Friday, January 27, 2012

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 7 - Dirty Uncles, Sex (not with dirty uncles), Murder, Fires...then more Sex

This chapter starts out in bed, because now Sookie is a nympho. Bill has flowered sheets and flowered wallpaper. You know, because vampires are so...flowery. Bill and Sookie had been on a date earlier in the evening (before knocking boots), and went to a movie. Bill likes sci-fi. Because aliens are apparently very similar to vampires. I don't know how - but Bill gets really pissed because aliens are portrayed as killing machines. Maybe because both vampires and aliens are stereotyped as killing machines? Let's say yes.

So Bill's staring at Sookie, because she's so beautiful. They are talking about lots of stuff, like the movie, and then about childhoods. Bill asks if Sookie every played doctor with Jason...ew. Friggin' inbreds. Sookie says no and Bill says she must have played "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" with someone, and Sookie tells him to fuck off. Bill pushes it, and it turns out that Sookie was molested by an uncle. She tells him that it started when she was young, and it never went as far as intercourse, but he did other sorts of things, and the worst thing was that she would read his mind and know what he wanted and what he was thinking. I have absolutely nothing bitchy to say about this, because child molestation is nothing to belittle. Sorry.

Anyhow, turns out that Sookie told her mom, and her mom called her a dirty little slut, and thought she was making it up. She also wondered how her mom and dad could possibly be together and be happy. Sounds like Mrs. Stackhouse was a cunt, and Mr. Stackhouse was an angel. Sookie also told her father what happened but much later, right before he died. The Dirty Uncle (DU) lives in Shreveport, and used to visit on a regular basis, until Sookie told Gran and Gran told him to never darken their door again. Turns out DU had tried some funny stuff on Sookie's aunt, but Gran repressed those memories (yeah, because that's healthy, must run in the family). Sookie cries (her first normal reaction thus far?) and Bill asks her to stay the night. Sookie wants to go to sleep, but Bill wants some action before he lets her sleep. Child molestation, I guess, gets their engines revving. Disturbing. I don't think I'd be in the mood to have sex after I told someone my deepest darkest secret of an uncle touching me. I think I'd have the opposite reaction. Thankfully, I don't have to ever deal with that situation.

The next morning, Sookie starts having doubts about their relationship. Bill will never be able to brunch with her (I can't see Bon Temps having a thriving brunch crowd), she'll never be able to hang out with him in the sun, she'll never get pregnant, never ask him to pick up shit from the grocery store, never go to church. We get this tidbit - Sookie brushes her teeth. Good for her. I think anyone with half-decent hygiene does that, but she does it better than you or I could ever dream of doing. Then she reminisces about how great in bed Bill is, so that makes up for everything. That plus now that she's Bill's girl, no one will fuck with her.

Sookie finally leaves Bill's house and Jason is there waiting for her. He asks her if Bill was the one to bust her cherry and she says yes. I don't think my sister ever asked me who my first was, and I never asked her. Sookie affirms that Bill treats her well, then Jason tells her that Uncle Bartlett (DU) was killed the night before. Hmmmmm...right after Sookie told Bill that she got diddled by her. Quite the coincidence, no?

Sookie replies by saying she hopes DU burns in hell, and Jason says that's not nice. Sookie says that he never tried to dirty up with Jason, and he says no, it was only ever Sookie, and she says "Bullshit" (really, she swears!) and that he tried to get it on with their aunt. Sookie goes on to say that Gran knew about everything, but wasn't sure if it was just girls that DU was into. Jason tells Sookie that he's kept in touch with DU (I sure as fuck wouldn't be all friendly with the pervert who molested my sister), and he says that DU was all lamed up and harmless. Sookie makes a snide remark about a walker slowing him down from chasing children, and Jason tells Sookie to get over it. Um, what? What the fuck? Really? "Oh, jeez, you got molested as a child and fucked you royally up about relationships, but you're an adult now and he's not into you. Get over it." What a fucktard.  So a burglar broke in and threw DU down the stairs.

