Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 3 - Sookie Lives to Wear Granny Panties

So, after being all scratched up by the maenad, Sookie wakes up all groggy. Pam says some snarky shit to Sookie, and Sookie realises that Pam has a sense of humour. Which is apparently rare in vampires. Or, in my opinion, Sookie's just not smart enough to understand sarcasm or dry humour. The reason Sookie doesn't think vampires have senses of humour? Because there are no vamp stand-up comedians. Braniac on the loose.

Pam explains what happened to Sookie, how everyone got a sip of Sookie juice and bla fooking bla. Turns out, Sookie has no shirt on. Ummm, yeah...your back was scratched to shit and you needed "medical" treatment. I remember when I broke my ankle, my favourite purple acid wash jeans had to be cut off. YEAH, I WORE PURPLE ACID WASH JEANS, SO WHAT??!! It was early 90's, and I rocked that shit. Anyhow, I remember being so pissed that they had to be cut off. They were awesome. Anyhow, point is, it's not out of the ordinary to have to lose clothes due to medical shit. I guess that's my point. Or maybe I wanted to point out that I was a fashion icon in the 90's.

I miss them.

Anyhow, on with the show. Sookie wants to take a shower, because she's a dirty, dirty whore. She doesn't feel well, bla bla bla. Pam stands guard at the door and loves it when Sookie undresses for the shower. Of course she does!! 

Sidebar: No restaurant or bar I ever worked at had showers. Am I the only one who was unfortunate enough to work in a restaurant/bar with no shower?

Pam hands her some underwear, and Sookie's freaked out because they're "tiny and lacy" (I knew she wore grannies), but was happy they were white. So she likes her panties like she likes her people. Douche. So, Sookie can only wear a white shirt that Pam gave her and her panties. Of course, her legs look long, lean and tan in the shirt. She can't possibly look any sexier...oh wait!! She starts to brush her hair, and everyone stops what they're doing to watch. 

After letting Bill brush her hair, Sookie asks why the maenad picked on her. Bill thinks she was just waiting for a vampire, and Sookie was just a bonus. Sookie puts forth her theory that the maenad started the fight, Bill calls bullshit and said they fought because Sookie's a bitch. No, he didn't say that, but he doesn't believe that the maenad started their retarded fight.

So, the new bartender (and one of the vampires who helped heal Sookie), Chow, comes in and he's Asian. Okay, seriously Harris. Do you have to mention ethnicity all the time? Or if you do, mention it about everyone. Whenever someone's white, I want to hear about it. I shouldn't have to assume that caucasian is the default setting for new characters. He came in just to tell everyeone the bar was closed.

So, we find out that Sookie is wearing french cut underwear. I wondered what french cut looked like, so I Googled it (of course). I thought maybe they were skimpier than bikini but not quite thong...and I found these.

Seriously, people, do you consider these "sexy" panties? These are period panties, in my opinion. Anyhow, she's also not wearing a bra, and because she has huge tits, you can tell she's not wearing a bra. Sigh. I (unfortunately) have larger girls, and yeah, you can tell when I'm not wearing a bra...but not in a good way. In the way that they hang so that I look like I'm 300 lbs. Because she's a proper Southern girl, she thanks everyone for their help. Chow is, naturally, drooling over Sookie. But who doesn't? They're all extolling the virtues of Sookie's sweet blood, which reminds me of a joke I know. Sorry, but I have to tell it. It's disgusting.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire asks the bartender for a glass of blood, and gets it. The second vampire asks for a glass of blood as well, and the bartender gets it for him. The third vampire asks for a mug of hot water, and the bartender asks "Don't you want a glass of blood?". The third vampire holds up a used tampon and says "Not when it's tea time!!".  I hope I've grossed everyone out. 

Back to the book...so Eric finally gets around to the reason that he summoned Sookie, and by extension, Bill, to Fangtasia. Eric farmed out Sookie's mind reading talent to some vamps in Dallas. She says she won't go unless Bill goes with her. Eric says no problem. They sort out logistics like pay, accommodation, etc. 

