Club Dead: Chapter 12 - Soooo, What You Been Up To, Bill?

Holy shitballs, it's been a long time between posts. Urg. I was honestly having a hard time facing Sookie again. But, as season 7 of True Blood approaches (the final season!!), I have decided to be a better person and put my nose to the grindstone. Anyhow, onward and upward.

So, being pushed from behind, Sookie decides Debbie must be the culprit. Sookie keeps herself calm by breathing. She hopes that when Bill wakes up, he'll be able to get them out of the car. Then Sookie thinks...Bill will probably wake up hungrier than hell. And who's a sack full of delicious blood? Sookie, that's who. She starts worrying that he won't be able to stop feeding on her until it's too late. She recalls thinking about an article she once read (yeah, right...I bet it was a cartoon or something) where there should be emergency latches in cars. She finds the one in the Lincoln but it was disabled. She thinks for 2 seconds that Eric disabled it because he's a jealous dead man, but seriously...seriously? What a fucktard. So she sits...well, lays in the trunk and ponders life. Since she only has 2 brain cells to rub together, it's nothing too original. 

Bill starts waking up, and Sookie tries to feed him bottles of blood that she's found in the car. I have no idea why there are, but there they are. But, of course, Bill prefers Sookie over some stanky old bottles of True Blood. Why does he stop? Because Sookie pinches his ear. And it hurts him. Seriously. Bill asks Sookie if she's okay, and she says no, then (rightly so) feels guilty about being a whiner because it's Bill who's been tortured for who knows how long. Really, I can't remember how long he's supposed to have been tortured for, because I'm a bad little blogger. Bill thinks they're in a closet (and they're having sex...I knew they were kinky buggers) and when Sookie tells him they're in a trunk, he superhero punches a hole in the car truck. Sookie explains where they are (Alcide's garage) and Bill wonders who the fuck Alcide is. Then Sookie tells Bill that Eric is on the way. She debates whining about Bill leaving her or saying she forgives him because...ahem...she is "faithful unto death". Yeah, right.

Eric shows up and Sookie faints. That's all I have to say about that. Yawn.

When she comes to, all three of her fans are there: Eric, Alcide and Bill. She calls them the Three Musketeers. God, I want to slap her, as she lays there thinking about how much they all want to fuck her. Sookie tells them that she was asked to the crucifixion that night and they start quizzing her about it. They start wondering who it is that is going to be crucified. Sookie thinks it might be Elvis Bubba and Eric gets really angry about it. They decide to rescue Bubba. Alcide worries that Sookie might get into trouble because she's a murdering rescuer. Eric gets a boner thinking about how Sookie killed Lorena. 

Eric argues that if the people at Edgington's don't know that Sookie rescued Bill, she'd probably be welcome in Edgington's house. Eric starts to muse about how they could get Sookie back in. I don't know why, but this kind of talk makes Alcide happy and want to call Debbie. This pisses Sookie off royally...how dare he think of any other woman in her company?? So she tells Alcide that she thinks Debbie's the one who locked her in the trunk of a car (haha, Tragically Hip reference for any Canadians reading out there), and the vamp boys try to figure out why some dumb ass were would try to hurt Sookie. Alcide explains that it's because Sookie was his "girlfriend" at Club Dead and that Debbie must be a jealous psycho bitch. Sookie wonders why she can't just call Edgington's house to see who the lucky winner of an evening trip to Crucifixion-ville is. For some reason, they agree to this. You know, because they'd just tell anyone who calls who they're planning on crucifying. 

Sookie calls and asks to talk to Betty Joe (um...Joe? Why not Jo?) who is the person/vamp she saved. Betty Joe gets on the phone and is kind of a bitch to her. Which, of course, makes me like Betty Joe a little bit. Sookie asks if Bubba is there, and Betty Joe says yes. Sookie tells her that Bubba isn't an impersonator, but is the real thing and Betty Joe trips out. I guess they were going to crucify him, but Betty Joe intercepted in time. Oh, and I noticed a typo - Betty Joe has turned into Betty Jo. Great proof reader you have there. So, the crowd at Edgington's gets excited because hey - maybe he'll sing for them. While Eric talks to Betty Joe about them keeping Bubba for a while, Sookie wonders why nobody has mentioned that Bill and Lorena are missing. 

Sookie starts spiralling, thinking about that dude, Jerry, she killed and wondering if anyone had found him yet. She starts bemoaning her life and how it's turned to shit after she met Bill and got involved in vampire drama. Um, bitch, you have no one to blame but yourself. 

Alcide gets a call and yells at everyone to get into the empty apartment next to his. Bill carries Sookie into the apartment (she is, once again, unable to walk for some reason) and Sookie thinks about how much she wants to fuck Bill some more, then feels sex guilt. Lol. The guys are listening in on Alcide and his visitor, and it turns out his visitor is Debbie. 

Debbie's going off on Alcide, being a bitch about his sister, and about Sookie. Alcide is telling her how hot Sookie is in bed...which is probably a lie anyhow. Sookie likes some deep fanging, not banging. Oh, how clever am I...

Bill gets all jelo, and Sookie goes off, saying that she and Alcide didn't sleep together, but Bill had no problem laying the bone to Lorena and leaving Sookie all alone. She chokes him (or tries to) and Bill just lays there. Blah.

Bill starts explaining what happened to him a bit. The queen was asking him about his computer program, the one that keeps a record of all the vamps in the US of A. He was also putting photos or drawings of the ones he knew. Sookie wonders why the queen wanted it, and Bill makes mention that it would be easier to take it from him rather than collaborate or buy it from him. Bill makes mention that all vamps, even those who don't necessarily want to be, are in his little directory. 

Sookie gets tired of all the drama-rama that's going on in both apartments, and tells Eric to take her home. In the Lincoln. Ride that pony. 

Overview: Sookie figures out that it was Debbie that shut her in the trunk, and Alcide and Debbie have a big fight. We find out that Bill is making a Vampire Yellow Pages directory. Wouldn't a Linked In profile be easier?