Sunday, January 13, 2013

Club Dead: Chapter 7 - That's Not Old Mother Hubbard...

Since I've been such a bad blogger, I'm doing two chapters to make up for my lack of attention to the series...and to you guys!!

By the time Sookie gets back to Alcide, he's home. He's done something either to or for Sookie, but she decides to respect someone's privacy for once. She also notices a bit of a stench, which is funny because she just cleaned up someone else's house. Does that mean she's a dirty little oinker? Sookie tells Alcide that she'd gone to see Janice again, and they talk about Janice and her secret keeping skills (she knows about Alcide and has never told, that's not being an excellent secret keeping, that's being a good sister). Alcide then mentions the funky smell in the house (it may be Sookie's funky underwear from the night before...). 

Janice's husband shows up and asks Alcide to help set up his Christmas lights. Wow, unable much? He says he left his kid at home since Alcide has a slut woman over. Sookie quotes the Bible at him and they both protest that Sookie's not there as a fuck buddy, at which time Sookie storms like a 5 year old into her room. After Alcide's brother-in-law leaves, Alcide invites Sookie to play Scrabble with him - hahahaha. That's one way to turn a woman off. Harris is sure to mention that even though Alcide went to college and is obviously smarter and more successful than Sookie, they are evenly matched because Sookie likes to read lady porn. 

As Sookie puts the game away, she brings up the rotten smell (I really wish it were Sookie's box, because that thing probably stinks like week old halibut). Turns out it's a dead werewolf someone's stuck in Alcide's cupboard. The were has been drained of his blood, and Sookie suggests calling the police. The were was at Club Dead the night before, and was one of the ones treating Sookie the way she really should be treated, and Alcide says that no-one would believe that they didn't have a hand in his death. Also, since the club is run by vampires and frequented by weres, they might be putting the police in a bad situation. Well thought, Alcide. Of course dumb-ass Sookie wouldn't think of that. They decide to wrap the were in a shower curtain and take him to the garage in the basement. 

To be inform us of completely useless information, Harris mentions that the shower curtain they use is blue, green and has yellow fish on it. Fuck.

Alcide pulls the were out of the cupboard (or closet, or whatever) and they duct tape the body into the curtain. Sookie mentions that real men always have duct tape somewhere. I guess I must be a real man then. Or just Canadian. Sookie says the fucking stupidest things. They laugh about how the corpse looks for a little while, then Sookie goes to get the elevator and be a look out. A man steps out of the elevator, and is very pleasant to Sookie, and makes some small talk with her. She bitches out and makes an excuse to ditch the poor guy. They finally get a clear shot at the elevator, and take the body to the 3rd floor (um, what?), then take the stairs to the basement. Why the fuck wouldn't they take the elevator all the way to the garage? What kind of condo building, if they have an elevator and a garage, doesn't have the elevator go to the basement or whatever? Anyhow...I guess that doesn't matter.

They drive the body out to the country in order to dump it.We're told that because Sookie watches the Discovery Channel, she's an expert in forensics. Alcide mentions that this night is a full moon, and when he looks at Sookie, his eyes are all fucked up. They discuss for 2 seconds who could have possibly killed the dude. Then they drive back into town.

As they do, they stop at a Wal-mart and Sookie thinks about how she hasn't bought anything for Bill this Christmas. I'll tell you something - if my boyfriend bought me a Christmas present at Wal-mart, he'd be missing at least one of his balls. 

When they get back in Alcide's truck, Sookie remembers she just got her nails done, but because she's such a crack criminal, her nails are fine. She gets a bit bummed out, and mentions this to Alcide, who says why should she be sad unless she killed the dude. They start talking about who may have killed the guy, and they can't really think of anyone. Except Debbie. Duh duh duuuuuuuh!!!

Since body dumping is hard work, they stop off at a diner to eat. They figure that the kill and stuff had to be done late at night...or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it, which leads them to talking about Eric, and then get bitchy at each other. Alcide says that Eric wants in Sookie's trousers, and Sookie spits back that Alcide is still in love with Debbie. They agree that they're better for each other than anyone else, but it can't happen. Right now. They're going to wait until Alcide is over Debbie and Sookie finds her tortured and possibly dead boyfriend and breaks up with him. Then they'll finally live happily ever after. Seriously, it says happily ever after. 