It takes all day for Sookie to figure out that Bill may have had something to do with DU's death. It took me reading that he died to figure that shit out. Sookie is one slow motherfucker. She doesn't know if Bill did it himself or if Bill paid someone to do it, but she freaks out. He killed the Rattys, why wouldn't he kill DU? They both hurt Sookie, and nobody hurts Sookie.

So, Sookie goes home and sits in the dark like a freak. Bill comes over and Sookie confronts him, saying he shouldn't have killed DU, and that he can't hurt everyone who's ever hurt Sookie. Bill tells Sookie he loves her (of course he does) and Sookie questions it. They talk about the Rattys and Sookie says to stop fucking with her life. It's a big deal that she calls him honey, I guess, because...well, I don't know why. Sookie tells Bill she loves him too, but they're not going to grow old together because he'll never get old (fucking duh, you knew that when you met him). Sookie tells Bill she needs time to process everything that's going on (fair statement), and tells Bill to go back to doing whatever he was doing before he met her. He says okay, but only if she stays home and doesn't let anyone else fuck her. She says she won't. You know, because she's pure and amazing, and lovely and special. I would have told him to mind his own god-damned business. They kiss goodbye and they both want to screw, and Bill says "I want to throw you back on the porch and fuck you till you faint." That Bill is so romantic...what a way with words he has!!

So Sookie goes on with her life, without Bill and without Gran. She's worried about the murderer, which is legit. DU left Sookie some money and she donated it to a charity that dealt with molestation. Sookie takes lots of vitamins and eats healthy because she's a blood giving whore. Oh, and she eats lots of garlic. I think it's to make sure no guy wants her because she's so stanky, but she says it's because Bill hates garlic. She observes that nobody likes Diane (camel toe), Liam and Malcolm because they go to bars and offend the rednecks in the area. After reading some minds, Sookie discovers that those three vamps are likely to get a good burning up from some of the local yokels. Sookie tries to figure out who started the idea, but she can't because she's dumb. People still think that vampires killed all those women, but the murders are just an excuse to kill the bad vamps.

One night, Bill comes into the bar with a kid from Minneapolis, Harlan. Sookie and Harlan chat about how he's on vacation, and Sookie smiles like an artard the whole time. Bill asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says she's all good. Harlan wants to visit Malcolm because he's legend...wait for it...dary. LEGENDARY!! (I love Barney Stinson, btw.) Sookie tells them that nobody likes those bastard vampires and stalks away.

Jason comes into the bar and is still upset that Sookie isn't crying in someone's beer about pervy DU. Sookie reads his mind and sees that he's looking to hook up with another whore woman that night. The guys who want to burn the vamps drink on and Sookie worries that it's gone beyond angry bullshit and into actual action. They start standing instead of sitting, which was all know was how the civil war started (I'm Canadian - I can say that because...I have no idea how the civil war actually started, but I assume it started because someone was standing). Oh, and these guys are all macho...and order margaritas. I have a great picture of my uncle drinking a strawberry dacquri and the rest of us drinking big ass beers. He's a man's man. I love that picture!! Anyhow, so it's all mob mentality up in Merlottes. Sookie calls Bill to warn him but gets his answering machine.

