Friday, January 20, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 6 - Sookie Swipes the V-Card

So, after the funeral, Sookie takes a few days off, as any normal person would, but she starts tripping out because three days off is far too long. Um, dumbass, your gramma just died. Obviously you don't know how to grieve. Anyhow, Sookie decides to clean out her Gran's room (personally, I would have waited for a while, but then I'm not a heartless bitch like Sookie), and asks her co-worker/friend Arlene to help her. Oh, and we're told that Gran smelled like baby powder and Campho-Phenique. I had to Google that last thing. I guess Gran was a scratcher. Sookie and Arlene pack up Gran's clothes to take to a disaster relief fund, which is mighty charitable of Sookie - this gains my approval. Sookie doesn't want Gran's clothes; all she wants is her jewelry, since it's real. I hate wearing fake necklaces, myself.  The ladies pack the day away, and it's not really all that interesting. We find out Gran never had a credit card and she drove a car. That about sums it up.

It dawns on Sookie that she can take over Gran's room and seems to get a little excited at the thought. She tells Arlene this and Arlene makes a comment that it seems a little soon to do that (I agree, Redhead Arlene), and Sookie makes the excuse that it would be easier to be in Gran's room than her own. Easier? Okay. Anyhow, Arlene leaves after Sookie kisses her goodbye (on the cheek). Sookie eats some funeral food and showers, shaves, and most likely shits. We're told all about her grooming routine (which is pretty normal - plucking, brushing hair), and puts on her sexy Tweety Bird nightie. As she's sitting down to watch some TV, Bill shows up. He's surprised because she's all ready for bed. I dunno, maybe it's just early evening. But if it's nighttime, how come he's surprised?

Bill sits beside her on the couch and starts playing with her hair, and Sookie gets turned on by this. Bill says he used to play with his sister's hair, which seems a bit creepy. He tells Sookie about his previous life, his family, etc. Sookie gets all sad because all of his family died - parents, siblings, wife, kids, the whole ballgame. He tells her to get over it. Then he starts drying Sookie's hair. I have to admit, I'd be a bit turned on by it...any time other than right after my Grandmother, who was basically my mother, died.

Bill starts to get freaky with Sookie, and she sits on his lap facing Bill. They start kissing, and Tweety starts to ride up on Sookie. Sookie points him in the direction of Gran's room and he carries her in there, and strips down. She whips off her nightgown and gets ready for take-off.

Sidebar: Sookie, didn't your grandmother just pass away, and aren't you in what was very recently in her room? Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it seems tres creepy to me. End sidebar.

Sookie whispers to Bill she doesn't want to disappoint him in the sack (being a virgin and all) and Bill says that's not possible. Of course it isn't. Sookie is practically perfect in every way!! Except, you know, in every way. Bill tells her he knows a lot (I bet you do, you vampire slut!). Bill starts to give her the dead bone, and is surprised to find that Sookie is a virgin. Probably because she's such a douche and slutty looking. She begs him not to stop, and he basically says "As if I would even think of stopping, dumbass." He starts pumping away, and Sookie gets down with her bad self. Bill bites her and she's all "Give it to me, baby!!" Okay, just something here - I remember my first time, and it was like being reamed with a friggin watermelon, and my boyfriend at the time wasn't even all I came nowhere close to enjoying it, but I guess when you're Sookie, the first time is going to be amazing and you're going to have an orgasm. I have to wonder whether Harris is a virgin or just forgets her first time, because it was so long ago.

After the explosions of the loins, Sookie apologises for not being better or knowing what to do. Bill says she'll improve (hahahahahahaha, Sookie, you sucked!!). Sookie gets all worried that she'll hurt, and reminds Bill that his blood has healing properties. So he bites his finger and starts fingering her. Then they screw again, because Bill is, of course, so turned on by Sookie, he's ready to do it again immediately. Sexy stuff.

The next day, Sookie goes back to work and is all "I'm a sexy bitch, and I'm the best and most awesome." No, artard, you're not. Jason comes into Merlottes and tells Sookie that he was questioned by the police again. Sookie tells him to get a lawyer. Sookie likes this dude, Sid Matt Lancaster (3 names is so 1993), because he treats her with respect. Not because he's a nice guy or he's a good person, but because he respects her. Punch to the boob.

