Club Dead: Chapter 11 - Rescues, Killings and Trunk Issues

Sookie sneaks out of Edgington's mansion, and steals a jacket because it's a bit cold out. What I don't get is that this bitch feels bad for stealing a jacket. She'll kill someone with no second thoughts, nevermind the fact that these people have kidnapped and are probably torturing the fuck out of her boyfriend. But taking a jacket...oh no, Sookie's moral compass finally shows.

Seems Sookie has hit a spot of luck - there are no vampires or people loitering around. Seem to good to be true? Any normal person would think so, but let's see, shall we?

She walks around a closed up pool and makes her way to the stables/garage. Sookie is very impressed by the garage, even though it doesn't have any doors. Yup, no doors makes a garage low class. Brought to you by Trailer Park herself. She does see a door as she's counting vehicles (four, in case you were wondering, which no one was) and almost comes because she's so relieved...because she has a car and thinks of her boy toy (Bill, not Eric) that's behind the one door in the garage. She starts the car and goes to clean out the truck so she can stick Bill in the trunk after rescuing him.

It seems that Sookie has brought along a memento of her stabbing - the stake. Who wants to be that will come into play if she needs it? Any bets? Is anyone that stupid? Nope, it's just that Harris is that obvious.

Sookie starts creeping around again and finally opens the door to where Bill is being kept. She's horrified. He's covered in silver chains, burned and all bloody. She approaches Bill, who's been sleeping/unconscious and he wakes up because he smells her (prolly her smelly, smelly vag). Sookie gets the key off the wall (you know, because that's where a master of torture keeps keys to their prisoner) and marvels about how strong Eric's blood has made her. She unwinds the yards of silver chain to get Bill out of them and they start to make their way out to the car Sookie has. They're stopped by an accented blond vampire who calls Sookie Bill's bitch. Oh oh mystery vamp...nobody calls Sookie a bitch and gets away with it. The mystery vamp? Bill's maker, Lorena (though I don't think you're supposed to know that yet, but I could give a crap). 

Sookie grips her stake and fumes over being called what she is. Lorena jumps on Sookie and, to my utter lack of surprise (for what seems like the millionth time in this series) stakes the hell out of her and says to Bill "Well, I killed her ass." Eloquent, Sook. Very eloquent. Also, her moral compass seems to have been lost in the last 5 minutes that she stole a jacket. She wraps what used to be Lorena in a blanket and makes plan to ditch the body, something Sookie is very proficient at. Sookie asks Bill if Lorena was the one who tortured him, and he says yes. She also wonders why a person named "Lorena" would have an accent. Um, why the fook do you have an accent, Sookie? Oh, that's right, because you're a hick from Bon Temps and are named Sookie. I'm surprised you can speak in complete sentences. 

Sookie gets Bill safely into the trunk and goes back to get rid of Lorena's body, figuring that if the body was gone, the people  at Edgington's house might figure that Lorena took Bill somewhere to keep torturing or whatever. Sookie lifts a pool cover and kicks her into the empty-ish pool. 

Sookie gets into the car and marvels over the luxury of the huge, gas guzzling Lincoln she's driving, then over Edgington's white, white mansion. She gets to the gate and chats with the werewolves standing guard. They ask her how her stake wound is, she says fine, and one of the weres (Doug, in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't) asks if she's going to come back for the crucifixion. Sookie wonders "whaafaa?" and leaves, immediately getting lost. She looks at a map that's in the car, and I know what you're thinking. How the hell is she going to figure out where to go if she doesn't even know where the fuck she is. She goes to a gas station and a lady at a gas pump help her to get back to some friggin' highway.  Then they stand there and grin at each other. Yeah, that's our Sook, grinning freak that she is. Sookie wants to tell this lady that Bill's all fucked up in her trunk, then thinks better of it.