Sookie asks about maenads, and it turns out that she's super duper educated about Roman gods and their consorts. Eric is amazed and impressed by her smarts (I'm not, btw), and it turns out the only reason she knows anything about maenads, naiads or dryads is because she read about them in a mystery book. I'm thinking that's half-right - she probably read about them in some shitty Harlequin-type romance book. But Harris can't keep her Roman gods and Greek gods straight. She calls the god Bacchus then refers to Greek mythology, when Bacchus is the Roman god, and Dionysus is the Greek god. But then, am I surprised that she can't keep them straight? Not at all. Anyhow, I explained what maenads were last chapter summary, so I don't want to do it all over again. Sookie asks what the warning was, and Pam says most likely, the maenad wanted tribute, and if she doesn't get it, she's going to send some crazy out in this bitch. This bitch being Shreveport, Merlotte's or wherever. Vampires are also apparently scared shitless of maenads and will kill one of their own kind in order to give tribute, because they did it before. Oh, and maenads are hard to kill. Duly noted. 

On the ride back to Bon Temps, Sookie says that Sam should know about the maenad. Bill asks why, and I agree - why the fuck does a bar owner need to be in the know? Also, Bill brings up the fact that the message was for Eric, not for Sam. Bill makes a comment about how Sookie thinks about Sam all the time, and Sookie is delighted that he sounds jealous. Bitch slap. Bill helps her into her house (because she's an independent woman, remember), and Bill demands she take off Eric's borrowed shirt. Sookie says she's not in the mood (yeah, right), but Bill says it's just because he doesn't like her wearing other dudes' clothing. Sookie gets a little wet because Bill's a possessive son-of-a-bitch. So she takes it off, and Bill gets excited by her granny panties. So Sookie decides that she will no longer wear huge ass granny panties and will start wearing medium ass granny panties for him. 

The next day, Sookie tells Sam that she has to go to Dallas in order to help Eric out with some shit, and of course Sam isn't happy about it. We're told again how sexy and shape-shifty Sam is again. This goes on for a bit, and ends up with Sam agreeing to let Sookie have the time off. Wow, she must not be as great of a waitress as she thought she was. Sookie tells Sam about the maenad, and he kind of laughs. Sookie gets bitchy (surprise) that he laughs, and of course he has to apologise to her. Sookie tells him she got hurt shows Sam her scratch marks. Sam kisses them (say what? Sexual harassment!!), and Sam apologises to her. For what? Kissing his employee or that she got hurt? And if it's because she got hurt, why the fuck is he apologising for that? Anyhow, they gab about maenads for a bit, and Sam apologises again a bit later for kissing Sookie. Sookie brushes it off and starts talking about maenads again. Um, since when the fuck is she an expert in maenads? They didn't really talk that much about it at Fangtasia, and if she read about them in a mystery, how in depth did they go about it? So, yeah, Sam tells Sookie he'll be careful in the woods, and Sookie demands that he no longer shape-shift. Sam tells her he has to when it's a full moon. Sookie then asks if the police have said anything about Lafayette's body (it's about time you thought about that dead body you found, you selfish bitch), and Sam says no, but he hired a new cook. They make fun of his name for a while, but whatever. Sookie leaves Sam's office thinking about how Sam needs to get laid. This from the woman who, before a month or however long ago in Sookieverse, had never seen a penis. She's the expert. Of everything. So, yeah, she puts on her freaky smile (because she's a moron). I found a picture of a a nice-looking chick with a creepy smile:

So yeah, she goes back to work, because that's how Sookie deals with her issues. Big fake smile and working as a waitress. Things are same old, same old in the bar that night. Apparently, people do not go out with friends, but drink with their "cronies". Really? What a douche. Sookie likes Jason's new fling, Liz, because she doesn't try to suck up to Sookie. Whazzat? Sookie likes someone because she DOESN'T try to suck up to her? That's a complete 180 from anyone else who is in her good books, isn't it? Sookie, being the intrusive bitch she is, reads Liz's mind and finds out that Liz thinks she's knocked up. Even though Sookie knows this, she still serves Liz an alcoholic drink. Now, Jason ordered them both a Seven-and-Seven, and it would be easy enough to substitute that with ginger ale, since that looks the same, but no. Sookie serves a possibly pregnant woman alcohol. Oh, but then makes it better by replacing the alcohol with a glass of 7-UP. Why didn't she do that in the first place? Because she's a dumbass, that's why. 

