Club Dead: Chapter 13 - Danger at the Gas Station

Eric and Sookie are walking to their sweet, sweet ride when Eric calls Sookie out on constantly bailing out on Bill. She tells Eric to mind his own fucking business and that from now on, she's just going to hang out with normal, breathing people. Eric basically says "Yeah, try going back to regular people after having been bang-bang-bangity-banged by vampires, who don't get tired ever and can probably go for days and days. Need to put up my favourite bang song...

So, Sookie decides that maybe she should just jump on the single train for a while. She starts thinking about Ann Landers...sigh. Apparently, she and Jason read Ann Landers all the friggin' time because, um, that's what people do growing up in Louisiana. 

Sookie starts mulling over how fucked up her life has been since she met Bill and then about how much better he's made her life, and going back and forth and bla bla bla. She starts mentally bitching about how Eric's not talking to her during their long ride back from Alcide-ville to Bon Temps. They stop for gas and she needs to drain her lizard. Eric needs to gas up the car (I can't imagine why a huge gas guzzling car would need to fill up) and Sookie notices a "peroxide blonde" filling up a car. Sookie, fuck you. Fuck you so hard in the ear. I believe in one of the books Harris mentions her getting highlights...and I think it might be mentioned in this book. Whatever. Suck mah bloggy balls. Oh, and she's got some dark roots. Okay, so she's a typical wench from Bon Temps. Congratulations. You know, you gotta wonder why Sookie doesn't listen in on her thoughts (and those of some dudes talking in a pick up truck) if she thinks something hinky is going on. But then, sometimes I just make too much sense. I'll try to stop that. 

Sookie goes into the bathroom (and doesn't bother shutting the door tight behind her) and does her business, then gets grossed out about how shitty she looks. When she leaves the bathroom, she sees that the store is getting robbed. Now, it's been a while since I've read the book in the entirety so I have to say now...wha fa? What the fuck is going on? Will there be a point to the store getting robbed? Let's read on and see. 

Sookie starts reading their thoughts and they don't know that she's there. Man, she must have been in that bathroom for a long time. Maybe dropping the Browns off at the Superbowl? Then she wonders where Eric is, and she gets all bitchy (surprise) and thinks that Eric left her...just like Bill. Jesus fuck. 

So, the robbers ask if they've seen a skanky looking blonde come in. Okay, they didn't say skanky looking, but we all know the truth. The store clerk says he didn't notice (he's lying - he can see her) and Sookie thinks how lucky she is to be wearing sweatpants and slippers. Uh, okay. The clerk distracts the robbers/possible kidnappers by saying a car pulled up and Sookie sneaks out. Sookie does her patented duck walk (do you remember the previous video?) and steals the clerk's keys to his truck and grabs a gun out of there. 

Okay, I know I'm from Canada and guns aren't huge out here, but really...honestly...do people really have guns in their cars in the US? This is a for-real question. Because in no way, shape or form would I go into someone's car/truck/SUV and expect there to be a gun anywhere in there. If someone broke into my car, all they'd maybe want to take is my Chewbacca bobble head.

I love my Chewbacca. He protects my car from the Dark Side.

What I learn from Sookie stealing a gun is that now there is silver put into shotgun shells to be able to affect vampires. Effect? I had this discussion at work. I think it's affect. Maybe effect. Feel free to educate me. So Sook wonders again where Eric is while she loads the silver laced shotgun shells. Oh, and she steals a knife too. Sookie sneaks around to the front-ish of the store again and Eric then sneaks up on her. I guess the two mean dudes are beating the shit out of the clerk. Sookie tells Eric they need to save the guy and Eric doesn't see the point. Eric tells her to give him the gun but Sookie, being a southern red-neck, tells him to fuck off and starts shooting the shit out of an innocent ceiling. She tells the bad boys to let the clerk go and we get, of course, a description of the guys. The only think that is of note (to me, anyhow) is that Harris describes one of the guys hair as "no colour hair". What is that? I'm not sure. She says people call it brown because there's no other descriptor. I tried Googling it to try and get a picture, but there's no such thing as no colour hair. Farg. 

Eric starts questioning the guys about who sent them and one of the guys says "Hounds of Hell". Which is a motorcycle gang. That makes more sense. I mean...it's gotta be werewolves, right? Otherwise, that's just a stupid name. Sookie asks how they found them, and they tell her that they were to watch out...ahem...time for a quote: "A big dark guy and a tall blond guy. With a blond woman, real young, with nice tits". You know, in case you forgot for a second that Sookie has tits. Eric punches him. Nobody talks that way about his tit-bag. After some discussion, turns out that the vamps don't know these motorcycle guys are on the look out for Sookie and Eric. Eric decides it's time to get the hell out of Dodge and glamours the guys to make them forget about seeing himself and Sookie.

As they head off on the road, Sookie asks Eric where the fuck he was while she was duck walking all over the gas station. The guys thew a silver net over Eric then hit him with a gun. Now, that to me doesn't make sense. If you're a bad ass dude, why wouldn't you shoot him with your gun instead of just hitting him with the butt of it. Sigh. Maybe they didn't want to attract attention, but I can't see that being a huge issue. Whatevs. Then when Eric was free, he was figuring out how to save Sookie and the clerk-dude. Which pisses Sookie off. Eric asks what the fuck her problem is and tells her to fix her driveway (lol) and Sookie unloads on him.

She's sick and tired of vampire bullshit and taking time off work to help them deal with their vampire shit. She's poor and needs her tips from her tits and her paycheque from work, and wah wah wah. Eric mentions Bill and Sookie starts whining about how Bill never gives her money and more wah wah wah. Okay, again I say wha fa? I've had multiple boyfriends (not at the same time) and I've never asked them for money. Jesus. Eric asks her what happened to the money she got paid for her job thing in Dallas and she paid bills with it. She starts stomping to her house and she tells Eric there's someone in there (with really no lead up or anything, just kind of confusingly out of nowhere), and she opens the door and gets busted up. 

Overview:  Sookie takes a piss, finds out people are after her, Bill and Eric, and shoots up a gas station. Then moans and pisses (this time not literally) that she has no money and that for a sugar daddy, Bill sucks the big one. 

Club Dead: Chapter 12 - Soooo, What You Been Up To, Bill?

Holy shitballs, it's been a long time between posts. Urg. I was honestly having a hard time facing Sookie again. But, as season 7 of True Blood approaches (the final season!!), I have decided to be a better person and put my nose to the grindstone. Anyhow, onward and upward.

So, being pushed from behind, Sookie decides Debbie must be the culprit. Sookie keeps herself calm by breathing. She hopes that when Bill wakes up, he'll be able to get them out of the car. Then Sookie thinks...Bill will probably wake up hungrier than hell. And who's a sack full of delicious blood? Sookie, that's who. She starts worrying that he won't be able to stop feeding on her until it's too late. She recalls thinking about an article she once read (yeah, right...I bet it was a cartoon or something) where there should be emergency latches in cars. She finds the one in the Lincoln but it was disabled. She thinks for 2 seconds that Eric disabled it because he's a jealous dead man, but seriously...seriously? What a fucktard. So she sits...well, lays in the trunk and ponders life. Since she only has 2 brain cells to rub together, it's nothing too original. 

Bill starts waking up, and Sookie tries to feed him bottles of blood that she's found in the car. I have no idea why there are, but there they are. But, of course, Bill prefers Sookie over some stanky old bottles of True Blood. Why does he stop? Because Sookie pinches his ear. And it hurts him. Seriously. Bill asks Sookie if she's okay, and she says no, then (rightly so) feels guilty about being a whiner because it's Bill who's been tortured for who knows how long. Really, I can't remember how long he's supposed to have been tortured for, because I'm a bad little blogger. Bill thinks they're in a closet (and they're having sex...I knew they were kinky buggers) and when Sookie tells him they're in a trunk, he superhero punches a hole in the car truck. Sookie explains where they are (Alcide's garage) and Bill wonders who the fuck Alcide is. Then Sookie tells Bill that Eric is on the way. She debates whining about Bill leaving her or saying she forgives him because...ahem...she is "faithful unto death". Yeah, right.

Eric shows up and Sookie faints. That's all I have to say about that. Yawn.

When she comes to, all three of her fans are there: Eric, Alcide and Bill. She calls them the Three Musketeers. God, I want to slap her, as she lays there thinking about how much they all want to fuck her. Sookie tells them that she was asked to the crucifixion that night and they start quizzing her about it. They start wondering who it is that is going to be crucified. Sookie thinks it might be Elvis Bubba and Eric gets really angry about it. They decide to rescue Bubba. Alcide worries that Sookie might get into trouble because she's a murdering rescuer. Eric gets a boner thinking about how Sookie killed Lorena. 

