Club Dead: Chapter 8 - Dude, Where's That Body?

Sookie, worn out from a night of ditching dead bodies with Alcide, just wants to take a nap, but they have some evidence covering up to do, so they get at it when they get back to Alcide's apartment. Sookie has some very, very, VERY late remorse about covering up a crime, but hey that's just life in Sookie's world. Alcide tells her not to sweat the small stuff, that something else will come up soon to fuck her life up and make this dead body dump and cover look as insignificant as a late fee at the library. Sookie then goes to take a nap. 

Something wakes her suddenly...it's a knock at the door!! Instead of going into the living room or wherever the door is like a normal person, she sneeks to the door of her bedroom and eavesdrops. Alcide is talking to someone about some dude named Jerry, and how he showed up at someone's apartment with a grievance about Alcide. Alcide tells mystery person that he (Jerry) hurt Sookie and that blood was drawn. This is quite the misdeed in the were culture, I guess. Alcide then says that Edgington stepped in took care of  the "hurting/disturbing Sookie" business, and the mystery person doesn't like that information at all. Finally, Alcide says the mystery person's name - Terrence. Anyhow, he pleads his innocence in the incident at the bar. Alcide reassures Terrence that he'll only be in town one more night, and that he won't make another scene. Ya, right Alcide. You're with Sookie. Sookie's a one woman drama factory. Terrence basically tells Alcide to make sure he keeps his nose clean. Should be no problem, since the ringleader that was involved in the scuffle is now dead. 

Eric shows up and taps at the window, startling Sookie as she eavesdrops. She motions to Eric to keep his bloody (haha) mouth shut. Alcide comes into the room when Terrence leaves, and Sookie tells him she heard everything. Alcide goes to the window to let Eric in. Eric's hair is in a ponytail and he's wearing glasses, so Sookie asks if he's in disguise. Sigh. Eric has a lot to learn in the area of disguise. Putting on glasses - isn't that how they fool people in Disney shows? Sookie drools a bit because Eric's wearing a suit. 

Alcide accuses Eric of putting a dead body in the closet and Eric asks if it was Bubba in the closet. Turns out Bill isn't the only missing vamp - Bubba is missing as well. Alcide fills Eric in on the shit that happened at the bar the night before and Eric asks to see her scabby shoulder. Eric then asks more questions about the body and where it might be located now. Alcide and Sookie share a meaningful stare (which I imagine to look like this...)

and they tell Eric how they dumped the body in the woods. Alcide mentions to Eric that the packmaster in Jackson came to see him, and that they seem to have gotten away with the body dump. Eric says that he'll be in the club tonight, and some other bullshit happens. Eric then tells Sookie that he's looked all over Jackson for Bill but there's no sign of him, and she'd better start getting used to the idea that Bill's really for real dead. Sookie almost faints (um, didn't she hear this might be the case before) and sheds a glistening tear from each of her blue eyeballs. Which Eric licks off her face to which I say whafaa? Who the fuck does this, and why would this be considered okay? Eric says they only place he hasn't checked is Edgington's pad (hmmm, I wonder where they might want to look...). Eric wants Sookie to tell him what Bill was working on, but since Sookie is the most clueless and useless panty-waste ever, she can't. Eric gets a little moody, to which Sookie replies by vowing to find her precious Bill. Eric tells Sookie that Edgington won't be swayed by Sookie's feminine wiles, and Sookie gets all pouty and asks how the fuck would Eric know. He mentions that some bi-sexual were's vamp girlfriend (yeah, it's just as stupid as it sounds) told him that Edgington is all about the cock (I think we knew this, but I can't remember and frankly...could give a sheet), and some wordplay is mentioned about "two natured" and shit. Sookie figures out that if Bill is anywhere, he's probably at Edgington's compound (to which I say a resounding "No shit, Sherlock). Eric looks at Sookie all sad-like, which makes Sookie all sad-like. 

Overview:  Making a body disappear makes Sookie tired. Sookie likes to eavesdrop. Eric cannot find Bill. He's probably at Edgington's manor/estate/prison. Most likely not vamp dead, but the everlasting wooden stake fucked up dead.

Club Dead: Chapter 7 - That's Not Old Mother Hubbard...

Since I've been such a bad blogger, I'm doing two chapters to make up for my lack of attention to the series...and to you guys!!

