Monday, January 02, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 4 - Fangtasia, Here We Come!!

It turns out that a lot of people in Bon Temps think Bill had a hand in the murders. Gee, I wonder why - new vampire in town and women start dying. On the other hand, the other people in town kind of think they deserved it for being slutty. Jason is also thrown in as a suspect in the murders, because he fucks anyone and these women fall into anyone category. Sookie shows her douchey side by being happy that Jason is under suspicion because it's the first time he's ever had to worry about something. Great sister, huh? Don't think about the fact that he has a crappy job cutting trees for the city. Be happy that he MIGHT learn about responsibility by being a prime suspect for the murders of two women. Cunt.

Sookie gets ready for her date with Bill, which is to be at the vampire bar in Shreveport. She wonders if she should wear spandex (because you know, it's all the rage in Hickville, Nowhere), but decides on a dress. I don't know why we're always subjected to descriptions of the craptastic clothes that Sookie wears, but it basically boils down to the dress she's wearing make her tits stick out and look great and big. She looks like such a whore that Gran subtly suggests that she put a sweater on to cover her dirty pillows, but she refuses. Because she's trying to get Bill's motor runnin'.

Sookie gets a phone call from Sam to come in and pick up her paycheque. I'm not sure why he has to call her to tell her it's ready. Any job I've ever had, it's been ready on the same day and most places use direct deposit. But I guess it's a small business. Harris does this seemingly to make sure Sookie gets to show off her slut-dress to her co-workers and to emphasise again how desirable Sookie is to Sam. Sookie, being the innocent and sweet girl she is, doesn't understand why Sam leans over and sniffs her neck and pops a boner before she leaves. She seems quite puzzled by it. Artard.

When Sookie gets back home after picking up her cheque, Bill is sitting on the couch and seems disturbed by Sookie's (lack of) clothing. Gran gets pissed off at him for not trying to hump Sookie right in front of her, but Bill sweet talks her and everything is okay. This is kind of funny - Gran tells Bill not to drink too much. I think Gran passed her brains down to Sookie.

As they're driving, Sookie apologises for her outfit, and Bill says it's just too provocative and that he's figuring he's going to have to kill someone at the bar because she's so hot and he has to protect her. Because Sookie's a hot piece of ass. Thank God it keeps getting emphasised, because I don't think I've had to mention it enough thus far in this post.

They get to the bar, and Sookie gets ID'ed by a vamped up vamp. The door vamp says it's just because she can't tell how old humans are anymore. I think Harris is trying to tell us that Sookie is young and beautiful. Which would be out of the ordinary, wouldn't it? When asked by the door vamp why they haven't seen Bill lately, he tells the door vamp that he's mainstreaming, which means he's trying to live among humans.

We're given a quick overview of Fangtasia, the vampire bar. Lots of Dracula shit, red, dark, very spooky. The people in the bar are either fang-bangers or tourists. Fang-bangers dress like they think vamps should dress - capes, fake fangs, fake blood and bite marks on their necks. Then there are the vampires. Strangely, nothing much is said about how they dress. Just that they wear dark clothes.

Bill orders a bottle of fake blood and Sookie orders a gin and tonic (maybe this is considered sophisticated?), and the bartender's fangs come out a bit. That's how vampires show they're horny. Because everyone wants to fuck Sookie. Sookie asks the bartender some questions, and shows him a picture of Maudette and Dawn. She also shows him a picture of Jason. The bartender says he's seen Maudette and Dawn but not Jason. But he makes a comment alluding to the fact that he'd like to take on both Stackhouses. Yeah, I'm sure he's the first to ever think that. The bartender makes a comment on how Dawn wanted to die, because everyone who goes to Fangtasia wants to die, because vampires are death. I think that's Harris's attempt to be dark and poetic.

Sookie and Bill sit down and talk a bit. A fang-banger comes up and tries to tempt Bill into drinking from her instead of a bottle. Sookie gets all jealous and pissy, even though Bill turns the fang-banger down and basically tells her to fuck off. This woman is the first of a handful of people to proposition Bill.

Now, what I find funny is that Sookie seems to have complete disdain for fang-bangers, yet I'd like to really see what's so different about her. I mean, through the series she basically turns away anyone who isn't a vampire, or if she does let them get their dinkies sticky, it doesn't last long. Not the sex (sometimes we're told in detail about it), but the relationships. Whatever. Sookie is a self-deluded fang-banger. Deal with it, right? Right!

After Bill has turned away some weird crying dude from the table, he tells Sookie that a tall blond drink of vampire has been checking her out. He's wearing boots, jeans and a vest. This is apparently hot attire in Shreveport, if not anywhere else. Seriously. This is...Eric.

Yum. Disregarding the aforementioned outfit and thinking purely of Alexander Skarsgard, how delicious is he? Sigh. Sorry, had to wipe the drool off my keyboard. 