Eric argues that if the people at Edgington's don't know that Sookie rescued Bill, she'd probably be welcome in Edgington's house. Eric starts to muse about how they could get Sookie back in. I don't know why, but this kind of talk makes Alcide happy and want to call Debbie. This pisses Sookie off royally...how dare he think of any other woman in her company?? So she tells Alcide that she thinks Debbie's the one who locked her in the trunk of a car (haha, Tragically Hip reference for any Canadians reading out there), and the vamp boys try to figure out why some dumb ass were would try to hurt Sookie. Alcide explains that it's because Sookie was his "girlfriend" at Club Dead and that Debbie must be a jealous psycho bitch. Sookie wonders why she can't just call Edgington's house to see who the lucky winner of an evening trip to Crucifixion-ville is. For some reason, they agree to this. You know, because they'd just tell anyone who calls who they're planning on crucifying. 

Sookie calls and asks to talk to Betty Joe (um...Joe? Why not Jo?) who is the person/vamp she saved. Betty Joe gets on the phone and is kind of a bitch to her. Which, of course, makes me like Betty Joe a little bit. Sookie asks if Bubba is there, and Betty Joe says yes. Sookie tells her that Bubba isn't an impersonator, but is the real thing and Betty Joe trips out. I guess they were going to crucify him, but Betty Joe intercepted in time. Oh, and I noticed a typo - Betty Joe has turned into Betty Jo. Great proof reader you have there. So, the crowd at Edgington's gets excited because hey - maybe he'll sing for them. While Eric talks to Betty Joe about them keeping Bubba for a while, Sookie wonders why nobody has mentioned that Bill and Lorena are missing. 

Sookie starts spiralling, thinking about that dude, Jerry, she killed and wondering if anyone had found him yet. She starts bemoaning her life and how it's turned to shit after she met Bill and got involved in vampire drama. Um, bitch, you have no one to blame but yourself. 

Alcide gets a call and yells at everyone to get into the empty apartment next to his. Bill carries Sookie into the apartment (she is, once again, unable to walk for some reason) and Sookie thinks about how much she wants to fuck Bill some more, then feels sex guilt. Lol. The guys are listening in on Alcide and his visitor, and it turns out his visitor is Debbie. 

Debbie's going off on Alcide, being a bitch about his sister, and about Sookie. Alcide is telling her how hot Sookie is in bed...which is probably a lie anyhow. Sookie likes some deep fanging, not banging. Oh, how clever am I...

Bill gets all jelo, and Sookie goes off, saying that she and Alcide didn't sleep together, but Bill had no problem laying the bone to Lorena and leaving Sookie all alone. She chokes him (or tries to) and Bill just lays there. Blah.

Bill starts explaining what happened to him a bit. The queen was asking him about his computer program, the one that keeps a record of all the vamps in the US of A. He was also putting photos or drawings of the ones he knew. Sookie wonders why the queen wanted it, and Bill makes mention that it would be easier to take it from him rather than collaborate or buy it from him. Bill makes mention that all vamps, even those who don't necessarily want to be, are in his little directory. 

Sookie gets tired of all the drama-rama that's going on in both apartments, and tells Eric to take her home. In the Lincoln. Ride that pony. 

Overview: Sookie figures out that it was Debbie that shut her in the trunk, and Alcide and Debbie have a big fight. We find out that Bill is making a Vampire Yellow Pages directory. Wouldn't a Linked In profile be easier?

Club Dead: Chapter 11 - Rescues, Killings and Trunk Issues

Sookie sneaks out of Edgington's mansion, and steals a jacket because it's a bit cold out. What I don't get is that this bitch feels bad for stealing a jacket. She'll kill someone with no second thoughts, nevermind the fact that these people have kidnapped and are probably torturing the fuck out of her boyfriend. But taking a jacket...oh no, Sookie's moral compass finally shows.

Seems Sookie has hit a spot of luck - there are no vampires or people loitering around. Seem to good to be true? Any normal person would think so, but let's see, shall we?

She walks around a closed up pool and makes her way to the stables/garage. Sookie is very impressed by the garage, even though it doesn't have any doors. Yup, no doors makes a garage low class. Brought to you by Trailer Park herself. She does see a door as she's counting vehicles (four, in case you were wondering, which no one was) and almost comes because she's so relieved...because she has a car and thinks of her boy toy (Bill, not Eric) that's behind the one door in the garage. She starts the car and goes to clean out the truck so she can stick Bill in the trunk after rescuing him.

It seems that Sookie has brought along a memento of her stabbing - the stake. Who wants to be that will come into play if she needs it? Any bets? Is anyone that stupid? Nope, it's just that Harris is that obvious.

Sookie starts creeping around again and finally opens the door to where Bill is being kept. She's horrified. He's covered in silver chains, burned and all bloody. She approaches Bill, who's been sleeping/unconscious and he wakes up because he smells her (prolly her smelly, smelly vag). Sookie gets the key off the wall (you know, because that's where a master of torture keeps keys to their prisoner) and marvels about how strong Eric's blood has made her. She unwinds the yards of silver chain to get Bill out of them and they start to make their way out to the car Sookie has. They're stopped by an accented blond vampire who calls Sookie Bill's bitch. Oh oh mystery vamp...nobody calls Sookie a bitch and gets away with it. The mystery vamp? Bill's maker, Lorena (though I don't think you're supposed to know that yet, but I could give a crap). 

Sookie grips her stake and fumes over being called what she is. Lorena jumps on Sookie and, to my utter lack of surprise (for what seems like the millionth time in this series) stakes the hell out of her and says to Bill "Well, I killed her ass." Eloquent, Sook. Very eloquent. Also, her moral compass seems to have been lost in the last 5 minutes that she stole a jacket. She wraps what used to be Lorena in a blanket and makes plan to ditch the body, something Sookie is very proficient at. Sookie asks Bill if Lorena was the one who tortured him, and he says yes. She also wonders why a person named "Lorena" would have an accent. Um, why the fook do you have an accent, Sookie? Oh, that's right, because you're a hick from Bon Temps and are named Sookie. I'm surprised you can speak in complete sentences. 

Sookie gets Bill safely into the trunk and goes back to get rid of Lorena's body, figuring that if the body was gone, the people  at Edgington's house might figure that Lorena took Bill somewhere to keep torturing or whatever. Sookie lifts a pool cover and kicks her into the empty-ish pool. 

Sookie gets into the car and marvels over the luxury of the huge, gas guzzling Lincoln she's driving, then over Edgington's white, white mansion. She gets to the gate and chats with the werewolves standing guard. They ask her how her stake wound is, she says fine, and one of the weres (Doug, in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't) asks if she's going to come back for the crucifixion. Sookie wonders "whaafaa?" and leaves, immediately getting lost. She looks at a map that's in the car, and I know what you're thinking. How the hell is she going to figure out where to go if she doesn't even know where the fuck she is. She goes to a gas station and a lady at a gas pump help her to get back to some friggin' highway.  Then they stand there and grin at each other. Yeah, that's our Sook, grinning freak that she is. Sookie wants to tell this lady that Bill's all fucked up in her trunk, then thinks better of it.

Sookie drives away and goes over Bible scripture in her head. You know, because she's such a good Christian. Sookie gets back to Alcide's house even though she doesn't remember how to get there (she figures that there can't be too many 5 story buildings in Jackson - solid logic...) and a guard person at Alcide's house lets her in after Sookie promising not to rat on him for taking a shit during his shift. Sookie parks the car in the parkade and immediately falls asleep in the car. You know, because going into Alcide's apartment and actually sleeping in a bed would be too much effort. When she wakes up, she has to take a look at Bill before heading into the apartment, and when she opens the trunk, someone pushes her in. Oh oh...

Overview:  Sookie finds Bill and rescues him. Sookie feels guilty about taking a jacket because she's cold but has no problem killing a vampire. Sookie gets lost, finds her way to Alcide's house, and falls asleep in the car, only to get shoved in the trunk when she finally wakes up.

Another Post Is Coming - I Promise

This summer has been so bonkers, I'm working on a new post, I swear. I don't mean to be such a douche and leave it hanging, but...argh. I'm thinking in the next day or two, I'll be able to look at that book again and suffer through...for you guys!!

XOXO,

A

The Last Sookie Book

Hey all. Well, I've had the (mis)fortune of reading the last book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, and I can tell you it's a full-form shitfest. Stop reading here if you don't want to know what happens. 

Okay, really? All of Sookie's enemies die? And she ends up with Sam? Sigh. Everything comes up Sookie. I'd be surprised if Harris doesn't try to take one last kick at the can and have Sookie delivering a vat of puppies sometime in the near future. 

That's all I'm going to say for now, and will go into detail when I cover the book. I promise!!

Club Dead: Chapter 10 - Plans?? We Don't Need No Stinking Plans!!

