Dead Until Dark: Chapter 5 - No Wedding But A Funeral

The chapter begins with Sookie thinking about what happened at Fangtasia, and how she's now a vampire groupie of sorts.

The police force in Bon Temps has been out in force, questioning the vast amounts of men that Dawn slept with, and Detective Andy Bellefleur (you remember, Mr. Beautiful Flower?) is hanging out at Merlottes, and tries to sit in Sookie's section. This time, I don't think it's because he wants to bang her. It's because he suspects her of having mind-reading abilities (someone in Bon Temps who isn't a complete mental reject?) and is thinking pervy things, just to throw Sookie off her game. After trying to ignore Andy, she finally serves him and he's thinking of her and Jason getting it on (I'm kind of loving Andy right now) in order to provoke her. She dumps a drink on him, and Sam gets all concerned and swears. Oh my! What he says is "Son of a bitch," which Sookie finds shocking. Dude, I say that all the time. So, anyhow, Sookie starts being a crying baby, which results in Andy coming out to apologise. I wouldn't have apologised. I would have laughed. But then again, I'm a son of a bitch. Or daughter. Whatevs, it boils down to me being a bitch!! She tells Andy to call her Miss Stackhouse (to which I say bite me, you douche-bag) and tells him to catch the murderer instead of make her cry. Sam comes along swinging his arms (I picture him swinging them windmill style myself) and tells Andy he's not allowed to sit in Sookie's section anymore. Sam comforts Sookie and tells her to leave, but Sookie, because she's a dedicated and talented waitress, goes back to work.

When they go into the bar, Sam asks if it's true that Bill is going to speak at Gran's dead ladies club (no, that's not the name of it, but I could give a crap). Sookie says yes, and says no when Sam asks if she's planning on attending the old lady club. Then she gets all pissy when he doesn't come out and say what's on his mind, and wishes that men could just ball up and ask things they want answers to. Yeah, welcome to the minds of men, loser. Sam asks Sookie to go to the dead ladies club with him and she says yes.

Sookie heads home after this exchange, and Gran has supper all ready for Sookie (I guess she can't cook for herself), and kind of mumbles about whether or not Bill would have come if the meeting had been held in a church. Sookie, now an expert in all matters vampire, says yes because vampires don't really give a crap about religious stuff. Sookie tells Gran that she'll be going to the meeting with Sam, and Gran starts dreaming about grandkids because finally, Sookie has a date.

Sidebar: If Sookie is so hot, then how come she's never had a boyfriend? I mean, yeah, it would suck to be able to read the mind of the guy you're dating and find out he's thinking about your mom instead of you during sex (I just threw up in my mouth a bit - that would friggin' suck!), but you'd think that some people would meet her high standards, or at least be trying to get dates with her. But until Bill comes to town, it sounds like Sookie has had no action whatsoever. Okay, end of sidebar.

Sookie goes up and gets ready and guess what??!! We get a description of what she wears, right down to her earrings. It doesn't sound all that bad this time. She does, however, consider a denim jumper. When I Googled it, this is what I found:

Sexy, right? But she discards that idea because it's not quite nice enough. Urg. Fugly dress. So she wears khakis, a silk blouse (do they even make those anymore?), sandals, a belt and big gold earrings. Hey, it could be worse. It could be a denim jumper.

So, Sam comes to pick her up (right on time, I might add), and they leave for the meeting. They get there and some old perv comes up and comments on how hot Sookie is looking, and asks if Bill is, in fact, a friend of Sookie's. Sookie confirms this, and Mr. Norris (the old perv) asks if it's safe to be around a vampire. A valid question, in my opinion. Sookie says Bill is very nice, and no biting will be done. Forty people show up for the meeting, and this is considered to be a big turnout for a gathering in Bon Temps. Right on.

Bill comes in, and apparently florescent lighting does him no favours.  His skin is even more pale, his eyes are even more sunken and dark, but Sookie is still fascinated with his long fingers. Ooooohhhh!!

Bill starts telling the crowd about the civil war and his experiences, and people start to ask him questions, mainly about whether or not Bill knew their families. Bill tells a story about a soldier he knew, one of the relatives of the question-askers, and says how brave this soldier was. The crowd was in awe of this. I had to admit, it would be pretty cool to hear about how one of your ancestors could be considered a hero and how he survived the war.