Sookie is all pissy because Jason is too self-absorbed to notice what she's wearing. Asshole, he was just questioned AGAIN by the police, and is a bit worried about being accused of murder. Forgive him if he doesn't notice that you're wearing a different shirt. Arlene notices and knows that Sookie got fucked, and fucked good. Arlene starts questioning who stuck his dirty stick in Sookie, and Sam interrupts and says it was Bill. Arlene asks why she can't get it from a normal human guy, and Sookie says it's because she can't get a normal human guy. Another waitress says that Bill has a virus (um, he's a vampire, dur). So all the staff at Merlottes know that Sookie had sex with a vampire. They start joking about staking Bill and Sam pulls down the collar of Sookie's shirt (to show Bill's bite marks). Sookie gets all up in Sam's face, even though Sam is talking nicely to her and saying that he's just looking out for her. Sookie storms off and goes back to work. I'm starting to think that Sookie is too stupid to deal with issues and just works so she doesn't have to think about her multiple problems.

Later, Bill comes into the bar and basically pees on Sookie to let everyone know she's his. He tells her to go over to his house after her shift is over. Two vampires come in, I think they're the ones who were at Bill's house. Of course, Harris being Harris, we're subject again to a description of clothing. The guy, Malcolm, is wearing:

a chainmail shirt

and white leather pants.

The girl, Diane, is wearing:
a lime green bodysuit
(please note the sweet-ass camel toe the model is sporting)

and Sookie tries to count her pubic hair through it. I swear, Harris has no freaking idea what people wear, or else she just tries to make everyone's clothes as ugly as possible.

Oh, Diane is also black. This must be important (but I don't think it is).

Malcolm kisses Bill hello, as does Diane. Bill scoots back to Sookie, to show everyone he's not gay or into black women. At least, this is what I assume the reasons are. Diane says it's just great Sookie is still alive (was Bill supposed to kill her?) and Bill says that Sookie might be, but Gran has bit the big one. Diane asks when it will be Sookie's turn to die. I like Diane. Malcolm says to Bill how strange it is that Bon Temps is "losing its unskilled service personnel". I like Malcolm too. Malcolm goes on to say how proud he is to be a vampire and not some pussy-whipped nerd (like Bill, perhaps?), and Cajun Rene tells Malcolm to leave. So they do. I don't know why. They could have kicked everyone's ass in there. But whatevs. They go away.

Sookie goes over to Bill's house, and she notes to herself what a great job she did hiring contractors to fix up Bill's old piece of crap house. They've made a huge awesome bathroom, and Bill makes a comment on how he likes to shower. Ah, what Freud would have to say about that. He has a portable spa...which is a hot tub. Sookie says "It has seats". Fucking duh. Has she never seen a hot tub before? Bill suggests a bath. Sookie says "maybe" but we all know she means "I'm a slut, please take me". Bill asks what she misses most about him when he's not there, and she says his silence. Nice. "I like you because you shut up and I don't have to hear your assinine thoughts." That would make any guy's day. You say penis, Sookie, PENIS!!

Sookie decides to act shy, and Bill says to knock it off, and undress him. She turns into an idiot and forgets how to undo buttons. Maybe this is why Sam or whoever opened the door for you - because you're an artard. Sookie starts twisting his nipples and Bill gets all kinds of turned on. They get into the bath, and Sookie starts soaping Bill up.

Overview:  Sookie is a cold hearted bitch and takes over Gran's room before her body's even cold. Sookie swipes her v-card and gets pounded by Bill. Twice.


  1. I hate how Harris describes the clothes. You are right she has no sense of any type of clothing. I wonder where she came up with all clothing...just eww.

  2. Yeah, you really have to wonder if she thinks these clothes are high fashion. I have to admit - a green spandex bodysuit is a great way to show off your camel toe. If you're into that kind of thing!

  3. I would think that having sex with a vampire wouldn't be pleasant at all. First, their bodies are cold, even their mouths. Second, they bodies are really hard. Third if their bodies are hard, what would an erection feel like? Cold steel. I fail to see how a Vampire would get any pleasure at all. They would have to be gentle so that they human would've break.

  4. I think if you had ever been to Charlaine's town, where she lives you would understand about why she dresses her characters the way she does. I'm from that town so I know how weird they can dress at times....however, I also think she just likes dressing her charcters a bit weird bc well, they are weird
    alicia h.