Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Blog I've Recently Discovered...

A good friend of mine (thanks, Cherie) has introduced me to my new obsession - the Bloggess. The first one I read (June 2011 about the chicken entitled "Pick Your Battles" had me in tears. It is completely fucking hilarious. I highly recommend it if you're in the market for following a new blog (well, her blog isn't new, but if you're unfamiliar...).

Until next time, peeples.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Club Dead: Chapter 5 - Hooker Sookie Hits the Clubs

We begin this chapter with a description of Alcide's sister - not very interesting. Janice is tall and purdy. We're told that Sookie rarely visits beauty salons. You know, because she's naturally beautiful and doesn't need to do any maintenance like we normal folk do. Sookie tells Janice this, and Janice tells her that they need to do the works on this raw piece of mess that is Sookie. Janice wants to do this for Sookie because she hates Alcide's ex, Debbie. Janice tells Sookie that the event that Sookie and Alcide are attending that evening is an engagement party for Debbie and her new beau. Myself, I find that somewhat tacky - bringing a new (if fake) girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend's engagement celebration. When Janice starts to work on Sookie's hair, she naturally has to compliment her on it, and is all ooohy and ahhy over the fact that she's a  natural blonde (you just know the carpet doesn't match the drapes on this beyotch...and I'm thinking that she's got a bush like 1980s Demi Moore - Google it, because it would just feel wrong to post a picture of that). 

Sookie starts getting pampered. She gets a mani/pedi (red nails, of course) and a wash and set. She looks...amaze-sauce. Since Janice has been so nice to Sook, Sookie decides to return the favour. Surprisingly (not at all), there's a customer that steals Janice's earrings. Sookie steals them back from Janice without busting the old rich bitch who took them. She does so by telling the lady she has a spot of gel on her, and wipes nothing off "just for verisimilitude". Seriously. That's the word she uses. However, she uses it wrong, because the meaning of the word is "the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability". In one way, it could be argued that it's used properly, but in reality...not so much. And I think I just became dumber for trying to understand why the hell Harris would try to punch the English language in the box so hard. Then again, the legendary quote of "I must be gonna live" hurts my feelings so bad, I'm not surprised at this minor fuck up. Turns out, Janice is fully aware of the klepto-senior, and chides herself on leaving something within reaching distance. 

Sookie heads back to Alcide's place, and it's chilly willy outside. To which I say - shut up. Unless you have experienced -40 degrees Celsius with a wind chill (making it -50), then boo-frigging-hoo. Wear a goddamned jacket, pussy. Alcide's home and they make small talk. Sookie mentions that she's never really been at a salon, which shocks Alcide, so she distracts him with her shiny, red talons. Sookie warns him that she's going to whore herself up for the evening, leaving him wanting more. When she's done, she comes out and makes Alcide spill his sody-pop. Are you ready for this outfit? Because honestly, I don't know if I can find a freaking picture to match this masterpiece of shit-tacular trash. It's a red dress (described with three adjectives for red, in case you don't know what red is), with no shoulders and separate sleeves (like gloves?), is short as hell and flares out. 

This is the closest thing I could find to the description. I'm sorry guys. I'm a bit disappointed in myself. The only other thing I could find that came close was a red latex dress being worn by what looked like a very buff tranny. Which tells you something. Okay, since you begged so much (I can read your thoughts...just like Sookie), I've included that image.

She is also wearing red heels and red lipstick. To which I say whafuck? You don't wear that much red together. It's called moderation, dumbass. Nude heels, and maybe red lipstick, depending on whether or not you can pull that off...and I don't think Sookie can. Oh, and she has a silk shawl and a beaded handbag. Because you know that details matter. 

Sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth at the thought of that outfit. Erg.

Alcide tells her that she looks mouthwatering. Yeah, you know how your mouth starts to water before you puke? I'm thinking that's the kind of mouthwatering he means. Naturally, because Sookie has issues getting in and out of vehicles, Alcide has to help her get into his man-truck. He takes her to a nice restaurant before they crash his ex's party. One woman there thinks she looks like a hooker, which Sookie takes as a compliment, because she's a fucktard. They do the cheque dance at the end of the meal, which makes me laugh. As if Sookie could afford to eat at a high-class restaurant herself, never mind paying for 2 people. Alcide leaves a good tip, which makes Sookie happy, since she can't wait to receive a bit of Alcide's tip herself. Alcide asks her what she thought of one man in particular, and Sookie says he's planning on taking advantage of I guess Alcide didn't know about Sookie's little mind-reading trick, so she tells him.  Sookie thinks some catty remarks about the dude's wife, because she takes care of her appearance. You know, because Sookie's just naturally stunning, blond, booby, leggy...sigh. Whatevs, dude, whatevs. Alcide tests her mind reading abilities a bit and it's boring. They discuss why Sookie's in Jackson again, and I'm bored. 

