Dead Until Dark: Chapter 1 - The Intros

So, in the opening pages, we learn that vampires have "come out of the coffin". Sweet. Our protagonist, Sookie Stackhouse, is longing for a vampire of her own. Of course, we're subject to a description of this sweet lil thang. 25 years old, blond, blue eyed and her body is a wonderland. Big boobies, small waist and long legs. She sounds disgusting. We also find out she's a mind reader, which she calls a disability. I know I wouldn't want to know what people thought of me. I mean, I know I'm practically perfect in every way, but still...

So, yeah, Sookie works at a bar called Merlotte's as a waitress.  She looks uber-sexy in her black short-shorts and white shirt, and she's workin' that bod.  Next thing you know, a vampire comes in. Yay!!  Naturally, she's overjoyed, and describes this undead piece of ass as sexy yet old fashioned. Well, dur, he's like 100 years old. He asks for a glass of synthetic blood (the reason that vampires were able to come out), but Merlottes doesn't carry any. Because they're in a hick-ville town outside of New Orleans called Bon Temps. So he gets a glass of red wine. He looks at it and pretends it's Sookie's blood. Some mean customers, the Ratrays, call Sookie crazy, because that's her nasty rep. Poor Sookie. We go on to hear about her boss, Sam Merlotte. His eyes are described ashaving Paul Newman-esque blue eyes (I wonder if Harris read Sweet Valley - comparison to Mr. Collins?), blond, wiry and strong. But of course, he's her boss, so nothing can happen there. Right.

Anyhow, the Ratrays go over and sit with Mr. Vampire, and Sookie isn't happy about that. One of her co-workers comes over, and Sookie is just gushing with blond excitement about the fact that they have A REAL LIVE (well, not live) VAMPIRE in their little bar. Yippee!!  Then Sookie gets all jelo because the female counterpart talking to the vampire is stroking her neck, etc. Being a vampire slutbag. Somehow, Sookie just knows that Mr. Vampire is longing to take a suck.

Now we're introduced to Jason, Sookie's whore of a brother. He comes into the bar looking for a hook up. All the bitches want a piece of Jason. He's hot stuff in Bon Temps.

We get treated to a piece of Sookie's ESP. She "eavesdrops" on the Ratrays (the people sitting with the vampire) and finds out they've been in jail for vampire draining. The horror!! Vampire blood is a great high, and people get paid a lot of money to deal. Vamp blood is the new crack, yo. Anyhoooooo, on with the story.

This puts Sookie in a horrible spot. What does she do? Nobody can know she can read minds. She wants to keep it a secret because she doesn't want everyone to know that her perky boobs are in the forefront of everyone's thoughts. You have to know this, because Sookie is just so damned desirable. Even though everyone thinks she's spun. She decides to ask Jason for the chain he keeps in his truck so she can open a can of whoop ass on the Ratrays and foil their drainage plans. Okay, WTF? Who keeps chains in their truck? I have a yoga mat and windshield wiper fluid in the trunk of my car. I guess I better step it up if I want to get into street fighting. So she leaves the bar to get the chain from Jason's truck. A truck that has aqua and purple swirls on it. For real. I don't know one guy who would drive a truck like that.  I think Jason may have a case of fabulousness and is compensating by screwing all the inbreds in Bon Temps.

The anticipation of fighting the Ratrays is getting Sookie's panties all wet. Whoo!! She finds the demons (the Ratrays, not more vampires) about to drain Mr. Vampire of his precious blood and gives them a good beating with the chain. She's bad ass. Especially for her first chain fight. We find out how fucking awesome Sookie is. You know, because she's a waitress. So she beats the shit out of the Rattys with this chain and tells them to get the fuck out of there.

She starts to cuddle and baby-talk the vamp, and that's when we find out - she can't read vampires' minds!! What a twist!! I mean, now she can get funky with a dead dick and can't hear him think "Damn, I wish she'd hurry up and fake it so I can come". Wahoo! So they make some small talk, and Mr. Vampire wants to suck blood from her groin. Say what? That's pretty far out. But Sookie, being the proper Southern girl she is, tells him to mind his Ps and Qs. Nobody talks to Sookie like that. At least, not out loud. He apologizes because he's an old fashioned kind of gentleman (remember?), and we find out that he is Vampire Bill. Hello, Bill!!