Sookie drives away and goes over Bible scripture in her head. You know, because she's such a good Christian. Sookie gets back to Alcide's house even though she doesn't remember how to get there (she figures that there can't be too many 5 story buildings in Jackson - solid logic...) and a guard person at Alcide's house lets her in after Sookie promising not to rat on him for taking a shit during his shift. Sookie parks the car in the parkade and immediately falls asleep in the car. You know, because going into Alcide's apartment and actually sleeping in a bed would be too much effort. When she wakes up, she has to take a look at Bill before heading into the apartment, and when she opens the trunk, someone pushes her in. Oh oh...

Overview:  Sookie finds Bill and rescues him. Sookie feels guilty about taking a jacket because she's cold but has no problem killing a vampire. Sookie gets lost, finds her way to Alcide's house, and falls asleep in the car, only to get shoved in the trunk when she finally wakes up.

Another Post Is Coming - I Promise

This summer has been so bonkers, I'm working on a new post, I swear. I don't mean to be such a douche and leave it hanging, but...argh. I'm thinking in the next day or two, I'll be able to look at that book again and suffer through...for you guys!!

XOXO,

A

The Last Sookie Book

Hey all. Well, I've had the (mis)fortune of reading the last book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, and I can tell you it's a full-form shitfest. Stop reading here if you don't want to know what happens. 

Okay, really? All of Sookie's enemies die? And she ends up with Sam? Sigh. Everything comes up Sookie. I'd be surprised if Harris doesn't try to take one last kick at the can and have Sookie delivering a vat of puppies sometime in the near future. 

That's all I'm going to say for now, and will go into detail when I cover the book. I promise!!

Club Dead: Chapter 10 - Plans?? We Don't Need No Stinking Plans!!

Now, since Sookie's in bed, you know that everyone she's ever met will be in the bedroom. Sookie asks what the fuck is going to happen to her, and some strange vamp she's never met is about to help her. She's introduced to him and she says...ahem..."How de do?" I must ask...do people really say that? Like, really really? Because I think I'd have to slap a bitch if someone said that to me. Sookie makes a comment about how it's ironic that, in a room full of vamps, a human (her, specifically) was the one who was staked. I guess the vampire she was talking to (Ray Don, to be exact) is a fucking moron, because either he doesn't know what ironic means (which is what Sookie believes) or he just looks like a dumbass. Now, I'm confused, because who doesn't know what ironic means? Or the new Alanis-Morrissette-version of what ironic means. My pet peeve, sorry. Ironic is saying one thing but meaning another, and I'm not sure how that falls into play here, but then Harris may not know what ironic means either. From Mirriam-Webster dictionary: irony - the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning. 

Grrr. 

Anywhooooo, turns out that Ray Don has lots of healing powers in his spit which is why he's going to be helping Sookie out with her gaping hole...no, not that one, the one from the stake. So, Ray Don gets his juices flowing (haha) by sucking some little twink's blood and Sookie stares at Ray Don's crotch and sees him, erm, growing in anticipation. When R.D. is done with the twink, he goes to attend to Sookie. Eric tries to calm Sookie down, who is about to freak out (yeah, as if she's never been fed on before?) but it doens't work. Sookie starts screaming like a mo-fo, but Eric, being a wonderful and caring person, helps Sookie to float away. Away where? Who the fuck knows. Just away. 

When she comes to, her dress is off, but her undies are still on. She's all in a knot about Eric being in bed with her. Her wound is much better when she looks and she thanks Eric. Eric makes a suggestive comment which gets Sookie all fucking mad again, but when he kisses her, she gets all wet. Just as she's going to rip her panties off, Bubba bursts in. Sookie and Bubba make small talk (why are you here, are you okay, etc). Bubba asks what the fuck is she doing in bed with Eric when her boyfriend is Bill (and still missing, btw). Eric explains that he's just there to donate some blood (and maybe sperm?) to Sookie, and that Bubba is to look around for Bill and say nothing to anyone, except to introduce himself. 

Sookie and Eric discuss how they're going to get Bill out, and it's decided that they will cover him with a blanket as soon as Sookie gets all 'roided up on Eric's blood. It's decided that Sookie will take Bill to Alcide's underground garage, and while they're discussing, Sookie takes a look up Eric's underwear leg hole and gets all wet again. Eric tells her to calm the fuck down and just suck. Suck his blood that is, you perverts!! Harris goes on and on about the beautiful gift that Eric is giving Sookie and once again, I could give a fuck about a page and a half of filler. Oh, one interesting thing does happen. Eric spoofs all over Sookie's back while she's sucking him off. 