Now, since Sookie's in bed, you know that everyone she's ever met will be in the bedroom. Sookie asks what the fuck is going to happen to her, and some strange vamp she's never met is about to help her. She's introduced to him and she says...ahem..."How de do?" I must ask...do people really say that? Like, really really? Because I think I'd have to slap a bitch if someone said that to me. Sookie makes a comment about how it's ironic that, in a room full of vamps, a human (her, specifically) was the one who was staked. I guess the vampire she was talking to (Ray Don, to be exact) is a fucking moron, because either he doesn't know what ironic means (which is what Sookie believes) or he just looks like a dumbass. Now, I'm confused, because who doesn't know what ironic means? Or the new Alanis-Morrissette-version of what ironic means. My pet peeve, sorry. Ironic is saying one thing but meaning another, and I'm not sure how that falls into play here, but then Harris may not know what ironic means either. From Mirriam-Webster dictionary: irony - the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning. 

Grrr. 

Anywhooooo, turns out that Ray Don has lots of healing powers in his spit which is why he's going to be helping Sookie out with her gaping hole...no, not that one, the one from the stake. So, Ray Don gets his juices flowing (haha) by sucking some little twink's blood and Sookie stares at Ray Don's crotch and sees him, erm, growing in anticipation. When R.D. is done with the twink, he goes to attend to Sookie. Eric tries to calm Sookie down, who is about to freak out (yeah, as if she's never been fed on before?) but it doens't work. Sookie starts screaming like a mo-fo, but Eric, being a wonderful and caring person, helps Sookie to float away. Away where? Who the fuck knows. Just away. 

When she comes to, her dress is off, but her undies are still on. She's all in a knot about Eric being in bed with her. Her wound is much better when she looks and she thanks Eric. Eric makes a suggestive comment which gets Sookie all fucking mad again, but when he kisses her, she gets all wet. Just as she's going to rip her panties off, Bubba bursts in. Sookie and Bubba make small talk (why are you here, are you okay, etc). Bubba asks what the fuck is she doing in bed with Eric when her boyfriend is Bill (and still missing, btw). Eric explains that he's just there to donate some blood (and maybe sperm?) to Sookie, and that Bubba is to look around for Bill and say nothing to anyone, except to introduce himself. 

Sookie and Eric discuss how they're going to get Bill out, and it's decided that they will cover him with a blanket as soon as Sookie gets all 'roided up on Eric's blood. It's decided that Sookie will take Bill to Alcide's underground garage, and while they're discussing, Sookie takes a look up Eric's underwear leg hole and gets all wet again. Eric tells her to calm the fuck down and just suck. Suck his blood that is, you perverts!! Harris goes on and on about the beautiful gift that Eric is giving Sookie and once again, I could give a fuck about a page and a half of filler. Oh, one interesting thing does happen. Eric spoofs all over Sookie's back while she's sucking him off. 

The twink vamp comes back with some clothes for Sookie, and I guess this dude has just as bad of taste in clothes as Sookie does - he gives her a light blue sweats and a ??silk bathrobe?? for some reason. Sookie pretends to be disgusted by the huge amount of jizz on her back. We all know she loves it. 

We get a breakdown of the bathroom Sookie goes into to change. Seriously. Who really gives a flying fuck? She showers, wipes the cum off her back and goes back to the bedroom where she left Eric. Bubba has returned with news that he's found Bill. Bill is being kept in a garage by the pool (a description of the pool is given, for no reason at all that I can discern).  Bill's got 3 vamps standing guard over him at night, and has werewolves looking after him during the day. Luckily there's a full moon and Sookie figures the wolves will be all tired out during the day, what from wolfing out the night before. 

The plan: Sookie pretends to be weak (ha, pretends...), Eric pretends not to know Bill or Sookie, and they're going to somehow smuggle Bill out in the trunk of a car. So far, that's about it. They say it's a shitty plan. I agree. The twink comes in and after some asinine bullshit, he tells Sookie that she should go back to Alcide the day after the full moon - after Alcide is done whooping it up with the local wolves. 

Eric manages to get Sookie a car with a big trunk and tells her as she's drifting off to sleep where it's parked. Sookie notices that they're both glowing, which doesn't get mentioned really at all. Thanks, Harris. We get a full scale rundown of a fucking bathroom, but nothing about people glowing? Moron. Anyhow, as Eric departs he mutters to Sookie that he doesn't like having feelings. Yeah, because Sookie's the only one who made him feel during his many, many years on Earth. Okay.

Overview: Sookie gets healed by a twinkie vamp, then drinks a lot of Eric's blood. He does not jizz in his pants, but all over the Sookmeister's back. Eric and Sookie make a half-assed plan to save Bill, who is in a garage.

Club Dead: Chapter 9 - Stake to the Heart, and You're to Blame

Sookie is getting ready to whore up again go to Club Dead. Instead of wishing she weren't involved in all this bullshit (dating vampires, going to werewolf clubs, finding dead bodies in closets), she instead wishes she were attending a regular, run-of-the-mill vampire club. We get a review of how awesome Fangtasia is. Blah. She gets her sexy little stockings on and thinks of her friend, Arlene. I think this is a hint towards her lesbianism. This rides along with the fact that she used to play softball. But that's just my opinion. 

For the club, she wears: 

A barely there champagne coloured dress (sounds actually half decent);

And jet earrings (I know these probably aren't what Harris meant, but Go Jets Go!!).

And black heels, which eases my mind, because yeah, you don't wear black fucking heels with a champagne coloured dress, dumbass. I thought for a second, Harris/Sookie had gotten some fashion sense. But no. Needless worry!!

Sookie laments the loss of her jacket and is worried she'll have to wear her old, ratty jacket (which I imagine has to be acid wash or something) but low and behold, Alcide bought her a black velvet wrap, which she naturally cries over while rubbing it on her face. 

As Alcide and Sookie enter the club, Alcide mentions that there's a full moon that evening, so emotions (and were-hormones) are running high. The doorman tells Sookie that she's not allowed to start any shit that night, but Alcide sticks up for her. Just because you dress like a cheap whore doesn't mean you're cheap, right?

Alcide and Sookie are led to Russell Edgington's table. Sookie freaks the fuck out and squeals like a pig when she sees her friend, Tara, at Russell's table. We get a description of Tara's outfit, but I'm bored. It's gold and slutty. Then it hits her - seeing Tara there could mean something bad. Not because Tara's hanging out with a really, REALLY bad crowd, but because she doesn't want Tara to ask why Bill's not with her. So Sookie takes Tara to the bathroom to tell her to keep her fucking mouth shut. 

Tara's at the bar with a vamp called Franklin. Sookie makes some small talk and blah blah blah. Sookie asks (at one point) why there's not more humans, and Alcide says it's because of a spell. Sookie then lowers herself to talk to Talbot, all the while making judgements about him. Sookie lies about seeing Jerry and talks more about super boring shit. I hope nothing that's said is important, because my eyes are seriously glazing over at this point. 

For some reason, Tara starts talking about a dance that she and Sookie did in high school that sounds suspiciously like a strip tease. The DJ plays "Love is a Battlefield" for the whores girls, and they can't wait to get their asses up on the dance floor and gay it up. A direct quote: "Could it have looked more like some lesbian tease act performed in a strip bar?" Sookie then goes on to protest that she's never been to a strip club (**cough bullshit cough**). As more and more people gather to watch these two sluts, Sookie and Tara get more into it, "pumping" their hips...I can just imagine...

The song is wrong, but the idea is there. Urg. Of course, when they're done their song, they turn offers down left and right. Alcide is pissed off at Sookie for some reason. Not for being a huge whore, noooooo, he's mad because he told Sookie he still has feelings for Debbie and won't get to experience those sweet, sweet moves in bed. He makes mention that she doesn't seem to be looking for Bill too hard (I concur, Alcide), and she gets all weepy, which leads to everyone giving Alcide dirty looks. Blarg. Of course, Alcide apologises, and Sookie starts flirting with him, because she's a dumb cunt. 

Sookie looks dazedly around the bar and sees Eric. Suddenly...Sookie catches a thought - some dude is planning on killing himself in the bar and taking a whole shitload of people with him. Sookie wanders around trying to figure it out who it is. It's some dude in a bad suit (which Sookie snidely comments on...putting down a suit from JC Penny's when she's a frequent fashion buyer from Walmart). Sookie debates whether or not she should share this information, and after a very boring inner monologue, she yells "STAKE!!!" Everyone freaks out, and Sookie finally recognises the dude standing with the guy in the JC Penny suit - it's Steve Newlin, of the Brotherhood of the Sun fame. Sookie gets stabbed by the stake and apparently hears tweeting in the melee that follows her battle cry (tweeting??). The vampires take care of business and Sookie tries to get Tara the fuck out of the bar, but Sookie chooses friends who are like her - birds of a feather I guess. Tara is dumb as fuck and is basically walking around being a douche. Sookie's bleeding and Eric, who has been nominated to get Sookie and Tara the fuck out of there, tells Sookie he wants to lick her. Patience, my sweet Eric. Sookie reeks of a girl who wants to be licked by you. Once the artard bitches are out of the bar, Russell, Eric et al discuss Sookie's injury, and Russell says they'll all go to his house (probably for an after-party). Alcide's not there because he wolfed-out. Sookie passes out. Eric and Talbot discuss how Sookie knew that there was a stake dude in the bar, and Eric covers for Sookie, since she doesn't want them to know she's telepathic. 

