Friday, January 27, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 7 - Dirty Uncles, Sex (not with dirty uncles), Murder, Fires...then more Sex

This chapter starts out in bed, because now Sookie is a nympho. Bill has flowered sheets and flowered wallpaper. You know, because vampires are so...flowery. Bill and Sookie had been on a date earlier in the evening (before knocking boots), and went to a movie. Bill likes sci-fi. Because aliens are apparently very similar to vampires. I don't know how - but Bill gets really pissed because aliens are portrayed as killing machines. Maybe because both vampires and aliens are stereotyped as killing machines? Let's say yes.

So Bill's staring at Sookie, because she's so beautiful. They are talking about lots of stuff, like the movie, and then about childhoods. Bill asks if Sookie every played doctor with Jason...ew. Friggin' inbreds. Sookie says no and Bill says she must have played "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" with someone, and Sookie tells him to fuck off. Bill pushes it, and it turns out that Sookie was molested by an uncle. She tells him that it started when she was young, and it never went as far as intercourse, but he did other sorts of things, and the worst thing was that she would read his mind and know what he wanted and what he was thinking. I have absolutely nothing bitchy to say about this, because child molestation is nothing to belittle. Sorry.

Anyhow, turns out that Sookie told her mom, and her mom called her a dirty little slut, and thought she was making it up. She also wondered how her mom and dad could possibly be together and be happy. Sounds like Mrs. Stackhouse was a cunt, and Mr. Stackhouse was an angel. Sookie also told her father what happened but much later, right before he died. The Dirty Uncle (DU) lives in Shreveport, and used to visit on a regular basis, until Sookie told Gran and Gran told him to never darken their door again. Turns out DU had tried some funny stuff on Sookie's aunt, but Gran repressed those memories (yeah, because that's healthy, must run in the family). Sookie cries (her first normal reaction thus far?) and Bill asks her to stay the night. Sookie wants to go to sleep, but Bill wants some action before he lets her sleep. Child molestation, I guess, gets their engines revving. Disturbing. I don't think I'd be in the mood to have sex after I told someone my deepest darkest secret of an uncle touching me. I think I'd have the opposite reaction. Thankfully, I don't have to ever deal with that situation.

The next morning, Sookie starts having doubts about their relationship. Bill will never be able to brunch with her (I can't see Bon Temps having a thriving brunch crowd), she'll never be able to hang out with him in the sun, she'll never get pregnant, never ask him to pick up shit from the grocery store, never go to church. We get this tidbit - Sookie brushes her teeth. Good for her. I think anyone with half-decent hygiene does that, but she does it better than you or I could ever dream of doing. Then she reminisces about how great in bed Bill is, so that makes up for everything. That plus now that she's Bill's girl, no one will fuck with her.

Sookie finally leaves Bill's house and Jason is there waiting for her. He asks her if Bill was the one to bust her cherry and she says yes. I don't think my sister ever asked me who my first was, and I never asked her. Sookie affirms that Bill treats her well, then Jason tells her that Uncle Bartlett (DU) was killed the night before. Hmmmmm...right after Sookie told Bill that she got diddled by her. Quite the coincidence, no?

Sookie replies by saying she hopes DU burns in hell, and Jason says that's not nice. Sookie says that he never tried to dirty up with Jason, and he says no, it was only ever Sookie, and she says "Bullshit" (really, she swears!) and that he tried to get it on with their aunt. Sookie goes on to say that Gran knew about everything, but wasn't sure if it was just girls that DU was into. Jason tells Sookie that he's kept in touch with DU (I sure as fuck wouldn't be all friendly with the pervert who molested my sister), and he says that DU was all lamed up and harmless. Sookie makes a snide remark about a walker slowing him down from chasing children, and Jason tells Sookie to get over it. Um, what? What the fuck? Really? "Oh, jeez, you got molested as a child and fucked you royally up about relationships, but you're an adult now and he's not into you. Get over it." What a fucktard.  So a burglar broke in and threw DU down the stairs.

It takes all day for Sookie to figure out that Bill may have had something to do with DU's death. It took me reading that he died to figure that shit out. Sookie is one slow motherfucker. She doesn't know if Bill did it himself or if Bill paid someone to do it, but she freaks out. He killed the Rattys, why wouldn't he kill DU? They both hurt Sookie, and nobody hurts Sookie.