Portia comes in and wants to talk to Sookie. Turns out that Andy wants Sookie to listen in on people's thoughts and find out who put Lafayette's body in his car. Sookie bitches out on Portia and reads Portia's mind. Portia's not happy that she has to ask a Stackhouse and a waitress for a favour. Or, asshole, maybe it's because you've never been nice to Andy or Portia, thought shit thoughts about them, but then are a total hypocrite when they don't think fuzzy warm thoughts about you. Coont. Sookie brings up the fact that Andy had recently arrested Jason for murder (um, it seemed to me like he had tons of evidence, circumstantial or not, against him), and Portia says to fuck it. They kind of bicker, and Sookie ends up agreeing to do it, but not for those damned Bellefleurs, but for Lafayette. Bill comes in and sticks his nose in their business, and they gang up on Portia. She does the smart thing - she leaves without lowering herself to their level. 

Bill says that everything is set for Dallas, like flight and hotel, as well as car transportation. Bill waits for Sookie to get off work, then he drives her home. Bill is very excited about their trip. Sookie asks if vamps were organised into areas and shit before they came out. Bill says yes, but in a different way. They talk about some boring shit, and my eyes are crossing. Bill picks her up and takes her to her room and gives her his lovin'. Sounds like it was fast, but she still gets to come. Sookie reminisces about her previous senior trip to Dallas and figures it won't be the same. Um, no, moron, it won't. Because you'll be with vampires, stupid. Anyhow, for some reason, she starts to feel sorry for herself and cries herself to sleep.

Overview: Sookie is all healed up, and has to wear Eric's shirt and granny panties, but thinks the granny panties are sexy. Maenads are broken down, but since I did that last chapter, I didn't make you suffer through Harris's misconceptions. Sam is grounded from the woods by Sookie. Sookie is a cunt to Portia, and Bill jackhammers Sookie.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 2 - Maenads are Mean

Merlotte's doesn't end up opening after a body has been found in their parking lot until after 4:30 pm, which pisses Sookie off, because she's a douche. She got bored cleaning and playing cards, and was ready to work, goddammit. Fooking police and them thinking that they have to investigate. So then, for no reason at all, we're introduced to Terry Bellefleur in more detail. Vietnam vet, all scarred physically and mentally, and Sookie likes him because he's pretty simple (like our Sookie) and nice to her. We know that in Sookieverse, only people who are nice to Sookie are worthy of facetime. Sookie and Terry talk about how that inconvenient body made Andy's car dirty, and that Lafayette's body had been "messed with". That, to the average person (me being average) means that he had something sticking out of his butt. But maybe that's just what it means to me. The police think Lafayette was killed somewhere else, and the body placed in Andy's car. They talk about how Bill helped Portia take Andy home, bla bla bla. Terry makes a comment on how Sookie is a "sweet little eclair", which makes me vomit a bit inside my mouth. Sookie makes Sam pay for the time that she's spent at the restaurant. What I'd like to know is - why? Maybe she cleaned up for a bit, but why couldn't she and the rest of the staff go home, and then have Sam call them when he can open the bar again? Or is that just to fricking easy? No, pay the dumb beyotch for not working, playing cards, gossiping and being pissy that a dead cook infringed on her tip-earning time. 

