Club Dead: Chapter 1 - Bill...a Computer Geek?

I know what you  must be thinking...how come so many posts in such a short time? Well, I've given myself  a kick in the ass, and let me tell you - I'm not as flexible as I thought I was. Anyhow, on with the Sookie series of moron-dom.

Club Dead:  Book 3

The book starts off with Sookie being pissed off because Bill is working on a computer. He seems to be more attached to it than he does to Sookie. She tries to turn him on, but she gets no reaction from him.

Now, Bill, don't you know that when Sookie wants attention, she gets attention? She's a hard working waitress who wants some loving from her boyfriend as soon as she walks in the door. So, she creeps behind him and gives his back the stink eye. How dare he not rip her clothes off? Because she's nosey and has to know everything, she starts to look at Bill's computer as he works. He notices and turns it right off. Um, mind your freaking business, Sookie. 

Harris starts talking about the ways you know how vamps are turned on, and about fang-bangers, and makes sure to note that Sookie isn't a fang-banger. Really? And you're going to stick to that story. Oooohhhh-kay. 

Sookie continues on with her bitchy self, and uses her word of the day - libido. Wow, she must have a very limited vocabulary if these are words she's just learning in her late (or mid, whatever) twenties. Bill tells her to forget what she saw on the computer, which is Bill making a vampire database, complete with photos. He tells her it's secret, and she has to struggle with herself to decide whether to stay or not. Wow. You interrupt your boyfriend working, and you expect him to be all "I'm so sorry, honey, I should have stopped that stupid important work that I've been hired to do as soon as you came in!!" Who has hired him to do this work? The queen of Louisiana. Sookie finds it funny that there's a queen of Louisiana. I don't know why it's so funny, but maybe you have to have the IQ of a toadstool to find certain things funny. You certainly do to think that saying "I must be gonna live" is at all in the English language okay to say. 

The queen lives in New Orleans, which is a mecca for vampires. Harris babbles on about why vamps were able to mainstream into society, and all that "I'm writing a new book, so I can fill up some pages with re-hashed bullshit" nonsense is out. Really, for a couple pages, she just talks about the world's reaction to vampires. Now what I find funny is that France, Italy and Germany are noted as not being vampire friendly, but the USA is. I doubt it. From what I can tell as an outsider, the US (or at least, those in decision making power) isn't really too fond of people unless they're white, rich, straight and of the male persuasion. I do realise I'm generalising, and I know it's not everyone, but when I look at their laws on gay marriage et al...France, Italy and Germany could generally give a fuck, but...anyhow, that's politics, and I just call BS on the USA being the leader in vampire tolerance. Maybe some day it will change.

Sookie wants to know how much more time will be wasted working when he could be spending time pleasuring her, and he says as long as it takes. Brava, Monsieur Bill!! Sookie pouts that maybe it's best if she stays away while he's busy, and he says that's a good idea. Sookie's about to start whimpering, and Bill starts talking to her (well, to her back, since he only deserves to talk to her ass right now) and says that if anything happens to him, there's copies of everything in his sleeping place. Oh, and that if he's not back in a couple months, she should seek Eric's protection, because he's going to Seattle. I don't know what Seattle has to do with anything, but I guess we'll find out. 

On her way to work the next day, Sookie drives by the Bellefleur house, and notices that all sorts of renos are going on. Harris makes sure to note that Sookie's gramma died. Does this have anything to do with anything? You bet it doesn't. Sookie believes that the sudden wealth has nothing to do with the Bellefleurs and everything to do with her. I don't understand why at all. Because you said Mrs. Bellefleur's full name in front of Bill, and he figured out FOR HIMSELF that he was related to them, and therefore gave them HIS money? Yeah, and why exactly are you responsible? Oh, that's right, you're not. Sookie didn't even find out who the murderer was, the maenad did, and then the maenad punished (okay, killed) all the murderers. Sookie "tries not to be bitter" (yeah, right) as she drives away, noting that Terry Bellefleur has a new truck (and she can barely afford the maintenance on her old piece of shit car), and thinks to herself that when Bill finally comes back, he'll be able to spend all of his attention on her, and not some stupid important work project. Poor little rejected Sookie.

Overview: Really, nothing to break down. Bill ignores Sookie because he has a job to do. Sookie gets mad. The Bellefleurs are using their money to renovate their house. Sookie gets bitter. Sookie drives away and feels sorry for her pathetic self.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 11 - Clean a Mess, Get a Cake, Grow a Family

Sookie's pretty grossed out by the mess on the porch, and Eric mentions that they're going to have to burn the cabin down. Eric and Bill chat while mucking in the guts, and kind of talk about Sookie etc. I don't know if Sookie's eyes are closed, if she's in some kind of trance or what the fuck is going on, but Bill and Eric are talking about her like she's not there, but knowing that she can hear them. It's all very stupid. Sam's returned to his human form, is naked, but Sookie's okay with that. Bill and Eric find Tara alive in the gooey mess, and Tara runs over to Sookie.