So, Sookie goes home and sits in the dark like a freak. Bill comes over and Sookie confronts him, saying he shouldn't have killed DU, and that he can't hurt everyone who's ever hurt Sookie. Bill tells Sookie he loves her (of course he does) and Sookie questions it. They talk about the Rattys and Sookie says to stop fucking with her life. It's a big deal that she calls him honey, I guess, because...well, I don't know why. Sookie tells Bill she loves him too, but they're not going to grow old together because he'll never get old (fucking duh, you knew that when you met him). Sookie tells Bill she needs time to process everything that's going on (fair statement), and tells Bill to go back to doing whatever he was doing before he met her. He says okay, but only if she stays home and doesn't let anyone else fuck her. She says she won't. You know, because she's pure and amazing, and lovely and special. I would have told him to mind his own god-damned business. They kiss goodbye and they both want to screw, and Bill says "I want to throw you back on the porch and fuck you till you faint." That Bill is so romantic...what a way with words he has!!

So Sookie goes on with her life, without Bill and without Gran. She's worried about the murderer, which is legit. DU left Sookie some money and she donated it to a charity that dealt with molestation. Sookie takes lots of vitamins and eats healthy because she's a blood giving whore. Oh, and she eats lots of garlic. I think it's to make sure no guy wants her because she's so stanky, but she says it's because Bill hates garlic. She observes that nobody likes Diane (camel toe), Liam and Malcolm because they go to bars and offend the rednecks in the area. After reading some minds, Sookie discovers that those three vamps are likely to get a good burning up from some of the local yokels. Sookie tries to figure out who started the idea, but she can't because she's dumb. People still think that vampires killed all those women, but the murders are just an excuse to kill the bad vamps.

One night, Bill comes into the bar with a kid from Minneapolis, Harlan. Sookie and Harlan chat about how he's on vacation, and Sookie smiles like an artard the whole time. Bill asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says she's all good. Harlan wants to visit Malcolm because he's legend...wait for it...dary. LEGENDARY!! (I love Barney Stinson, btw.) Sookie tells them that nobody likes those bastard vampires and stalks away.

Jason comes into the bar and is still upset that Sookie isn't crying in someone's beer about pervy DU. Sookie reads his mind and sees that he's looking to hook up with another whore woman that night. The guys who want to burn the vamps drink on and Sookie worries that it's gone beyond angry bullshit and into actual action. They start standing instead of sitting, which was all know was how the civil war started (I'm Canadian - I can say that because...I have no idea how the civil war actually started, but I assume it started because someone was standing). Oh, and these guys are all macho...and order margaritas. I have a great picture of my uncle drinking a strawberry dacquri and the rest of us drinking big ass beers. He's a man's man. I love that picture!! Anyhow, so it's all mob mentality up in Merlottes. Sookie calls Bill to warn him but gets his answering machine.

The next morning, Sookie gets a phone call and it's Jason telling her that the vampires' house got burned (not Bill's but the bad-ass vamps). Jason is the bearer of all kinds of good news in the mornings, isn't he? Sookie runs over to Malcolm's house and people are looking around, and Sookie's freaked out that Bill is in one of the coffins - because there's 4 coffins, not just 3. Hey, artard, remember that Harlan was visiting them? So that's why there's fucking 4 coffins. Needless to say, this doesn't occur to Sookie, even though a 3 year old could figure out why there were 4 coffins. There was a human body among the coffins and the burnt house. Sam is there, and Sookie asks why. He says he's there for her. So Sookie starts worrying about Bill and Sam says there's nothing she can do until nightfall to find out if Bill is ok. The firemen and policemen start being dicks about the vampires being crispy-fried and Sookie kicks one of them. Which is perfectly normal, I kick firemen all the time. Sam takes Sookie home and tells her to clean her dirty house. Sam starts washing curtains (I don't think I've ever washed curtains, but then again, I haven't had curtains for a long time- do you wash curtains?) and Sookie starts cleaning, and Sam gets rid of cobwebs (what a dirty fricking house - I don't have any cobwebs...I don't think). We get a vivid description of both of them cleaning the house, because shit like that is important - fuck no, it's not!! They clean until it's dark and Sam gets out. What a cunt that Sookie is - at least feed the boy, he's been your bitch all day! So Sam leaves and Sookie runs out in the rain in her dress to see Bill, her hair against her skull (sexy) and her denim sleeveless dress plastered on her body. I can't find a picture of someone wearing a denim dress in the rain, probably because it's got to be the worst feeling ever. I mean, wet jeans suck - I wore jeans all over Dublin and dude, it rains there ALL THE TIME!! By the time we got back to my friend's place, it felt so gross. Anyhow, enough about me. So Sookie goes over to Bill's and starts yelling "Bill!!! Bill!!! Bill, I love you so, I always will..." Okay, she doesn't sing, but I can see her skreeching for him in my mind. Bill asks her what the fuck is up, and Sookie says "Oh, you're all nakkie..." Yeah, Bill's going to wear clothes when he buries himself in the ground. Duh. Whatever. So Sookie tells Bill about the burned house and he gets all sorts of pissed off and vengeance-y. Then he and Sookie fuck. Sookie comes and Bill comes right after. This happens all suddenly to Sookie. Bill starts licking where he bit Sookie. These are important details. I have to wonder if Harris has ever been laid...