The twink vamp comes back with some clothes for Sookie, and I guess this dude has just as bad of taste in clothes as Sookie does - he gives her a light blue sweats and a ??silk bathrobe?? for some reason. Sookie pretends to be disgusted by the huge amount of jizz on her back. We all know she loves it. 

We get a breakdown of the bathroom Sookie goes into to change. Seriously. Who really gives a flying fuck? She showers, wipes the cum off her back and goes back to the bedroom where she left Eric. Bubba has returned with news that he's found Bill. Bill is being kept in a garage by the pool (a description of the pool is given, for no reason at all that I can discern).  Bill's got 3 vamps standing guard over him at night, and has werewolves looking after him during the day. Luckily there's a full moon and Sookie figures the wolves will be all tired out during the day, what from wolfing out the night before. 

The plan: Sookie pretends to be weak (ha, pretends...), Eric pretends not to know Bill or Sookie, and they're going to somehow smuggle Bill out in the trunk of a car. So far, that's about it. They say it's a shitty plan. I agree. The twink comes in and after some asinine bullshit, he tells Sookie that she should go back to Alcide the day after the full moon - after Alcide is done whooping it up with the local wolves. 

Eric manages to get Sookie a car with a big trunk and tells her as she's drifting off to sleep where it's parked. Sookie notices that they're both glowing, which doesn't get mentioned really at all. Thanks, Harris. We get a full scale rundown of a fucking bathroom, but nothing about people glowing? Moron. Anyhow, as Eric departs he mutters to Sookie that he doesn't like having feelings. Yeah, because Sookie's the only one who made him feel during his many, many years on Earth. Okay.

Overview: Sookie gets healed by a twinkie vamp, then drinks a lot of Eric's blood. He does not jizz in his pants, but all over the Sookmeister's back. Eric and Sookie make a half-assed plan to save Bill, who is in a garage.

Club Dead: Chapter 9 - Stake to the Heart, and You're to Blame

Sookie is getting ready to whore up again go to Club Dead. Instead of wishing she weren't involved in all this bullshit (dating vampires, going to werewolf clubs, finding dead bodies in closets), she instead wishes she were attending a regular, run-of-the-mill vampire club. We get a review of how awesome Fangtasia is. Blah. She gets her sexy little stockings on and thinks of her friend, Arlene. I think this is a hint towards her lesbianism. This rides along with the fact that she used to play softball. But that's just my opinion. 

For the club, she wears: 

A barely there champagne coloured dress (sounds actually half decent);

And jet earrings (I know these probably aren't what Harris meant, but Go Jets Go!!).

And black heels, which eases my mind, because yeah, you don't wear black fucking heels with a champagne coloured dress, dumbass. I thought for a second, Harris/Sookie had gotten some fashion sense. But no. Needless worry!!

Sookie laments the loss of her jacket and is worried she'll have to wear her old, ratty jacket (which I imagine has to be acid wash or something) but low and behold, Alcide bought her a black velvet wrap, which she naturally cries over while rubbing it on her face. 

As Alcide and Sookie enter the club, Alcide mentions that there's a full moon that evening, so emotions (and were-hormones) are running high. The doorman tells Sookie that she's not allowed to start any shit that night, but Alcide sticks up for her. Just because you dress like a cheap whore doesn't mean you're cheap, right?

Alcide and Sookie are led to Russell Edgington's table. Sookie freaks the fuck out and squeals like a pig when she sees her friend, Tara, at Russell's table. We get a description of Tara's outfit, but I'm bored. It's gold and slutty. Then it hits her - seeing Tara there could mean something bad. Not because Tara's hanging out with a really, REALLY bad crowd, but because she doesn't want Tara to ask why Bill's not with her. So Sookie takes Tara to the bathroom to tell her to keep her fucking mouth shut. 

