Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 1 - Gay Dudes & Dead Bodies

First, I must apologise for the length of time between posts. Honestly, I needed a break from what an artard Sookie is. Is it smart to blog about something you dread? Because I think that may be a sign of insanity. I'm definitely insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain!! Now that I've dated myself, I shall continue on with the Sookie Saga.

Living Dead in Dallas: Book 2

This book starts off with Sookie judging Andy Bellefleur for being drunk. In a bar. When she was serving him. Sigh. It starts already...

She makes sure to remark that they aren't friends, but because she's so amazing and caring, she's worried about him. She spies on his thoughts and sees that Andy had to arrest some bastard who was raping children. Sookie demands his keys, and he hands them over. She calls his sister (what a fucking tattle-tale) to rat on his drunken ass. Sookie goes back over to Andy and he asks where Bill is. Enter Bill. Some moron calls him V.B. I guess "Bill" is too long to say. That and Harris probably wants to remind everyone that he's a vampire. 

Portia comes into the bar to get Andy and Sookie notices that Portia takes care of her hair, so that means she's on the prowl. Portia and Bill carry Andy out to his car (I could have sworn he wasn't passed out a couple seconds ago), and there's a surprise waiting for Andy when he picks up his car the next day. A dead body. It's gay ol' Lafayette. Say what??!! But Harris doesn't tell us who it is yet, so pretend I didn't tell you, and pretend to be surprised when she does reveal who the dead body is. Okay? Thanks! You guys are the greatest!

Turns out, Sookie wasn't even supposed to be there today!!

(I can't help but think of Clerks - love that movie!!) 

We get to hear her drone on about how hard it is to date a vampire, how many vitamins she has to take bla fucking bla. Then she talks about summer, boring shit like that. It hurts to read. That's 2 pages of bullshit. All this to say that she went to work in a good mood, but that was gone to shit when she found the dead body in Andy's car. That's when we find out...it's Lafayette! (Remember, pretend to be surprised.) She gets in her car and drives around to Sam's trailer, honking her horn. Why doesn't she walk behind the bar to his trailer? Because she's a lazy sum'bitch. Sam runs out, and Sookie says that Lafayette is dead, and starts crying. This is a quote: "That was ridiculous and silly and no help at all, but I couldn't help it." Really? You're quasi-apologising for having a half-normal reaction to finding a dead body? Fuck, I hate you. Sookie goes on to put down cooks, saying that an artard could do Lafayette's job (he's no waitress) and that he was gay, but he did his job. Wow, what an endorsement. Once again...fuck, I hate you. Sam calls the cops, and a couple of the day-shift waitresses come on. They're friends. Does this matter? No. Not so much. Sam and Sookie fill them in on the dead body, and the two extra-considerate waitresses ask who's going to cook for lunch. Really? REALLY? They must have compassion classes in Bon Temps. Sam says that they should get ready for the lunch rush, even though their cook is dead. Yup. There must be no other restaurants in Bon Temps. 

So the cops show up, as does the coroner. The cops start asking appropriate questions about Lafayette, and Sookie volunteers the information that a vampire cooked in the kitchen the night before. Alcee (one of the cops - it's pointed out he's black, because Harris likes to point out when a person is a minority) seems somewhat surprised, and Sookie gets all pissy. Hey, fucking moron? Yeah, it would be weird to have a vampire cooking. Because they don't eat people food. They just eat people. So get the fuck over it. Sookie's getting some clear vibes from Alcee that he's grossed out by this (and a little scared) and Harris uses this intro to point out how good Sookie has been at blocking people out. Because she's a learnin' kind of girl. But Alcee's a clear broadcaster so she can't help but see that he's superstitious (ummmmm, how so?) about the vampire cooking at Merlottes, that Lafayette was an embarrassment because he was such a flamer, and that Sookie dates Bill. He also wonders if Lafayette got the HIVS all over Andy's car. Because he's gay. And we all know that every gay person has the HIVS. I wanna punch some people. Bud (the sheriff) asks if L had come in the evening before, and Sookie says that she never saw him at the bar unless he was working. They all discuss L's busy and sexxxxxual social life and nothing comes up there (until, like, 2 seconds later!). Here's another gem from Sookie:

Bud: "When did you see him last?"
Sookie: "Dead, in the car."

Oh my foooooooooking god. Seriously? Anyhow, the last time she saw him ALIVE, he'd mentioned he was going to some kind of orgy, and the cops grill her on that. Then the cops ask if the house was owned by a black or white person. How the fuck does that matter? Bitch slap. So Sookie leaves after giving the cops no information. She is just so god-damned helpful to the police. Like not giving details of a house where L was last seen. Her co-workers and Sam are doing busy work in the bar and Sam asks what happened. They talk about L's sexy sex life, his gay romps and his orgy fetish, and Sam says he can't see a lot of that happening in Bon Temps. Sookie says that's just because he's never been invited. Oh, and you have, little miss sexpot? Just because you lost your virginity 15 minutes ago doesn't make you an expert on the swinging scene in Bon Temps. Well, I guess she might know because of her mind reading. But of course, she doesn't want to know about shit like that, so she doesn't. (???)

Sookie and Sam discuss the reasons why L might have come back to Merlottes (to talk to Sookie about his sexy time, to get his paycheque, to meet a sex partner, shit like that). Sookie wonders whether or not L might have been blackmailing someone from the party and they killed him to shut him up. Which is a huge jump from nowhere. Sam shuts that bullshit down, and says that everyone knew that L couldn't keep his mouth shut. Which probably helps with his blowjob skills. So, their discussion ends with Sam saying how much L wanted people to like him/accept him.

This wasn't so bad. Short chapter. Sookie is still a fucktard. All's right in the world.

Overview: Andy gets drunk. Sookie tattles to his sister, who drives him home, and leaves Andy's car in the parking lot of Merlottes. Sookie finds Lafayette dead in Andy's car. Sookie is questioned by the cops and is unhelpful, as usual.

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