Bill has to carry Sookie inside because he's such a damned good lover that Sookie can't walk. Sookie tells Bill that she cleaned her house all day. Bill asks Sookie if she can read Sam's mind, and she says no. This is while Bill is washing Sookie up. Because she's a dirty, dirty girl. Sookie falls asleep after Bill dries her off. Sookie wakes up and is freaked out because Bill is walking around. In his own house. Like he owns the god-damned thing. Turns out, Bill's a little worried that the arsonists might target him, which makes sense. Sookie tells him to sleep at her house, and he says no. He also tells Sookie to run along to Sam if he dies.  Then he tells Sookie he wants to fuck again. She moans "Honey,  honey, ooooohhhh, honey." I've never called anyone honey. Is this a Louisiana thing? I dunno. Maybe. Then when Bill comes, he bites her again, and she asks if he has to do that to come. He says it just makes it more intense. Oh, and because Sookie tastes so fine, like sweet cherry wine. Okay, he doesn't say the cherry wine thing, but whatevs. Then Sookie rolls Bill over and gets on top of him, saying she doesn't know what she's doing. Ya, I'm sure you've never seen anyone do it with a woman on top. You just know she watches S&M porn. She just follows her instincts. Her slutty, slutty instincts. Then the chapter's done.

Overview:  Bill asks Sookie if Jason ever showed her his dirty bits, and vice versa (no). Sookie was molested as a child. Sookie and Bill fuck after this revelation. Bill kills the pervert uncle who did it. Sookie breaks up with Bill. Malcolm et al's house gets burnt down. Sookie thinks that Bill died in the fire. Sookie and Bill fuck. Again. Missionary and then Sookie on top.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just a Quick Note!!

While I'm super harsh on the Sookie character in the novels (because she's a douche), I would like to state that I do like the Sookie in the HBO series - while sometimes a bit naive, she's sweet and a whole lot smarter than the book character. As well, I adore Anna Paquin and think she's super cute and amicable.

That is all, and there will be another chapter coming up soon! Perhaps even this evening, if I get the desire to plod through another chapter.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 6 - Sookie Swipes the V-Card

So, after the funeral, Sookie takes a few days off, as any normal person would, but she starts tripping out because three days off is far too long. Um, dumbass, your gramma just died. Obviously you don't know how to grieve. Anyhow, Sookie decides to clean out her Gran's room (personally, I would have waited for a while, but then I'm not a heartless bitch like Sookie), and asks her co-worker/friend Arlene to help her. Oh, and we're told that Gran smelled like baby powder and Campho-Phenique. I had to Google that last thing. I guess Gran was a scratcher. Sookie and Arlene pack up Gran's clothes to take to a disaster relief fund, which is mighty charitable of Sookie - this gains my approval. Sookie doesn't want Gran's clothes; all she wants is her jewelry, since it's real. I hate wearing fake necklaces, myself.  The ladies pack the day away, and it's not really all that interesting. We find out Gran never had a credit card and she drove a car. That about sums it up.

It dawns on Sookie that she can take over Gran's room and seems to get a little excited at the thought. She tells Arlene this and Arlene makes a comment that it seems a little soon to do that (I agree, Redhead Arlene), and Sookie makes the excuse that it would be easier to be in Gran's room than her own. Easier? Okay. Anyhow, Arlene leaves after Sookie kisses her goodbye (on the cheek). Sookie eats some funeral food and showers, shaves, and most likely shits. We're told all about her grooming routine (which is pretty normal - plucking, brushing hair), and puts on her sexy Tweety Bird nightie. As she's sitting down to watch some TV, Bill shows up. He's surprised because she's all ready for bed. I dunno, maybe it's just early evening. But if it's nighttime, how come he's surprised?

Bill sits beside her on the couch and starts playing with her hair, and Sookie gets turned on by this. Bill says he used to play with his sister's hair, which seems a bit creepy. He tells Sookie about his previous life, his family, etc. Sookie gets all sad because all of his family died - parents, siblings, wife, kids, the whole ballgame. He tells her to get over it. Then he starts drying Sookie's hair. I have to admit, I'd be a bit turned on by it...any time other than right after my Grandmother, who was basically my mother, died.

Bill starts to get freaky with Sookie, and she sits on his lap facing Bill. They start kissing, and Tweety starts to ride up on Sookie. Sookie points him in the direction of Gran's room and he carries her in there, and strips down. She whips off her nightgown and gets ready for take-off.

Sidebar: Sookie, didn't your grandmother just pass away, and aren't you in what was very recently in her room? Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it seems tres creepy to me. End sidebar.