When the meeting was over, Sam takes Sookie to a diner (what she calls a real dive) and has coffee. They talk about Bill's speech and Sam asks if Sookie likes Bill. She says yes, and Sam tells her she has no future with Bill. Sookie gets all pissy and asks what business it is of Sam's to tell her who she does and doesn't have a future with. Sam mans up and tells her that he has feelings for her - more than friendly feelings. This takes Sookie by surprise (because she's a tool), and she starts yelling at Sam because he waited until someone else was interested in her before telling her that. Nice. Someone finally gets the guts to tell you  he has feelings for you, and you get all cunty on him. Oh, then on the ride back, Sookie gets mad at Sam because it's an awkward ride home. I'd punch her in the throat, but that's just me.

When Sookie goes to get out of the truck, she falls out (because she's graceful) and Sam catches her and kisses her. But she thinks "This is my boss!!" and cuts the kiss off. She tells him she had a good time (it doesn't sound like she did) and goes into the house after Sam asking if she'd want to go on a date again (she said "we'll see", which means no).

She goes into the house and feels like there's something wrong. Everything looked right, but something is off. She can smell blood. She checks the rooms, and finally goes into the kitchen, and starts screaming. Bill grabs her and takes her into the living room. In a very round about way, we find out that Gran gave Bill a ride home, and he stayed to wait around for Sookie.  During that time, Gran has been killed. Which sucks.

Jason comes over as does Sam. We get more details on Gran's death. It was violent. It's kind of hard to be a bitch about this, because it is pretty sad. Sookie and Jason hug each other, and realize they're the only Stackhouses left in Bon Temps. Sookie says it was her fault Gran is dead, because obviously the murderer was there to kill Sookie. Jason wants to know how Sookie knows Bill didn't kill Gran, and Sookie says she just figures Bill isn't the killer of all these women.

I don't know how Jason knows this, but he tells her that Gran left her the house and the land. Jason's kind of pissed about this, but I don't see why - he has their parents' house and land without having to pay Sookie anything for it. Jason storms out, and Bill comforts Sookie by saying Jason can't handle the fact that Gran is dead and lashed out in anger. Which is probably the most intellectual thing said in this book so far.

Andy comes out of the house, and immediately zeros in on Bill. Sookie says "NO" and Bill gets all mushy and figures Sookie was protecting him all this time, and that Bill will be blamed for all the murders. I don't see how Sookie was protecting him. She wasn't an alibi. She wasn't a witness. She didn't plead for him. But whatever. She has been protecting him in a way that is never explained very well, or perhaps at all.

Bill and Sookie walk towards people, and Jason up and slaps her. Okay, now I heart Jason. He smacks her so hard, she falls down. Yeahhhhh, booooiiiiiieeee!!! Bill's fangs come out (because he's mad, not horned up) and Andy tells Bill to back off. Sam's all pissed off at Jason, but Jason's a huge ball of mess.

The next scene is at the funeral. There's some crap about the house and how Jason was right, then Sookie, instead of mourning her grandmother, starts thinking about how she'll have to bear all the costs of running the house. Maxine Fortenberry asks if Sookie is going to sell the house and Sookie says no, that there are more good memories in the house than bad. Maxine then asks if Bill will be at the funeral, and Sookie says no, because it's in the daytime (dur). Maxine tells Sookie how great it was that Bill spoke at the dead ladies club and because of that, more people got to know him and bla bla bla.

So, yeah, the whole town turns out for the funeral, and everyone is super sad. Sookie, the spiritual woman she is, feels something fly up into the sky and from that knows that Gran is where she belongs. Bye-bye, Gran.

At the wake, some woman comes up and asks where Gran's brother is (this is kind of important later - that you know there's a great-uncle and that he wasn't welcome at the funeral). This woman brought a taco salad (what a bitch, everyone knows you bring casseroles to wakes!). The chapter ends with Jason saying he'll let the great-uncle know that Gran is dead.

Sorry that this wasn't as bitchy as usual - it's hard to be a bitch about someone dying. Don't worry - my usual cuntiness will return upon the next chapter.

Overview:  Sookie goes on a date with Sam. Bill gives a speech for old people. Gran dies. Jason knocks Sookie out (and I gain respect for Jason).

Dead Until Dark: Chapter 4 - Fangtasia, Here We Come!!

It turns out that a lot of people in Bon Temps think Bill had a hand in the murders. Gee, I wonder why - new vampire in town and women start dying. On the other hand, the other people in town kind of think they deserved it for being slutty. Jason is also thrown in as a suspect in the murders, because he fucks anyone and these women fall into anyone category. Sookie shows her douchey side by being happy that Jason is under suspicion because it's the first time he's ever had to worry about something. Great sister, huh? Don't think about the fact that he has a crappy job cutting trees for the city. Be happy that he MIGHT learn about responsibility by being a prime suspect for the murders of two women. Cunt.