Because the people in Bon Temps have no class, there's an influx of customers as soon as the cops take their tape down. Harris goes on about how Andy, Portia and Terry are related, and I could really care less. Sookie gossips with her customers while taking orders (all efficiently of course, because Sookie is awesome). We are given a list of what people order for lunch (or supper...or lupper?), and it's almost as interesting as Sookie's clothes - which is to say not interesting at all. Sookie runs into Arlene, and Arlene's on the prowl for new meat. Then Sookie goes home. We're given a short description of the house. It's a fucking farm house. That's all you need to know. 

Sookie has to get dressed to go to Shreveport again with Bill. I don't remember why, and I can't be bothered to look in the last chapter to find out. I guess Eric wants her to use her telepathic abilities again or something. I guess we'll find out as the chapter goes on. While Sookie's in the shower, Bill pops in. Sounds like a bad horror movie, doesn't it? Or a bad porn...anyhow, Sookie gets pissed off that he surprised her and tells him to get the fuck out. When Sookie gets out of the shower, we're subjected to another description of how sexy and hot Bill is, and how old he is...again, bla bla bla. Turns out Eric did summon Sookie, and when she complains about having to go to Fangtasia whenever Eric wants, Bill says to shut the fuck up, since she's the one who made the deal with him. Bill tells her to wear:

jeans that lace up the sides (oh my FUCKING GOD!!)

and a blue and white checked short sleeve low cut shirt


a pony tail with a blue bow.

Honestly,where the fuck do they come up with the ideas for these horrible, horrible clothes? I'm starting to think that Harris wants Sookie to look as fugly as possible. Because this is just mean. And the reason she puts a ponytail in? To assert her independence. Because we all know, ponytails mean you're no-one's bitch. Except that it doesn't mean that at all. 

On the ride to Shreveport, Bill tells Sookie he's gonna make himself some money, so he can be a proper sugar-daddy. This is probably just to introduce the fact that vamps can be rich sons of bitches, and that they get taxed by the government. I don't know how many times I've rolled my eyes so far in this chapter, but it seems like a lot. There's a page rehashing some shit about synthetic blood, etc. etc. So, yeah, Bill bought a strip mall. We get to hear how Sookie has no business sense, but it doesn't matter, because she doesn't own her own fucking business. Bill tells her now she can get her hair done for free, but she doesn't have to do anything, because she's naturally beeeaaaauuuutiful. And that she won't have to pay if she wants to dine out or buy clothes. Instead of saying "Cool, thanks" like I probably would, she gets all pissy (again...man, this chick has perma-PMS) and yells at him, telling him she can take care of her own damned self. I seriously think that Sookie suffers from bi-polar as well as a multitude of other mental illnesses. Then, while she's freaking out, the car dies. And she gets out. Bill tells her to get back in the fucking car, and she gives him the finger. 

Can I slap her a little please?

So, Bill says he has to get a mechanic, and when Sookie stops being a whiny little cunt, she should come back and lock herself in the car and wait for him. She keeps stomping away from him, teaching him a lesson. What lesson? That she's fully capable of getting herself killed in the woods at night. While she's pouting her way back to Bon Temps, she hears something in the woods. Are you surprised? Because I am sure the fuck not. She sees it's a woman and a razorback hog. Sookie tries to read her thoughts, and knows that the woman is something supernatural. Because Sookie's slightly mentally handicapped, she decides to smile at the woman. The chick assures Sookie she's not going to eat her, and says she will tell the hog what to do (or not to do). Sookie asks her what she wants, and the woman asks if Sookie is Bill's "pet". She says yes.

Okay...I'm sorry, but didn't Sookie just trip right the fuck out when Bill said she could get free shit, and storm out of the car? But she's okay with being called someone's pet. Sigh. Fuck you, Sookie. 

So, this chick tells Sookie she's a maenad. If you don't know what that is, it's one Dionysus's consorts. Dionysus is the god of wine, parties and festivals, madness, chaos, drunkenness and pleasure at being forever young. Maenads are his bitches, and get people (generally men) all crazy-like. Anyhow, the reason she wants to talk to Sookie is because she wants to get a message to Eric. Sookie asks what the message is, and before this maenad can tell her, she starts to run away. But the maenad gets a good, long scratch in Sookie's back. Sookie starts to cry like the little bitch she is, then she starts getting mad. I don't know about you, faithful readers, but I don't know if mad is the emotion I'd be feeling. Maybe scared out of my fucking wits, but anger...I dunno. 