Sookie whispers to Bill she doesn't want to disappoint him in the sack (being a virgin and all) and Bill says that's not possible. Of course it isn't. Sookie is practically perfect in every way!! Except, you know, in every way. Bill tells her he knows a lot (I bet you do, you vampire slut!). Bill starts to give her the dead bone, and is surprised to find that Sookie is a virgin. Probably because she's such a douche and slutty looking. She begs him not to stop, and he basically says "As if I would even think of stopping, dumbass." He starts pumping away, and Sookie gets down with her bad self. Bill bites her and she's all "Give it to me, baby!!" Okay, just something here - I remember my first time, and it was like being reamed with a friggin watermelon, and my boyfriend at the time wasn't even all I came nowhere close to enjoying it, but I guess when you're Sookie, the first time is going to be amazing and you're going to have an orgasm. I have to wonder whether Harris is a virgin or just forgets her first time, because it was so long ago.

After the explosions of the loins, Sookie apologises for not being better or knowing what to do. Bill says she'll improve (hahahahahahaha, Sookie, you sucked!!). Sookie gets all worried that she'll hurt, and reminds Bill that his blood has healing properties. So he bites his finger and starts fingering her. Then they screw again, because Bill is, of course, so turned on by Sookie, he's ready to do it again immediately. Sexy stuff.

The next day, Sookie goes back to work and is all "I'm a sexy bitch, and I'm the best and most awesome." No, artard, you're not. Jason comes into Merlottes and tells Sookie that he was questioned by the police again. Sookie tells him to get a lawyer. Sookie likes this dude, Sid Matt Lancaster (3 names is so 1993), because he treats her with respect. Not because he's a nice guy or he's a good person, but because he respects her. Punch to the boob.

Sookie is all pissy because Jason is too self-absorbed to notice what she's wearing. Asshole, he was just questioned AGAIN by the police, and is a bit worried about being accused of murder. Forgive him if he doesn't notice that you're wearing a different shirt. Arlene notices and knows that Sookie got fucked, and fucked good. Arlene starts questioning who stuck his dirty stick in Sookie, and Sam interrupts and says it was Bill. Arlene asks why she can't get it from a normal human guy, and Sookie says it's because she can't get a normal human guy. Another waitress says that Bill has a virus (um, he's a vampire, dur). So all the staff at Merlottes know that Sookie had sex with a vampire. They start joking about staking Bill and Sam pulls down the collar of Sookie's shirt (to show Bill's bite marks). Sookie gets all up in Sam's face, even though Sam is talking nicely to her and saying that he's just looking out for her. Sookie storms off and goes back to work. I'm starting to think that Sookie is too stupid to deal with issues and just works so she doesn't have to think about her multiple problems.

Later, Bill comes into the bar and basically pees on Sookie to let everyone know she's his. He tells her to go over to his house after her shift is over. Two vampires come in, I think they're the ones who were at Bill's house. Of course, Harris being Harris, we're subject again to a description of clothing. The guy, Malcolm, is wearing:

a chainmail shirt

and white leather pants.

The girl, Diane, is wearing:
a lime green bodysuit
(please note the sweet-ass camel toe the model is sporting)

and Sookie tries to count her pubic hair through it. I swear, Harris has no freaking idea what people wear, or else she just tries to make everyone's clothes as ugly as possible.

Oh, Diane is also black. This must be important (but I don't think it is).

Malcolm kisses Bill hello, as does Diane. Bill scoots back to Sookie, to show everyone he's not gay or into black women. At least, this is what I assume the reasons are. Diane says it's just great Sookie is still alive (was Bill supposed to kill her?) and Bill says that Sookie might be, but Gran has bit the big one. Diane asks when it will be Sookie's turn to die. I like Diane. Malcolm says to Bill how strange it is that Bon Temps is "losing its unskilled service personnel". I like Malcolm too. Malcolm goes on to say how proud he is to be a vampire and not some pussy-whipped nerd (like Bill, perhaps?), and Cajun Rene tells Malcolm to leave. So they do. I don't know why. They could have kicked everyone's ass in there. But whatevs. They go away.

Sookie goes over to Bill's house, and she notes to herself what a great job she did hiring contractors to fix up Bill's old piece of crap house. They've made a huge awesome bathroom, and Bill makes a comment on how he likes to shower. Ah, what Freud would have to say about that. He has a portable spa...which is a hot tub. Sookie says "It has seats". Fucking duh. Has she never seen a hot tub before? Bill suggests a bath. Sookie says "maybe" but we all know she means "I'm a slut, please take me". Bill asks what she misses most about him when he's not there, and she says his silence. Nice. "I like you because you shut up and I don't have to hear your assinine thoughts." That would make any guy's day. You say penis, Sookie, PENIS!!