Sookie and the gang arrive at Russell's place, and Sookie likens it to a gay Playboy mansion. Sookie's all fucked up and says she's like Scarlett in Gone with the Wind because Eric's carrying her up the stairs. Because she's all high and shit, Sookie almost blows everything by saying "He's here", meaning Bill but Eric, again, covers for her. Just before she passes out again, Eric tells her to be careful. What he really means is "Shut the fuck up, bitch."

Overview:  Sookie is a whore at the Club Dead again, to everyone's lack of surprise. Sookie gets staked while trying to stop a vampire apocalypse, gets doped up and passes out at Russell Edgington's gay wonderland.

Club Dead: Chapter 8 - Dude, Where's That Body?

Sookie, worn out from a night of ditching dead bodies with Alcide, just wants to take a nap, but they have some evidence covering up to do, so they get at it when they get back to Alcide's apartment. Sookie has some very, very, VERY late remorse about covering up a crime, but hey that's just life in Sookie's world. Alcide tells her not to sweat the small stuff, that something else will come up soon to fuck her life up and make this dead body dump and cover look as insignificant as a late fee at the library. Sookie then goes to take a nap. 

Something wakes her suddenly...it's a knock at the door!! Instead of going into the living room or wherever the door is like a normal person, she sneeks to the door of her bedroom and eavesdrops. Alcide is talking to someone about some dude named Jerry, and how he showed up at someone's apartment with a grievance about Alcide. Alcide tells mystery person that he (Jerry) hurt Sookie and that blood was drawn. This is quite the misdeed in the were culture, I guess. Alcide then says that Edgington stepped in took care of  the "hurting/disturbing Sookie" business, and the mystery person doesn't like that information at all. Finally, Alcide says the mystery person's name - Terrence. Anyhow, he pleads his innocence in the incident at the bar. Alcide reassures Terrence that he'll only be in town one more night, and that he won't make another scene. Ya, right Alcide. You're with Sookie. Sookie's a one woman drama factory. Terrence basically tells Alcide to make sure he keeps his nose clean. Should be no problem, since the ringleader that was involved in the scuffle is now dead. 

Eric shows up and taps at the window, startling Sookie as she eavesdrops. She motions to Eric to keep his bloody (haha) mouth shut. Alcide comes into the room when Terrence leaves, and Sookie tells him she heard everything. Alcide goes to the window to let Eric in. Eric's hair is in a ponytail and he's wearing glasses, so Sookie asks if he's in disguise. Sigh. Eric has a lot to learn in the area of disguise. Putting on glasses - isn't that how they fool people in Disney shows? Sookie drools a bit because Eric's wearing a suit. 

Alcide accuses Eric of putting a dead body in the closet and Eric asks if it was Bubba in the closet. Turns out Bill isn't the only missing vamp - Bubba is missing as well. Alcide fills Eric in on the shit that happened at the bar the night before and Eric asks to see her scabby shoulder. Eric then asks more questions about the body and where it might be located now. Alcide and Sookie share a meaningful stare (which I imagine to look like this...)

and they tell Eric how they dumped the body in the woods. Alcide mentions to Eric that the packmaster in Jackson came to see him, and that they seem to have gotten away with the body dump. Eric says that he'll be in the club tonight, and some other bullshit happens. Eric then tells Sookie that he's looked all over Jackson for Bill but there's no sign of him, and she'd better start getting used to the idea that Bill's really for real dead. Sookie almost faints (um, didn't she hear this might be the case before) and sheds a glistening tear from each of her blue eyeballs. Which Eric licks off her face to which I say whafaa? Who the fuck does this, and why would this be considered okay? Eric says they only place he hasn't checked is Edgington's pad (hmmm, I wonder where they might want to look...). Eric wants Sookie to tell him what Bill was working on, but since Sookie is the most clueless and useless panty-waste ever, she can't. Eric gets a little moody, to which Sookie replies by vowing to find her precious Bill. Eric tells Sookie that Edgington won't be swayed by Sookie's feminine wiles, and Sookie gets all pouty and asks how the fuck would Eric know. He mentions that some bi-sexual were's vamp girlfriend (yeah, it's just as stupid as it sounds) told him that Edgington is all about the cock (I think we knew this, but I can't remember and frankly...could give a sheet), and some wordplay is mentioned about "two natured" and shit. Sookie figures out that if Bill is anywhere, he's probably at Edgington's compound (to which I say a resounding "No shit, Sherlock). Eric looks at Sookie all sad-like, which makes Sookie all sad-like. 

Overview:  Making a body disappear makes Sookie tired. Sookie likes to eavesdrop. Eric cannot find Bill. He's probably at Edgington's manor/estate/prison. Most likely not vamp dead, but the everlasting wooden stake fucked up dead.

Club Dead: Chapter 7 - That's Not Old Mother Hubbard...

Since I've been such a bad blogger, I'm doing two chapters to make up for my lack of attention to the series...and to you guys!!

By the time Sookie gets back to Alcide, he's home. He's done something either to or for Sookie, but she decides to respect someone's privacy for once. She also notices a bit of a stench, which is funny because she just cleaned up someone else's house. Does that mean she's a dirty little oinker? Sookie tells Alcide that she'd gone to see Janice again, and they talk about Janice and her secret keeping skills (she knows about Alcide and has never told anyone...um, that's not being an excellent secret keeping, that's being a good sister). Alcide then mentions the funky smell in the house (it may be Sookie's funky underwear from the night before...). 

Janice's husband shows up and asks Alcide to help set up his Christmas lights. Wow, unable much? He says he left his kid at home since Alcide has a slut woman over. Sookie quotes the Bible at him and they both protest that Sookie's not there as a fuck buddy, at which time Sookie storms like a 5 year old into her room. After Alcide's brother-in-law leaves, Alcide invites Sookie to play Scrabble with him - hahahaha. That's one way to turn a woman off. Harris is sure to mention that even though Alcide went to college and is obviously smarter and more successful than Sookie, they are evenly matched because Sookie likes to read lady porn. 

As Sookie puts the game away, she brings up the rotten smell (I really wish it were Sookie's box, because that thing probably stinks like week old halibut). Turns out it's a dead werewolf someone's stuck in Alcide's cupboard. The were has been drained of his blood, and Sookie suggests calling the police. The were was at Club Dead the night before, and was one of the ones treating Sookie the way she really should be treated, and Alcide says that no-one would believe that they didn't have a hand in his death. Also, since the club is run by vampires and frequented by weres, they might be putting the police in a bad situation. Well thought, Alcide. Of course dumb-ass Sookie wouldn't think of that. They decide to wrap the were in a shower curtain and take him to the garage in the basement. 

To be inform us of completely useless information, Harris mentions that the shower curtain they use is blue, green and has yellow fish on it. Fuck.

Alcide pulls the were out of the cupboard (or closet, or whatever) and they duct tape the body into the curtain. Sookie mentions that real men always have duct tape somewhere. I guess I must be a real man then. Or just Canadian. Sookie says the fucking stupidest things. They laugh about how the corpse looks for a little while, then Sookie goes to get the elevator and be a look out. A man steps out of the elevator, and is very pleasant to Sookie, and makes some small talk with her. She bitches out and makes an excuse to ditch the poor guy. They finally get a clear shot at the elevator, and take the body to the 3rd floor (um, what?), then take the stairs to the basement. Why the fuck wouldn't they take the elevator all the way to the garage? What kind of condo building, if they have an elevator and a garage, doesn't have the elevator go to the basement or whatever? Anyhow...I guess that doesn't matter.

They drive the body out to the country in order to dump it.We're told that because Sookie watches the Discovery Channel, she's an expert in forensics. Alcide mentions that this night is a full moon, and when he looks at Sookie, his eyes are all fucked up. They discuss for 2 seconds who could have possibly killed the dude. Then they drive back into town.

As they do, they stop at a Wal-mart and Sookie thinks about how she hasn't bought anything for Bill this Christmas. I'll tell you something - if my boyfriend bought me a Christmas present at Wal-mart, he'd be missing at least one of his balls. 

When they get back in Alcide's truck, Sookie remembers she just got her nails done, but because she's such a crack criminal, her nails are fine. She gets a bit bummed out, and mentions this to Alcide, who says why should she be sad unless she killed the dude. They start talking about who may have killed the guy, and they can't really think of anyone. Except Debbie. Duh duh duuuuuuuh!!!

Since body dumping is hard work, they stop off at a diner to eat. They figure that the kill and stuff had to be done late at night...or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it, which leads them to talking about Eric, and then get bitchy at each other. Alcide says that Eric wants in Sookie's trousers, and Sookie spits back that Alcide is still in love with Debbie. They agree that they're better for each other than anyone else, but it can't happen. Right now. They're going to wait until Alcide is over Debbie and Sookie finds her tortured and possibly dead boyfriend and breaks up with him. Then they'll finally live happily ever after. Seriously, it says happily ever after. 

