Dead Until Dark: Chapter 5 - No Wedding But A Funeral

The chapter begins with Sookie thinking about what happened at Fangtasia, and how she's now a vampire groupie of sorts.

The police force in Bon Temps has been out in force, questioning the vast amounts of men that Dawn slept with, and Detective Andy Bellefleur (you remember, Mr. Beautiful Flower?) is hanging out at Merlottes, and tries to sit in Sookie's section. This time, I don't think it's because he wants to bang her. It's because he suspects her of having mind-reading abilities (someone in Bon Temps who isn't a complete mental reject?) and is thinking pervy things, just to throw Sookie off her game. After trying to ignore Andy, she finally serves him and he's thinking of her and Jason getting it on (I'm kind of loving Andy right now) in order to provoke her. She dumps a drink on him, and Sam gets all concerned and swears. Oh my! What he says is "Son of a bitch," which Sookie finds shocking. Dude, I say that all the time. So, anyhow, Sookie starts being a crying baby, which results in Andy coming out to apologise. I wouldn't have apologised. I would have laughed. But then again, I'm a son of a bitch. Or daughter. Whatevs, it boils down to me being a bitch!! She tells Andy to call her Miss Stackhouse (to which I say bite me, you douche-bag) and tells him to catch the murderer instead of make her cry. Sam comes along swinging his arms (I picture him swinging them windmill style myself) and tells Andy he's not allowed to sit in Sookie's section anymore. Sam comforts Sookie and tells her to leave, but Sookie, because she's a dedicated and talented waitress, goes back to work.

When they go into the bar, Sam asks if it's true that Bill is going to speak at Gran's dead ladies club (no, that's not the name of it, but I could give a crap). Sookie says yes, and says no when Sam asks if she's planning on attending the old lady club. Then she gets all pissy when he doesn't come out and say what's on his mind, and wishes that men could just ball up and ask things they want answers to. Yeah, welcome to the minds of men, loser. Sam asks Sookie to go to the dead ladies club with him and she says yes.

Sookie heads home after this exchange, and Gran has supper all ready for Sookie (I guess she can't cook for herself), and kind of mumbles about whether or not Bill would have come if the meeting had been held in a church. Sookie, now an expert in all matters vampire, says yes because vampires don't really give a crap about religious stuff. Sookie tells Gran that she'll be going to the meeting with Sam, and Gran starts dreaming about grandkids because finally, Sookie has a date.

Sidebar: If Sookie is so hot, then how come she's never had a boyfriend? I mean, yeah, it would suck to be able to read the mind of the guy you're dating and find out he's thinking about your mom instead of you during sex (I just threw up in my mouth a bit - that would friggin' suck!), but you'd think that some people would meet her high standards, or at least be trying to get dates with her. But until Bill comes to town, it sounds like Sookie has had no action whatsoever. Okay, end of sidebar.

Sookie goes up and gets ready and guess what??!! We get a description of what she wears, right down to her earrings. It doesn't sound all that bad this time. She does, however, consider a denim jumper. When I Googled it, this is what I found:

Sexy, right? But she discards that idea because it's not quite nice enough. Urg. Fugly dress. So she wears khakis, a silk blouse (do they even make those anymore?), sandals, a belt and big gold earrings. Hey, it could be worse. It could be a denim jumper.

So, Sam comes to pick her up (right on time, I might add), and they leave for the meeting. They get there and some old perv comes up and comments on how hot Sookie is looking, and asks if Bill is, in fact, a friend of Sookie's. Sookie confirms this, and Mr. Norris (the old perv) asks if it's safe to be around a vampire. A valid question, in my opinion. Sookie says Bill is very nice, and no biting will be done. Forty people show up for the meeting, and this is considered to be a big turnout for a gathering in Bon Temps. Right on.

Bill comes in, and apparently florescent lighting does him no favours.  His skin is even more pale, his eyes are even more sunken and dark, but Sookie is still fascinated with his long fingers. Ooooohhhh!!

Bill starts telling the crowd about the civil war and his experiences, and people start to ask him questions, mainly about whether or not Bill knew their families. Bill tells a story about a soldier he knew, one of the relatives of the question-askers, and says how brave this soldier was. The crowd was in awe of this. I had to admit, it would be pretty cool to hear about how one of your ancestors could be considered a hero and how he survived the war.