Sookie decides to act shy, and Bill says to knock it off, and undress him. She turns into an idiot and forgets how to undo buttons. Maybe this is why Sam or whoever opened the door for you - because you're an artard. Sookie starts twisting his nipples and Bill gets all kinds of turned on. They get into the bath, and Sookie starts soaping Bill up.

Overview:  Sookie is a cold hearted bitch and takes over Gran's room before her body's even cold. Sookie swipes her v-card and gets pounded by Bill. Twice.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 5 - No Wedding But A Funeral

The chapter begins with Sookie thinking about what happened at Fangtasia, and how she's now a vampire groupie of sorts.

The police force in Bon Temps has been out in force, questioning the vast amounts of men that Dawn slept with, and Detective Andy Bellefleur (you remember, Mr. Beautiful Flower?) is hanging out at Merlottes, and tries to sit in Sookie's section. This time, I don't think it's because he wants to bang her. It's because he suspects her of having mind-reading abilities (someone in Bon Temps who isn't a complete mental reject?) and is thinking pervy things, just to throw Sookie off her game. After trying to ignore Andy, she finally serves him and he's thinking of her and Jason getting it on (I'm kind of loving Andy right now) in order to provoke her. She dumps a drink on him, and Sam gets all concerned and swears. Oh my! What he says is "Son of a bitch," which Sookie finds shocking. Dude, I say that all the time. So, anyhow, Sookie starts being a crying baby, which results in Andy coming out to apologise. I wouldn't have apologised. I would have laughed. But then again, I'm a son of a bitch. Or daughter. Whatevs, it boils down to me being a bitch!! She tells Andy to call her Miss Stackhouse (to which I say bite me, you douche-bag) and tells him to catch the murderer instead of make her cry. Sam comes along swinging his arms (I picture him swinging them windmill style myself) and tells Andy he's not allowed to sit in Sookie's section anymore. Sam comforts Sookie and tells her to leave, but Sookie, because she's a dedicated and talented waitress, goes back to work.

When they go into the bar, Sam asks if it's true that Bill is going to speak at Gran's dead ladies club (no, that's not the name of it, but I could give a crap). Sookie says yes, and says no when Sam asks if she's planning on attending the old lady club. Then she gets all pissy when he doesn't come out and say what's on his mind, and wishes that men could just ball up and ask things they want answers to. Yeah, welcome to the minds of men, loser. Sam asks Sookie to go to the dead ladies club with him and she says yes.

Sookie heads home after this exchange, and Gran has supper all ready for Sookie (I guess she can't cook for herself), and kind of mumbles about whether or not Bill would have come if the meeting had been held in a church. Sookie, now an expert in all matters vampire, says yes because vampires don't really give a crap about religious stuff. Sookie tells Gran that she'll be going to the meeting with Sam, and Gran starts dreaming about grandkids because finally, Sookie has a date.

Sidebar: If Sookie is so hot, then how come she's never had a boyfriend? I mean, yeah, it would suck to be able to read the mind of the guy you're dating and find out he's thinking about your mom instead of you during sex (I just threw up in my mouth a bit - that would friggin' suck!), but you'd think that some people would meet her high standards, or at least be trying to get dates with her. But until Bill comes to town, it sounds like Sookie has had no action whatsoever. Okay, end of sidebar.

Sookie goes up and gets ready and guess what??!! We get a description of what she wears, right down to her earrings. It doesn't sound all that bad this time. She does, however, consider a denim jumper. When I Googled it, this is what I found:

Sexy, right? But she discards that idea because it's not quite nice enough. Urg. Fugly dress. So she wears khakis, a silk blouse (do they even make those anymore?), sandals, a belt and big gold earrings. Hey, it could be worse. It could be a denim jumper.

So, Sam comes to pick her up (right on time, I might add), and they leave for the meeting. They get there and some old perv comes up and comments on how hot Sookie is looking, and asks if Bill is, in fact, a friend of Sookie's. Sookie confirms this, and Mr. Norris (the old perv) asks if it's safe to be around a vampire. A valid question, in my opinion. Sookie says Bill is very nice, and no biting will be done. Forty people show up for the meeting, and this is considered to be a big turnout for a gathering in Bon Temps. Right on.

Bill comes in, and apparently florescent lighting does him no favours.  His skin is even more pale, his eyes are even more sunken and dark, but Sookie is still fascinated with his long fingers. Ooooohhhh!!

Bill starts telling the crowd about the civil war and his experiences, and people start to ask him questions, mainly about whether or not Bill knew their families. Bill tells a story about a soldier he knew, one of the relatives of the question-askers, and says how brave this soldier was. The crowd was in awe of this. I had to admit, it would be pretty cool to hear about how one of your ancestors could be considered a hero and how he survived the war.