Overview:  Sookie, the dead body magnet, finds a dead body stuffed in Alcide's apartment. Sookie and Alcide decide to live out a shitty Taylor Swift song...take your pick, they're all shitty. These are seriously boring chapters. But I guess it's to get make the heat between Sookie and Alcide crystal clear. Okay, Harris, we get it. Sookie's hot and gives all the boys pant tents.

Club Dead: Chapter 6 - Most Useless Chapter Ever...

Sookie and Alcide return to Alcide's place, and Sookie can hardly wait to get her clothes off. Alcide helps her with her zipper, and naturally it turns her on. As they gaze adoringly into each other's eyes, they both agree that it's not the best time to get it on. Alcide kisses her anyhow, and Sookie gets all worked up, you know, because she's never had sex with a live guy. But she manages to push herself away from Alcide. I'm sure if he threw her a $20, he'd at least get a bj since she's all hookered out anyhow. Alcide is turned on by Sookie's huge boobs, and they both agree that when the timing is better, they'll bump uglies. Sookie hangs up her slutty dress, and bemoans the fact that there are greasy fingerprints on it. Um...say what? So naturally the people at the bar were so greasy, it was dripping off their fingers? Or maybe they stopped off at KFC at the end of the night. She puts on her little pink nighty and reads her romance novel for a while. Which tells me eversomuch about her mentality. Harris...reading a romance novel is like killing your brain cells. The book gets her worked up, but I honestly think that a slight breeze would turn on Hooker Sookie at this point. 

Sookie hears a knock at the window and screams. It's Eric. Alcide runs in to save Sookie, but damn, dude, it's just Eric. Alcide is standing there in his pyjama pants, and Sookie gets wet again. Alcide invites Eric in and Eric asks what Sookie's found out. She tells him that vamps do have Bill and that they're torturing Bill. They figure that Bill will also be killed. Eric instructs Sookie to sit with Russell Edgington the next night. Alcide rescinds his invitation into his house, and Eric is forced out. Sookie, after reading Alcide's mind, tells him that not every man in the world is in love with her. Trust me, Sook, there's more than men that don't love you. 

When Sookie wakes up the next day, Alcide has already left. Sookie dismisses her laziness by telling herself she sleeps late because she works nights. Um, Sook? Alcide went to bed at the same time you did, and he still managed to get up at a decent time. After watching the news (Harris says CNN but I can see Sookie being a Fox News fan), she's bored. You know, because she doesn't feel comfortable having private time and doesn't seem to like herself very much. I rarely find myself bored, but maybe that's because I'm not an artard. So she cleans. Way to let your host know you think he lives like a pig. Then she goes for a walk and thinks about Bill. She gets a little bitchy (surprise) because Bill won't be spending Christmas with her. While she's walking outside Janice's salon (which she calls a "shop"...), Janice calls her in. Sookie mentions to Janice that Alcide left a note as to what he was doing that day, and you'd think he'd proposed to her or something. Sookie tells Janice a bit about the night before, and a woman in the salon is a bit of a bitch about Debbie and the dude she's marrying. The same woman mentions that Debbie is into "weird stuff", like devil worship and witchcraft. Janice and Sookie feel superior that they're not into that sort of thing. Okay, Sookie. You feel superior all you want, with a vampire boyfriend, because vampires are so less evil than witches. 

Janice asks Sookie about her wardrobe for the evening, and Sookie says she's wearing beige (quite a difference from hooker red), and Janice tells her that she needs her nails redone to go with the new dress. Janice asks what Sookie's profession is, and tells Sookie that Debbie is a legal assistant. Sookie starts thinking about how Debbie has a better education than she does. Um, getting a legal assistant diploma is like taking a shit. It takes a minute effort, and you usually end up with...well...shit lol. Sookie gives herself the excuse that her telepathy made school hard. I would have thought it would have been easier, since you would know who the smart kids are and get the answers from them. But since Sookie's such a saint, she would never do something like that. But she did "excel" at homework. Who the hell excels at homework? Um, looking up answers and writing essays? Good for you, Sookie...good for you. 

The chapter ends with Sookie regretting that she's there to look for Bill instead of really being with Alcide. Shortest chapter ever, I think, and most boring. 

Overview:  Sookie gets turned on by Alcide and he wants to fuck her in return, but they don't. Eric shows up and gets the down low on what's happening with Bill. Sookie gets her nails redone and dreams about being part of Alcide's family. Blah.

A Blog I've Recently Discovered...

A good friend of mine (thanks, Cherie) has introduced me to my new obsession - the Bloggess. The first one I read (June 2011 about the chicken entitled "Pick Your Battles" had me in tears. It is completely fucking hilarious. I highly recommend it if you're in the market for following a new blog (well, her blog isn't new, but if you're unfamiliar...).

Until next time, peeples.

Club Dead: Chapter 5 - Hooker Sookie Hits the Clubs

We begin this chapter with a description of Alcide's sister - not very interesting. Janice is tall and purdy. We're told that Sookie rarely visits beauty salons. You know, because she's naturally beautiful and doesn't need to do any maintenance like we normal folk do. Sookie tells Janice this, and Janice tells her that they need to do the works on this raw piece of mess that is Sookie. Janice wants to do this for Sookie because she hates Alcide's ex, Debbie. Janice tells Sookie that the event that Sookie and Alcide are attending that evening is an engagement party for Debbie and her new beau. Myself, I find that somewhat tacky - bringing a new (if fake) girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend's engagement celebration. When Janice starts to work on Sookie's hair, she naturally has to compliment her on it, and is all ooohy and ahhy over the fact that she's a  natural blonde (you just know the carpet doesn't match the drapes on this beyotch...and I'm thinking that she's got a bush like 1980s Demi Moore - Google it, because it would just feel wrong to post a picture of that). 

Sookie starts getting pampered. She gets a mani/pedi (red nails, of course) and a wash and set. She looks...amaze-sauce. Since Janice has been so nice to Sook, Sookie decides to return the favour. Surprisingly (not at all), there's a customer that steals Janice's earrings. Sookie steals them back from Janice without busting the old rich bitch who took them. She does so by telling the lady she has a spot of gel on her, and wipes nothing off "just for verisimilitude". Seriously. That's the word she uses. However, she uses it wrong, because the meaning of the word is "the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability". In one way, it could be argued that it's used properly, but in reality...not so much. And I think I just became dumber for trying to understand why the hell Harris would try to punch the English language in the box so hard. Then again, the legendary quote of "I must be gonna live" hurts my feelings so bad, I'm not surprised at this minor fuck up. Turns out, Janice is fully aware of the klepto-senior, and chides herself on leaving something within reaching distance. 

Sookie heads back to Alcide's place, and it's chilly willy outside. To which I say - shut up. Unless you have experienced -40 degrees Celsius with a wind chill (making it -50), then boo-frigging-hoo. Wear a goddamned jacket, pussy. Alcide's home and they make small talk. Sookie mentions that she's never really been at a salon, which shocks Alcide, so she distracts him with her shiny, red talons. Sookie warns him that she's going to whore herself up for the evening, leaving him wanting more. When she's done, she comes out and makes Alcide spill his sody-pop. Are you ready for this outfit? Because honestly, I don't know if I can find a freaking picture to match this masterpiece of shit-tacular trash. It's a red dress (described with three adjectives for red, in case you don't know what red is), with no shoulders and separate sleeves (like gloves?), is short as hell and flares out. 

This is the closest thing I could find to the description. I'm sorry guys. I'm a bit disappointed in myself. The only other thing I could find that came close was a red latex dress being worn by what looked like a very buff tranny. Which tells you something. Okay, since you begged so much (I can read your thoughts...just like Sookie), I've included that image.

She is also wearing red heels and red lipstick. To which I say whafuck? You don't wear that much red together. It's called moderation, dumbass. Nude heels, and maybe red lipstick, depending on whether or not you can pull that off...and I don't think Sookie can. Oh, and she has a silk shawl and a beaded handbag. Because you know that details matter. 

Sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth at the thought of that outfit. Erg.

Alcide tells her that she looks mouthwatering. Yeah, you know how your mouth starts to water before you puke? I'm thinking that's the kind of mouthwatering he means. Naturally, because Sookie has issues getting in and out of vehicles, Alcide has to help her get into his man-truck. He takes her to a nice restaurant before they crash his ex's party. One woman there thinks she looks like a hooker, which Sookie takes as a compliment, because she's a fucktard. They do the cheque dance at the end of the meal, which makes me laugh. As if Sookie could afford to eat at a high-class restaurant herself, never mind paying for 2 people. Alcide leaves a good tip, which makes Sookie happy, since she can't wait to receive a bit of Alcide's tip herself. Alcide asks her what she thought of one man in particular, and Sookie says he's planning on taking advantage of Alcide...business-wise. I guess Alcide didn't know about Sookie's little mind-reading trick, so she tells him.  Sookie thinks some catty remarks about the dude's wife, because she takes care of her appearance. You know, because Sookie's just naturally stunning, blond, booby, leggy...sigh. Whatevs, dude, whatevs. Alcide tests her mind reading abilities a bit and it's boring. They discuss why Sookie's in Jackson again, and I'm bored. 

