Saturday, April 21, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 2 - Maenads are Mean

Merlotte's doesn't end up opening after a body has been found in their parking lot until after 4:30 pm, which pisses Sookie off, because she's a douche. She got bored cleaning and playing cards, and was ready to work, goddammit. Fooking police and them thinking that they have to investigate. So then, for no reason at all, we're introduced to Terry Bellefleur in more detail. Vietnam vet, all scarred physically and mentally, and Sookie likes him because he's pretty simple (like our Sookie) and nice to her. We know that in Sookieverse, only people who are nice to Sookie are worthy of facetime. Sookie and Terry talk about how that inconvenient body made Andy's car dirty, and that Lafayette's body had been "messed with". That, to the average person (me being average) means that he had something sticking out of his butt. But maybe that's just what it means to me. The police think Lafayette was killed somewhere else, and the body placed in Andy's car. They talk about how Bill helped Portia take Andy home, bla bla bla. Terry makes a comment on how Sookie is a "sweet little eclair", which makes me vomit a bit inside my mouth. Sookie makes Sam pay for the time that she's spent at the restaurant. What I'd like to know is - why? Maybe she cleaned up for a bit, but why couldn't she and the rest of the staff go home, and then have Sam call them when he can open the bar again? Or is that just to fricking easy? No, pay the dumb beyotch for not working, playing cards, gossiping and being pissy that a dead cook infringed on her tip-earning time. 

Because the people in Bon Temps have no class, there's an influx of customers as soon as the cops take their tape down. Harris goes on about how Andy, Portia and Terry are related, and I could really care less. Sookie gossips with her customers while taking orders (all efficiently of course, because Sookie is awesome). We are given a list of what people order for lunch (or supper...or lupper?), and it's almost as interesting as Sookie's clothes - which is to say not interesting at all. Sookie runs into Arlene, and Arlene's on the prowl for new meat. Then Sookie goes home. We're given a short description of the house. It's a fucking farm house. That's all you need to know. 

Sookie has to get dressed to go to Shreveport again with Bill. I don't remember why, and I can't be bothered to look in the last chapter to find out. I guess Eric wants her to use her telepathic abilities again or something. I guess we'll find out as the chapter goes on. While Sookie's in the shower, Bill pops in. Sounds like a bad horror movie, doesn't it? Or a bad porn...anyhow, Sookie gets pissed off that he surprised her and tells him to get the fuck out. When Sookie gets out of the shower, we're subjected to another description of how sexy and hot Bill is, and how old he is...again, bla bla bla. Turns out Eric did summon Sookie, and when she complains about having to go to Fangtasia whenever Eric wants, Bill says to shut the fuck up, since she's the one who made the deal with him. Bill tells her to wear:

jeans that lace up the sides (oh my FUCKING GOD!!)

and a blue and white checked short sleeve low cut shirt


a pony tail with a blue bow.

Honestly,where the fuck do they come up with the ideas for these horrible, horrible clothes? I'm starting to think that Harris wants Sookie to look as fugly as possible. Because this is just mean. And the reason she puts a ponytail in? To assert her independence. Because we all know, ponytails mean you're no-one's bitch. Except that it doesn't mean that at all. 

On the ride to Shreveport, Bill tells Sookie he's gonna make himself some money, so he can be a proper sugar-daddy. This is probably just to introduce the fact that vamps can be rich sons of bitches, and that they get taxed by the government. I don't know how many times I've rolled my eyes so far in this chapter, but it seems like a lot. There's a page rehashing some shit about synthetic blood, etc. etc. So, yeah, Bill bought a strip mall. We get to hear how Sookie has no business sense, but it doesn't matter, because she doesn't own her own fucking business. Bill tells her now she can get her hair done for free, but she doesn't have to do anything, because she's naturally beeeaaaauuuutiful. And that she won't have to pay if she wants to dine out or buy clothes. Instead of saying "Cool, thanks" like I probably would, she gets all pissy (, this chick has perma-PMS) and yells at him, telling him she can take care of her own damned self. I seriously think that Sookie suffers from bi-polar as well as a multitude of other mental illnesses. Then, while she's freaking out, the car dies. And she gets out. Bill tells her to get back in the fucking car, and she gives him the finger. 

