Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 3 - Sookie Lives to Wear Granny Panties

So, after being all scratched up by the maenad, Sookie wakes up all groggy. Pam says some snarky shit to Sookie, and Sookie realises that Pam has a sense of humour. Which is apparently rare in vampires. Or, in my opinion, Sookie's just not smart enough to understand sarcasm or dry humour. The reason Sookie doesn't think vampires have senses of humour? Because there are no vamp stand-up comedians. Braniac on the loose.

Pam explains what happened to Sookie, how everyone got a sip of Sookie juice and bla fooking bla. Turns out, Sookie has no shirt on. Ummm, yeah...your back was scratched to shit and you needed "medical" treatment. I remember when I broke my ankle, my favourite purple acid wash jeans had to be cut off. YEAH, I WORE PURPLE ACID WASH JEANS, SO WHAT??!! It was early 90's, and I rocked that shit. Anyhow, I remember being so pissed that they had to be cut off. They were awesome. Anyhow, point is, it's not out of the ordinary to have to lose clothes due to medical shit. I guess that's my point. Or maybe I wanted to point out that I was a fashion icon in the 90's.

I miss them.

Anyhow, on with the show. Sookie wants to take a shower, because she's a dirty, dirty whore. She doesn't feel well, bla bla bla. Pam stands guard at the door and loves it when Sookie undresses for the shower. Of course she does!! 

Sidebar: No restaurant or bar I ever worked at had showers. Am I the only one who was unfortunate enough to work in a restaurant/bar with no shower?

Pam hands her some underwear, and Sookie's freaked out because they're "tiny and lacy" (I knew she wore grannies), but was happy they were white. So she likes her panties like she likes her people. Douche. So, Sookie can only wear a white shirt that Pam gave her and her panties. Of course, her legs look long, lean and tan in the shirt. She can't possibly look any sexier...oh wait!! She starts to brush her hair, and everyone stops what they're doing to watch. 

After letting Bill brush her hair, Sookie asks why the maenad picked on her. Bill thinks she was just waiting for a vampire, and Sookie was just a bonus. Sookie puts forth her theory that the maenad started the fight, Bill calls bullshit and said they fought because Sookie's a bitch. No, he didn't say that, but he doesn't believe that the maenad started their retarded fight.

So, the new bartender (and one of the vampires who helped heal Sookie), Chow, comes in and he's Asian. Okay, seriously Harris. Do you have to mention ethnicity all the time? Or if you do, mention it about everyone. Whenever someone's white, I want to hear about it. I shouldn't have to assume that caucasian is the default setting for new characters. He came in just to tell everyeone the bar was closed.

So, we find out that Sookie is wearing french cut underwear. I wondered what french cut looked like, so I Googled it (of course). I thought maybe they were skimpier than bikini but not quite thong...and I found these.

Seriously, people, do you consider these "sexy" panties? These are period panties, in my opinion. Anyhow, she's also not wearing a bra, and because she has huge tits, you can tell she's not wearing a bra. Sigh. I (unfortunately) have larger girls, and yeah, you can tell when I'm not wearing a bra...but not in a good way. In the way that they hang so that I look like I'm 300 lbs. Because she's a proper Southern girl, she thanks everyone for their help. Chow is, naturally, drooling over Sookie. But who doesn't? They're all extolling the virtues of Sookie's sweet blood, which reminds me of a joke I know. Sorry, but I have to tell it. It's disgusting.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire asks the bartender for a glass of blood, and gets it. The second vampire asks for a glass of blood as well, and the bartender gets it for him. The third vampire asks for a mug of hot water, and the bartender asks "Don't you want a glass of blood?". The third vampire holds up a used tampon and says "Not when it's tea time!!".  I hope I've grossed everyone out. 

Back to the book...so Eric finally gets around to the reason that he summoned Sookie, and by extension, Bill, to Fangtasia. Eric farmed out Sookie's mind reading talent to some vamps in Dallas. She says she won't go unless Bill goes with her. Eric says no problem. They sort out logistics like pay, accommodation, etc. 

Sookie asks about maenads, and it turns out that she's super duper educated about Roman gods and their consorts. Eric is amazed and impressed by her smarts (I'm not, btw), and it turns out the only reason she knows anything about maenads, naiads or dryads is because she read about them in a mystery book. I'm thinking that's half-right - she probably read about them in some shitty Harlequin-type romance book. But Harris can't keep her Roman gods and Greek gods straight. She calls the god Bacchus then refers to Greek mythology, when Bacchus is the Roman god, and Dionysus is the Greek god. But then, am I surprised that she can't keep them straight? Not at all. Anyhow, I explained what maenads were last chapter summary, so I don't want to do it all over again. Sookie asks what the warning was, and Pam says most likely, the maenad wanted tribute, and if she doesn't get it, she's going to send some crazy out in this bitch. This bitch being Shreveport, Merlotte's or wherever. Vampires are also apparently scared shitless of maenads and will kill one of their own kind in order to give tribute, because they did it before. Oh, and maenads are hard to kill. Duly noted. 