They get to the were club and Sookie asks if it's a club open to the public, and Alcide tells her it is. Sookie finds the club unappealing from the outside. Want to know what the name of the bar is? Club Dead. How funny, huh? The club is owned by a vampire and they have a goblin working at the front door. They go in and Sookie is disappointed at how lame-sauce the club looks. There are signs on the walls warning the clientele not to change into their were selves while at the club. The people who are in the bar are vampires, humans, and weres. Sookie spots a couple surrounded by party animals (haha, I'm funny). She's tall with short dark hair and the dude has a flat nose. Not hunky like Alcide at all. Sookie uses her amazing deducting skills to figure out that the woman is Debbie. She's wearing a half-normal outfit - a gold silk blouse (to which I say again - who the fuck wears silk shirts/blouses after 1995?) and brown pants - oh and boots. Sookie labels Debbie as a phony bitch. Yup, this from the woman who grins maniacally at people, thinks shit about them and is only bitchy when they don't bend to her every whim. Sookie, you're so freaking hypocritical. Look that word up in your dictionary, since you probably don't know what it means. 

Sookie orders a champagne cocktail (which I've heard only strippers and hookers drank) and Alcide orders a beer. Sookie gets all up on Alcide because Debbie's watching them, and he's confused. Since Bill has unleashed her inner whore, she's very confident in her sluttiness. Debbie eventually comes up and Sookie and Debbie engage in a bitch-off. Debbie makes fun of Sookie's hair (her own hair being more modern) which leads Sookie to shake her hair all over her bare naked shoulders and ask Alcide if he likes it. Alcide pops a bone to show her how much he likes it. Debbie alludes to Sookie being a hooker, to which Sookie takes offence. Um, I'm sorry, but just a few pages ago, some strange woman thought she was a hooker and she took it as a compliment. Sookie, for some reason, is considering herself to be lady-like and says nothing. For some reason, Debbie apologises. I wouldn't have. I would have stood by that comment, because from what I read of her outfit and shit, she seems very prostitute-y. Sookie makes a bitchy comment about Debbie's leather pants being made out of a relative and Debbie leaves. I think that Sookie's comment is much more assholeish than Debbie's. 

As the night goes on, Alcide describes the shapeshifting world to Sookie, basically being that all other shifters are poseurs and that werewolves are the only badass shifters around. They don't seem to be very intelligent, since most are brick masons and the like. (Honestly, I have respect for all trades, but I'm just being a grouchy bitch.) Sookie says those occupations are useful. Really? Really? Plumbers are useful? Mechanics are useful? Thanks for the update, moron. 

Alcide asks Sookie to dance, which delights her because surprise, surprise - Sookie is a kick-ass dancer. They slow-dance across the dancefloor (slow dancing does not constitute real dancing - it's just an excuse to rub up on someone of the opposite...or same, I don't judge...gender when you're hammered). Somehow, Sookie overhears two people talking at the bar, and instantly, Sookie knows they're talking about Bill. One of the people is human, so she decides to listen in on his thoughts. Alcide leaves her so she can eavesdrop in private. She's horrified to think that they may be torturing Bill, since it's such an un-American thing to do. 

While she's standing there by herself, some were dude grabs her for her lady-of-the-night company, and she's insulted. Seriously, honey, you look like a hooker. How many people have to tell you that before it sinks in? The guy gets a bit handsy with her and she bemoans the fact that she's wearing fake nails, since she can't make a proper fist with which to hit him.  We're put through 2ish pages of this crappy torture when finally to my utter lack of surprise, Alcide and the goblin come to her rescue. Sookie considers her need for Neosporin (???) all the while a giant bar brawl is about to come to pass. The vampire in charge of the bar puts a stop to all that nonsense and apologises to Sookie - a non-regular and stranger. I would have kicked her out, since she's the one who started the rukus by dressing like a whore and trying to stomp on people's feet. The bad and mean weres are kicked out of the bar and ordered to apologise to Sookie. Sookie's bleeding from where the were grabbed her shoulder, and the vamp points this out to her. She offers him a lick from her shoulder. Sigh. The vamp? Russell Edgington. Wow, what a coinkidink!! Just the vamp they were looking for!! They blather on about non-important crap for a while, and I think I fell asleep for a little while there. Sookie and Alcide are invited to come back the next night. 

Alcide comes over to Sookie with her shawl and there's a big burn in it. Sookie starts crying, because she's a little bitch. Alcide, being a gentleman, puts his jacket on her which embarrasses her. Why the fuck would it be embarrassing to accept a jacket when yours has just been ruined? I want to slap her so hard. Alcide apologises for leaving her alone in the bar. Sookie says she's used to it, since she's a waitress in a bar, and Alcide tells her she shouldn't be working in a bar. Again...???? Sookie jokes around (yeah jokes) and says that Alcide should marry her. They talk about how Russell has Bill, and Alcide wonders why they want Bill so bad. Sookie says she knows why, but it's a secret. 

Overview:  Sookie goes to a salon, then dresses like a whore. She almost gets accosted by men, because she looks like a whore. Sookie and Alcide run into Russell Edgington. Russell has Bill. And I despair the enormity of the pages in the book wasted on unnecessary bullshit.

Club Dead: Chapter 4 - Beefcake-y Goodness

Since Sookie's being called out of town, she decides to do laundry and other housekeeping, as any normal person would. While she's doing this, she stews over the fact that Eric is making her go to Mississippi. She also broods over the fact that Bill being in her life has fucked her royally. Although I seem to remember the Sook-meister saying that her life sucked (no pun intended) before the vamps entered into it. We're stuck hearing about her mundane daily acts of living. Oh, and we're told AGAIN how much she likes to read and how self-educated she is...even though the books she packed were romance novels. All I ever learned from romance novels is a number of ways to refer to penises and boobs. That was when I was 18, and I'm proud to say I haven't picked up one of those pieces of crap for years and years. Then she goes to bed.

A thought wakes her up - what if Bill wasn't kidnapped but went to Mississippi of his own volition. Naturally, she doesn't use that word - that would be too big of a word for her. Then she wonders if the Shreveport vamps are looking through Bill's house. 

When she decides to really wake up, there's a knock on the door, and it's a big, burly man. She immediately knows that he's a were and asks him if he wants coffee. He tells her to throw some eggs and sheit with that coffee, and he's in. The burly were's name? Alcide Herveaux. 

Yum. I'd also like to throw out a thank you to Magic Mike for giving me some bedtime fodder. Sorry, must wipe drool from my keyboard and get back to the book. In a minute. Sigh. Okay. Now back.

So, Sookie cooks him up breakfast. And we're told he eats neatly. What does that mean, anyhow? That he didn't use his hands? That he didn't drop any eggs on the table? Or that he didn't lick his knife? Whatever, dude, if Joe Manganiello licked his knife, I'd just sit there with my hands under my chin, looking dreamily at him, and tell him to do it again. And if he wanted to bring his friend, Channing Tatum, along for breakfast, then by all means.

Magic Mike. Sigh. 

Sorry, off topic again. Seriously going back to the book now.

We're told in excruciating detail how Sookie washes her dishes. She thinks to herself that her life should be cooking and cleaning for a man - amazing, isn't it, when she tries to tell herself and the reader how liberated she is? We also get a description of werewolves, and the fact that Alcide is a real man. Alcide tells her he's cooperating because his dad owes a bunch of money to vamps because of his dad's problem with gambling. Sookie tells him that Bill is the only vamp that she voluntarily spends time with, and that a were had kidnapped Bill. Alcide tells Sookie that the were that kidnapped Bill is part of a gang of mainly weres and big shifters. Alcide asks what her reason/skill is, since she hangs with vamps. She's surprised that he's never heard of her (fucktard, he's from Jackson, in another state, why the FOOK would he have heard of you??!!). 

Alcide mentions that he doesn't trust Eric, and that he might use Bill for Eric's own devices. Sookie says that Bill "knows stuff". Sigh. Yeah, he knows stuff, Sookie. Alcide tells Sookie that what he'll be doing is taking Sookie to a club in Jackson that caters to weres and other supernatural creatures ("supes"). He tells her it's a party club, thinking that she wouldn't have anything to wear. Wow, I just realized - we didn't get a description of whatever fashion-backwards outfit Sookie is wearing. Hmmmm.

Sookie mentions that his girlfriend might not like him taking another woman to a club, and he says that he broke up with his girlfriend a while ago. Sookie thinks that woman is an idiot. That to me means that she and Alcide's ex have something in common. 

Sookie goes upstairs to put on one of the "party dresses" that she bought from Tara's Togs. That she bought herself, not through Bill's tab (you remember - he bought the building that Tara's store is in. What does the dress look like? I don't know yet, because she just zips up the bag the dress is in after admiring it. I guess we'll find out what it looks like later. Alcide comes into the bedroom and asks if Sookie is ready. He nods at her curtains for some reason. I've never had a guy come in and nod at any of my window dressings. But then, I'm finding that Harris's imaginary people and my real-life experiences don't exactly mingle cohesively. 