Tara's at the bar with a vamp called Franklin. Sookie makes some small talk and blah blah blah. Sookie asks (at one point) why there's not more humans, and Alcide says it's because of a spell. Sookie then lowers herself to talk to Talbot, all the while making judgements about him. Sookie lies about seeing Jerry and talks more about super boring shit. I hope nothing that's said is important, because my eyes are seriously glazing over at this point. 

For some reason, Tara starts talking about a dance that she and Sookie did in high school that sounds suspiciously like a strip tease. The DJ plays "Love is a Battlefield" for the whores girls, and they can't wait to get their asses up on the dance floor and gay it up. A direct quote: "Could it have looked more like some lesbian tease act performed in a strip bar?" Sookie then goes on to protest that she's never been to a strip club (**cough bullshit cough**). As more and more people gather to watch these two sluts, Sookie and Tara get more into it, "pumping" their hips...I can just imagine...

The song is wrong, but the idea is there. Urg. Of course, when they're done their song, they turn offers down left and right. Alcide is pissed off at Sookie for some reason. Not for being a huge whore, noooooo, he's mad because he told Sookie he still has feelings for Debbie and won't get to experience those sweet, sweet moves in bed. He makes mention that she doesn't seem to be looking for Bill too hard (I concur, Alcide), and she gets all weepy, which leads to everyone giving Alcide dirty looks. Blarg. Of course, Alcide apologises, and Sookie starts flirting with him, because she's a dumb cunt. 

Sookie looks dazedly around the bar and sees Eric. Suddenly...Sookie catches a thought - some dude is planning on killing himself in the bar and taking a whole shitload of people with him. Sookie wanders around trying to figure it out who it is. It's some dude in a bad suit (which Sookie snidely comments on...putting down a suit from JC Penny's when she's a frequent fashion buyer from Walmart). Sookie debates whether or not she should share this information, and after a very boring inner monologue, she yells "STAKE!!!" Everyone freaks out, and Sookie finally recognises the dude standing with the guy in the JC Penny suit - it's Steve Newlin, of the Brotherhood of the Sun fame. Sookie gets stabbed by the stake and apparently hears tweeting in the melee that follows her battle cry (tweeting??). The vampires take care of business and Sookie tries to get Tara the fuck out of the bar, but Sookie chooses friends who are like her - birds of a feather I guess. Tara is dumb as fuck and is basically walking around being a douche. Sookie's bleeding and Eric, who has been nominated to get Sookie and Tara the fuck out of there, tells Sookie he wants to lick her. Patience, my sweet Eric. Sookie reeks of a girl who wants to be licked by you. Once the artard bitches are out of the bar, Russell, Eric et al discuss Sookie's injury, and Russell says they'll all go to his house (probably for an after-party). Alcide's not there because he wolfed-out. Sookie passes out. Eric and Talbot discuss how Sookie knew that there was a stake dude in the bar, and Eric covers for Sookie, since she doesn't want them to know she's telepathic. 

Sookie and the gang arrive at Russell's place, and Sookie likens it to a gay Playboy mansion. Sookie's all fucked up and says she's like Scarlett in Gone with the Wind because Eric's carrying her up the stairs. Because she's all high and shit, Sookie almost blows everything by saying "He's here", meaning Bill but Eric, again, covers for her. Just before she passes out again, Eric tells her to be careful. What he really means is "Shut the fuck up, bitch."

Overview:  Sookie is a whore at the Club Dead again, to everyone's lack of surprise. Sookie gets staked while trying to stop a vampire apocalypse, gets doped up and passes out at Russell Edgington's gay wonderland.

Club Dead: Chapter 8 - Dude, Where's That Body?

Sookie, worn out from a night of ditching dead bodies with Alcide, just wants to take a nap, but they have some evidence covering up to do, so they get at it when they get back to Alcide's apartment. Sookie has some very, very, VERY late remorse about covering up a crime, but hey that's just life in Sookie's world. Alcide tells her not to sweat the small stuff, that something else will come up soon to fuck her life up and make this dead body dump and cover look as insignificant as a late fee at the library. Sookie then goes to take a nap. 

