Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 5 - Sookie and Hugo, the Church Bunnies

This chapter starts out with descriptions of what the mindset of vampires has been like since the public had become aware of their existence. Some, like Bill, want to mainstream. Some want to remain in the shadows. Some are tired of life and just want it all to end. I guess this would be Godfrey. Sookie thinks about all the ways that having Bill as a boyfriend has fucked up her life, then asks if Farrell is dead. The vamps think it's likely, but there is a chance that Farrell is still alive somewhere. They mention the priest who was at the airport and at the bar, and Sookie wonders how the priest would know she'd be at both places. Stan suggests there's a traitor in their midst, and Sookie writes down on a paper that his house could be bugged. This gets her dirty looks from both Stan and Bill. She, of course, wonders why, since she's given the best explanation of what could have happened. Sookie, being Sookie, takes this opportunity to crawl around and show off her ass while looking for a bug. You know, because she'd seen where people put bugs in movies, so it shouldn't take her long to find. And of course she finds one. She lets Stan and Bill know where it is (under a coffee table). Man, that Sookie is amazing. Bill leaves the room, so Sookie starts grinning like the idiot she is at Stan until Bill comes back. Bill comes back with Isabel and some kitchen dude, and announces that Farrell is dead. He knows this because of what happened during the evening. Stan gives Sookie and Bill the go-ahead to leave and go back to Bon Temps. Isabel yells at Sookie, calling her a stupid human for spilling her drink. Bill takes the opportunity to drop the bug in a glass of water. Now that they've fooled whoever was listening, they all kind of relax. They start talking about the Fellowship of the Sun church/cult. The kitchen guy suggests that he and Sookie hit the church up, and everyone thinks it's a great idea. Bill figures that the priest guy probably works for the church. Sookie is thinking that she can save everyone from a vampire attack, but she doesn't want to include Isabel's human consort (kitchen guy). Isabel comes back into the room after dumping the soaked bug and Sookie thinks about how much of a loser the guy is, because he reacts positively to Isabel's return. Harris uses the term "mouth water". Nice. Sookie hopes that she's not as much of a loser when Bill comes in the room. No, Sook, it's not your mouth that waters. It's other parts of your anatomy.

Stan lets Isabel in on the church invasion plan, and she's cool with it. They talk about new people in Stan's home, and figure out there is a new vamp named Leif. They bring him in, and low and behold...it's Eric! Since Sookie is not the sharpest tool in the shed, Bill has to give her some kind of sign not to indicate they know him. Stan accuses Eric/Leif of bugging the room and Eric says he has no problem with Stan's crew. Sookie sticks up for Eric and says the bug had to be put in the room quite a bit in advance to know all the deets of her flight, etc. Sookie then asks if it's okay if Bill takes her to the hotel, because she's a tired little kitten. Stan says that Isabel will take her, and she says no. Wow, she has balls. Or no brain. It's delightful how everyone should bow to her royal douchiness. She tells Stan that it will be Bill or there will be trouble. After a while, Stan says fine. Isabel drives Sookie and Bill to the hotel and tells Sookie what time to be ready to go to the church. Turns out kitchen boy's name is Hugo. Harris has an amazing variety of creeper names. I miss Re-Bar. Once they get up to the room, Bill's all horny and wants to see Sookie get her key out of her vag. But she's tired, so he fishes it out for her. Because she's fishy. And I'm a bit disgusted at myself. So Bill and Sookie fuck...or are about to when Eric shows up. I'm surprised Sookie didn't suggest a threesome, but then again, she's only lost her virginity. Sookie gets her bitch on and throws on a robe. Eric arranges for them to talk the next day, and Sookie and Bill get on with the fucking. 

The next day, Sookie wakes up and rinses the stink of sex off her, and orders breakfast. Of course, the waiter who comes up checks out her goodies. Is there anyone who doesn't? And, of course since unnecessary minor details matter, we get a list of what Sookie eats: sausage, pancakes and melon balls. Oh, and real maple syrup. Maybe it's just because I'm Canadian, but real maple syrup isn't that huge of a deal, I wouldn't think. After eating, she starts getting ready. I'm sure there will be an amazing detailed description of her hideous clothes. First she gets out her short, brunette wig (the horror of not being blonde) and gets out some glasses. She then stereotypes "fanatics" as "conservative" in dress. I'm sorry, but that would be my stereotype of biblethumpers as well, and in the series, we're told over and over again how much of a good Christian Sookie tries to be. Even while she's killing or hurting people. Whatevs. Anyhow, she orders clothes from the front desk. A long denim skirt and a pastel flowered blouse. Wow. I didn't know she was going to join a Hutterite or Amish colony. We are also told that Sookie gets a kick out of ordering the front desk person around and spending other people's money. While she's waiting impatiently for the clothes to be delivered (and if I were the front desk person, I'd take my sweet time and be laughing at the lack of fashion sense this moron from Bon Temps had with my co-workers), she watches the news. Turns out there was a woman's body found in a dumpster outside their hotel, that her name was Bethany (remember her?), she worked in a vampire bar as an entertainer (we all know that means she was a dirty, dirty stripper or else she would have been glorified as a waitress), and that the cops didn't think she'd been murdered there - that the body had been dumped as a message to the vamps. 

Because Bethany and Sookie were such close friends (??), Sookie has to hold back the tears. Um, I seem to recall Sookie being a semi-cunt to Bethany. Whatever. The same dude who brought Sookie her breakfast brings up her clothes. Sookie's all upset that she was brought khaki instead of denim. How dare someone try to improve (questionably) her already stellar sense of fashion!!?? Especially when she was lamenting the fact that she didn't have time to go to WAL-MART to pick out her own clothes. Haymaker to the baby maker. So she puts on her clothes and puts earrings in her "pierced ears". Really? Did we need to be told that? I know for a fact that she's put in earrings before. Bah. 