Here's a lovely quote. Sookie says "I must be gonna live". Now, I googled it, and it's not from a movie. Or a song. So, yeah, it's just fucking stupid. Who the fuck would say that. Seriously. Turns out, Andy and Eggs are still alive. Tara is acting slightly mentally left-behind. Tara, it turns out, is a judgemental douchebag like Sookie, and calls Portia a dog. Harris then calls Tara inferior. So, there's a lot of cuntiness going on in the first couple pages, and not a lot of sense-making. Sam ends up driving Tara home (in her white Camero...Eric has a red Corvette - ah, the delights of thinking upper class but the reality of being white trash). Eric glamours Eggs not to remember what went down, and offers the same to Tara, but she wants to remember what a whore she was. But...after reasoning that Tara might tell what happened at the cabin, Eric glamours her too.

Sookie asks Eric why Bill hates the Bellefleurs (um, I don't think he ever came across as hating them...if so, then why was he hanging out with Portia?) and Eric says it's a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme...

Um, apparently Portia has has decided to come out to Sex Fire Alley, and runs over to Andy, and accuses the vampires of fucking him up. Sookie says that they (the vampires) saved his life. Bil wakes Andy up, and Andy asks if the people lumps of red goo on the porch are the ones who killed Lafayette. Bill confirms it, but there's no proof. Amazingly, Mike the Coroner has kept L's wallet all this time, and so they leave it in one of the dead people's cars for the po-po to find.

Portia, seeming to be a well adjusted and polite person, apologises for using Bill in order to wrangle an invitation to the sex club. She says she hopes it didn't scar Sookie too much, and thanks Sookie for helping Andy. Sookie, being the WonderKunt she is, bitches at Portia, saying that she wasn't helping Andy, she was doing it for L. Portia then takes Andy home. I hope Bill takes Sookie home soon, and gets her to take some fucking Midol for her PMS.

Sookie asks where the maenad went, and Bill says he doesn't know. Sookie doesn't understand why Sam spent time with the maenad, to which I say that's really none of your fucking business, since Sookie doesn't like it when people question her decision to date vampires, so shaddafuckup. Turns out Bill smoothed everything out in Dallas - I'm thinking that's where he was instead of being Sookie's fuck-buddy at the orgy.

Bill and Sookie go to Sookie's place, and she makes herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (which shows her maturity level). Bill takes a shower, then tells Sookie to join him. She says that it will just be a tease because...ahem..."I'll be clean but...unloved." Really? REALLY? After feelings so disgusted and dirty because of the perverted sex at the cabin? I don't know, but I think after being involved in something like that, I wouldn't really be in the sex mood, especially if Sookie was as disgusted as she claimed to be. Also, take a shower, moron...I'm sure you're covered in blood and goo and terror stank. Instead, she falls alseep and is woken up by Bill the next day, feeling like "mouldy bread". Must be  because of her yeast infection.

Naturally, Sookie and Bill fuck as soon as she wakes up. And the dirty whore still hasn't taken a friggin shower yet. After having sex, Sookie decides the most important thing to do is get the newspaper, and that's when she finds a big award winning chocolate cake that Mrs. Bellefleur made, just for Sookie. Bill mentions that the cake smells delicious, and if Sookie could wear it as a perfume that he'd eat her up, and she says he already did. That means that Bill ate dirty smelly Sookie box. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. There's a message on Sookie's machine, and it's Mrs. Bellefleur saying thank you for helping Andy. I'm surprised that Sookie doesn't call up old Mrs. Bellefleur and say "Fuck you, old lady, I was helping Lafayette - I told your ugly granddaughter that last night!" Then Sookie says Mrs. Bellefleur's whole name: Caroline Holliday Bellefleur. Bill tells Sookie to go get his Bible from his house - turns out that there's a family tree inside the Bible. Bill starts to go through it, making mention of some of the names. Guess who Bill's great-granddaughter is - you got it!! Old Lady Bellefleur! So, yeah, Bill goes from "hating" the Bellefleurs (which I still don't recall being stressed ever) to being related and wanting to do something for them. Sookie tells Bill they need money, because they're cash poor. Really? Andy works on the police force and Portia is a successful (from what I can tell) lawyer. Why is there no money? Anyhow, Sookie asks why Bill didn't like the Bellefleurs before, and he says it's because the story he told to Sookie's gran's old lady club - the one about the soldier who was calling for help in the middle of a field - it was a Bellefleur. I don't know if I recapped that story. Nope, I did not. Whatever, Bill told a story about a soldier crying for help in the middle of a battlefield and one of his co-soldiers (whatever they're called) died trying to save him. He's apparently hated the Bellefleurs ever since.

Bill thanks Sookie. Why? Because she makes him feel human. Bill says if anything ever happens to him, Sookie should go to Eric. He says the Fellowship are still dangerous. The book ends with Bill's skin was glowing in the dark, and so was Sookie's. I don't know if that's more a metaphorical thing, but I really don't care.

Overview:  Eric and Bill clean up the maenad's mess. The maenad killed everyone but Sookie, Tara, Eggs and Andy. Bill and Sookie screw (I don't even know if this is worth repeating all the time, but I enjoy it). Sookie gets a cake. Bill gets a family.