On the ride back to Bon Temps, Sookie says that Sam should know about the maenad. Bill asks why, and I agree - why the fuck does a bar owner need to be in the know? Also, Bill brings up the fact that the message was for Eric, not for Sam. Bill makes a comment about how Sookie thinks about Sam all the time, and Sookie is delighted that he sounds jealous. Bitch slap. Bill helps her into her house (because she's an independent woman, remember), and Bill demands she take off Eric's borrowed shirt. Sookie says she's not in the mood (yeah, right), but Bill says it's just because he doesn't like her wearing other dudes' clothing. Sookie gets a little wet because Bill's a possessive son-of-a-bitch. So she takes it off, and Bill gets excited by her granny panties. So Sookie decides that she will no longer wear huge ass granny panties and will start wearing medium ass granny panties for him. 

The next day, Sookie tells Sam that she has to go to Dallas in order to help Eric out with some shit, and of course Sam isn't happy about it. We're told again how sexy and shape-shifty Sam is again. This goes on for a bit, and ends up with Sam agreeing to let Sookie have the time off. Wow, she must not be as great of a waitress as she thought she was. Sookie tells Sam about the maenad, and he kind of laughs. Sookie gets bitchy (surprise) that he laughs, and of course he has to apologise to her. Sookie tells him she got hurt shows Sam her scratch marks. Sam kisses them (say what? Sexual harassment!!), and Sam apologises to her. For what? Kissing his employee or that she got hurt? And if it's because she got hurt, why the fuck is he apologising for that? Anyhow, they gab about maenads for a bit, and Sam apologises again a bit later for kissing Sookie. Sookie brushes it off and starts talking about maenads again. Um, since when the fuck is she an expert in maenads? They didn't really talk that much about it at Fangtasia, and if she read about them in a mystery, how in depth did they go about it? So, yeah, Sam tells Sookie he'll be careful in the woods, and Sookie demands that he no longer shape-shift. Sam tells her he has to when it's a full moon. Sookie then asks if the police have said anything about Lafayette's body (it's about time you thought about that dead body you found, you selfish bitch), and Sam says no, but he hired a new cook. They make fun of his name for a while, but whatever. Sookie leaves Sam's office thinking about how Sam needs to get laid. This from the woman who, before a month or however long ago in Sookieverse, had never seen a penis. She's the expert. Of everything. So, yeah, she puts on her freaky smile (because she's a moron). I found a picture of a a nice-looking chick with a creepy smile:

So yeah, she goes back to work, because that's how Sookie deals with her issues. Big fake smile and working as a waitress. Things are same old, same old in the bar that night. Apparently, people do not go out with friends, but drink with their "cronies". Really? What a douche. Sookie likes Jason's new fling, Liz, because she doesn't try to suck up to Sookie. Whazzat? Sookie likes someone because she DOESN'T try to suck up to her? That's a complete 180 from anyone else who is in her good books, isn't it? Sookie, being the intrusive bitch she is, reads Liz's mind and finds out that Liz thinks she's knocked up. Even though Sookie knows this, she still serves Liz an alcoholic drink. Now, Jason ordered them both a Seven-and-Seven, and it would be easy enough to substitute that with ginger ale, since that looks the same, but no. Sookie serves a possibly pregnant woman alcohol. Oh, but then makes it better by replacing the alcohol with a glass of 7-UP. Why didn't she do that in the first place? Because she's a dumbass, that's why. 

Portia comes in and wants to talk to Sookie. Turns out that Andy wants Sookie to listen in on people's thoughts and find out who put Lafayette's body in his car. Sookie bitches out on Portia and reads Portia's mind. Portia's not happy that she has to ask a Stackhouse and a waitress for a favour. Or, asshole, maybe it's because you've never been nice to Andy or Portia, thought shit thoughts about them, but then are a total hypocrite when they don't think fuzzy warm thoughts about you. Coont. Sookie brings up the fact that Andy had recently arrested Jason for murder (um, it seemed to me like he had tons of evidence, circumstantial or not, against him), and Portia says to fuck it. They kind of bicker, and Sookie ends up agreeing to do it, but not for those damned Bellefleurs, but for Lafayette. Bill comes in and sticks his nose in their business, and they gang up on Portia. She does the smart thing - she leaves without lowering herself to their level. 

Bill says that everything is set for Dallas, like flight and hotel, as well as car transportation. Bill waits for Sookie to get off work, then he drives her home. Bill is very excited about their trip. Sookie asks if vamps were organised into areas and shit before they came out. Bill says yes, but in a different way. They talk about some boring shit, and my eyes are crossing. Bill picks her up and takes her to her room and gives her his lovin'. Sounds like it was fast, but she still gets to come. Sookie reminisces about her previous senior trip to Dallas and figures it won't be the same. Um, no, moron, it won't. Because you'll be with vampires, stupid. Anyhow, for some reason, she starts to feel sorry for herself and cries herself to sleep.

Overview: Sookie is all healed up, and has to wear Eric's shirt and granny panties, but thinks the granny panties are sexy. Maenads are broken down, but since I did that last chapter, I didn't make you suffer through Harris's misconceptions. Sam is grounded from the woods by Sookie. Sookie is a cunt to Portia, and Bill jackhammers Sookie.

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