So she leaves to wait for Hugo, and is all freaked out because of the guards and the silence of the hotel. She figures it's because there's an attack about to be made. Then she slowly figures out it must be because the vampires want heavy duty security. Atta you, brainiac. Everyone in the hotel is wearing black, and she mocks this. Um, doesn't she have to wear a uniform to work...one that's the same as everyone else? And doesn't it consist of black shorts and, if I remember correctly, black running shoes? So shut yer piehole, Sookie. 

Hugo is waiting in the lounge and is all confused by Sookie's brunette-ness. She patiently explains she's wearing a wig, and he tells her how good it looks. Of course it looks good, silly Hugo. She's The Sookie. They talk as they drive to the church, about how long Hugo and Isabel have been together, if he was previously married (yes, and he's divorced), if he had kids (yes), and he asks her if she can really read minds, and says that's probably why vampires like her (it's true...that and another reason). Turns out that Hugo is a lawyer. Sookie makes a snide comment about that being the reason that vampires tolerate him. They decide that they're going to say they just met at church...more specifically, at Sunday School. Do they even have Sunday School for adults? I thought it was to brainwash get the kids out of the way let the kids have a more child-friendly religious education. But what to I know? I went to church as a kid because they gave us juice and cookies. And it was regular juice, not Jesus juice. Anyhow, Sookie and Hugo get their stories together and get ready to go into the church. 

Sookie, being Sookie, points out a mistake in the church's sign. It said that only Jesus rose from the dead, and she points out that Lazarus did as well. Now, if I were a minister or someone high up in the church, I'd be firing that the sign person, because I'm not a bible thumper and even I knew that. 

I also think that Jesus was the first zombie. True story.

Hugo tells Sookie to smarten and shut the fuck up with that noise. The Fellowship are dangerous, have admitted to handing over vampires so they can be drained, and are basically very bad people. Sookie is shocked and sickened. Um, didn't she know this shit before she went in? Hugo did his homework, maybe Sookie should have done hers. As they're walking up to the door, Sookie is judging the cars, and the nicest one belongs to the head of the Fellowship, Steve Newlin. Hugo goes to hold Sookie's hand and she jumps because she's an artard. This leads to her being able to clearly read his mind. Turns out, Hugo finds it a bit disgusting to hold Sookie's hand. Oh oh...someone doesn't like Sookie. We know how this will end. 

They head into the church, and a woman comes up and asks if she can help them. Hugo says they want to learn more about the church. The woman is Steve Newlin's wife, Sarah. Sookie describes her as in her forties and "unexpectedly sensuous". Interesting. Looks like Sookie wants to bat for the other team now. Sarah seems pretty pleasant and helpful, leading them through doors and showing them through the church. Sarah eventually leads them to Steve Newlin's office - it's pointed out that this is the only closed door Sookie has seen so far. Really? I'm sure that the bathroom doors would be closed too. But then this door wouldn't be so ominous. Sarah leads them in and Steve has a huge grin on his face to greet them. Maybe he and Sookie are related. Sookie thinks his head is too small for his body. He also doesn't seem to fit her stereotype of what a cult leader should be. 

Hugo introduces Sookie as Marigold (which is delightful and to which Sookie takes offense - I have to answer with: who the hell names their daughter Sookie?). Steve wonders if they've heard Hugo's name before, and they figure out it was because he'd represented some vampires. Steve asks if it's because he's seen the error of his ways, and goes on and on about bloodsucking vampires, and how all the vamps will burn in hell after they've been staked, all that good stuff. 

Suddenly, a huge muscular guy comes in, Gabe, and says that someone is waiting for Steve. Sookie figures that Farrell is somehow involved, that she'll have to tell Stan, and that the vamps will attack the church. Steve tells Gabe he can wait until Sookie and Hugo have left. Hugo says again that they just want some information on the church, and since a communication person is there, a woman named Polly, that she can probably give them that info. Polly talks about a Sunday dawn ritual, which any moron could tell is code for a vamp's going to blow up real good when the sun comes up. There's also a lock-in before the ritual, and Sookie gushes about how awesome that sounds. Steve says that they want members in the church before "they rise". Sookie, being the amazing intellectual she is, thinks they're talking about bread rising before she realises he means vampires. Fucking moron. The churchies talk about the lock-in like it's a big slumber party, and say that Sook and Hugo are welcome to join. Sarah volunteers to show them the rest of the church, and Hugo tells Sookie mentally that they need to get the fuck outta there. Sookie says they'd be interested in the lock-in but they need to go home and pack up, and Hugo says they need to feed their cat. Sarah comes back offering them some extra sleeping bags. So, ya, it's quite obvious that they don't want Sook and Hugo leaving. Steve puts the kybosh on either of them leaving. So Sookie starts thinking about killing Steve. You know, because that's the obvious solution for all her problems. Just kill the bastards. Sookie starts noticing the people she's passing, and notices that...there are a few non-Caucasians in the crew!! Wowzers...that must be a rareity. 

Sarah  Newlin keeps up a running dialogue while she and Steve lead Sookie and Hugo through the church, and Sookie's getting more and more nervous. Hugo, because he's not at all as observant and mind-reader-ly like Sookie, is chatting back. But Sookie knows where this party is going. It's leading to a door, but not one that goes outside - one that leads into a basement.

Duh duh duuuuuuuuuh!!

Overview: Sookie finds a hidden bug because she's seen how they do it in the movies. Eric tries to cockblock Bill but is unsuccessful. Sookie and Hugo go to church and stay there.