Something wakes her suddenly...it's a knock at the door!! Instead of going into the living room or wherever the door is like a normal person, she sneeks to the door of her bedroom and eavesdrops. Alcide is talking to someone about some dude named Jerry, and how he showed up at someone's apartment with a grievance about Alcide. Alcide tells mystery person that he (Jerry) hurt Sookie and that blood was drawn. This is quite the misdeed in the were culture, I guess. Alcide then says that Edgington stepped in took care of  the "hurting/disturbing Sookie" business, and the mystery person doesn't like that information at all. Finally, Alcide says the mystery person's name - Terrence. Anyhow, he pleads his innocence in the incident at the bar. Alcide reassures Terrence that he'll only be in town one more night, and that he won't make another scene. Ya, right Alcide. You're with Sookie. Sookie's a one woman drama factory. Terrence basically tells Alcide to make sure he keeps his nose clean. Should be no problem, since the ringleader that was involved in the scuffle is now dead. 

Eric shows up and taps at the window, startling Sookie as she eavesdrops. She motions to Eric to keep his bloody (haha) mouth shut. Alcide comes into the room when Terrence leaves, and Sookie tells him she heard everything. Alcide goes to the window to let Eric in. Eric's hair is in a ponytail and he's wearing glasses, so Sookie asks if he's in disguise. Sigh. Eric has a lot to learn in the area of disguise. Putting on glasses - isn't that how they fool people in Disney shows? Sookie drools a bit because Eric's wearing a suit. 

Alcide accuses Eric of putting a dead body in the closet and Eric asks if it was Bubba in the closet. Turns out Bill isn't the only missing vamp - Bubba is missing as well. Alcide fills Eric in on the shit that happened at the bar the night before and Eric asks to see her scabby shoulder. Eric then asks more questions about the body and where it might be located now. Alcide and Sookie share a meaningful stare (which I imagine to look like this...)

and they tell Eric how they dumped the body in the woods. Alcide mentions to Eric that the packmaster in Jackson came to see him, and that they seem to have gotten away with the body dump. Eric says that he'll be in the club tonight, and some other bullshit happens. Eric then tells Sookie that he's looked all over Jackson for Bill but there's no sign of him, and she'd better start getting used to the idea that Bill's really for real dead. Sookie almost faints (um, didn't she hear this might be the case before) and sheds a glistening tear from each of her blue eyeballs. Which Eric licks off her face to which I say whafaa? Who the fuck does this, and why would this be considered okay? Eric says they only place he hasn't checked is Edgington's pad (hmmm, I wonder where they might want to look...). Eric wants Sookie to tell him what Bill was working on, but since Sookie is the most clueless and useless panty-waste ever, she can't. Eric gets a little moody, to which Sookie replies by vowing to find her precious Bill. Eric tells Sookie that Edgington won't be swayed by Sookie's feminine wiles, and Sookie gets all pouty and asks how the fuck would Eric know. He mentions that some bi-sexual were's vamp girlfriend (yeah, it's just as stupid as it sounds) told him that Edgington is all about the cock (I think we knew this, but I can't remember and frankly...could give a sheet), and some wordplay is mentioned about "two natured" and shit. Sookie figures out that if Bill is anywhere, he's probably at Edgington's compound (to which I say a resounding "No shit, Sherlock). Eric looks at Sookie all sad-like, which makes Sookie all sad-like. 

Overview:  Making a body disappear makes Sookie tired. Sookie likes to eavesdrop. Eric cannot find Bill. He's probably at Edgington's manor/estate/prison. Most likely not vamp dead, but the everlasting wooden stake fucked up dead.

Club Dead: Chapter 7 - That's Not Old Mother Hubbard...

Since I've been such a bad blogger, I'm doing two chapters to make up for my lack of attention to the series...and to you guys!!

By the time Sookie gets back to Alcide, he's home. He's done something either to or for Sookie, but she decides to respect someone's privacy for once. She also notices a bit of a stench, which is funny because she just cleaned up someone else's house. Does that mean she's a dirty little oinker? Sookie tells Alcide that she'd gone to see Janice again, and they talk about Janice and her secret keeping skills (she knows about Alcide and has never told anyone...um, that's not being an excellent secret keeping, that's being a good sister). Alcide then mentions the funky smell in the house (it may be Sookie's funky underwear from the night before...). 