Sookie calls Sam and tells him that she won't be into work for a while. Sam wonders who is going with Sookie, and she tells him who it is. Sam wants to talk to Alcide. Sookie gives him the phone, and goes to look at Alcide's truck. It's a Dodge Ram extended cab. A real man's truck. To me, it would indicate compensating for a lack of size. Then Sookie is pissy for some reason. That reason? Alcide told her about the dress code at the club, but a vampire never would. Ummmm, okay. Makes total sense in Sookie world. 

Alcide comes back from talking with Sam, who had told Alcide to look after Sookie. Sookie gets a bit moist while checking out Alcide's truck, and snoops on the inside, looking at Alcide's company papers (which is a bit cunty - what if there is confidential information in those papers, artard?) and finds out that Alcide owns his own company and that he's got multiple offices. She asks if Alcide's dad is a were too, and he tells her that both of his parents are weres, and the only way to produce a were child is to have both parents as weres. Even after him telling her that, Sookie asks why there aren't more were children. Alcide also says that only one child of two weres carries the were trait, and that a lot of were babies die. Sookie finds out that Alcide's ex isn't a were but a shifter. 

That makes Sookie think about Sam and we get a boring ass recap of Sam's background. Sookie keeps questioning Alcide about his ex, and he says that he doesn't really want to pass his were gene on. I find that Sookie is getting mighty personal with someone she just met that morning, maybe a couple hours previous. Alcide says that he prefers to date human chicks but that it's hard but that he "ha(ve)s to date someone". Um, why do you HAVE to date someone? Just jerk off, jerkoff. Sookie thinks about how much she misses Bill, and that she realised that watching The Last of the Mohicans. Fuck, really? 

Sookie asks about what happens if Alcide were to bite someone while a were. She's told that would turn the person into a half-were, and some other crap. He says that weres can't come out to the general public like vamps did, because they'd end up in zoos. Yeah, okay. Sookie wonders why he feels comfortable telling her all his secrets (I'd like to know that too, I would have told that nosey bitch to fuck off already), and he says that it'd be easier to spend time with her if she knew everything about him. And what has she told him? Nothing, except that she dates a vamp who was kidnapped. He also says that he feels like he really knows her. How? I don't know. Because she cooked him breakfast and he saw her curtains? And not even her meat curtains...

Alcide continues to tell Sookie his life story, and it's really all blah blah blah. They stop for gas (is it necessary for us to know that? Not at all). Sookie, being the most awesome blond cupcake in the world, offers to pay for gas and Alcide, being the hunkiest beefcake in the world, waves off her offer. But you and I know that it was just for show - as if Sookie would have paid for the gas. After they stop for gas, Sookie tells Alcide about a field trip that she, her Gran and her Sad Old People's Club took somewhere I could care less about, and that Bill spoke at the Sad Old People's Club. Alcide asks who Bill's sire is, and Sookie says she doesn't know. She also says that she doesn't think that Bill is her boyfriend anymore (um, since when??) but that she still has to find him. 

They get to Jackson and Alcide points some boring shit out to her. They go to Alcide's apartment where they "scramble" out of the truck. Why do they scramble? Because maybe that's just the way they roll in Jackson. Alcide lets it slip that he and his father own the building (which are condos) and that there are some very infuential neighbours there...meaning Alcide's fairly well off. There is a fooking boring description of Alcide's apartment. There's a kitchen, a living room, a closet, two small (??) bedrooms and a small bathroom. Wow, judge much? But...the master bedroom is big with a big bathroom. Oh, and the whole apartment is beige. And has bamboo wallpaper. 

Sookie puts her shit away, and thinks about how great it was that her grandmother is dead and that she has the house to herself, since there wasn't any money when Gran died. Then she thinks about how much she's struggled financially, and how easy the Bellefleurs have it because Bill gave them a shitload of money, and how she's so much better than anyone else because this bitch don't take money from nobody. 

Alcide comes in and asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says lies, and says she's sad because she misses Bill, not because she's a broke-ass ho. Then Sookie realises that she wants to rub her sexy tan body all over Alcide, and she thinks about how warm Alcide is (as opposed to Bill, who is dead and cold). 

Then there's a complete change of subject, and they decide to go out for dinner. He says they'll go out at eight. It's currently two in the afternoon, and Alcide's going to leave Sookie alone while he goes out and does some business shit. The weird thing? She doesn't think "Oh, then I'll go out, walk around and check out Jackson, since I've never been here". No. The first thing that's brought up in the book is that his house is clean, so there's nothing for her to do there. Um, really? When I'm a guest in someone's house, I don't automatically think "Man, I've got to clean this shit up" if someone leaves me alone for a while. But then, I'm not socially retarded like Sookie. Alcide suggests that Sookie visit his sister, Janice, who is a hairdresser. Sookie, who was just whining to herself about her lack of money, is hesitant, but Alcide glosses over that fact by saying she should just go there to introduce herself to his sister, since they're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend and all. Then he leaves.

Overview:  Sookie meets Alcide. They drive to Jackson. We're introduced to the were background. That's pretty much it.

Club Dead: Chapter 3 - Kings, Kidnapping, and Killing

Thank you, my anonymous commenter, for getting my arse in gear to write another chapter summary!!

Sookie is in bed, with no plans on getting out of it - even when her doorbell rings. It's noted that she now sleeps in Gram's room, and that Bill has made a little dark place for himself for when he stays over. She decides that it's time to get up, and goes to look in his hole. His computer et al are in there, and she's all gooshy over the trust he has in her. She nods to herself (why, I don't know), and hides the trapdoor to the hole over and puts some summer shit over it. Then she goes back to bed. When she wakes up again, she realises that Bill is in bed with her, because there's cold arms around her. Ya, dumbass, it's Bill. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise immediately that it's Eric, which she eventually does. He tells her she stinks (awesome!) and that she should go take a shower. Eric tells her he needs to talk to her. She's all pissy and thinks about revoking her invitation into her house from him, but rethinks it when she figures out that if something happened and someone was there to kill her, Eric wouldn't be able to save her. 

After her shower, she puts on (seriously) a red and green sweater with reindeer on it. 

Sexy shit. She mourns the fact that Bill isn't there to brush her hair for her (sigh), as well as the fact that she's not sunbaked anymore, but thankfully because of fake bakes, she still has some colour. Then she goes on about how she loves summer. Then she thinks about how she thought that Bill would cuddle her up during the winter cold and yells "you bastard". You know, because he's missing and isn't there to be her dead old boyfriend. 

She comes out from her post-shower ritual of swearing about Bill and throwing a brush and Eric asks if Pam and Chow can come into her house. She admits them in, and we get a recap about how Sookie lives in Gran's house and Jason lives in her old parents' house. She goes on about how old the house is, and once again, I could give a fuck. 

Sookie gets some True Blood out for her guests, and then contemplates Chow. It's pointed out that he's Asian and has some tats, and blah blah blah. Then she contemplates Pam, who is wearing white knit pants and a blue sweater (not worth having a picture, sorry guys). They all discuss Bill, and Eric tells Sookie that Bill has been kidnapped. They don't know who kidnapped Bill, but some humans from Mississippi are witnesses. They're not giving up any info, and Sookie finds out that there is a king of Mississippi. She thinks that's funny, because she does not have a good sense of humour. Also, she remembers that there's a queen of Louisiana. She asks Eric if he's the king of Louisiana, and he replies that he's the sheriff of Area 5 (so we now find out Eric's title). This makes Dumbass cry because she laughs so hard. Dumbass. Eric explains how the US is divided into territories and kingdoms (or vice versa). Russell Edgington is the king for Mississippi, ordered the kidnapping of Bill, and he's the guy they have to go to if they want any real information about where Bill is. Before they go that route, Eric wants her to use her telepathic powers on the humans. Sookie wants to know what's going on, so Pam tells her:

- Betty Jo (who is second in command from Russell) was supposed to take a flight to St. Louis;

- Humans took Bill's coffin instead;

- The humans left Bill at Anubis Airlines unguarded;

- Someone took Bill's coffin.

Sookie has doubt that someone could over-ride the airline's security. The papers for Bill's coffin may have been mixed up with Betty Jo's, who was supposed to be making trade agreements with Missouri. Sookie wonders why they would take Bill, and Eric mentions Bill's little top secret project, and asks Sookie what she knows, which is really nothing, of course. Eric doesn't believe that Sookie doesn't know anything, to which she replies bitchily that Bill is an almighty vampire and she a mere human, and why the fuck would he tell her anything. Eric becomes authoritative and says that she better be telling him the truth, or there will be T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In the form of torture, which he doesn't want to do because he might break her and she'd be useless to him (dude, she's already useless...just saying). Eric lets it slip that the project that Bill was working on was behind his back, and Sookie has an "uh-oh" moment. Then she blames Bill for putting her in this situation (what situation? Of not knowing anything? Of having 3 vampire visitors? Being in danger? She does that just fine on her own). So, what does she do? She starts crying. Pam (loves her!!) says "She's leaking again". Pam wants Sookie to be informed of everything that's going on, to which Eric and Chow are doubtful. Eric tells Chow and Pam to go outside. Sookie gets pissy that they leave their unrinsed bottles on her table. For someone who is so keen on manners, I wouldn't expect my guests to take bottles or glasses to the sink and rinse them. Douche. 