When the meeting was over, Sam takes Sookie to a diner (what she calls a real dive) and has coffee. They talk about Bill's speech and Sam asks if Sookie likes Bill. She says yes, and Sam tells her she has no future with Bill. Sookie gets all pissy and asks what business it is of Sam's to tell her who she does and doesn't have a future with. Sam mans up and tells her that he has feelings for her - more than friendly feelings. This takes Sookie by surprise (because she's a tool), and she starts yelling at Sam because he waited until someone else was interested in her before telling her that. Nice. Someone finally gets the guts to tell you  he has feelings for you, and you get all cunty on him. Oh, then on the ride back, Sookie gets mad at Sam because it's an awkward ride home. I'd punch her in the throat, but that's just me.

When Sookie goes to get out of the truck, she falls out (because she's graceful) and Sam catches her and kisses her. But she thinks "This is my boss!!" and cuts the kiss off. She tells him she had a good time (it doesn't sound like she did) and goes into the house after Sam asking if she'd want to go on a date again (she said "we'll see", which means no).

She goes into the house and feels like there's something wrong. Everything looked right, but something is off. She can smell blood. She checks the rooms, and finally goes into the kitchen, and starts screaming. Bill grabs her and takes her into the living room. In a very round about way, we find out that Gran gave Bill a ride home, and he stayed to wait around for Sookie.  During that time, Gran has been killed. Which sucks.

Jason comes over as does Sam. We get more details on Gran's death. It was violent. It's kind of hard to be a bitch about this, because it is pretty sad. Sookie and Jason hug each other, and realize they're the only Stackhouses left in Bon Temps. Sookie says it was her fault Gran is dead, because obviously the murderer was there to kill Sookie. Jason wants to know how Sookie knows Bill didn't kill Gran, and Sookie says she just figures Bill isn't the killer of all these women.

I don't know how Jason knows this, but he tells her that Gran left her the house and the land. Jason's kind of pissed about this, but I don't see why - he has their parents' house and land without having to pay Sookie anything for it. Jason storms out, and Bill comforts Sookie by saying Jason can't handle the fact that Gran is dead and lashed out in anger. Which is probably the most intellectual thing said in this book so far.

Andy comes out of the house, and immediately zeros in on Bill. Sookie says "NO" and Bill gets all mushy and figures Sookie was protecting him all this time, and that Bill will be blamed for all the murders. I don't see how Sookie was protecting him. She wasn't an alibi. She wasn't a witness. She didn't plead for him. But whatever. She has been protecting him in a way that is never explained very well, or perhaps at all.

Bill and Sookie walk towards people, and Jason up and slaps her. Okay, now I heart Jason. He smacks her so hard, she falls down. Yeahhhhh, booooiiiiiieeee!!! Bill's fangs come out (because he's mad, not horned up) and Andy tells Bill to back off. Sam's all pissed off at Jason, but Jason's a huge ball of mess.

The next scene is at the funeral. There's some crap about the house and how Jason was right, then Sookie, instead of mourning her grandmother, starts thinking about how she'll have to bear all the costs of running the house. Maxine Fortenberry asks if Sookie is going to sell the house and Sookie says no, that there are more good memories in the house than bad. Maxine then asks if Bill will be at the funeral, and Sookie says no, because it's in the daytime (dur). Maxine tells Sookie how great it was that Bill spoke at the dead ladies club and because of that, more people got to know him and bla bla bla.

So, yeah, the whole town turns out for the funeral, and everyone is super sad. Sookie, the spiritual woman she is, feels something fly up into the sky and from that knows that Gran is where she belongs. Bye-bye, Gran.

At the wake, some woman comes up and asks where Gran's brother is (this is kind of important later - that you know there's a great-uncle and that he wasn't welcome at the funeral). This woman brought a taco salad (what a bitch, everyone knows you bring casseroles to wakes!). The chapter ends with Jason saying he'll let the great-uncle know that Gran is dead.

Sorry that this wasn't as bitchy as usual - it's hard to be a bitch about someone dying. Don't worry - my usual cuntiness will return upon the next chapter.

Overview:  Sookie goes on a date with Sam. Bill gives a speech for old people. Gran dies. Jason knocks Sookie out (and I gain respect for Jason).

Monday, January 02, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 4 - Fangtasia, Here We Come!!

It turns out that a lot of people in Bon Temps think Bill had a hand in the murders. Gee, I wonder why - new vampire in town and women start dying. On the other hand, the other people in town kind of think they deserved it for being slutty. Jason is also thrown in as a suspect in the murders, because he fucks anyone and these women fall into anyone category. Sookie shows her douchey side by being happy that Jason is under suspicion because it's the first time he's ever had to worry about something. Great sister, huh? Don't think about the fact that he has a crappy job cutting trees for the city. Be happy that he MIGHT learn about responsibility by being a prime suspect for the murders of two women. Cunt.