They get to the were club and Sookie asks if it's a club open to the public, and Alcide tells her it is. Sookie finds the club unappealing from the outside. Want to know what the name of the bar is? Club Dead. How funny, huh? The club is owned by a vampire and they have a goblin working at the front door. They go in and Sookie is disappointed at how lame-sauce the club looks. There are signs on the walls warning the clientele not to change into their were selves while at the club. The people who are in the bar are vampires, humans, and weres. Sookie spots a couple surrounded by party animals (haha, I'm funny). She's tall with short dark hair and the dude has a flat nose. Not hunky like Alcide at all. Sookie uses her amazing deducting skills to figure out that the woman is Debbie. She's wearing a half-normal outfit - a gold silk blouse (to which I say again - who the fuck wears silk shirts/blouses after 1995?) and brown pants - oh and boots. Sookie labels Debbie as a phony bitch. Yup, this from the woman who grins maniacally at people, thinks shit about them and is only bitchy when they don't bend to her every whim. Sookie, you're so freaking hypocritical. Look that word up in your dictionary, since you probably don't know what it means. 

Sookie orders a champagne cocktail (which I've heard only strippers and hookers drank) and Alcide orders a beer. Sookie gets all up on Alcide because Debbie's watching them, and he's confused. Since Bill has unleashed her inner whore, she's very confident in her sluttiness. Debbie eventually comes up and Sookie and Debbie engage in a bitch-off. Debbie makes fun of Sookie's hair (her own hair being more modern) which leads Sookie to shake her hair all over her bare naked shoulders and ask Alcide if he likes it. Alcide pops a bone to show her how much he likes it. Debbie alludes to Sookie being a hooker, to which Sookie takes offence. Um, I'm sorry, but just a few pages ago, some strange woman thought she was a hooker and she took it as a compliment. Sookie, for some reason, is considering herself to be lady-like and says nothing. For some reason, Debbie apologises. I wouldn't have. I would have stood by that comment, because from what I read of her outfit and shit, she seems very prostitute-y. Sookie makes a bitchy comment about Debbie's leather pants being made out of a relative and Debbie leaves. I think that Sookie's comment is much more assholeish than Debbie's. 

As the night goes on, Alcide describes the shapeshifting world to Sookie, basically being that all other shifters are poseurs and that werewolves are the only badass shifters around. They don't seem to be very intelligent, since most are brick masons and the like. (Honestly, I have respect for all trades, but I'm just being a grouchy bitch.) Sookie says those occupations are useful. Really? Really? Plumbers are useful? Mechanics are useful? Thanks for the update, moron. 

Alcide asks Sookie to dance, which delights her because surprise, surprise - Sookie is a kick-ass dancer. They slow-dance across the dancefloor (slow dancing does not constitute real dancing - it's just an excuse to rub up on someone of the opposite...or same, I don't judge...gender when you're hammered). Somehow, Sookie overhears two people talking at the bar, and instantly, Sookie knows they're talking about Bill. One of the people is human, so she decides to listen in on his thoughts. Alcide leaves her so she can eavesdrop in private. She's horrified to think that they may be torturing Bill, since it's such an un-American thing to do. 

While she's standing there by herself, some were dude grabs her for her lady-of-the-night company, and she's insulted. Seriously, honey, you look like a hooker. How many people have to tell you that before it sinks in? The guy gets a bit handsy with her and she bemoans the fact that she's wearing fake nails, since she can't make a proper fist with which to hit him.  We're put through 2ish pages of this crappy torture when finally to my utter lack of surprise, Alcide and the goblin come to her rescue. Sookie considers her need for Neosporin (???) all the while a giant bar brawl is about to come to pass. The vampire in charge of the bar puts a stop to all that nonsense and apologises to Sookie - a non-regular and stranger. I would have kicked her out, since she's the one who started the rukus by dressing like a whore and trying to stomp on people's feet. The bad and mean weres are kicked out of the bar and ordered to apologise to Sookie. Sookie's bleeding from where the were grabbed her shoulder, and the vamp points this out to her. She offers him a lick from her shoulder. Sigh. The vamp? Russell Edgington. Wow, what a coinkidink!! Just the vamp they were looking for!! They blather on about non-important crap for a while, and I think I fell asleep for a little while there. Sookie and Alcide are invited to come back the next night. 

Alcide comes over to Sookie with her shawl and there's a big burn in it. Sookie starts crying, because she's a little bitch. Alcide, being a gentleman, puts his jacket on her which embarrasses her. Why the fuck would it be embarrassing to accept a jacket when yours has just been ruined? I want to slap her so hard. Alcide apologises for leaving her alone in the bar. Sookie says she's used to it, since she's a waitress in a bar, and Alcide tells her she shouldn't be working in a bar. Again...???? Sookie jokes around (yeah jokes) and says that Alcide should marry her. They talk about how Russell has Bill, and Alcide wonders why they want Bill so bad. Sookie says she knows why, but it's a secret. 

Overview:  Sookie goes to a salon, then dresses like a whore. She almost gets accosted by men, because she looks like a whore. Sookie and Alcide run into Russell Edgington. Russell has Bill. And I despair the enormity of the pages in the book wasted on unnecessary bullshit.