Sunday, August 19, 2012

Club Dead: Chapter 2 - Bill Goes on a Milk Carton

Sookie arrives home to find that Elvis Bubba is waiting for her. Eric has sent him to guard Sookie until someone else who is a bit more...with it can make it from Fangtasia. Sookie tells him he's not allowed to go to work with her, and tells him he has to sit in her car. Nice. He tells her he needs to be closer than that, and she says MAYBE he can stay in Sam's office. 

When they get to Merlotte's, Harris decides to give us some history - Sam bought it when it was a shitty bar and transformed it to the amazing hang out it has become. We also get another description of Sam. All in all, fairly boring. 

Sam says Bubba can stay in his office, and asks why Sookie needs to be guarded (good question, Sam). Of course, Sookie's smiling her creepy smile while this is going on. 

Out of the complete blue, some dude tries to punch Sookie. In an act of complete not over-reacting, Bubba kills him. Nobody knows who he is, but it turns out he's a werewolf. Um, what? Why the fuck would a werewolf be after Sookie, and why wouldn't we get a little bit of foreplay before Harris tries to shove this new twist up our asses?

Bubba saw this dude out in the parking lot waiting for Sookie. How the hell would he know that he was waiting for Sookie? Did he have, like, an airport sign? Anyhow, he had gags and other kidnapping paraphernalia. Another issue - a cop is heading towards the threesome (well, foursome, if you count the dead guy). Sookie tells him that the toilet is overflowing, and can't go pee. Sam mentions involving the police, and Sookie says there's no way to explain the dead dude. 

Sam and Bubba carry the dead guy out to the car, and Sookie gets to work cleaning up the murder scene. Kevin (the cop) comes back to see if he can pee, and he's given the green light to do so. Sookie stretches her mouth into her freaky grin again, and gets to work. Her co-worker, Charlsie, say it's a slow night, and points out the local drunk, Jane Bodehouse, to Sookie. Sookie doesn't like Jane. Not because she's a drunk, but because sometimes she tries to pick up dudes when she's drunk. Sookie talks to Arlene for a bit, and smiles at Arlene's newest conquest. Man, that Arlene gets around. I'm surprised she's Sookie's friend - she seems like a bit of a whore. Turns out that the werewolf asked Arlene about Sookie, but didn't know Sookie's name. Sookie thinks about how her kids didn't get their intelligence from Arlene, because Arlene's pretty stupid. I get now why they're friends - Arlene is either as stupid as or stupider than Sookie. Yeah, so Arlene told him when Sookie would be coming in and when she would be there. 

It's a slow night at Merlotte's. Turns out that even though the werewolf was wearing motorcycle gear, he drove a car there. You know, because people who drive motorcycles ride bikes and only bikes all the time. Also, the were is from Memphis. Sookie laments the cheapness of her customers (it sounds like she did a great job of ignoring them while she was aiding and abetting a murder). 

Pam comes into the bar and asks if Bubba made it to Bon Temps. Sookie says he did, and asks Pam what's going on. The big news? Bill is missing!! Sookie acts obtuse (another word of the day - I seriously have to wonder what kind of vocabulary she had before she got a calendar). The vamps are looking for Bill, but want to make sure that Sookie's safe as well. Yeah, I'm sure that would be at the top of their must-do list. 

Pam decides to take a look at the were's car to see if she can find anything. Sam asks when Bill went missing, and Pam tells him last night. He was supposed to call, but didn't. Eric calls, and wants to talk to Sookie. Sookie, for some stupid reason that I can't figure out, isn't talking, but Eric talks to her anyhow, because he can hear her breathing. Eric assures her that they will avenge Bill and protect Sookie. Sookie starts thinking about how Bill lied to her and might be dead. Sookie has a hard time getting into her car (because she's a fucking moron who forgets how to open car doors when she's upset - this isn't the first time this has been an issue, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last). Sookie then drives away from Merlotte's. 

Guess what? Sookie decides to get her bitch on again. She stomps around her house and puts on her...ahem...long-sleeved blue nylon nightgown. 

That Sookie is a sexy bitch. 

She starts wondering where Bill could be. Then she starts thinking about if Bill were dead, which would mean that she could go back to her "normal" life. Maybe she'd start fucking JB instead of Bill. You know, since JB is so stupid, she wouldn't have to worry about reading his thoughts. She also thinks that Bill might have left her his money, which would help her out. Then she starts thinking about how great it is to not hear vampires' thoughts. Sigh. I swear I've heard this somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the first two books. Then she starts thinking about her dead grandmother and her dead parents, and how they left her all alone too. 

Sookie gets into bed and starts crying, and thinking about how hard her life has been, and what a fucked up chick she is. She misses BIll and wants him there so he can listen to all her whiny complaints (which apparently includes cable for some reason). She drifts off to sleep thinking that she's not good enough for someone to want to share their life with. Um, dur, I could have told you that.

Overview:  Elvis is back in town, and is Sookie's bodyguard. Some dude tries to punch Sookie out, but Bubba kills him up good. Bill is missing.

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