Sookie and Bill walk over to Eric and a chick vamp who's sitting with them. They've been telling people to fuck off and leave them alone all night. What are the bets they'll do the same to Sumptuous Sookie? That would be a stupid bet to make. So don't. Eric and Pam (the chick vamp) talk to Sookie for a while, and Bill says she wants to ask some questions (re: Maudette and Dawn). But Pam makes fun of her, assuming she wants to ask the usual questions like do they sleep in coffins, etc. Sookie says those aren't the questions she wants to ask, and Pam, for some reason, is amazed. I have no frickin' idea why she's amazed. Maybe vampires are just as big of morons as the rest of the people in Bon Temps. You'd think not, but they're written pretty stupid sometimes. So she shows Eric the pictures, and he says that Dawn liked pain, and he knows that because he gave it to her. Oh, and Pam says Maudette was pathetic. So, we have two whores, one into S&M and one who will take sex from anyone willing to give it. Those are the end of Sookie's questions. Of course, Eric wants to have Sookie but Bill puts the kibosh on that. 

Sookie and Bill leave Eric's table and Bill tells Sookie that since Eric is older (much older) than Bill, Eric could have had Sookie if he wanted. Sookie is aghast by that assumption, but then again, she's pretty stupid. Sookie makes an unladylike sound (I think it's either a fart or a burp) and kind of yells at Bill for the fact that she had to ask him out (very pro-feminist, loser) and that he hasn't asked her out at all. So Sookie doesn't feel like she has a right to ask him not to go with the fang-bangers for a suck of blood. Bill comes back with the fact that Eric's hotter than him and is amazing at sex (yeah, that's a great way to keep a girl focused on you). But Sookie doesn't want Eric. She wants Bill. So then they're both happy. Bill goes to get more drinks, and Eric tries to glamour Sookie from across the room. Bill gets mad, because didn't Bill just tell Eric that Sookie was his? What an asshole!! But seriously, if Eric has women coming up to him all the time, why would he waste his time on a crappy waitress who seems slightly mentally disabled? (Yes, I do know why, but I can't say anything until I come to that book.)

Once again, Sookie doesn't like the fact that she's been claimed (wow, the feminist side comes out) but Bill says it's to protect her. But somehow, Sookie thinks that she's protecting him. From what? No fucking idea. Maybe from people thinking he's a murderer, but I don't think so. So, after this exchange, Sookie decides to spy on people's brains and pronounces them boring. Because she's such a font of education, culture and excitement. All they're thinking about is sex. But not Sookie. Because she's a virgin. But oh my!! Sookie finds out that one of the tourists is actually an undercover cop, and knows that a vamp is feeding in the bar (illegal). The cop has called for backup already. Bill tells Eric there's about to be a raid on his bar, and Eric wants to know how he could possibly know that. Sookie pipes up and says it's because of her (once again...artard). Seriously, she wants to keep a low profile and this is how she does it? Okay, idiot. She admits to reading the policeman's mind, and Eric finds this delightful. So, Eric and  his posse get away, as do Sookie and Bill. 

Bill pulls his car over into a darkened lot (sexy) and starts to mac on Sookie. Sookie gets all kinds of turned on, and bites Bill. Um, say what? Whatever. He tells her not to do that, because he'll cum all over her. No, that's not what he says, but he puts her hand on his gi-normous boner to show how much he likes it. Then the cops show up. They say the shops are closed (dur) and what the hell are they doing there. They want to see Bill and Sookie's necks to make sure they're not vampires, and since neither of them have bite marks on their necks, they're sent on their way. This is a gem of a line from the book: "And by golly, he shone that old flashlight on my neck and then on Bill's." Seriously. Direct quote. By golly. 

Bill was pretty pissed off that he didn't get Sookie's hand directly on his turgid penis (haha, yeah, I've read a couple of shit-tastic faux-mances in my time), and Sookie is happy that he is mad that she didn't jack him off. Anyhow, they get to Sookie's house and Bill, the proper gentleman he is, boner and all, opens the door for Lady Sookie. Not used to having gallant guys around apparently, Sookie is all confused, because her arms work enough to open doors and she does know how to open doors, bla bla bla. Shut up, you fuck-tard. He's being nice and opening a door for you. Idiot. IDIOT!! Anyways, Sookie leaps to an assumption that Bill doesn't want to kiss her anymore and that he wants Pam instead of her, and whines that she won't ask him out on dates anymore and won't bother him anymore. He kind of calls her a moron. I'm not sure exactly how to put what happens next, but let's just leave it that Sookie's a dildo. 

The chapter ends with Bill kissing Sookie on the forehead and says good night. Sookie thanks him for taking her to Fangtasia, and tell him she won't be calling him anymore (so there, Bill) and runs in the house and slams the door in Bill's face.  

Overview:  Sookie dressses like a slut again. Bill takes Sookie to Fangtasia, a vampire bar in Shreveport. We meet Eric. Maudette is an ex-pathetic slut. Dawn is an ex-slutty slut. Jason is under suspicion for murder, and Sookie likes it. Bill gets boners. And Sookie is fucking stupid.


  1. I'm loving your breakdowns of the chapters ... very funny! I'm also loving that picture of Alexander Skarsgard. I mention him quite often on my blog. :)

  2. Thanks for the comment! Sometimes, I'm worried that my bitchiness goes into pure asshole-ishness, so feel free to call me out on it!!

    Sigh, isn't my boyfriend dreamy? ;-)

  3. "dirty pillows" LOL! That was so funny.
    I also was confused by Sookie when I read this chapter. I've since read the book 2 more times and I'm still confused by her - she wants Bill to ask her out but not to open doors for her and gets mad because he turned down fangbangers. I'm not sure what she wanted him to do about the fangbangers.

    Anyway, Love it!