Overview:  Sookie, the dead body magnet, finds a dead body stuffed in Alcide's apartment. Sookie and Alcide decide to live out a shitty Taylor Swift song...take your pick, they're all shitty. These are seriously boring chapters. But I guess it's to get make the heat between Sookie and Alcide crystal clear. Okay, Harris, we get it. Sookie's hot and gives all the boys pant tents.

Club Dead: Chapter 6 - Most Useless Chapter Ever...

Sookie and Alcide return to Alcide's place, and Sookie can hardly wait to get her clothes off. Alcide helps her with her zipper, and naturally it turns her on. As they gaze adoringly into each other's eyes, they both agree that it's not the best time to get it on. Alcide kisses her anyhow, and Sookie gets all worked up, you know, because she's never had sex with a live guy. But she manages to push herself away from Alcide. I'm sure if he threw her a $20, he'd at least get a bj since she's all hookered out anyhow. Alcide is turned on by Sookie's huge boobs, and they both agree that when the timing is better, they'll bump uglies. Sookie hangs up her slutty dress, and bemoans the fact that there are greasy fingerprints on it. Um...say what? So naturally the people at the bar were so greasy, it was dripping off their fingers? Or maybe they stopped off at KFC at the end of the night. She puts on her little pink nighty and reads her romance novel for a while. Which tells me eversomuch about her mentality. Harris...reading a romance novel is like killing your brain cells. The book gets her worked up, but I honestly think that a slight breeze would turn on Hooker Sookie at this point. 

Sookie hears a knock at the window and screams. It's Eric. Alcide runs in to save Sookie, but damn, dude, it's just Eric. Alcide is standing there in his pyjama pants, and Sookie gets wet again. Alcide invites Eric in and Eric asks what Sookie's found out. She tells him that vamps do have Bill and that they're torturing Bill. They figure that Bill will also be killed. Eric instructs Sookie to sit with Russell Edgington the next night. Alcide rescinds his invitation into his house, and Eric is forced out. Sookie, after reading Alcide's mind, tells him that not every man in the world is in love with her. Trust me, Sook, there's more than men that don't love you. 

When Sookie wakes up the next day, Alcide has already left. Sookie dismisses her laziness by telling herself she sleeps late because she works nights. Um, Sook? Alcide went to bed at the same time you did, and he still managed to get up at a decent time. After watching the news (Harris says CNN but I can see Sookie being a Fox News fan), she's bored. You know, because she doesn't feel comfortable having private time and doesn't seem to like herself very much. I rarely find myself bored, but maybe that's because I'm not an artard. So she cleans. Way to let your host know you think he lives like a pig. Then she goes for a walk and thinks about Bill. She gets a little bitchy (surprise) because Bill won't be spending Christmas with her. While she's walking outside Janice's salon (which she calls a "shop"...), Janice calls her in. Sookie mentions to Janice that Alcide left a note as to what he was doing that day, and you'd think he'd proposed to her or something. Sookie tells Janice a bit about the night before, and a woman in the salon is a bit of a bitch about Debbie and the dude she's marrying. The same woman mentions that Debbie is into "weird stuff", like devil worship and witchcraft. Janice and Sookie feel superior that they're not into that sort of thing. Okay, Sookie. You feel superior all you want, with a vampire boyfriend, because vampires are so less evil than witches. 

Janice asks Sookie about her wardrobe for the evening, and Sookie says she's wearing beige (quite a difference from hooker red), and Janice tells her that she needs her nails redone to go with the new dress. Janice asks what Sookie's profession is, and tells Sookie that Debbie is a legal assistant. Sookie starts thinking about how Debbie has a better education than she does. Um, getting a legal assistant diploma is like taking a shit. It takes a minute effort, and you usually end up with...well...shit lol. Sookie gives herself the excuse that her telepathy made school hard. I would have thought it would have been easier, since you would know who the smart kids are and get the answers from them. But since Sookie's such a saint, she would never do something like that. But she did "excel" at homework. Who the hell excels at homework? Um, looking up answers and writing essays? Good for you, Sookie...good for you. 

The chapter ends with Sookie regretting that she's there to look for Bill instead of really being with Alcide. Shortest chapter ever, I think, and most boring. 

Overview:  Sookie gets turned on by Alcide and he wants to fuck her in return, but they don't. Eric shows up and gets the down low on what's happening with Bill. Sookie gets her nails redone and dreams about being part of Alcide's family. Blah.