Monday, October 29, 2012

Club Dead: Chapter 4 - Beefcake-y Goodness

Since Sookie's being called out of town, she decides to do laundry and other housekeeping, as any normal person would. While she's doing this, she stews over the fact that Eric is making her go to Mississippi. She also broods over the fact that Bill being in her life has fucked her royally. Although I seem to remember the Sook-meister saying that her life sucked (no pun intended) before the vamps entered into it. We're stuck hearing about her mundane daily acts of living. Oh, and we're told AGAIN how much she likes to read and how self-educated she is...even though the books she packed were romance novels. All I ever learned from romance novels is a number of ways to refer to penises and boobs. That was when I was 18, and I'm proud to say I haven't picked up one of those pieces of crap for years and years. Then she goes to bed.

A thought wakes her up - what if Bill wasn't kidnapped but went to Mississippi of his own volition. Naturally, she doesn't use that word - that would be too big of a word for her. Then she wonders if the Shreveport vamps are looking through Bill's house. 

When she decides to really wake up, there's a knock on the door, and it's a big, burly man. She immediately knows that he's a were and asks him if he wants coffee. He tells her to throw some eggs and sheit with that coffee, and he's in. The burly were's name? Alcide Herveaux. 

Yum. I'd also like to throw out a thank you to Magic Mike for giving me some bedtime fodder. Sorry, must wipe drool from my keyboard and get back to the book. In a minute. Sigh. Okay. Now back.

So, Sookie cooks him up breakfast. And we're told he eats neatly. What does that mean, anyhow? That he didn't use his hands? That he didn't drop any eggs on the table? Or that he didn't lick his knife? Whatever, dude, if Joe Manganiello licked his knife, I'd just sit there with my hands under my chin, looking dreamily at him, and tell him to do it again. And if he wanted to bring his friend, Channing Tatum, along for breakfast, then by all means.

Magic Mike. Sigh. 

Sorry, off topic again. Seriously going back to the book now.

We're told in excruciating detail how Sookie washes her dishes. She thinks to herself that her life should be cooking and cleaning for a man - amazing, isn't it, when she tries to tell herself and the reader how liberated she is? We also get a description of werewolves, and the fact that Alcide is a real man. Alcide tells her he's cooperating because his dad owes a bunch of money to vamps because of his dad's problem with gambling. Sookie tells him that Bill is the only vamp that she voluntarily spends time with, and that a were had kidnapped Bill. Alcide tells Sookie that the were that kidnapped Bill is part of a gang of mainly weres and big shifters. Alcide asks what her reason/skill is, since she hangs with vamps. She's surprised that he's never heard of her (fucktard, he's from Jackson, in another state, why the FOOK would he have heard of you??!!). 

Alcide mentions that he doesn't trust Eric, and that he might use Bill for Eric's own devices. Sookie says that Bill "knows stuff". Sigh. Yeah, he knows stuff, Sookie. Alcide tells Sookie that what he'll be doing is taking Sookie to a club in Jackson that caters to weres and other supernatural creatures ("supes"). He tells her it's a party club, thinking that she wouldn't have anything to wear. Wow, I just realized - we didn't get a description of whatever fashion-backwards outfit Sookie is wearing. Hmmmm.

Sookie mentions that his girlfriend might not like him taking another woman to a club, and he says that he broke up with his girlfriend a while ago. Sookie thinks that woman is an idiot. That to me means that she and Alcide's ex have something in common. 

Sookie goes upstairs to put on one of the "party dresses" that she bought from Tara's Togs. That she bought herself, not through Bill's tab (you remember - he bought the building that Tara's store is in. What does the dress look like? I don't know yet, because she just zips up the bag the dress is in after admiring it. I guess we'll find out what it looks like later. Alcide comes into the bedroom and asks if Sookie is ready. He nods at her curtains for some reason. I've never had a guy come in and nod at any of my window dressings. But then, I'm finding that Harris's imaginary people and my real-life experiences don't exactly mingle cohesively. 

Sookie calls Sam and tells him that she won't be into work for a while. Sam wonders who is going with Sookie, and she tells him who it is. Sam wants to talk to Alcide. Sookie gives him the phone, and goes to look at Alcide's truck. It's a Dodge Ram extended cab. A real man's truck. To me, it would indicate compensating for a lack of size. Then Sookie is pissy for some reason. That reason? Alcide told her about the dress code at the club, but a vampire never would. Ummmm, okay. Makes total sense in Sookie world. 