Sookie manages to crawl back to the road and call out for Bill. He comes and gets her, and takes her to Eric. Her back is killing her, and she screams and moans and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy. You should have stayed in the fucking car, moron. Sookie figures out that the maenad must have started the fight (um, no fucktard, you did) and that she also caused the car to die. 

Bill gets Sookie into Fangtasia, and she tells him to go to hell. I'm not sure why. Just because she's cunty, I guess. Eric comes along, and Sookie tells him she's the message to Eric. Sookie describes the maenad to Eric, at which time a doctor comes in to treat Sookie. The doctor is a dwarf, which pisses Sookie off - she wanted a normal sized doctor, preferably white I think. She calls the doctor a hobbit. Great way to think of someone who is going to take care of you. So, the doctor explains that the bite is poisonous and that one of the vamps has to suck out the poison blood, then Sookie will have to get a blood transfer. Sookie doesn't want anymore dirty vamp blood, and specifies she wants human blood. Where the fuck are they going to get some human blood? Doesn't matter to Sookie - she always gets what she wants (when she just got what she deserved). The doctor starts licking her back (just one more person who wants to lick Sookie, I guess), and she's not grossed out. She probably likes it. She bitches out Eric for a while, who ends up kissing her ass. He should just fucking kill her. So, yeah, the chapter ends with everyone fretting over Sookie and her being the centre of attention. As always.

Overview: Sookie has to go to Shereveport to meet up with Eric, dresses like a fashion artard, and ends up getting attacked by a maenad. Sookie is a bitch to multiple people, as usual. I think if she hadn't been wearing lace up jeans, the maenad wouldn't have been so offended and would have just given her a verbal message.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 1 - Gay Dudes & Dead Bodies

First, I must apologise for the length of time between posts. Honestly, I needed a break from what an artard Sookie is. Is it smart to blog about something you dread? Because I think that may be a sign of insanity. I'm definitely insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain!! Now that I've dated myself, I shall continue on with the Sookie Saga.

Living Dead in Dallas: Book 2

This book starts off with Sookie judging Andy Bellefleur for being drunk. In a bar. When she was serving him. Sigh. It starts already...

She makes sure to remark that they aren't friends, but because she's so amazing and caring, she's worried about him. She spies on his thoughts and sees that Andy had to arrest some bastard who was raping children. Sookie demands his keys, and he hands them over. She calls his sister (what a fucking tattle-tale) to rat on his drunken ass. Sookie goes back over to Andy and he asks where Bill is. Enter Bill. Some moron calls him V.B. I guess "Bill" is too long to say. That and Harris probably wants to remind everyone that he's a vampire. 

Portia comes into the bar to get Andy and Sookie notices that Portia takes care of her hair, so that means she's on the prowl. Portia and Bill carry Andy out to his car (I could have sworn he wasn't passed out a couple seconds ago), and there's a surprise waiting for Andy when he picks up his car the next day. A dead body. It's gay ol' Lafayette. Say what??!! But Harris doesn't tell us who it is yet, so pretend I didn't tell you, and pretend to be surprised when she does reveal who the dead body is. Okay? Thanks! You guys are the greatest!

Turns out, Sookie wasn't even supposed to be there today!!

(I can't help but think of Clerks - love that movie!!) 

