Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Last Sookie Book

Hey all. Well, I've had the (mis)fortune of reading the last book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, and I can tell you it's a full-form shitfest. Stop reading here if you don't want to know what happens. 

Okay, really? All of Sookie's enemies die? And she ends up with Sam? Sigh. Everything comes up Sookie. I'd be surprised if Harris doesn't try to take one last kick at the can and have Sookie delivering a vat of puppies sometime in the near future. 

That's all I'm going to say for now, and will go into detail when I cover the book. I promise!!

Club Dead: Chapter 10 - Plans?? We Don't Need No Stinking Plans!!

Now, since Sookie's in bed, you know that everyone she's ever met will be in the bedroom. Sookie asks what the fuck is going to happen to her, and some strange vamp she's never met is about to help her. She's introduced to him and she says...ahem..."How de do?" I must ask...do people really say that? Like, really really? Because I think I'd have to slap a bitch if someone said that to me. Sookie makes a comment about how it's ironic that, in a room full of vamps, a human (her, specifically) was the one who was staked. I guess the vampire she was talking to (Ray Don, to be exact) is a fucking moron, because either he doesn't know what ironic means (which is what Sookie believes) or he just looks like a dumbass. Now, I'm confused, because who doesn't know what ironic means? Or the new Alanis-Morrissette-version of what ironic means. My pet peeve, sorry. Ironic is saying one thing but meaning another, and I'm not sure how that falls into play here, but then Harris may not know what ironic means either. From Mirriam-Webster dictionary: irony - the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning. 


Anywhooooo, turns out that Ray Don has lots of healing powers in his spit which is why he's going to be helping Sookie out with her gaping hole...no, not that one, the one from the stake. So, Ray Don gets his juices flowing (haha) by sucking some little twink's blood and Sookie stares at Ray Don's crotch and sees him, erm, growing in anticipation. When R.D. is done with the twink, he goes to attend to Sookie. Eric tries to calm Sookie down, who is about to freak out (yeah, as if she's never been fed on before?) but it doens't work. Sookie starts screaming like a mo-fo, but Eric, being a wonderful and caring person, helps Sookie to float away. Away where? Who the fuck knows. Just away. 

When she comes to, her dress is off, but her undies are still on. She's all in a knot about Eric being in bed with her. Her wound is much better when she looks and she thanks Eric. Eric makes a suggestive comment which gets Sookie all fucking mad again, but when he kisses her, she gets all wet. Just as she's going to rip her panties off, Bubba bursts in. Sookie and Bubba make small talk (why are you here, are you okay, etc). Bubba asks what the fuck is she doing in bed with Eric when her boyfriend is Bill (and still missing, btw). Eric explains that he's just there to donate some blood (and maybe sperm?) to Sookie, and that Bubba is to look around for Bill and say nothing to anyone, except to introduce himself. 

Sookie and Eric discuss how they're going to get Bill out, and it's decided that they will cover him with a blanket as soon as Sookie gets all 'roided up on Eric's blood. It's decided that Sookie will take Bill to Alcide's underground garage, and while they're discussing, Sookie takes a look up Eric's underwear leg hole and gets all wet again. Eric tells her to calm the fuck down and just suck. Suck his blood that is, you perverts!! Harris goes on and on about the beautiful gift that Eric is giving Sookie and once again, I could give a fuck about a page and a half of filler. Oh, one interesting thing does happen. Eric spoofs all over Sookie's back while she's sucking him off. 

The twink vamp comes back with some clothes for Sookie, and I guess this dude has just as bad of taste in clothes as Sookie does - he gives her a light blue sweats and a ??silk bathrobe?? for some reason. Sookie pretends to be disgusted by the huge amount of jizz on her back. We all know she loves it. 

We get a breakdown of the bathroom Sookie goes into to change. Seriously. Who really gives a flying fuck? She showers, wipes the cum off her back and goes back to the bedroom where she left Eric. Bubba has returned with news that he's found Bill. Bill is being kept in a garage by the pool (a description of the pool is given, for no reason at all that I can discern).  Bill's got 3 vamps standing guard over him at night, and has werewolves looking after him during the day. Luckily there's a full moon and Sookie figures the wolves will be all tired out during the day, what from wolfing out the night before. 

The plan: Sookie pretends to be weak (ha, pretends...), Eric pretends not to know Bill or Sookie, and they're going to somehow smuggle Bill out in the trunk of a car. So far, that's about it. They say it's a shitty plan. I agree. The twink comes in and after some asinine bullshit, he tells Sookie that she should go back to Alcide the day after the full moon - after Alcide is done whooping it up with the local wolves. 

Eric manages to get Sookie a car with a big trunk and tells her as she's drifting off to sleep where it's parked. Sookie notices that they're both glowing, which doesn't get mentioned really at all. Thanks, Harris. We get a full scale rundown of a fucking bathroom, but nothing about people glowing? Moron. Anyhow, as Eric departs he mutters to Sookie that he doesn't like having feelings. Yeah, because Sookie's the only one who made him feel during his many, many years on Earth. Okay.

Overview: Sookie gets healed by a twinkie vamp, then drinks a lot of Eric's blood. He does not jizz in his pants, but all over the Sookmeister's back. Eric and Sookie make a half-assed plan to save Bill, who is in a garage.