Sookie gets ready for her date with Bill, which is to be at the vampire bar in Shreveport. She wonders if she should wear spandex (because you know, it's all the rage in Hickville, Nowhere), but decides on a dress. I don't know why we're always subjected to descriptions of the craptastic clothes that Sookie wears, but it basically boils down to the dress she's wearing make her tits stick out and look great and big. She looks like such a whore that Gran subtly suggests that she put a sweater on to cover her dirty pillows, but she refuses. Because she's trying to get Bill's motor runnin'.

Sookie gets a phone call from Sam to come in and pick up her paycheque. I'm not sure why he has to call her to tell her it's ready. Any job I've ever had, it's been ready on the same day and most places use direct deposit. But I guess it's a small business. Harris does this seemingly to make sure Sookie gets to show off her slut-dress to her co-workers and to emphasise again how desirable Sookie is to Sam. Sookie, being the innocent and sweet girl she is, doesn't understand why Sam leans over and sniffs her neck and pops a boner before she leaves. She seems quite puzzled by it. Artard.

When Sookie gets back home after picking up her cheque, Bill is sitting on the couch and seems disturbed by Sookie's (lack of) clothing. Gran gets pissed off at him for not trying to hump Sookie right in front of her, but Bill sweet talks her and everything is okay. This is kind of funny - Gran tells Bill not to drink too much. I think Gran passed her brains down to Sookie.

As they're driving, Sookie apologises for her outfit, and Bill says it's just too provocative and that he's figuring he's going to have to kill someone at the bar because she's so hot and he has to protect her. Because Sookie's a hot piece of ass. Thank God it keeps getting emphasised, because I don't think I've had to mention it enough thus far in this post.

They get to the bar, and Sookie gets ID'ed by a vamped up vamp. The door vamp says it's just because she can't tell how old humans are anymore. I think Harris is trying to tell us that Sookie is young and beautiful. Which would be out of the ordinary, wouldn't it? When asked by the door vamp why they haven't seen Bill lately, he tells the door vamp that he's mainstreaming, which means he's trying to live among humans.

We're given a quick overview of Fangtasia, the vampire bar. Lots of Dracula shit, red, dark, very spooky. The people in the bar are either fang-bangers or tourists. Fang-bangers dress like they think vamps should dress - capes, fake fangs, fake blood and bite marks on their necks. Then there are the vampires. Strangely, nothing much is said about how they dress. Just that they wear dark clothes.

Bill orders a bottle of fake blood and Sookie orders a gin and tonic (maybe this is considered sophisticated?), and the bartender's fangs come out a bit. That's how vampires show they're horny. Because everyone wants to fuck Sookie. Sookie asks the bartender some questions, and shows him a picture of Maudette and Dawn. She also shows him a picture of Jason. The bartender says he's seen Maudette and Dawn but not Jason. But he makes a comment alluding to the fact that he'd like to take on both Stackhouses. Yeah, I'm sure he's the first to ever think that. The bartender makes a comment on how Dawn wanted to die, because everyone who goes to Fangtasia wants to die, because vampires are death. I think that's Harris's attempt to be dark and poetic.

Sookie and Bill sit down and talk a bit. A fang-banger comes up and tries to tempt Bill into drinking from her instead of a bottle. Sookie gets all jealous and pissy, even though Bill turns the fang-banger down and basically tells her to fuck off. This woman is the first of a handful of people to proposition Bill.

Now, what I find funny is that Sookie seems to have complete disdain for fang-bangers, yet I'd like to really see what's so different about her. I mean, through the series she basically turns away anyone who isn't a vampire, or if she does let them get their dinkies sticky, it doesn't last long. Not the sex (sometimes we're told in detail about it), but the relationships. Whatever. Sookie is a self-deluded fang-banger. Deal with it, right? Right!

After Bill has turned away some weird crying dude from the table, he tells Sookie that a tall blond drink of vampire has been checking her out. He's wearing boots, jeans and a vest. This is apparently hot attire in Shreveport, if not anywhere else. Seriously. This is...Eric.

Yum. Disregarding the aforementioned outfit and thinking purely of Alexander Skarsgard, how delicious is he? Sigh. Sorry, had to wipe the drool off my keyboard. 

