Sunday, March 11, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 12 - Final Chapter: The Murderer Is Revealed!!!

So, we found out last chapter that Jason is about to be arrested for the Bon Temps murders. Sam calls Sookie the next morning to let her know when the arrest is going to take place. She's weeping (as any decent sister would be). Sookie tells us she's normally worried about how she looks when she cries. I don't know about anyone else, but outside of movies and TV, I've never seen a pretty crier.  This is my absolute favourite crying picture, and I imagine we all look this horrible:

(I love you, Dawson!!)

but according to the small and silver screen, people are supposed to cry like this:

Ya, ok. All this to say - I don't think anyone looks hot crying. Not when they're really crying. Sookie is concerned about multiple things: her brother, the newly murdered girl (Amy), the stupid police, but her biggest concern is how much she misses Bill. She's such a caring and wonderful person. 

Sookie calls the hotel where Bill is, and leaves a message for Bill telling him that Jason is arrested and she wants him home asap. Then, after making a perfectly selfish phone call, she calls a lawyer for Jason. Maybe I'm crazy - God knows I'm no Crazy Sookie, but I would have personally called a lawyer for my sister as soon as I knew about the pending arrest and not have worried about how lonely and unfucked I had been of late. But then, I'm not a completely selfish bitch (I don't think...others may disagree).

Sookie heads to the hospital, and calls Andy a coward when he doesn't run up and start talking to her and instead walks in the opposite direction. Um, bitch? Yeah, he doesn't have to answer you. Evidence (though circumstantial) pointed in the direction of Jason, and he was arrested. Not charged, arrested. He does not have to fucking comfort or talk to you. Since the hospital won't let Sookie sit with Jason until he wakes up, she goes back home. Does she not have a phone? Whatever, I would probably do the same thing. But then she goes home. I would have hung out in the lobby after speaking with doctors to see if my sibling was expected to wake up any time soon. What a fucktard.

Sookie goes home and thinks about how much Gran's inconvenient murder has screwed up her life's equilibrium. She's pissed off at the police for thinking Jason could have killed her Gran, and wonders what kind of shitty place the world is if the police could consider that. I'm sorry to tell you, honey, but horrible and unthinkable things like this happen. Parents torture and kill their children. Children torture and kill their parents. Siblings kill each other. Strangers kill each other. Maybe they don't get the news channels in Bon Temps. Sookie then wonders what would have happened if she'd have just cleaned up and hidden criminal evidence so that Jason wouldn't be in the situation he is now. She's also wondering why no one has called to comfort her, seeing as her brother is unconscious and about to get arrested in the prison. What a bunch of assholes. I'm sure what happens to Sookie is front page news in Bon Temps, and she should be first priority for everyone.

Later in the afternoon, Sid Matt Lancaster (SML, for future reference) goes over to Sookie's and tells her that Jason's been arrested on first degree murder charges. SML gives Sookie  details about Jason's sex life, and the most recent fucking report from Jason about Amy. Amy was acting weird the night that she picked up Jason, and can't remember anything after having sex with Amy then having a drink afterwards. Sookie is certain that Jason has been set up. SML agrees. Sookie says that even though she can see Jason killing all those fang banging sluts, she doesn't believe he'd ever hurt Gran. 

SML throws out some scenarios to Sookie, asking if perhaps Jason killed those women, is it possible that Bill killed Gran because Gran was a cockblock. Sookie says no, that Gran would have happily joined them in a threeway, if the opportunity ever came up. SML is a bit disgusted by Gran being okay with Sookie dating a vampire, and would be "appalled" if his daughter ever dated a vampire. She starts to bitch SML out, as she does anyone who doesn't love vampires, and because she's always right about every situation. Really, she is. Maybe excepting the clothes she wears and things are hot. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING BANANA CLIPS, GIRL!! Anyways, Sookie lets a hint that she can read minds drop, and bla bla bla. SML doesn't ask her to listen in on other people's minds, which I think is pretty stupid. Though I would have been doing that right from the beginning, if it meant it would have cleared my sister from murder charges. But then, that's just the way I roll.