Sookie gets ready for her date with Bill, which is to be at the vampire bar in Shreveport. She wonders if she should wear spandex (because you know, it's all the rage in Hickville, Nowhere), but decides on a dress. I don't know why we're always subjected to descriptions of the craptastic clothes that Sookie wears, but it basically boils down to the dress she's wearing make her tits stick out and look great and big. She looks like such a whore that Gran subtly suggests that she put a sweater on to cover her dirty pillows, but she refuses. Because she's trying to get Bill's motor runnin'.

Sookie gets a phone call from Sam to come in and pick up her paycheque. I'm not sure why he has to call her to tell her it's ready. Any job I've ever had, it's been ready on the same day and most places use direct deposit. But I guess it's a small business. Harris does this seemingly to make sure Sookie gets to show off her slut-dress to her co-workers and to emphasise again how desirable Sookie is to Sam. Sookie, being the innocent and sweet girl she is, doesn't understand why Sam leans over and sniffs her neck and pops a boner before she leaves. She seems quite puzzled by it. Artard.

When Sookie gets back home after picking up her cheque, Bill is sitting on the couch and seems disturbed by Sookie's (lack of) clothing. Gran gets pissed off at him for not trying to hump Sookie right in front of her, but Bill sweet talks her and everything is okay. This is kind of funny - Gran tells Bill not to drink too much. I think Gran passed her brains down to Sookie.

As they're driving, Sookie apologises for her outfit, and Bill says it's just too provocative and that he's figuring he's going to have to kill someone at the bar because she's so hot and he has to protect her. Because Sookie's a hot piece of ass. Thank God it keeps getting emphasised, because I don't think I've had to mention it enough thus far in this post.

They get to the bar, and Sookie gets ID'ed by a vamped up vamp. The door vamp says it's just because she can't tell how old humans are anymore. I think Harris is trying to tell us that Sookie is young and beautiful. Which would be out of the ordinary, wouldn't it? When asked by the door vamp why they haven't seen Bill lately, he tells the door vamp that he's mainstreaming, which means he's trying to live among humans.

We're given a quick overview of Fangtasia, the vampire bar. Lots of Dracula shit, red, dark, very spooky. The people in the bar are either fang-bangers or tourists. Fang-bangers dress like they think vamps should dress - capes, fake fangs, fake blood and bite marks on their necks. Then there are the vampires. Strangely, nothing much is said about how they dress. Just that they wear dark clothes.

Bill orders a bottle of fake blood and Sookie orders a gin and tonic (maybe this is considered sophisticated?), and the bartender's fangs come out a bit. That's how vampires show they're horny. Because everyone wants to fuck Sookie. Sookie asks the bartender some questions, and shows him a picture of Maudette and Dawn. She also shows him a picture of Jason. The bartender says he's seen Maudette and Dawn but not Jason. But he makes a comment alluding to the fact that he'd like to take on both Stackhouses. Yeah, I'm sure he's the first to ever think that. The bartender makes a comment on how Dawn wanted to die, because everyone who goes to Fangtasia wants to die, because vampires are death. I think that's Harris's attempt to be dark and poetic.

Sookie and Bill sit down and talk a bit. A fang-banger comes up and tries to tempt Bill into drinking from her instead of a bottle. Sookie gets all jealous and pissy, even though Bill turns the fang-banger down and basically tells her to fuck off. This woman is the first of a handful of people to proposition Bill.

Now, what I find funny is that Sookie seems to have complete disdain for fang-bangers, yet I'd like to really see what's so different about her. I mean, through the series she basically turns away anyone who isn't a vampire, or if she does let them get their dinkies sticky, it doesn't last long. Not the sex (sometimes we're told in detail about it), but the relationships. Whatever. Sookie is a self-deluded fang-banger. Deal with it, right? Right!

After Bill has turned away some weird crying dude from the table, he tells Sookie that a tall blond drink of vampire has been checking her out. He's wearing boots, jeans and a vest. This is apparently hot attire in Shreveport, if not anywhere else. Seriously. This is...Eric.

Yum. Disregarding the aforementioned outfit and thinking purely of Alexander Skarsgard, how delicious is he? Sigh. Sorry, had to wipe the drool off my keyboard. 