Janice's husband shows up and asks Alcide to help set up his Christmas lights. Wow, unable much? He says he left his kid at home since Alcide has a slut woman over. Sookie quotes the Bible at him and they both protest that Sookie's not there as a fuck buddy, at which time Sookie storms like a 5 year old into her room. After Alcide's brother-in-law leaves, Alcide invites Sookie to play Scrabble with him - hahahaha. That's one way to turn a woman off. Harris is sure to mention that even though Alcide went to college and is obviously smarter and more successful than Sookie, they are evenly matched because Sookie likes to read lady porn. 

As Sookie puts the game away, she brings up the rotten smell (I really wish it were Sookie's box, because that thing probably stinks like week old halibut). Turns out it's a dead werewolf someone's stuck in Alcide's cupboard. The were has been drained of his blood, and Sookie suggests calling the police. The were was at Club Dead the night before, and was one of the ones treating Sookie the way she really should be treated, and Alcide says that no-one would believe that they didn't have a hand in his death. Also, since the club is run by vampires and frequented by weres, they might be putting the police in a bad situation. Well thought, Alcide. Of course dumb-ass Sookie wouldn't think of that. They decide to wrap the were in a shower curtain and take him to the garage in the basement. 

To be inform us of completely useless information, Harris mentions that the shower curtain they use is blue, green and has yellow fish on it. Fuck.

Alcide pulls the were out of the cupboard (or closet, or whatever) and they duct tape the body into the curtain. Sookie mentions that real men always have duct tape somewhere. I guess I must be a real man then. Or just Canadian. Sookie says the fucking stupidest things. They laugh about how the corpse looks for a little while, then Sookie goes to get the elevator and be a look out. A man steps out of the elevator, and is very pleasant to Sookie, and makes some small talk with her. She bitches out and makes an excuse to ditch the poor guy. They finally get a clear shot at the elevator, and take the body to the 3rd floor (um, what?), then take the stairs to the basement. Why the fuck wouldn't they take the elevator all the way to the garage? What kind of condo building, if they have an elevator and a garage, doesn't have the elevator go to the basement or whatever? Anyhow...I guess that doesn't matter.

They drive the body out to the country in order to dump it.We're told that because Sookie watches the Discovery Channel, she's an expert in forensics. Alcide mentions that this night is a full moon, and when he looks at Sookie, his eyes are all fucked up. They discuss for 2 seconds who could have possibly killed the dude. Then they drive back into town.

As they do, they stop at a Wal-mart and Sookie thinks about how she hasn't bought anything for Bill this Christmas. I'll tell you something - if my boyfriend bought me a Christmas present at Wal-mart, he'd be missing at least one of his balls. 

When they get back in Alcide's truck, Sookie remembers she just got her nails done, but because she's such a crack criminal, her nails are fine. She gets a bit bummed out, and mentions this to Alcide, who says why should she be sad unless she killed the dude. They start talking about who may have killed the guy, and they can't really think of anyone. Except Debbie. Duh duh duuuuuuuh!!!

Since body dumping is hard work, they stop off at a diner to eat. They figure that the kill and stuff had to be done late at night...or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it, which leads them to talking about Eric, and then get bitchy at each other. Alcide says that Eric wants in Sookie's trousers, and Sookie spits back that Alcide is still in love with Debbie. They agree that they're better for each other than anyone else, but it can't happen. Right now. They're going to wait until Alcide is over Debbie and Sookie finds her tortured and possibly dead boyfriend and breaks up with him. Then they'll finally live happily ever after. Seriously, it says happily ever after. 

Overview:  Sookie, the dead body magnet, finds a dead body stuffed in Alcide's apartment. Sookie and Alcide decide to live out a shitty Taylor Swift song...take your pick, they're all shitty. These are seriously boring chapters. But I guess it's to get make the heat between Sookie and Alcide crystal clear. Okay, Harris, we get it. Sookie's hot and gives all the boys pant tents.

