Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Club Dead: Chapter 9 - Stake to the Heart, and You're to Blame

Sookie is getting ready to whore up again go to Club Dead. Instead of wishing she weren't involved in all this bullshit (dating vampires, going to werewolf clubs, finding dead bodies in closets), she instead wishes she were attending a regular, run-of-the-mill vampire club. We get a review of how awesome Fangtasia is. Blah. She gets her sexy little stockings on and thinks of her friend, Arlene. I think this is a hint towards her lesbianism. This rides along with the fact that she used to play softball. But that's just my opinion. 

For the club, she wears: 

A barely there champagne coloured dress (sounds actually half decent);

And jet earrings (I know these probably aren't what Harris meant, but Go Jets Go!!).

And black heels, which eases my mind, because yeah, you don't wear black fucking heels with a champagne coloured dress, dumbass. I thought for a second, Harris/Sookie had gotten some fashion sense. But no. Needless worry!!

Sookie laments the loss of her jacket and is worried she'll have to wear her old, ratty jacket (which I imagine has to be acid wash or something) but low and behold, Alcide bought her a black velvet wrap, which she naturally cries over while rubbing it on her face. 

As Alcide and Sookie enter the club, Alcide mentions that there's a full moon that evening, so emotions (and were-hormones) are running high. The doorman tells Sookie that she's not allowed to start any shit that night, but Alcide sticks up for her. Just because you dress like a cheap whore doesn't mean you're cheap, right?

Alcide and Sookie are led to Russell Edgington's table. Sookie freaks the fuck out and squeals like a pig when she sees her friend, Tara, at Russell's table. We get a description of Tara's outfit, but I'm bored. It's gold and slutty. Then it hits her - seeing Tara there could mean something bad. Not because Tara's hanging out with a really, REALLY bad crowd, but because she doesn't want Tara to ask why Bill's not with her. So Sookie takes Tara to the bathroom to tell her to keep her fucking mouth shut. 

Tara's at the bar with a vamp called Franklin. Sookie makes some small talk and blah blah blah. Sookie asks (at one point) why there's not more humans, and Alcide says it's because of a spell. Sookie then lowers herself to talk to Talbot, all the while making judgements about him. Sookie lies about seeing Jerry and talks more about super boring shit. I hope nothing that's said is important, because my eyes are seriously glazing over at this point. 

For some reason, Tara starts talking about a dance that she and Sookie did in high school that sounds suspiciously like a strip tease. The DJ plays "Love is a Battlefield" for the whores girls, and they can't wait to get their asses up on the dance floor and gay it up. A direct quote: "Could it have looked more like some lesbian tease act performed in a strip bar?" Sookie then goes on to protest that she's never been to a strip club (**cough bullshit cough**). As more and more people gather to watch these two sluts, Sookie and Tara get more into it, "pumping" their hips...I can just imagine...

The song is wrong, but the idea is there. Urg. Of course, when they're done their song, they turn offers down left and right. Alcide is pissed off at Sookie for some reason. Not for being a huge whore, noooooo, he's mad because he told Sookie he still has feelings for Debbie and won't get to experience those sweet, sweet moves in bed. He makes mention that she doesn't seem to be looking for Bill too hard (I concur, Alcide), and she gets all weepy, which leads to everyone giving Alcide dirty looks. Blarg. Of course, Alcide apologises, and Sookie starts flirting with him, because she's a dumb cunt. 

Sookie looks dazedly around the bar and sees Eric. Suddenly...Sookie catches a thought - some dude is planning on killing himself in the bar and taking a whole shitload of people with him. Sookie wanders around trying to figure it out who it is. It's some dude in a bad suit (which Sookie snidely comments on...putting down a suit from JC Penny's when she's a frequent fashion buyer from Walmart). Sookie debates whether or not she should share this information, and after a very boring inner monologue, she yells "STAKE!!!" Everyone freaks out, and Sookie finally recognises the dude standing with the guy in the JC Penny suit - it's Steve Newlin, of the Brotherhood of the Sun fame. Sookie gets stabbed by the stake and apparently hears tweeting in the melee that follows her battle cry (tweeting??). The vampires take care of business and Sookie tries to get Tara the fuck out of the bar, but Sookie chooses friends who are like her - birds of a feather I guess. Tara is dumb as fuck and is basically walking around being a douche. Sookie's bleeding and Eric, who has been nominated to get Sookie and Tara the fuck out of there, tells Sookie he wants to lick her. Patience, my sweet Eric. Sookie reeks of a girl who wants to be licked by you. Once the artard bitches are out of the bar, Russell, Eric et al discuss Sookie's injury, and Russell says they'll all go to his house (probably for an after-party). Alcide's not there because he wolfed-out. Sookie passes out. Eric and Talbot discuss how Sookie knew that there was a stake dude in the bar, and Eric covers for Sookie, since she doesn't want them to know she's telepathic. 

Sookie and the gang arrive at Russell's place, and Sookie likens it to a gay Playboy mansion. Sookie's all fucked up and says she's like Scarlett in Gone with the Wind because Eric's carrying her up the stairs. Because she's all high and shit, Sookie almost blows everything by saying "He's here", meaning Bill but Eric, again, covers for her. Just before she passes out again, Eric tells her to be careful. What he really means is "Shut the fuck up, bitch."

Overview:  Sookie is a whore at the Club Dead again, to everyone's lack of surprise. Sookie gets staked while trying to stop a vampire apocalypse, gets doped up and passes out at Russell Edgington's gay wonderland.


  1. The original awesome blonde...Nancy DrewMarch 19, 2013

    Sookie has a lot of dresses for a waitress...she never wears the same thing twice. Granted, Walmart probably has some special deals, especially cause she apparently has a body that just wont quit. For a woman that is always bitchin about money she sure has lots outfits.

  2. I cracked up the first time I read this chapter- Alcide just abandoned her after she got staked. Didn't she bitch Bill out for nearly the same thing in LDID? Alcide knew what he was doing... he didn't want to be there in case she got caught.

    1. Yup, she sure did. But then, Alcide's only a werewolf and apparently a smart little chicken lol.