We get to hear her drone on about how hard it is to date a vampire, how many vitamins she has to take bla fucking bla. Then she talks about summer, boring shit like that. It hurts to read. That's 2 pages of bullshit. All this to say that she went to work in a good mood, but that was gone to shit when she found the dead body in Andy's car. That's when we find out...it's Lafayette! (Remember, pretend to be surprised.) She gets in her car and drives around to Sam's trailer, honking her horn. Why doesn't she walk behind the bar to his trailer? Because she's a lazy sum'bitch. Sam runs out, and Sookie says that Lafayette is dead, and starts crying. This is a quote: "That was ridiculous and silly and no help at all, but I couldn't help it." Really? You're quasi-apologising for having a half-normal reaction to finding a dead body? Fuck, I hate you. Sookie goes on to put down cooks, saying that an artard could do Lafayette's job (he's no waitress) and that he was gay, but he did his job. Wow, what an endorsement. Once again...fuck, I hate you. Sam calls the cops, and a couple of the day-shift waitresses come on. They're friends. Does this matter? No. Not so much. Sam and Sookie fill them in on the dead body, and the two extra-considerate waitresses ask who's going to cook for lunch. Really? REALLY? They must have compassion classes in Bon Temps. Sam says that they should get ready for the lunch rush, even though their cook is dead. Yup. There must be no other restaurants in Bon Temps. 

So the cops show up, as does the coroner. The cops start asking appropriate questions about Lafayette, and Sookie volunteers the information that a vampire cooked in the kitchen the night before. Alcee (one of the cops - it's pointed out he's black, because Harris likes to point out when a person is a minority) seems somewhat surprised, and Sookie gets all pissy. Hey, fucking moron? Yeah, it would be weird to have a vampire cooking. Because they don't eat people food. They just eat people. So get the fuck over it. Sookie's getting some clear vibes from Alcee that he's grossed out by this (and a little scared) and Harris uses this intro to point out how good Sookie has been at blocking people out. Because she's a learnin' kind of girl. But Alcee's a clear broadcaster so she can't help but see that he's superstitious (ummmmm, how so?) about the vampire cooking at Merlottes, that Lafayette was an embarrassment because he was such a flamer, and that Sookie dates Bill. He also wonders if Lafayette got the HIVS all over Andy's car. Because he's gay. And we all know that every gay person has the HIVS. I wanna punch some people. Bud (the sheriff) asks if L had come in the evening before, and Sookie says that she never saw him at the bar unless he was working. They all discuss L's busy and sexxxxxual social life and nothing comes up there (until, like, 2 seconds later!). Here's another gem from Sookie:

Bud: "When did you see him last?"
Sookie: "Dead, in the car."

Oh my foooooooooking god. Seriously? Anyhow, the last time she saw him ALIVE, he'd mentioned he was going to some kind of orgy, and the cops grill her on that. Then the cops ask if the house was owned by a black or white person. How the fuck does that matter? Bitch slap. So Sookie leaves after giving the cops no information. She is just so god-damned helpful to the police. Like not giving details of a house where L was last seen. Her co-workers and Sam are doing busy work in the bar and Sam asks what happened. They talk about L's sexy sex life, his gay romps and his orgy fetish, and Sam says he can't see a lot of that happening in Bon Temps. Sookie says that's just because he's never been invited. Oh, and you have, little miss sexpot? Just because you lost your virginity 15 minutes ago doesn't make you an expert on the swinging scene in Bon Temps. Well, I guess she might know because of her mind reading. But of course, she doesn't want to know about shit like that, so she doesn't. (???)

Sookie and Sam discuss the reasons why L might have come back to Merlottes (to talk to Sookie about his sexy time, to get his paycheque, to meet a sex partner, shit like that). Sookie wonders whether or not L might have been blackmailing someone from the party and they killed him to shut him up. Which is a huge jump from nowhere. Sam shuts that bullshit down, and says that everyone knew that L couldn't keep his mouth shut. Which probably helps with his blowjob skills. So, their discussion ends with Sam saying how much L wanted people to like him/accept him.

This wasn't so bad. Short chapter. Sookie is still a fucktard. All's right in the world.

Overview: Andy gets drunk. Sookie tattles to his sister, who drives him home, and leaves Andy's car in the parking lot of Merlottes. Sookie finds Lafayette dead in Andy's car. Sookie is questioned by the cops and is unhelpful, as usual.