Alcide comes back from talking with Sam, who had told Alcide to look after Sookie. Sookie gets a bit moist while checking out Alcide's truck, and snoops on the inside, looking at Alcide's company papers (which is a bit cunty - what if there is confidential information in those papers, artard?) and finds out that Alcide owns his own company and that he's got multiple offices. She asks if Alcide's dad is a were too, and he tells her that both of his parents are weres, and the only way to produce a were child is to have both parents as weres. Even after him telling her that, Sookie asks why there aren't more were children. Alcide also says that only one child of two weres carries the were trait, and that a lot of were babies die. Sookie finds out that Alcide's ex isn't a were but a shifter. 

That makes Sookie think about Sam and we get a boring ass recap of Sam's background. Sookie keeps questioning Alcide about his ex, and he says that he doesn't really want to pass his were gene on. I find that Sookie is getting mighty personal with someone she just met that morning, maybe a couple hours previous. Alcide says that he prefers to date human chicks but that it's hard but that he "ha(ve)s to date someone". Um, why do you HAVE to date someone? Just jerk off, jerkoff. Sookie thinks about how much she misses Bill, and that she realised that watching The Last of the Mohicans. Fuck, really? 

Sookie asks about what happens if Alcide were to bite someone while a were. She's told that would turn the person into a half-were, and some other crap. He says that weres can't come out to the general public like vamps did, because they'd end up in zoos. Yeah, okay. Sookie wonders why he feels comfortable telling her all his secrets (I'd like to know that too, I would have told that nosey bitch to fuck off already), and he says that it'd be easier to spend time with her if she knew everything about him. And what has she told him? Nothing, except that she dates a vamp who was kidnapped. He also says that he feels like he really knows her. How? I don't know. Because she cooked him breakfast and he saw her curtains? And not even her meat curtains...

Alcide continues to tell Sookie his life story, and it's really all blah blah blah. They stop for gas (is it necessary for us to know that? Not at all). Sookie, being the most awesome blond cupcake in the world, offers to pay for gas and Alcide, being the hunkiest beefcake in the world, waves off her offer. But you and I know that it was just for show - as if Sookie would have paid for the gas. After they stop for gas, Sookie tells Alcide about a field trip that she, her Gran and her Sad Old People's Club took somewhere I could care less about, and that Bill spoke at the Sad Old People's Club. Alcide asks who Bill's sire is, and Sookie says she doesn't know. She also says that she doesn't think that Bill is her boyfriend anymore (um, since when??) but that she still has to find him. 

They get to Jackson and Alcide points some boring shit out to her. They go to Alcide's apartment where they "scramble" out of the truck. Why do they scramble? Because maybe that's just the way they roll in Jackson. Alcide lets it slip that he and his father own the building (which are condos) and that there are some very infuential neighbours there...meaning Alcide's fairly well off. There is a fooking boring description of Alcide's apartment. There's a kitchen, a living room, a closet, two small (??) bedrooms and a small bathroom. Wow, judge much? But...the master bedroom is big with a big bathroom. Oh, and the whole apartment is beige. And has bamboo wallpaper. 

Sookie puts her shit away, and thinks about how great it was that her grandmother is dead and that she has the house to herself, since there wasn't any money when Gran died. Then she thinks about how much she's struggled financially, and how easy the Bellefleurs have it because Bill gave them a shitload of money, and how she's so much better than anyone else because this bitch don't take money from nobody. 

Alcide comes in and asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says lies, and says she's sad because she misses Bill, not because she's a broke-ass ho. Then Sookie realises that she wants to rub her sexy tan body all over Alcide, and she thinks about how warm Alcide is (as opposed to Bill, who is dead and cold). 

Then there's a complete change of subject, and they decide to go out for dinner. He says they'll go out at eight. It's currently two in the afternoon, and Alcide's going to leave Sookie alone while he goes out and does some business shit. The weird thing? She doesn't think "Oh, then I'll go out, walk around and check out Jackson, since I've never been here". No. The first thing that's brought up in the book is that his house is clean, so there's nothing for her to do there. Um, really? When I'm a guest in someone's house, I don't automatically think "Man, I've got to clean this shit up" if someone leaves me alone for a while. But then, I'm not socially retarded like Sookie. Alcide suggests that Sookie visit his sister, Janice, who is a hairdresser. Sookie, who was just whining to herself about her lack of money, is hesitant, but Alcide glosses over that fact by saying she should just go there to introduce herself to his sister, since they're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend and all. Then he leaves.

Overview:  Sookie meets Alcide. They drive to Jackson. We're introduced to the were background. That's pretty much it.

1 comment:

  1. All the time this book devotes to Alcide's apartment and Sookie doing noting in it is so boring! I can't wait until you get to the description of the first dress and the picture that you'll show. I'm already giggling.