When the meeting was over, Sam takes Sookie to a diner (what she calls a real dive) and has coffee. They talk about Bill's speech and Sam asks if Sookie likes Bill. She says yes, and Sam tells her she has no future with Bill. Sookie gets all pissy and asks what business it is of Sam's to tell her who she does and doesn't have a future with. Sam mans up and tells her that he has feelings for her - more than friendly feelings. This takes Sookie by surprise (because she's a tool), and she starts yelling at Sam because he waited until someone else was interested in her before telling her that. Nice. Someone finally gets the guts to tell you  he has feelings for you, and you get all cunty on him. Oh, then on the ride back, Sookie gets mad at Sam because it's an awkward ride home. I'd punch her in the throat, but that's just me.

When Sookie goes to get out of the truck, she falls out (because she's graceful) and Sam catches her and kisses her. But she thinks "This is my boss!!" and cuts the kiss off. She tells him she had a good time (it doesn't sound like she did) and goes into the house after Sam asking if she'd want to go on a date again (she said "we'll see", which means no).

She goes into the house and feels like there's something wrong. Everything looked right, but something is off. She can smell blood. She checks the rooms, and finally goes into the kitchen, and starts screaming. Bill grabs her and takes her into the living room. In a very round about way, we find out that Gran gave Bill a ride home, and he stayed to wait around for Sookie.  During that time, Gran has been killed. Which sucks.

Jason comes over as does Sam. We get more details on Gran's death. It was violent. It's kind of hard to be a bitch about this, because it is pretty sad. Sookie and Jason hug each other, and realize they're the only Stackhouses left in Bon Temps. Sookie says it was her fault Gran is dead, because obviously the murderer was there to kill Sookie. Jason wants to know how Sookie knows Bill didn't kill Gran, and Sookie says she just figures Bill isn't the killer of all these women.

I don't know how Jason knows this, but he tells her that Gran left her the house and the land. Jason's kind of pissed about this, but I don't see why - he has their parents' house and land without having to pay Sookie anything for it. Jason storms out, and Bill comforts Sookie by saying Jason can't handle the fact that Gran is dead and lashed out in anger. Which is probably the most intellectual thing said in this book so far.

Andy comes out of the house, and immediately zeros in on Bill. Sookie says "NO" and Bill gets all mushy and figures Sookie was protecting him all this time, and that Bill will be blamed for all the murders. I don't see how Sookie was protecting him. She wasn't an alibi. She wasn't a witness. She didn't plead for him. But whatever. She has been protecting him in a way that is never explained very well, or perhaps at all.

Bill and Sookie walk towards people, and Jason up and slaps her. Okay, now I heart Jason. He smacks her so hard, she falls down. Yeahhhhh, booooiiiiiieeee!!! Bill's fangs come out (because he's mad, not horned up) and Andy tells Bill to back off. Sam's all pissed off at Jason, but Jason's a huge ball of mess.

The next scene is at the funeral. There's some crap about the house and how Jason was right, then Sookie, instead of mourning her grandmother, starts thinking about how she'll have to bear all the costs of running the house. Maxine Fortenberry asks if Sookie is going to sell the house and Sookie says no, that there are more good memories in the house than bad. Maxine then asks if Bill will be at the funeral, and Sookie says no, because it's in the daytime (dur). Maxine tells Sookie how great it was that Bill spoke at the dead ladies club and because of that, more people got to know him and bla bla bla.

So, yeah, the whole town turns out for the funeral, and everyone is super sad. Sookie, the spiritual woman she is, feels something fly up into the sky and from that knows that Gran is where she belongs. Bye-bye, Gran.

At the wake, some woman comes up and asks where Gran's brother is (this is kind of important later - that you know there's a great-uncle and that he wasn't welcome at the funeral). This woman brought a taco salad (what a bitch, everyone knows you bring casseroles to wakes!). The chapter ends with Jason saying he'll let the great-uncle know that Gran is dead.

Sorry that this wasn't as bitchy as usual - it's hard to be a bitch about someone dying. Don't worry - my usual cuntiness will return upon the next chapter.

Overview:  Sookie goes on a date with Sam. Bill gives a speech for old people. Gran dies. Jason knocks Sookie out (and I gain respect for Jason).