Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 3 - Another One Bites the Dust

The chapter begins with the phone ringing. These Stackhouses are real bitches about answering the phone. They must hate that new-fangled technology. Anyhow, it's Sam and he wants Sookie to go by Dawn's house (Sam had asked Sookie the other night to fill in for Dawn when she didn't show up...which you would know if you had read my previous blog - and you should because I'm awesome). Sookie's being a lazy bitch and doesn't want to get out of bed. But, as the book states, she never denies Sam anything (whore) so she does it. I really don't think she knows how to say no. Like I said...whore.

Sookie has to yell at Gran because Gran is old ballz and getting deaf. While she's driving to Dawn's, she thinks about how super great Gran is for taking care of her and her slutty brother. We hear about how her aunt passed away and how her cousin might not even know her mother's dead. Blah blah blah. Dead family, sad, Gran shoulders the burden, Sookie is a vamp tramp. Got it.

Sookie finally gets to Dawn's house and bangs on the door, but there's no answer. Dun dun duh!!!!! My favourite Cajun, Cajun Rene, asks Sookie if she needs help. Um...help with what? Knocking on doors? Whatevs. Sookie asks if he's seen Dawn, and he hasn't. Rene goes on to critizise Sam, saying he should be checking up on his own employees, not sending little Sookie, and she gets all pissy and tells him to mind his own fucking business. Sookie decides to peek in the windows and sees cheap furniture. Because, you know, Sookie has antiques and would never be caught dead with lumpy chairs and couches. Whatever, bitch, you think Wal-mart is high class. Really, she does. I think she says it later. But I digress...

She creeps to the back (because she's a creeper) and sees flies crawling all over Dawn's lady parts. Gross. She tells Cajun Rene to call the cops and Sam. A head (don't worry, it's attached to a body) peeks out of a window next door and asks what's shaking. It turns out to be JB du Rone, a super hot guy with the IQ of a pencil.

I just have to say...for a little hick town in Louisiana there is an abundance of hot guys. I'm considering moving there.

So, yeah, JB, instead of using a door like a normal person, crawls out the window to hang out with Sookie. He tells Sookie that Dawn liked to be banged like a screen door - hard and squeeky (squeeky? whatever, this is my blog, and I'll use whatever adjectives I want). Of course, Sookie has no idea what he's talking about because she's so pure and innocent, and JB tells her "You don't want to know". But I'll bet she does...

So JB tells Sookie anyhow - how Dawn liked to get bit and hit. She sounds like a doll. Sookie makes a face (probably because she's turned on) and JB comments on what a nice girl Sookie is and what a dirty whore Dawn was. JB hugs Sookie to comfort her, but spends an inordinate amount of time on her bra and ass area. Doesn't sound like comforting, sounds like sexual harassment. But Sookie likes it and doesn't say anything. JB likes junk in the trunk, and we gather from that comment that Sookie has a nice, tight firm ass (because she's perfect...don't make me tell you again how awesome she is!!).

The cops finally show up, and it's important to know that Kenya (chick) is big and black and Kevin (dude) is scrawny and white. You  just know they're bumping uglies. Sookie tells the cops her story and the cops check it out. While this is going on, JB is standing there with his mouth hanging open.

Yeah, okay, so not the hottest guy out there, but he's a soccer player (bonus points for him) and it's really hard to find a picture of a dude with his mouth hanging open who's decently hot. So you're stuck with this dude.

Nobody's telling  Sookie anything, so she decides to use her super power and listen in on people's thoughts. Kenya is thinking they need to do a good job (wow, someone who is actually wanting to perform her job in a suitable capacity). JB is thinking about how Dawn liked it rough, and of course since Sookie's there, how he'd like to give it rough to Sookie. Damn that Sookie is so fricking desirable. We find out, however, that JB gave it to Dawn and that he knocked her around a bit. But only because she liked it that way. Whatever, dude. There's a dead chick in the near vicinity and you're thinking about giving Sookie a hot beef injection. Asshole.

We're also told that Kevin has slept with Dawn. My, this girl gets around a lot!! You just know she's had sex with Jason as well (probably because it was mentioned before and I didn't feel like writing it down). Cajun Rene wants the body gone...and also hopes nobody knows that he fucked Dawn. Wow. This chick is almost my hero. No standards whatsoever.

Sam comes running over and Sookie goes to read his mind, but Sam blocks her out. Good on you, Sam. We don't want her finding out that you beat the crap out of and screwed Dawn too. (Right now, I don't think he has, but hey, he'd be the only one.) Sookie discovers that Sam is JB and Dawn's landlord because Sam has the key to the front door (so people don't have to peek at Dawn's body through the window anymore).

JB picks this moment to ask Sookie on a date, you know, to take her mind of the dead body she discovered that day. But Sookie, the workaholic that she is, declines because she just knows that Sam will be asking her to pick up Dead Dawn's shifts. How irresponsible of her to get murdered without having someone to cover her shifts first. Douche.

