Monday, February 27, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 11 - Elvis Has Not Left the Building; Shape-Shifters and Arrests

Almost done with this book, people!!!

Sookie's pretty much burnt out from all this killing stuff in Bon Temps. She tells her co-workers what happened with Tina (her cat) and they all feel bad for her. Sam thinks she should report it to the police, so she does. I'd love to say something bitchy like "Yeah, they're not busy at all with dealing with the Bon Temps murders or anything" but since one of the murders happened in Sookie's house and then someone hurls a dead cat at her door, it might look like she's being singled out. The sheriff asks Sookie if Bill likes cats. Well, he likes Sookie's cat, purr purr. The cat was strangled (wowzers), and Sookie tells Bud (the sheriff) that they buried the cat already. Bud keeps bringing Bill up and says that they'll probably have to exhume Tina. You know, because of all the DNA the killer would have left on the cat that he didn't leave on the bodies. 

Bud leaves, and Sookie vents a bit to Sam, saying what a douche he is, and that Bud uses big words instead of dumbing it down like Sookie would prefer. Once the venting is done, Sookie goes back to work. She is so damned dedicated to servicing people. She walks out of Sam's office, making sure that she doesn't turn him on. Because she stretched in front of him, and Sam, of course, was drooling while she did so. Sam must be really hard up, if someone stretching in front of him makes him all hard.

Arlene asks Sookie to look after her kids again, and this means Arlene is apologising to Sookie. Apologising for what? Being concerned for her children? But nobody should make Sookie angry. I think she believes it's a law in Bon Temps. Sookie agrees to look after the kids.

We are again subjected to hearing how little fashion sense Sookie has, because she puts on:

a blue and green knit short set 
(this is a skirt set, but I couldn't find any short sets for adults - which says a lot)

and a banana clip 
(this is the collection I imagine Sookie has)

Gorgeous!!! Cajun Rene drops the kids, Coby (8) and Lisa (5) off at Sookie's place, and they just adore their Auntie Sookie. Who doesn't? Sookie knows Rene likes the kids, and so that earns him a big kudos with her. Rene leaves, and Sookie gives the kids ice cream (which is probably the only reason they like her). I would wait until the kids were ready to go back home before loading them with sugar, but then I'm a real aunt, and I don't want to have to deal with sugar high kids. Sookie tells the kids that Bill is coming over, and she gets grilled by a 5 year old girl. Like does she get flowers (no) and are they getting married (um, no, because humans and vampires can't get married - kind of like how gay people can't get married to each other in the US, which I don't understand but that's a whole other kettle of fish). Bill comes over, and Lisa gives him shit for not sending her flowers. Yeah, he only saves her life. But you know, flowers are more important than that. I know a 5 year old wouldn't know that shit, but Sookie acts a bit put out that she's never gotten flowers or shit from Bill. Flowers or your life, dumbass. You decide. Bill kind of gets along with the kids, and babysitting goes swimmingly. Arlene and Rene come to pick up the kids. Rene and Bill are talking (Arlene and Sookie must be standing there staring at each other, not saying anything), when a new vamp comes up. You'll never guess who it is. It's Elvis! But they call him Bubba, because he's all fucked up from the drugs in  his system when he was changed and apparently doesn't like to be reminded of who he is. Or at least, that's what Harris tells you. Turns out, Bubba has a bit of a taste for cat blood. He would have liked Tina, I'm sure. Oh, and Sookie calls Elvis Mr. Social Skills. Ya, again, pot meet kettle. Rene and Arlene are halfway out the door, but then Rene notices who the new person is, and alerts Arlene. But that's about it; they drive off.

Elvis Bubba is there because Bill has asked him to look after Sookie. Bill has to get the fuck out of Dodge for a while, but he doesn't want to leave Sookie alone. Sookie gets pissed off at this, because she's perfectly able to look after herself. Um, no, she's not. Bill apologises (you know, because of that Sookie law) but says this will make him feel better about leaving. That placates Sookie, and asks where Bill's going. Turns out he's off to the Big Easy, and Sookie is jealous. Bill leaves and Sookie worries that Bubba is the one she should be concerned about. Why? No reason. Just because that's the way her left-behind brain works.