Sookie points out the fact that all the evidence against Jason is circumstantial, and SML comes back with the fact that Jason is the last person to see most of the women, that there are sex tapes of him with each dead woman (well, except Gran) and that the dates and times of the tapes have him having sex with each woman before she died (again, except Gran). Sookie goes on to say that Jason doesn't drink much and that Amy must have ruffied him because she was pissed off and because all the women want "to date Jason". She uses a big word, euphemism, and SML looks surprised. Ya, because you're half an artard, you artard. The use of the word is completely unnecessary, and is put in to make Sookie look smarter. Well, you fail, Harris. You fail. Sookie goes on to theorize that another man did this to Jason, someone who knows him and his sex schedule and his tape fetish. SML tells Sookie that Jason might not be eligible for bail, and Sookie's panties (if she's wearing any...she probably is since Bill's not in town, and they're probably big white granny panties) get in a huge knot. Dipshit, he was charged with murder. You don't automatically get bail granted. Fuck. Seriously.  

SML tells Sookie that Jason doesn't want her to go see him. She wells up again and demands to know why. It's because Jason's all ashamed of the way he's accused of rape and murder. SML leaves, his jowls all a-tremble. You know, because he's fat. And fat people have to be pointed out as much as the fact that Sookie is a ball of sexy sex. After SML leaves, Sookie puts some bottled blood out for Bubba, and his crazy eyes scare Sook. They talk a bit, and Bubba asks Sookie where all the cats are because he's tired of shitty bottled blood. Sookie orders him not to chew on any pussy while Bill's not there to look after Sookie or Bubba. Then Bubba asks if he can take a bite of the dog. Since the dog = Sam, she puts the kibosh on that. Sookie goes back inside and proceeds to be a whiny little bitch. Brother a murdering sex maniac, absentee boyfriend, dead gramma, bla bla bla. I wish I could feel sorry for her, but I just can't. Sookie keeps moping then hears that Bubba's yelling at someone. That someone was lurking around Sookie's yard. Maybe he was a peeping tom. I'm surprised Sookie doesn't have a stalker. This lurker dude was in a pick up. Sookie gets all wet that Bubba saved her. You know that she wants some of that sweet, sweet Elvis love. 

The next day, Jason's out on bail, and it was very expensive to bail him out. Sookie signs away all of Jason's possessions to get the bail money. Bitch. Whatevs. Jason comes out and says he doesn't really want to see or speak to Sookie, but Sookie doesn't care, and goes on to say she never thought he killed anyone, etc. etc. Then she ditches him and goes to the bar. This time, it's not to have everyone swoon and drool over her. It's to read some minds. I think she's been slack about that little task. She does some tasks after coming up with nothing and after Sam calls her creepy. Bravo, Sam!! Then she heads home and puts on...shorts and a Garth Brooks t-shirt. Why oh why do we have to know this? I dunno - to reinforce that Sookie (and by extension Harris) have no idea what is new in pop culture. The book was written in 2001. Garth Brooks was popular...when? 1992? 1993? I don't know when his last relevant CD came out, and I don't really care. She's getting ready for bed, when her sixth sense goes off. Um, I thought she was a mind reader, not a psychic. I guess she's both. It's super creepy quiet, and Bubba doesn't answer her when she calls for him. She also finds out that her phone is dead. She goes around the house and turns the lights off, and wonders how she can get outside. Why doesn't she stay in the house? I'm sure she knows it better than a stranger would, and in an old house, there'd have to be some kick ass hiding spots. Grab a knife and cower, woman! So yeah, she grabs a knife (just what I would have done!!) and goes to get her dad's old rifle. It's gone!! She tries to think of who has been in the house and who could have stolen the rifle. All the while doing her hair up in a ponytail. Um, who cares that she is putting her hair in a ponytail? You do!!

She duckwalks out of the back door. Now, I just had to put this video in. I laughed so hard, and could totally see artard Sookie doing this:

Awesome!! And oh, she's worried that it's Jason, since he's the most likely one to know where the rifle was kept. Sookie's trying to sneak out to the woods, and being the slick wonder she is, she trips over a stump. It hurts her bla bla bla. But she's amazing and keeps going.  She hears/feels something (not physically feels, but emotionally and psychic-ly feels) and makes a run for the woods. She does some gymnastics bullshit and pulls herself up a tree. Fuck, she is AWESOME!! Someone walks under the tree she's hiding in, and she waits for him to go away. Then she gets out of the tree. I would have stayed in the tree. Or the house. But whatever. I'm chicken, I admit it. Don't show up to a gunfight with a knife, I always say. So Sookie's walking around and finds a dead cat and an unconscious Bubba, and figures out someone fed a ruffied cat to Bubba. 