Sookie contemplates fainting but Eric tells her to knock that shit off. He tells her that he doesn't want her to be scared of him, because he likes her. He also wants to fuck her. Hey, at least he's straight-up about it. Sookie notes his fangs are out, so he probably wants to do her right now. Sookie asks if he plans on torturing her. He says no. Then Eric tells Sookie the situation. 

Turns out that Bill was summoned to Mississippi by a woman vampire, Lorena, who had been seriously involved with Bill for years. She has some kind of power over Bill (I do know what it is, but I'll keep it a secret for those of you who don't know), but even then Bill wanted to make sure Sookie was looked after, financially. Sookie takes this as an insult (of course she does, dumbass). Eric didn't want to tell Sookie this, but claims Pam forced his hand. Eric tells her that her task has her life, Bill's life, Eric's life and probably others in Sookie's hands. Oh, dude, good luck with having that artard in charge of making sure shit happens. Eric tells Sookie that she won't be going into this alone, that he's hired a werewolf to be her bodyguard. Sookie and the werewolf will go around Jackson and will scan the brains of the humans around Russell's kingdom. Eric also notes that the guys who took Sookie were probably from Jackson and were werewolves as well. Sookie snarkily says that instead of her, they should have taken Lorena, to which Eric replies they may already have Lorena, and it may have been Lorena who betrayed Bill. Eric also wonders aloud why Lorena was in Mississippi and talks about how they could or would handle it, like kidnapping someone in return, which would result in a war. Eric tells Sookie that they'll get Bill back, and if she wants, they (Sookie and Bill) can be together again and reassures Sookie that he (Eric) is looking out for her. 

Sookie tries to break down what Eric has told her - that Bill was working on a project for the queen of Louisiana (I didn't get that, maybe I'll quickly re-read what I skimmed over) and can barely restrain herself from laughing about the queen thing again (fucking dumbass) and that Eric had no idea about the project.

Okay, just quickly re-read, and it mentions nothing in this chapter about Bill doing anything for the queen, but since it's been so long, it may have been mentioned in another chapter, and I've since forgotten. Anyhow on with the story. 

Eric tells Sookie that the queen told him that Bill was working on something, but that the queen doesn't know Bill is missing. Sookie asks why, and Eric says that the vamps in his area would be severely punished. Then he rubs his face on her cheek. Um, where the fuck did that come from? Sookie pushes and wants to know what the queen will do, but Eric won't tell her. So, then Sookie wants to know what she gets out of this deal. Eric say she'd get Bill back, and wouldn't that be enough? Haha, Eric! Way to stick it to her! Sookie, being the greedy bitch she is, says that's not enough, and that she wants Eric to kill Lorena (get rid of her competition, so to speak). Eric agrees, but asks if Lorena was human, would she still be asking Eric to do this. Sookie says no, if Lorena was human, she'd kill the bitch herself. 

Eric and the other vamps leave, and Sookie contemplates her new bad temper, and blames it on her interactions with vampires. Yeah, Sook, I'm kind of thinking you were a full time bitch before they came on the scene. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Overview:  Sookie finds Bill's computer in her closet. Eric and his entourage come over and tell Sookie that she's about to find herself on her way to Mississippi to find Bill, who has been kidnapped on the orders of the King of Mississippi. Sookie blames her cuntishness on the vampires. I call bullsht.

Apologies, and Apologies, and Apologies!!

I'm here again to apologise! I've been busy starting a new job and moving, so I really do have an excuse for not writing. It's been a bit of a gong show, but I promise, promise, PROMISE to write another post soon. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment lately :)

Club Dead: Chapter 2 - Bill Goes on a Milk Carton

Sookie arrives home to find that Elvis Bubba is waiting for her. Eric has sent him to guard Sookie until someone else who is a bit more...with it can make it from Fangtasia. Sookie tells him he's not allowed to go to work with her, and tells him he has to sit in her car. Nice. He tells her he needs to be closer than that, and she says MAYBE he can stay in Sam's office. 

When they get to Merlotte's, Harris decides to give us some history - Sam bought it when it was a shitty bar and transformed it to the amazing hang out it has become. We also get another description of Sam. All in all, fairly boring. 

Sam says Bubba can stay in his office, and asks why Sookie needs to be guarded (good question, Sam). Of course, Sookie's smiling her creepy smile while this is going on. 

Out of the complete blue, some dude tries to punch Sookie. In an act of complete not over-reacting, Bubba kills him. Nobody knows who he is, but it turns out he's a werewolf. Um, what? Why the fuck would a werewolf be after Sookie, and why wouldn't we get a little bit of foreplay before Harris tries to shove this new twist up our asses?

Bubba saw this dude out in the parking lot waiting for Sookie. How the hell would he know that he was waiting for Sookie? Did he have, like, an airport sign? Anyhow, he had gags and other kidnapping paraphernalia. Another issue - a cop is heading towards the threesome (well, foursome, if you count the dead guy). Sookie tells him that the toilet is overflowing, and can't go pee. Sam mentions involving the police, and Sookie says there's no way to explain the dead dude. 

Sam and Bubba carry the dead guy out to the car, and Sookie gets to work cleaning up the murder scene. Kevin (the cop) comes back to see if he can pee, and he's given the green light to do so. Sookie stretches her mouth into her freaky grin again, and gets to work. Her co-worker, Charlsie, say it's a slow night, and points out the local drunk, Jane Bodehouse, to Sookie. Sookie doesn't like Jane. Not because she's a drunk, but because sometimes she tries to pick up dudes when she's drunk. Sookie talks to Arlene for a bit, and smiles at Arlene's newest conquest. Man, that Arlene gets around. I'm surprised she's Sookie's friend - she seems like a bit of a whore. Turns out that the werewolf asked Arlene about Sookie, but didn't know Sookie's name. Sookie thinks about how her kids didn't get their intelligence from Arlene, because Arlene's pretty stupid. I get now why they're friends - Arlene is either as stupid as or stupider than Sookie. Yeah, so Arlene told him when Sookie would be coming in and when she would be there. 

It's a slow night at Merlotte's. Turns out that even though the werewolf was wearing motorcycle gear, he drove a car there. You know, because people who drive motorcycles ride bikes and only bikes all the time. Also, the were is from Memphis. Sookie laments the cheapness of her customers (it sounds like she did a great job of ignoring them while she was aiding and abetting a murder). 

Pam comes into the bar and asks if Bubba made it to Bon Temps. Sookie says he did, and asks Pam what's going on. The big news? Bill is missing!! Sookie acts obtuse (another word of the day - I seriously have to wonder what kind of vocabulary she had before she got a calendar). The vamps are looking for Bill, but want to make sure that Sookie's safe as well. Yeah, I'm sure that would be at the top of their must-do list. 

Pam decides to take a look at the were's car to see if she can find anything. Sam asks when Bill went missing, and Pam tells him last night. He was supposed to call, but didn't. Eric calls, and wants to talk to Sookie. Sookie, for some stupid reason that I can't figure out, isn't talking, but Eric talks to her anyhow, because he can hear her breathing. Eric assures her that they will avenge Bill and protect Sookie. Sookie starts thinking about how Bill lied to her and might be dead. Sookie has a hard time getting into her car (because she's a fucking moron who forgets how to open car doors when she's upset - this isn't the first time this has been an issue, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last). Sookie then drives away from Merlotte's. 

Guess what? Sookie decides to get her bitch on again. She stomps around her house and puts on her...ahem...long-sleeved blue nylon nightgown. 

That Sookie is a sexy bitch. 

She starts wondering where Bill could be. Then she starts thinking about if Bill were dead, which would mean that she could go back to her "normal" life. Maybe she'd start fucking JB instead of Bill. You know, since JB is so stupid, she wouldn't have to worry about reading his thoughts. She also thinks that Bill might have left her his money, which would help her out. Then she starts thinking about how great it is to not hear vampires' thoughts. Sigh. I swear I've heard this somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the first two books. Then she starts thinking about her dead grandmother and her dead parents, and how they left her all alone too. 

Sookie gets into bed and starts crying, and thinking about how hard her life has been, and what a fucked up chick she is. She misses BIll and wants him there so he can listen to all her whiny complaints (which apparently includes cable for some reason). She drifts off to sleep thinking that she's not good enough for someone to want to share their life with. Um, dur, I could have told you that.

Overview:  Elvis is back in town, and is Sookie's bodyguard. Some dude tries to punch Sookie out, but Bubba kills him up good. Bill is missing.