Can I slap her a little please?

So, Bill says he has to get a mechanic, and when Sookie stops being a whiny little cunt, she should come back and lock herself in the car and wait for him. She keeps stomping away from him, teaching him a lesson. What lesson? That she's fully capable of getting herself killed in the woods at night. While she's pouting her way back to Bon Temps, she hears something in the woods. Are you surprised? Because I am sure the fuck not. She sees it's a woman and a razorback hog. Sookie tries to read her thoughts, and knows that the woman is something supernatural. Because Sookie's slightly mentally handicapped, she decides to smile at the woman. The chick assures Sookie she's not going to eat her, and says she will tell the hog what to do (or not to do). Sookie asks her what she wants, and the woman asks if Sookie is Bill's "pet". She says yes.

Okay...I'm sorry, but didn't Sookie just trip right the fuck out when Bill said she could get free shit, and storm out of the car? But she's okay with being called someone's pet. Sigh. Fuck you, Sookie. 

So, this chick tells Sookie she's a maenad. If you don't know what that is, it's one Dionysus's consorts. Dionysus is the god of wine, parties and festivals, madness, chaos, drunkenness and pleasure at being forever young. Maenads are his bitches, and get people (generally men) all crazy-like. Anyhow, the reason she wants to talk to Sookie is because she wants to get a message to Eric. Sookie asks what the message is, and before this maenad can tell her, she starts to run away. But the maenad gets a good, long scratch in Sookie's back. Sookie starts to cry like the little bitch she is, then she starts getting mad. I don't know about you, faithful readers, but I don't know if mad is the emotion I'd be feeling. Maybe scared out of my fucking wits, but anger...I dunno. 

Sookie manages to crawl back to the road and call out for Bill. He comes and gets her, and takes her to Eric. Her back is killing her, and she screams and moans and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy. You should have stayed in the fucking car, moron. Sookie figures out that the maenad must have started the fight (um, no fucktard, you did) and that she also caused the car to die. 

Bill gets Sookie into Fangtasia, and she tells him to go to hell. I'm not sure why. Just because she's cunty, I guess. Eric comes along, and Sookie tells him she's the message to Eric. Sookie describes the maenad to Eric, at which time a doctor comes in to treat Sookie. The doctor is a dwarf, which pisses Sookie off - she wanted a normal sized doctor, preferably white I think. She calls the doctor a hobbit. Great way to think of someone who is going to take care of you. So, the doctor explains that the bite is poisonous and that one of the vamps has to suck out the poison blood, then Sookie will have to get a blood transfer. Sookie doesn't want anymore dirty vamp blood, and specifies she wants human blood. Where the fuck are they going to get some human blood? Doesn't matter to Sookie - she always gets what she wants (when she just got what she deserved). The doctor starts licking her back (just one more person who wants to lick Sookie, I guess), and she's not grossed out. She probably likes it. She bitches out Eric for a while, who ends up kissing her ass. He should just fucking kill her. So, yeah, the chapter ends with everyone fretting over Sookie and her being the centre of attention. As always.

Overview: Sookie has to go to Shereveport to meet up with Eric, dresses like a fashion artard, and ends up getting attacked by a maenad. Sookie is a bitch to multiple people, as usual. I think if she hadn't been wearing lace up jeans, the maenad wouldn't have been so offended and would have just given her a verbal message.


  1. *laughs* Now I remember why I dropped the series after book 2. Sookie's just... obnoxious. +1 on the recap.

    1. Yeah, the series just seems to get worse and worse. I'm expecting the last book to be a suck-fest. Thanks for reading!

  2. This blog is a much more worthwhile read than the books. :p