Sookie and Bill walk over to Eric and a chick vamp who's sitting with them. They've been telling people to fuck off and leave them alone all night. What are the bets they'll do the same to Sumptuous Sookie? That would be a stupid bet to make. So don't. Eric and Pam (the chick vamp) talk to Sookie for a while, and Bill says she wants to ask some questions (re: Maudette and Dawn). But Pam makes fun of her, assuming she wants to ask the usual questions like do they sleep in coffins, etc. Sookie says those aren't the questions she wants to ask, and Pam, for some reason, is amazed. I have no frickin' idea why she's amazed. Maybe vampires are just as big of morons as the rest of the people in Bon Temps. You'd think not, but they're written pretty stupid sometimes. So she shows Eric the pictures, and he says that Dawn liked pain, and he knows that because he gave it to her. Oh, and Pam says Maudette was pathetic. So, we have two whores, one into S&M and one who will take sex from anyone willing to give it. Those are the end of Sookie's questions. Of course, Eric wants to have Sookie but Bill puts the kibosh on that. 

Sookie and Bill leave Eric's table and Bill tells Sookie that since Eric is older (much older) than Bill, Eric could have had Sookie if he wanted. Sookie is aghast by that assumption, but then again, she's pretty stupid. Sookie makes an unladylike sound (I think it's either a fart or a burp) and kind of yells at Bill for the fact that she had to ask him out (very pro-feminist, loser) and that he hasn't asked her out at all. So Sookie doesn't feel like she has a right to ask him not to go with the fang-bangers for a suck of blood. Bill comes back with the fact that Eric's hotter than him and is amazing at sex (yeah, that's a great way to keep a girl focused on you). But Sookie doesn't want Eric. She wants Bill. So then they're both happy. Bill goes to get more drinks, and Eric tries to glamour Sookie from across the room. Bill gets mad, because didn't Bill just tell Eric that Sookie was his? What an asshole!! But seriously, if Eric has women coming up to him all the time, why would he waste his time on a crappy waitress who seems slightly mentally disabled? (Yes, I do know why, but I can't say anything until I come to that book.)

Once again, Sookie doesn't like the fact that she's been claimed (wow, the feminist side comes out) but Bill says it's to protect her. But somehow, Sookie thinks that she's protecting him. From what? No fucking idea. Maybe from people thinking he's a murderer, but I don't think so. So, after this exchange, Sookie decides to spy on people's brains and pronounces them boring. Because she's such a font of education, culture and excitement. All they're thinking about is sex. But not Sookie. Because she's a virgin. But oh my!! Sookie finds out that one of the tourists is actually an undercover cop, and knows that a vamp is feeding in the bar (illegal). The cop has called for backup already. Bill tells Eric there's about to be a raid on his bar, and Eric wants to know how he could possibly know that. Sookie pipes up and says it's because of her (once again...artard). Seriously, she wants to keep a low profile and this is how she does it? Okay, idiot. She admits to reading the policeman's mind, and Eric finds this delightful. So, Eric and  his posse get away, as do Sookie and Bill. 

Bill pulls his car over into a darkened lot (sexy) and starts to mac on Sookie. Sookie gets all kinds of turned on, and bites Bill. Um, say what? Whatever. He tells her not to do that, because he'll cum all over her. No, that's not what he says, but he puts her hand on his gi-normous boner to show how much he likes it. Then the cops show up. They say the shops are closed (dur) and what the hell are they doing there. They want to see Bill and Sookie's necks to make sure they're not vampires, and since neither of them have bite marks on their necks, they're sent on their way. This is a gem of a line from the book: "And by golly, he shone that old flashlight on my neck and then on Bill's." Seriously. Direct quote. By golly. 

Bill was pretty pissed off that he didn't get Sookie's hand directly on his turgid penis (haha, yeah, I've read a couple of shit-tastic faux-mances in my time), and Sookie is happy that he is mad that she didn't jack him off. Anyhow, they get to Sookie's house and Bill, the proper gentleman he is, boner and all, opens the door for Lady Sookie. Not used to having gallant guys around apparently, Sookie is all confused, because her arms work enough to open doors and she does know how to open doors, bla bla bla. Shut up, you fuck-tard. He's being nice and opening a door for you. Idiot. IDIOT!! Anyways, Sookie leaps to an assumption that Bill doesn't want to kiss her anymore and that he wants Pam instead of her, and whines that she won't ask him out on dates anymore and won't bother him anymore. He kind of calls her a moron. I'm not sure exactly how to put what happens next, but let's just leave it that Sookie's a dildo. 

The chapter ends with Bill kissing Sookie on the forehead and says good night. Sookie thanks him for taking her to Fangtasia, and tell him she won't be calling him anymore (so there, Bill) and runs in the house and slams the door in Bill's face.  

Overview:  Sookie dressses like a slut again. Bill takes Sookie to Fangtasia, a vampire bar in Shreveport. We meet Eric. Maudette is an ex-pathetic slut. Dawn is an ex-slutty slut. Jason is under suspicion for murder, and Sookie likes it. Bill gets boners. And Sookie is fucking stupid.