By the time Sookie gets back to Alcide, he's home. He's done something either to or for Sookie, but she decides to respect someone's privacy for once. She also notices a bit of a stench, which is funny because she just cleaned up someone else's house. Does that mean she's a dirty little oinker? Sookie tells Alcide that she'd gone to see Janice again, and they talk about Janice and her secret keeping skills (she knows about Alcide and has never told anyone...um, that's not being an excellent secret keeping, that's being a good sister). Alcide then mentions the funky smell in the house (it may be Sookie's funky underwear from the night before...). 

Janice's husband shows up and asks Alcide to help set up his Christmas lights. Wow, unable much? He says he left his kid at home since Alcide has a slut woman over. Sookie quotes the Bible at him and they both protest that Sookie's not there as a fuck buddy, at which time Sookie storms like a 5 year old into her room. After Alcide's brother-in-law leaves, Alcide invites Sookie to play Scrabble with him - hahahaha. That's one way to turn a woman off. Harris is sure to mention that even though Alcide went to college and is obviously smarter and more successful than Sookie, they are evenly matched because Sookie likes to read lady porn. 

As Sookie puts the game away, she brings up the rotten smell (I really wish it were Sookie's box, because that thing probably stinks like week old halibut). Turns out it's a dead werewolf someone's stuck in Alcide's cupboard. The were has been drained of his blood, and Sookie suggests calling the police. The were was at Club Dead the night before, and was one of the ones treating Sookie the way she really should be treated, and Alcide says that no-one would believe that they didn't have a hand in his death. Also, since the club is run by vampires and frequented by weres, they might be putting the police in a bad situation. Well thought, Alcide. Of course dumb-ass Sookie wouldn't think of that. They decide to wrap the were in a shower curtain and take him to the garage in the basement. 

To be inform us of completely useless information, Harris mentions that the shower curtain they use is blue, green and has yellow fish on it. Fuck.

Alcide pulls the were out of the cupboard (or closet, or whatever) and they duct tape the body into the curtain. Sookie mentions that real men always have duct tape somewhere. I guess I must be a real man then. Or just Canadian. Sookie says the fucking stupidest things. They laugh about how the corpse looks for a little while, then Sookie goes to get the elevator and be a look out. A man steps out of the elevator, and is very pleasant to Sookie, and makes some small talk with her. She bitches out and makes an excuse to ditch the poor guy. They finally get a clear shot at the elevator, and take the body to the 3rd floor (um, what?), then take the stairs to the basement. Why the fuck wouldn't they take the elevator all the way to the garage? What kind of condo building, if they have an elevator and a garage, doesn't have the elevator go to the basement or whatever? Anyhow...I guess that doesn't matter.

They drive the body out to the country in order to dump it.We're told that because Sookie watches the Discovery Channel, she's an expert in forensics. Alcide mentions that this night is a full moon, and when he looks at Sookie, his eyes are all fucked up. They discuss for 2 seconds who could have possibly killed the dude. Then they drive back into town.

As they do, they stop at a Wal-mart and Sookie thinks about how she hasn't bought anything for Bill this Christmas. I'll tell you something - if my boyfriend bought me a Christmas present at Wal-mart, he'd be missing at least one of his balls. 

When they get back in Alcide's truck, Sookie remembers she just got her nails done, but because she's such a crack criminal, her nails are fine. She gets a bit bummed out, and mentions this to Alcide, who says why should she be sad unless she killed the dude. They start talking about who may have killed the guy, and they can't really think of anyone. Except Debbie. Duh duh duuuuuuuh!!!

Since body dumping is hard work, they stop off at a diner to eat. They figure that the kill and stuff had to be done late at night...or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it, which leads them to talking about Eric, and then get bitchy at each other. Alcide says that Eric wants in Sookie's trousers, and Sookie spits back that Alcide is still in love with Debbie. They agree that they're better for each other than anyone else, but it can't happen. Right now. They're going to wait until Alcide is over Debbie and Sookie finds her tortured and possibly dead boyfriend and breaks up with him. Then they'll finally live happily ever after. Seriously, it says happily ever after. 

Overview:  Sookie, the dead body magnet, finds a dead body stuffed in Alcide's apartment. Sookie and Alcide decide to live out a shitty Taylor Swift song...take your pick, they're all shitty. These are seriously boring chapters. But I guess it's to get make the heat between Sookie and Alcide crystal clear. Okay, Harris, we get it. Sookie's hot and gives all the boys pant tents.