Sookie and Bill walk over to Eric and a chick vamp who's sitting with them. They've been telling people to fuck off and leave them alone all night. What are the bets they'll do the same to Sumptuous Sookie? That would be a stupid bet to make. So don't. Eric and Pam (the chick vamp) talk to Sookie for a while, and Bill says she wants to ask some questions (re: Maudette and Dawn). But Pam makes fun of her, assuming she wants to ask the usual questions like do they sleep in coffins, etc. Sookie says those aren't the questions she wants to ask, and Pam, for some reason, is amazed. I have no frickin' idea why she's amazed. Maybe vampires are just as big of morons as the rest of the people in Bon Temps. You'd think not, but they're written pretty stupid sometimes. So she shows Eric the pictures, and he says that Dawn liked pain, and he knows that because he gave it to her. Oh, and Pam says Maudette was pathetic. So, we have two whores, one into S&M and one who will take sex from anyone willing to give it. Those are the end of Sookie's questions. Of course, Eric wants to have Sookie but Bill puts the kibosh on that. 

Sookie and Bill leave Eric's table and Bill tells Sookie that since Eric is older (much older) than Bill, Eric could have had Sookie if he wanted. Sookie is aghast by that assumption, but then again, she's pretty stupid. Sookie makes an unladylike sound (I think it's either a fart or a burp) and kind of yells at Bill for the fact that she had to ask him out (very pro-feminist, loser) and that he hasn't asked her out at all. So Sookie doesn't feel like she has a right to ask him not to go with the fang-bangers for a suck of blood. Bill comes back with the fact that Eric's hotter than him and is amazing at sex (yeah, that's a great way to keep a girl focused on you). But Sookie doesn't want Eric. She wants Bill. So then they're both happy. Bill goes to get more drinks, and Eric tries to glamour Sookie from across the room. Bill gets mad, because didn't Bill just tell Eric that Sookie was his? What an asshole!! But seriously, if Eric has women coming up to him all the time, why would he waste his time on a crappy waitress who seems slightly mentally disabled? (Yes, I do know why, but I can't say anything until I come to that book.)

Once again, Sookie doesn't like the fact that she's been claimed (wow, the feminist side comes out) but Bill says it's to protect her. But somehow, Sookie thinks that she's protecting him. From what? No fucking idea. Maybe from people thinking he's a murderer, but I don't think so. So, after this exchange, Sookie decides to spy on people's brains and pronounces them boring. Because she's such a font of education, culture and excitement. All they're thinking about is sex. But not Sookie. Because she's a virgin. But oh my!! Sookie finds out that one of the tourists is actually an undercover cop, and knows that a vamp is feeding in the bar (illegal). The cop has called for backup already. Bill tells Eric there's about to be a raid on his bar, and Eric wants to know how he could possibly know that. Sookie pipes up and says it's because of her (once again...artard). Seriously, she wants to keep a low profile and this is how she does it? Okay, idiot. She admits to reading the policeman's mind, and Eric finds this delightful. So, Eric and  his posse get away, as do Sookie and Bill. 

Bill pulls his car over into a darkened lot (sexy) and starts to mac on Sookie. Sookie gets all kinds of turned on, and bites Bill. Um, say what? Whatever. He tells her not to do that, because he'll cum all over her. No, that's not what he says, but he puts her hand on his gi-normous boner to show how much he likes it. Then the cops show up. They say the shops are closed (dur) and what the hell are they doing there. They want to see Bill and Sookie's necks to make sure they're not vampires, and since neither of them have bite marks on their necks, they're sent on their way. This is a gem of a line from the book: "And by golly, he shone that old flashlight on my neck and then on Bill's." Seriously. Direct quote. By golly. 

Bill was pretty pissed off that he didn't get Sookie's hand directly on his turgid penis (haha, yeah, I've read a couple of shit-tastic faux-mances in my time), and Sookie is happy that he is mad that she didn't jack him off. Anyhow, they get to Sookie's house and Bill, the proper gentleman he is, boner and all, opens the door for Lady Sookie. Not used to having gallant guys around apparently, Sookie is all confused, because her arms work enough to open doors and she does know how to open doors, bla bla bla. Shut up, you fuck-tard. He's being nice and opening a door for you. Idiot. IDIOT!! Anyways, Sookie leaps to an assumption that Bill doesn't want to kiss her anymore and that he wants Pam instead of her, and whines that she won't ask him out on dates anymore and won't bother him anymore. He kind of calls her a moron. I'm not sure exactly how to put what happens next, but let's just leave it that Sookie's a dildo. 

The chapter ends with Bill kissing Sookie on the forehead and says good night. Sookie thanks him for taking her to Fangtasia, and tell him she won't be calling him anymore (so there, Bill) and runs in the house and slams the door in Bill's face.  

Overview:  Sookie dressses like a slut again. Bill takes Sookie to Fangtasia, a vampire bar in Shreveport. We meet Eric. Maudette is an ex-pathetic slut. Dawn is an ex-slutty slut. Jason is under suspicion for murder, and Sookie likes it. Bill gets boners. And Sookie is fucking stupid.