The next morning, Sookie gets a phone call and it's Jason telling her that the vampires' house got burned (not Bill's but the bad-ass vamps). Jason is the bearer of all kinds of good news in the mornings, isn't he? Sookie runs over to Malcolm's house and people are looking around, and Sookie's freaked out that Bill is in one of the coffins - because there's 4 coffins, not just 3. Hey, artard, remember that Harlan was visiting them? So that's why there's fucking 4 coffins. Needless to say, this doesn't occur to Sookie, even though a 3 year old could figure out why there were 4 coffins. There was a human body among the coffins and the burnt house. Sam is there, and Sookie asks why. He says he's there for her. So Sookie starts worrying about Bill and Sam says there's nothing she can do until nightfall to find out if Bill is ok. The firemen and policemen start being dicks about the vampires being crispy-fried and Sookie kicks one of them. Which is perfectly normal, I kick firemen all the time. Sam takes Sookie home and tells her to clean her dirty house. Sam starts washing curtains (I don't think I've ever washed curtains, but then again, I haven't had curtains for a long time- do you wash curtains?) and Sookie starts cleaning, and Sam gets rid of cobwebs (what a dirty fricking house - I don't have any cobwebs...I don't think). We get a vivid description of both of them cleaning the house, because shit like that is important - fuck no, it's not!! They clean until it's dark and Sam gets out. What a cunt that Sookie is - at least feed the boy, he's been your bitch all day! So Sam leaves and Sookie runs out in the rain in her dress to see Bill, her hair against her skull (sexy) and her denim sleeveless dress plastered on her body. I can't find a picture of someone wearing a denim dress in the rain, probably because it's got to be the worst feeling ever. I mean, wet jeans suck - I wore jeans all over Dublin and dude, it rains there ALL THE TIME!! By the time we got back to my friend's place, it felt so gross. Anyhow, enough about me. So Sookie goes over to Bill's and starts yelling "Bill!!! Bill!!! Bill, I love you so, I always will..." Okay, she doesn't sing, but I can see her skreeching for him in my mind. Bill asks her what the fuck is up, and Sookie says "Oh, you're all nakkie..." Yeah, Bill's going to wear clothes when he buries himself in the ground. Duh. Whatever. So Sookie tells Bill about the burned house and he gets all sorts of pissed off and vengeance-y. Then he and Sookie fuck. Sookie comes and Bill comes right after. This happens all suddenly to Sookie. Bill starts licking where he bit Sookie. These are important details. I have to wonder if Harris has ever been laid...

Bill has to carry Sookie inside because he's such a damned good lover that Sookie can't walk. Sookie tells Bill that she cleaned her house all day. Bill asks Sookie if she can read Sam's mind, and she says no. This is while Bill is washing Sookie up. Because she's a dirty, dirty girl. Sookie falls asleep after Bill dries her off. Sookie wakes up and is freaked out because Bill is walking around. In his own house. Like he owns the god-damned thing. Turns out, Bill's a little worried that the arsonists might target him, which makes sense. Sookie tells him to sleep at her house, and he says no. He also tells Sookie to run along to Sam if he dies.  Then he tells Sookie he wants to fuck again. She moans "Honey,  honey, ooooohhhh, honey." I've never called anyone honey. Is this a Louisiana thing? I dunno. Maybe. Then when Bill comes, he bites her again, and she asks if he has to do that to come. He says it just makes it more intense. Oh, and because Sookie tastes so fine, like sweet cherry wine. Okay, he doesn't say the cherry wine thing, but whatevs. Then Sookie rolls Bill over and gets on top of him, saying she doesn't know what she's doing. Ya, I'm sure you've never seen anyone do it with a woman on top. You just know she watches S&M porn. She just follows her instincts. Her slutty, slutty instincts. Then the chapter's done.

Overview:  Bill asks Sookie if Jason ever showed her his dirty bits, and vice versa (no). Sookie was molested as a child. Sookie and Bill fuck after this revelation. Bill kills the pervert uncle who did it. Sookie breaks up with Bill. Malcolm et al's house gets burnt down. Sookie thinks that Bill died in the fire. Sookie and Bill fuck. Again. Missionary and then Sookie on top.


  1. i've noticed the abundannce of flower patterns on everything in this series - clothing, upholstery, wallpaper, etc. i don't know if it's a southern thing. i found harris' use of the dirty uncle was a deliberate ploy to make sookie more sympathetic, but i still can't stand her. enjoying the blog so far, keep it up!

  2. No doubt, dude, no doubt. I guess you have to make Sookie as sympathetic as possible. You know, because she's such a friggin' douche. Blech.

  3. I tried looking for a wet sleeveless denim dress as well online but found nothing. I find the bit about Bill liking alien movies funny.

  4. Did anyone find the description of Sookie's reaction to Bill bringing Harlen round, odd? Were Bill and Harlen having "fun"?

  5. Did anyone think Harlen and Bill were getting it on?