  you, but that's not a big jump. Then Bill drops Sookie off at home.

Short chapter, short summary. Sookie was also not a complete artard this chapter. Nice change. But the clothing descriptions go on, westward ho!

Overview:  Sookie goes to Fangtasia again to find out who has been stealing from Eric. She almost gets killed by Long Shadow, the thief. Sookie has a revelation.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 8 - Sookie, Super Bitch

Sookie and Bill, as we can tell from the last chapter, are together again. They spend pretty much all the dark hours hours together. Sookie has to take vitamins because Bill's drinking a lot of Sookie juice. Sookie's worried about when the next bomb might drop re: Bon Temps men hating vampires. All the waitresses are being super-duper careful when they leave work, but the other women have men. Sookie's the only lone ranger (even though it's pretty much pointed out that Bill's there 24/7 or Sookie's at Bill's - but we must forget that fact, because it doesn't fit in with Harris's storyline).

Jason's being a suckass to Sookie because Sookie has been such a cunt to Jason. So naturally, it's not Sookie's fault - it's Jason's fault. Jason's also become an alcoholic. Oh, and he's falling in lust with another chick named Liz Barrett. Want to make bets on who the next victim of the Bon Temps Killer will be? Jason's been advised not to talk to the po-po unless his lawyer, Sid Matt Lancaster, is present. Remember, he's the guy that Sookie likes based solely on the fact he doesn't treat her like a piece of shit.

Turns out the reason why Jason keeps getting called by the cops is...Jason likes to make movies of him giving his disco stick to the Bon Temps whore battalion. And, being the gentleman he is, he gave copies of the tapes to the dead chicks (minus Gran - I hope to fuck he didn't make sweet, sweet love to his Gran). Jason starts crying as he tells Sookie this and Sookie, being the understanding soul she is, calls him a moron. Pot, meet kettle. She tells him to stop making fuck tapes. Thanks, brainiac. I would hope he'd have learned his lesson. Sookie starts talking about his semen and how they would test it and it wouldn't match with all the spunk found in the dead chicks. Then she calls Jason a moron again. You're both fucking idiots, so suck it.

Jason asks Sookie if she wouldn't mind listening in on people's thoughts to see if she can't find out who the murderer is. It took him this long to think of that, and she's never offered up her mind-reading skills to help out her brother. Douche. She explains her mind-reading a bit to Jason, but he's pretty stupid so doesn't really get it. Liz comes in, and because Jason has the attention span of a 2  year old, he runs over to her and leaves Sookie in the dust. It's okay, because Arlene asks Sookie if she wouldn't mind looking after her little rug-rats, and Sookie just about pisses herself, she's so happy. Arlene asks if Sookie plans on bringing her un-dead beau, and Sookie gets all pissed off because why would that matter? Um, maybe because he drinks blood and she's concerned about her children, you fuck-tard. Arlene says she's not leaving her kids with a blood sucker, and Sookie is all whiny and like "I love your kids, do you think I'd let anything happen to them?". Maybe you couldn't control a strong and fast as hell vampire? Fuck you, Sookie. Fuck you in the ear. Sookie storms out after her whine-fest and leaves Arlene feeling like shit. Sookie, so far, you're 2 for 2 out of shitting on people today. Congrats.

Sookie goes home and Bill's all "Where the fuck were you?" and Sookie's all "I'm PMSing, fuck off." (Please note that the language of the above is said ironically, thanks!) Sookie decides to go outside and dig a hole. I am not kidding. She announces she's going to go outside and dig a hole. Bill helps, because digging a hole in the dark is what he excels at. Once the hole is dug, Sookie decides she's a gonna plant herself a big ole tree. From all that physical exertion, Bill attempts to carry her to the house (the only time I've been carried is by piggy-back, and the last time I got a piggy-back, my boyfriend fell and my ankle got broken. Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of being carried), and Sookie freaks out, screaming "I'm a fucking grown woman, you fuckwad!" (Minus the fucking and you fuckwad.) Sookie pouts and says sorry, and Bill says no problem, let's fuck.

After the fucking, Sookie tells Bill about her day, and how Jason wants her to do some mind snooping, and Bill agrees, saying that if they caught the murderer, both he and Jason wouldn't be subject to the town's suspicion. Bill tells Sookie that Eric wants her to come back. Sookie pretends she doesn't remember Eric. As if. Sookie doesn't want to, and Bill tells her he has to bring her to see Eric, since Eric asked. Sookie freaks out again (seriously this bitch must have hard-core PMS), and Bill tells her that Eric is the boss of Area 10. What does that mean? The area thing means Shreveport and Bon Temps, and who cares where else. Basically, Bill's telling Sookie to shut up and put up. If Sookie doesn't go voluntarily, Eric will send some minions to come out and get her by force. So, surprise, Sookie agrees to go. Man, this chick is some kind of fucked in the head. Bill tries to explain the differences AGAIN to Sookie, but I think she's somewhat mentally left behind. However, since Sookie is Bill's, Eric can't have sex with her and whatever. Turns out all Eric is apparently interested in is Sookie's mind reading. Well, it would be a good weapon to make sure that humans etc. weren't trying to screw Eric over.

To prepare for their trip to Fangtasia, Bill tells Sookie to drink from him, and goes on to list the benefits of her drinking his blood: she hasn't gotten sick, her luscious blond hair is even luscious-ier and blonder, her glowing skin even more glowing, and amazing tits are even more amazing. She had chalked all these side effects up to being relaxed. Um, relaxed? Your gramma was murdered not long ago in your kitchen, your brother is in suspicion of murder as is your boyfriend, and there's a murderer loose in Bon Temps. But sure, relaxed...

Bill promises not to fuck anyone while drinking their blood. From now on, it will be all business. As Sookie's about to drink Bill's blood, he asks her if she's turned on. She's not all that turned on by the thought of drinking blood, and Bill says fine, and does she want to drink from his neck, wrist or groin. Sookie, being the proper prim whore-tard she is, is disgusted by the thought of drinking from his groin. I'm pretty sure she's sucked his dick by now. Maybe not. But I think so. Bill tells her to bite away, and Sookie doesn't think she can, but she does, because that's how Sookie rolls - I knew she was a biter. Sookie starts sucking away, and Bill gets all kinds of turned on. For someone who was grossed out by the idea of drinking blood, she really goes to town. She goes on to think that she's living the high life, especially for a artard waitress from Bum-Fuck, Louisiana.

Overview:  Sookie and Bill are inseparable. Jason asks for Sookie's help, and Sookie bitches at him. Arlene asks for Sookie's help, and Sookie bitches at her. Both Jason and Arlene are left feeling guilty and worthless because Sookie is so much better than anyone. Sookie is educated in the benefits of drinking vampire blood. Sookie loves to suck on Bill's...neck.