Sookie hears dry leaves crackle behind her and she tries to read the person's mind, but it's all red hot rage. She sees Mr. X killing all the girls, but also of Arlene's kids, herself all slutty, shit like that. Then she figures out - Mr. X is Cajun Rene! And Sookie's all upset that Rene sees her as a whore. Darling, he's not the only one. Sookie runs into the cemetery (has this bitch never seen a horror movie?) and Rene follows. Sookie yells at Rene and by listening to his thoughts, she finds out that Rene's sister, Cindy, is the first person Rene killed. Rene thought Cindy was a whore and that being a blood fountain for a vampire was the worst thing anyone could ever do. 

While she's invading Rene's thoughts, he comes up and starts beating the shit out of Sookie, breaking her nose and generally pounding her (not the way Bill does, though). But Sookie is so amazing that she fights back, but not very well. Rene breaks Sookie's collarbone (I kinda wanna hug him right now), but because Sookie is such a vamp blood drinking whore, she's tough as nails. They continue to fight until Rene is on top of Sookie (just the way she likes it) and Rene tries to strangle Sookie. Sookie somehow grabs Rene's work knife and she stabs him with it. What happened to her knife? I guess we'll never know. So now Rene's all pissed off that Sookie injured him with his own knife and crawls around. Sookie watches Rene bleed and crawl, then goes to Bill's house and calls the ambulance. She wakes up in a hospital and Andy's there with her. He tells her that they got Rene. Kevin (another cop) is in the room, and they both tell her what a tuff bitch she is. The cops went out to get Rene, who was still alive,  in the cemetery and of course, he confessed to everything. Because that's the way life works out. Sookie tells Andy the whole story, and after telling the story, a stream of people come in and tell Sookie how awesome and tuff she is. JB comes in and starts hitting on Sookie's doctor. She is a bitch and thinks about how good it is that the doctor is smart, because it might make up for some of JB's stupidity. Nice. Jason comes in and apologises. For what? For being Rene's friend. Um, yeah, like you knew he was a psycho killer. Then Arlene comes in and apologises. For dating a psycho killer. Sigh. Really? And Sookie gets pissed off that Arlene is there. Because she's a cunt (Sookie, not Arlene). So yeah, all these people come in and visit her, because she's Sookie, bla bla bla. She gets all kinds of flowers and shit, but none of it matters because Bill is still not around. Maybe he found someone better (he didn't).  Bill finally comes that night - but only in her dreams. She dreams about his gravestone (romantic) and then wakes up choking on Bill's big cock. Not really. But she does wake up and Bill's there. After he sees the damage Cajun Rene did, he wants to go kill Rene. But he doesn't. They shoot the shit for a while, and Bill offers to give Sookie his blood to help her heal faster. But because Sookie's into pain, she refuses. Bill tells Sookie what he was up to in New Orleans, and he was running for some office, so yay. Bill and Sookie talk about more boring shit, and what the hell? Who let a dog in the hospital??!! I guess Sam's not allowed in the hospital, so he comes as a dog. Sookie also sees Eric flying around, spying in the window. The book ends by Bill saying that everything will be back to normal, and Sookie whispering "Yeah. Back to normal." She whispers, because it's dramatic don't you know?

Overview: Jason is arrested for the murders then gets out on bail. Sookie pretends she's a lawyer and I think is deluded enough to think she knows as much as a lawyer, even though she's never gone any higher education-wise than high school. Rene sneaks around the house, is revealed as the slut killer and tries to kill Sookie, but only beats the shit out of her. Boo.



  1. Sookie does know as much as a lawyer, if not more. She's self-educated through reading romance and mystery novels. Duh! Lol.
    Loved it and I will continue to read. I had a blast.

  2. Enjoyed all your commentary, and it was only you and my OCD of having to finish every book I start that got me thru this one. I seriously think this was meant to be a childrens book... It's just awful. Snookie is an idiot, and I don't think Bill ever used a word with more than one syllable. TV show is great, this book was terrible. It has to be a kids book, nobody is this stupid.

    1. Haha, thanks!! They get worse as they go along. Sometimes I get so fucking confused about who or what Harris is talking about, figure I must have misread or just don't remember something she wrote in a previous book, but I think she just makes shit up and then pretends that the material has been covered before.