Sam apologizes to Sookie for making her the one to find Dawn's body, but it's all good. Sookie doesn't mind. Harris goes on for a while about Sookie being irresitible to JB and all he can do is follow her around because she's hot and sexy. Sookie considers doing him, because he's hot and she's horny (really? REALLY? she just found a dead body...people are fucked up in this town), but she says no. JB asks if it's because of Vampire Bill, and Sookie asks how he knows about Bill. Apparently, Dawn mentioned something to JB about how Bill would be better off with her, because she likes it rough. Sookie thinks mean thoughts about Dawn. Bitch. She got what she deserved then, didn't she?

Detective Andy Bellefleur comes around to ask Sookie some questions. You get to see how educated and sophisticated Sookie is because she knows Bellefleur means "beautiful flower" in French. Ooo la la. Then she thinks about how stupid that last name is because he's a boy and how can he possibly be a beautiful flower. Retard.

Anyhow, Andy asks about the circumstances of Sookie going there, asking why Sam didn't come himself, asking if Sookie has a relationship with Sam (um, what does that have to do with anything?), if Sookie and Dawn were close, stuff like that. Except Sookie trashes Dawn, telling Andy what a whore she was but saying it nicely (you know, like those bitchy church ladies and how they gossip, but make it seem like they're super nice when all they want to do is hiss and cat-fight), like "Dawn had an active social life...she liked men...she liked to drink...I read a lot and Dawn didn't". Okay, I think I've got it. Sookie is a frigid loser with no social life and sits at home Saturday nights and reads the Bible with Granny, while Dawn lets loose, goes out and flirts (okay, fucks) with a lot of guys. I'm tired of hearing how much Sookie reads. It doesn't seem like it from these books because the books never talk about her actually reading or what she's reading, but I guess if you say it enough times, it makes it true.

By the way, have I told you yet how awesome I am?

Then Andy asks what Sookie did a couple days ago. She tanned, cleaned, and entertained Bill. Remember when she showed him her slip? Yeah...that was hot. So Andy finishes up and tells Sookie to be at the police station in a couple hours to clear up some details. I don't know what more he needs - Sookie showed up and a chick was dead. Sigh. But I guess they might have to do some police work. Sookie gets mad at Andy for not realizing that waitressing is as important as being a brain surgeon and he apologizes. For what, I don't know. You're a waitress, honey. You found a dead body in an apartment where your boss is the landlord. I'm sure he'll understand if you have to take some time off to talk to the police. But no, those people won't feed themselves now, will they?

Sookie keeps reading his mind and giving him shit for stuff he's thinking. I kind of think that's unfair - sometimes you can't help what you think, and honestly, your thoughts are private. That's why they're thoughts and not words. I hate Sookie right now. And through most of the series.

Sookie heads off to work and Terry Bellefleur (Andy's cousin or something) is working. Terry's all fucked up from the war (Vietnam) but Sookie loves him because he's simple and tries hard to be normal. Or something like that. Lafayette (who is a dude) is in the kitchen cooking up grub while rocking fake eyelashes and some heavy-duty makeup. Harris makes sure to point out that this does not bother Sookie, because she's a progressive kind of gal. People ask about Dawn, and she tells them Dawn is dead, just like Maudette.

Sam makes it back to the bar, and they talk about how both girls were strangled, but how both girls had bite marks. Sookie gets mad at the insinuation that Bill might have had something to do with the deaths, so she does what she does best - she works her ass off. Because she found a dead body, people gave her extra tips. So it wasn't all bad.

Sookie's on her way home when she sees Bill creepin' on her driveway. She almost ignores him, but decides to stop. As if he couldn't have just ripped the car door off the car, dumbass. So Sookie tells him how Dawn was murdered and Bill says that Dawn had come to his house one time after Sookie left...the same night all those bastardly vampires were there. Bill tells Sookie that he would have let the vamps eat her alive because, hey, that's just how vampires roll. Don't you get it, sweetheart? Vampires aren't human. Muahahahahahaha!!! Sookie don't like that and wants to hit him. Dumbass. This turns Bill on. So...turns out Dawn isn't the only one who likes it rough. They talk about the 2 murders and Bill says that it wasn't a vampire that killed the women, since they both died by strangulation instead of by being drained of their blood. Bill tells Sookie that there's no way he would have killed the women, because he wants Bon Temps to be his long term home.

Sookie asserts her independence by telling Bill he can never glamour her or force her to do anything, and Bill says he won't. I mean, come on, we all know Sookie's dying to take off her panties and put them in Bill's pocket for later viewing pleasure. Sookie tells Bill about Andy questioning her and Bill gets all pissy when he hears that there are still Bellefleurs in Bon Temps.

The chapter ends by Sookie asking what Bill meant by him telling the other vamps that she belonged to him. He tells her that it means no one else can feed on her and that she's his human. Sookie don't like being property, but suck it up, buttercup. It's better than being dead, isn't it? Sookie and Bill make a date for her next night off. Then he runs away.

Overview:  Dawn is dead and has fucked every dude in Bon Temps who isn't gay. Sam is a wise business man and has property as well as a bar. Sookie is irresistible, even when there's a dead body in the mix. Bon Temps has Bellefleurs.

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