At work the next day, Arlene asks why Bubba was there. Sookie tells him it's because Bubba is her new bodyguard. Arlene talks about Elvis for a while, and Sookie blows it off. I don't know about the rest of the world, but if Vampire Elvis was looking after me, I'd be pretty psyched. Arlene says something about the cat blood thing, and Sookie tells her it was a joke. Funny. Arlene mentions how nice Rene was to Bill, and Sookie gets all up in her face. Arlene says it's because Rene has a problem with vamps. His sister dated a vamp for a while, and he didn't like it at all, but he's good with the sister, Cindy, now. Sam, who has been listening in, says maybe Cindy should quit her job at a hospital to work at Merlotte's with Arlene and Super Sookie. Turns out people are quitting their shitty jobs because that's who's been getting targeted for murder. Sookie calls herself and Arlene barmaids. Really? Barmaid? Until this book, I'd never heard of a waitress being called that. Who the fuck would call someone that? Is it a popular American term? Whatevs.

Sam asks Sookie to go through previous applications in Sam's office and so she does. She organises the piles, and has a special pile for people she hates - I'm sorry, but just because someone doesn't treat you like your shit doesn't stink doesn't mean they're not qualified to work in a bar, asshole. Oh, and a pile for dead people. Maudette had previously applied to work at Merlotte's. She must have been too pitiful to gain employment there. Harris makes sure to point out that Maudette can't write well or fill in blanks. Because she's stupid. Much stupider than Sookie. Maudette's stupidity makes Sookie feel bad, which is not allowed (may be an offset of the "Not Hurting Sookie's Feelings" law). Sookie goes from thinking about Idiot Maudette to Idiot Jason, and how she hasn't seen him since he took Desiree away in his truck, and how it sucked that he was such a slut who fucked everyone. Sookie starts breaking shit down.

Maudette and Dawn were both bitten by vamps. Dawn loved to fuck, and Maudette...who knows? I'm thinking yes, because she seems the type. Then she figures out that Jason isn't the only one who knew both chicks. Sam does too. Um, Sookie? Artard? Yeah, you live in a small town. I'm sure that both of them knew lots of the same people. I want to give her a haymaker in the baby maker. So Sam gets added to Sookie's list of murder suspects, because he doesn't like vampires too. Hard evidence, Sook. Way to go. Anywho, Sam comes in and Sookie points out a chick that might be okay to work there, Amy Burley. She tries to read Sam's mind, but it doesn't go very well. She gets all suspicious, and Sam can tell she's acting like a fucktard. 

Sookie gets back to work, and she can tell Arlene and Sam are talking about her. Dur. She's got a lot to talk about. Maybe they're talking about how great she is. I doubt it, but maybe. Sookie goes home after her shift and calls Jason, but he's not home. She calls Merlotte's (wasn't she just there?) and Terry tells her that he hasn't been there either. Then Sookie thinks about Sam. Then she thinks about Bubba. Then she tries to read a couple books, but because I think she may be a bit illiterate, she puts them all down. She can't watch TV because she's a bit of a moron, and then tries to read a magazine (see books and illiterate) and then throws it. So she kind of runs around her house, doing nothing. Her phone rings, and it's Terry, telling Sookie that Jason's in the bar now. In order to go to the bar, Sookie puts on a denim skirt and a yellow t-shirt. Why are we told in detail about what she wears? I think it's to emphasise that Charlaine Harris has no idea what is in fashion and to make sure we know that Sookie shops at Wal-Mart. Which comes through loud and clear, thanks!!

Sookie hits the bar in her stylin' clothes, and asks Terry where Jason is. Terry says he told her already she hasn't seen Jason in the bar, and Sookie gets confused. And leaves. Um, do you think this could have been a way for someone to get you out of your house, dumbass? Sigh. The thing is - Harris never explains who or what called Sookie to get out of her house. Because shit like that doesn't matter.