Club Dead: Chapter 6 - Most Useless Chapter Ever...

Sookie and Alcide return to Alcide's place, and Sookie can hardly wait to get her clothes off. Alcide helps her with her zipper, and naturally it turns her on. As they gaze adoringly into each other's eyes, they both agree that it's not the best time to get it on. Alcide kisses her anyhow, and Sookie gets all worked up, you know, because she's never had sex with a live guy. But she manages to push herself away from Alcide. I'm sure if he threw her a $20, he'd at least get a bj since she's all hookered out anyhow. Alcide is turned on by Sookie's huge boobs, and they both agree that when the timing is better, they'll bump uglies. Sookie hangs up her slutty dress, and bemoans the fact that there are greasy fingerprints on it. Um...say what? So naturally the people at the bar were so greasy, it was dripping off their fingers? Or maybe they stopped off at KFC at the end of the night. She puts on her little pink nighty and reads her romance novel for a while. Which tells me eversomuch about her mentality. Harris...reading a romance novel is like killing your brain cells. The book gets her worked up, but I honestly think that a slight breeze would turn on Hooker Sookie at this point. 

Sookie hears a knock at the window and screams. It's Eric. Alcide runs in to save Sookie, but damn, dude, it's just Eric. Alcide is standing there in his pyjama pants, and Sookie gets wet again. Alcide invites Eric in and Eric asks what Sookie's found out. She tells him that vamps do have Bill and that they're torturing Bill. They figure that Bill will also be killed. Eric instructs Sookie to sit with Russell Edgington the next night. Alcide rescinds his invitation into his house, and Eric is forced out. Sookie, after reading Alcide's mind, tells him that not every man in the world is in love with her. Trust me, Sook, there's more than men that don't love you. 

When Sookie wakes up the next day, Alcide has already left. Sookie dismisses her laziness by telling herself she sleeps late because she works nights. Um, Sook? Alcide went to bed at the same time you did, and he still managed to get up at a decent time. After watching the news (Harris says CNN but I can see Sookie being a Fox News fan), she's bored. You know, because she doesn't feel comfortable having private time and doesn't seem to like herself very much. I rarely find myself bored, but maybe that's because I'm not an artard. So she cleans. Way to let your host know you think he lives like a pig. Then she goes for a walk and thinks about Bill. She gets a little bitchy (surprise) because Bill won't be spending Christmas with her. While she's walking outside Janice's salon (which she calls a "shop"...), Janice calls her in. Sookie mentions to Janice that Alcide left a note as to what he was doing that day, and you'd think he'd proposed to her or something. Sookie tells Janice a bit about the night before, and a woman in the salon is a bit of a bitch about Debbie and the dude she's marrying. The same woman mentions that Debbie is into "weird stuff", like devil worship and witchcraft. Janice and Sookie feel superior that they're not into that sort of thing. Okay, Sookie. You feel superior all you want, with a vampire boyfriend, because vampires are so less evil than witches. 

Janice asks Sookie about her wardrobe for the evening, and Sookie says she's wearing beige (quite a difference from hooker red), and Janice tells her that she needs her nails redone to go with the new dress. Janice asks what Sookie's profession is, and tells Sookie that Debbie is a legal assistant. Sookie starts thinking about how Debbie has a better education than she does. Um, getting a legal assistant diploma is like taking a shit. It takes a minute effort, and you usually end up with...well...shit lol. Sookie gives herself the excuse that her telepathy made school hard. I would have thought it would have been easier, since you would know who the smart kids are and get the answers from them. But since Sookie's such a saint, she would never do something like that. But she did "excel" at homework. Who the hell excels at homework? Um, looking up answers and writing essays? Good for you, Sookie...good for you. 

The chapter ends with Sookie regretting that she's there to look for Bill instead of really being with Alcide. Shortest chapter ever, I think, and most boring. 

Overview:  Sookie gets turned on by Alcide and he wants to fuck her in return, but they don't. Eric shows up and gets the down low on what's happening with Bill. Sookie gets her nails redone and dreams about being part of Alcide's family. Blah.