So, once Sookie is done gushing (not blood) over meeting Bill, we discover she lives with her granny. The house actually has electricity, indoor plumbing and insulation (I'm not being a douche - she actually points this out!). She tells Granny that she met a for-real vampire, and Granny seems to get just as aroused as Sookie did.

I don't know why this information was important, but the reader is told that Sookie has 5 pairs of shorts, lots of white t-shirts and sleeps in a Mickey Mouse shirt. This may be important later (but I can tell you it's not). Night-night, Sookie. Sleep well after your ass-kicking session.

Jason comes over to Granny's house the next morning wondering why Sookie would beat up some people without inviting him. Ew, double-teaming with your sister. Gross. Yeah. Sookie proceeds to tell him all about her chain whipping action and how wet she got over the fight and Bill. I don't know if he's proud or what. Probably, because he's kind of a whore, so his sister getting all juiced up over another guy would probably put some shit in his spank bank.

Some family history is brought up. Sookie lives with Granny because her parents died, and Jason took the house when he turned 18. What an ass. She didn't put up a fight for it, so it's obvious she's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Over breakfast, Jason tells Sookie and Granny that someone died in Bon Temps last night!! Oh oh! A chick named Maudette Whocares. Turns out, she had fang marks right where Bill wanted to take a sip 'o' Sookie. Awkward!! Maudette, you scandalous tramp! Maudette was a frequenter of a vampire bar in Shreveport and was what you might call a fang-banger. A vampire groupie. Lived on the edge. But she wasn't drained, only strangled, so it's okay. The conversation ends with Granny wanting Bill to come and talk at one of her old lady meetings, and Sookie says she'll do her best (to sex him up, haha).

Sookie heads off to work, only to get a strip torn off of her by Sam. Not for leaving work early and then beating the shit out of someone in his parking lot. No, only for putting herself in danger. This turns Sookie on. Wow, when I get shit on by a boss (not literally), the last thing I think of is "Man, I could so do this guy right now". But some girls are like that. The horny feeling goes away once she starts working. As we’re told over and over again in the series, Sookie is a hard working lady.

Bill comes back into the bar, and Sookie hops like a bunny over to his table. Those bastards still haven’t gotten any blood for Bill, so she lines up another waitress for him to drink. Ha, no, kidding. She gives him more wine. I hope she’s not charging him for it, since he can't drink it anyhow. He asks her what she is (um, she’s a hot piece of ass, you moron), and she says “A waitress.”  This happens a lot in the series, as we will discover. Because people are stoopid.  So, yeah, she asks him if he can talk to her after work. We know what this means...bam-chicka-wow-wow!!

When Sookie’s done working, she goes outside and is pissed that Bill isn’t waiting for her. Geez, bitch, maybe he had something better to do. I mean, he just moved to Bon Temps and can only do business at night, so I’m sure there’s lots he has going on. Just because you’re Sookie and you saved his life doesn’t mean he’s your beck and call boy.  All of a sudden - WHAM!! And not the wake me up before you go-go kind. She starts having the living shit beaten out of her. Guess who it is...the Rattys! Thank god Bill did stick around (apparently, he doesn’t have better things to do, my bad) and kills ‘em up real good. He makes Sookie drink his blood, because she’s a gonna die if she don’t. She passes out for a bit and wakes up to...Bill licking her blood off her forehead. Sigh. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...

The chapter ends with Bill disappearing. Oh yeah, there was a dog growling while the fight was going on. Is this important later? Sure. Sure it is.

Overview:  Sookie is blonde, boob-tastic and can read minds (but not vampires' minds). There’s a vampire named Bill that just moved to Bon Temps. Sookie’s brother, Jason, is a womanizer and drives a gay ass truck. Sookie’s boss, Sam, is sex on a stick. Maudette is a dead fang-banger. Sookie almost dies, but doesn’t. That would ruin the whole series, wouldn’t it?

Stay tuned...