 Simple Sookie goes outside and sees a dog, and starts talking to it. Because Sookie is an animal lover extraordinaire, she takes the dog home and tells him to make sure he pees outside. The dog, she can tell, understands. She also tells the dog that someone will eat him if he doesn't run inside the house right away. So, don't pee or shit in the house, do it outside, but don't go outside because Bubba will eat you. (Rolling eyes in accepting confusion.) She tries to name the dog, but can't even tell if it's a boy or girl. She comes up with some original names (Rover) but gives up almost immediately. She gives the dog cat food (it's a dog, dumbass) and taco meat. Sookie? You don't want the dog to shit in your house, but you give him food that's almost guaranteed to give him diarrhea? Anyhow, she decides to call the dog Dean. The dog turns out to be a complete perv, watching Sookie strip and get ready for a shower. She explains to the dog that this is how people get clean. Really? I'm sure the dog, even if a dog could understand people talk (and the dog gets explained later and this turns even creepier), really gives a shit if you're taking a shower or not. Once Sookie's done and in bed, Dean gets up on the bed and gets ready to sleep. Sookie kicks the dog onto the floor and then starts falling asleep. And then the dog jumps up on the bed again. 

In the morning, Sookie's all stretchy and happy that the dog was sleeping there with her...BUT WAIT!! Dean isn't a dog - Dean is Sam. What the fuck? Sookie doesn't even get that freaked out that Sam's a shape shifter. She's more pissed that Sam watched her get changed. Turns out that Sam was worried that Sookie would be alone and thought he'd look after her. Sam explains the shape shifting thing to Sookie - he has to turn at the full moon, but he can change anytime. He has to change into the last thing he sees. All this information makes Sookie puke. Why? Who the fuck knows. But the fact that she has sex with a dead person is fine with her. Okay.

Sookie gets herself together and Sam and Sookie talk about things Bubba, Bill, vampires, cryogenics (I have no idea why, maybe so that Harris can point out that she knows about cryogenics). Oh, this whole time, Sam has been naked. So Sookie goes and gets some of Jason's clothes for him. Wouldn't that be a bit distracting? Anyhow, Sam doesn't need Jason's clothes because Andy's driving up the driveway and Sam turns into Dean again. Another chick has been murdered, and Andy wants to know where Sookie and Bill were the night before. The chick murdered? Amy Burley. She worked at a competing bar. Sookie pulls this out of Andy's mind, and he wonders how she knew that. She's all "Andy, fuck off, you know I can read your mind" and he lets it go. Amy was murdered in the same way that the other sluts ladies were killed. Andy asks if Sookie has seen Jason, and she says no. Andy's pretty tired, and Sookie says he can lay down in her spare room. What? Okay, so I've never been interviewed by a cop, but I don't think it would be okay for me to ask a police officer if he wants to take a nap in my house. I mean, he could go home or go to the police station and crash for a few hours. But okay. So Sookie takes him into her old room and lays him down, giving him a bit of a rub and tug before he sleeps. Haha, just kidding. We all know she wouldn't fuck Andy, because he's just an ordinary human, and that's not who Sookie goes for. 

She tells Sam to get dressed, and he does. Then he comes up behind her and starts rubbing her shoulder. Whooooooo sexy!! There's nothing like a good rubbing of the shoulder. Not even a massage, Sam? Slacker. Sookie starts tripping on him because he hasn't told her about the whole shape shifter thing the whole time they've known each other. Um, have you told Sam about your little mind-reading trick? Anyhow, Sookie drives Sam back to Merlotte's. Jason's truck is parked in the employee parking, and Sookie's all "Why is Jason's truck here?" She looks in and Jason's passed out, all stained (cum stained?) and there's a tape on the dashboard. Sookie tells Sam to call an ambulance, and Sam tells her to reconsider. But Arlene shows up, so Sam goes into his trailer to call the ambulance. Sookie goes to the hospital with Jason, but goes home to wait until Jason regains consciousness. When she gets home, she sees that Andy has left, and that Andy, being the nice guy he is, waited at the hospital until Sookie left in order to handcuff Jason to his bed.

Overview: Elvis is a vampire. Bill heads off to New Orleans. Sam is a shape shifter. Sookie sees Sam naked. Sam sees Sookie naked. Sookie shares her bed with Andy (but don't worry, it's her old bed and she's not in it). Jason gets arrested.

One more chapter left, people!! Aren't you just dying to know who the murderer is??!! And for me to delve into the next book??

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