Club Dead: Chapter 13 - Danger at the Gas Station

Eric and Sookie are walking to their sweet, sweet ride when Eric calls Sookie out on constantly bailing out on Bill. She tells Eric to mind his own fucking business and that from now on, she's just going to hang out with normal, breathing people. Eric basically says "Yeah, try going back to regular people after having been bang-bang-bangity-banged by vampires, who don't get tired ever and can probably go for days and days. Need to put up my favourite bang song...

So, Sookie decides that maybe she should just jump on the single train for a while. She starts thinking about Ann Landers...sigh. Apparently, she and Jason read Ann Landers all the friggin' time because, um, that's what people do growing up in Louisiana. 

Sookie starts mulling over how fucked up her life has been since she met Bill and then about how much better he's made her life, and going back and forth and bla bla bla. She starts mentally bitching about how Eric's not talking to her during their long ride back from Alcide-ville to Bon Temps. They stop for gas and she needs to drain her lizard. Eric needs to gas up the car (I can't imagine why a huge gas guzzling car would need to fill up) and Sookie notices a "peroxide blonde" filling up a car. Sookie, fuck you. Fuck you so hard in the ear. I believe in one of the books Harris mentions her getting highlights...and I think it might be mentioned in this book. Whatever. Suck mah bloggy balls. Oh, and she's got some dark roots. Okay, so she's a typical wench from Bon Temps. Congratulations. You know, you gotta wonder why Sookie doesn't listen in on her thoughts (and those of some dudes talking in a pick up truck) if she thinks something hinky is going on. But then, sometimes I just make too much sense. I'll try to stop that. 

Sookie goes into the bathroom (and doesn't bother shutting the door tight behind her) and does her business, then gets grossed out about how shitty she looks. When she leaves the bathroom, she sees that the store is getting robbed. Now, it's been a while since I've read the book in the entirety so I have to say now...wha fa? What the fuck is going on? Will there be a point to the store getting robbed? Let's read on and see. 

Sookie starts reading their thoughts and they don't know that she's there. Man, she must have been in that bathroom for a long time. Maybe dropping the Browns off at the Superbowl? Then she wonders where Eric is, and she gets all bitchy (surprise) and thinks that Eric left her...just like Bill. Jesus fuck. 

So, the robbers ask if they've seen a skanky looking blonde come in. Okay, they didn't say skanky looking, but we all know the truth. The store clerk says he didn't notice (he's lying - he can see her) and Sookie thinks how lucky she is to be wearing sweatpants and slippers. Uh, okay. The clerk distracts the robbers/possible kidnappers by saying a car pulled up and Sookie sneaks out. Sookie does her patented duck walk (do you remember the previous video?) and steals the clerk's keys to his truck and grabs a gun out of there. 

Okay, I know I'm from Canada and guns aren't huge out here, but really...honestly...do people really have guns in their cars in the US? This is a for-real question. Because in no way, shape or form would I go into someone's car/truck/SUV and expect there to be a gun anywhere in there. If someone broke into my car, all they'd maybe want to take is my Chewbacca bobble head.

I love my Chewbacca. He protects my car from the Dark Side.

What I learn from Sookie stealing a gun is that now there is silver put into shotgun shells to be able to affect vampires. Effect? I had this discussion at work. I think it's affect. Maybe effect. Feel free to educate me. So Sook wonders again where Eric is while she loads the silver laced shotgun shells. Oh, and she steals a knife too. Sookie sneaks around to the front-ish of the store again and Eric then sneaks up on her. I guess the two mean dudes are beating the shit out of the clerk. Sookie tells Eric they need to save the guy and Eric doesn't see the point. Eric tells her to give him the gun but Sookie, being a southern red-neck, tells him to fuck off and starts shooting the shit out of an innocent ceiling. She tells the bad boys to let the clerk go and we get, of course, a description of the guys. The only think that is of note (to me, anyhow) is that Harris describes one of the guys hair as "no colour hair". What is that? I'm not sure. She says people call it brown because there's no other descriptor. I tried Googling it to try and get a picture, but there's no such thing as no colour hair. Farg. 

Eric starts questioning the guys about who sent them and one of the guys says "Hounds of Hell". Which is a motorcycle gang. That makes more sense. I mean...it's gotta be werewolves, right? Otherwise, that's just a stupid name. Sookie asks how they found them, and they tell her that they were to watch out...ahem...time for a quote: "A big dark guy and a tall blond guy. With a blond woman, real young, with nice tits". You know, in case you forgot for a second that Sookie has tits. Eric punches him. Nobody talks that way about his tit-bag. After some discussion, turns out that the vamps don't know these motorcycle guys are on the look out for Sookie and Eric. Eric decides it's time to get the hell out of Dodge and glamours the guys to make them forget about seeing himself and Sookie.

As they head off on the road, Sookie asks Eric where the fuck he was while she was duck walking all over the gas station. The guys thew a silver net over Eric then hit him with a gun. Now, that to me doesn't make sense. If you're a bad ass dude, why wouldn't you shoot him with your gun instead of just hitting him with the butt of it. Sigh. Maybe they didn't want to attract attention, but I can't see that being a huge issue. Whatevs. Then when Eric was free, he was figuring out how to save Sookie and the clerk-dude. Which pisses Sookie off. Eric asks what the fuck her problem is and tells her to fix her driveway (lol) and Sookie unloads on him.

She's sick and tired of vampire bullshit and taking time off work to help them deal with their vampire shit. She's poor and needs her tips from her tits and her paycheque from work, and wah wah wah. Eric mentions Bill and Sookie starts whining about how Bill never gives her money and more wah wah wah. Okay, again I say wha fa? I've had multiple boyfriends (not at the same time) and I've never asked them for money. Jesus. Eric asks her what happened to the money she got paid for her job thing in Dallas and she paid bills with it. She starts stomping to her house and she tells Eric there's someone in there (with really no lead up or anything, just kind of confusingly out of nowhere), and she opens the door and gets busted up. 

Overview:  Sookie takes a piss, finds out people are after her, Bill and Eric, and shoots up a gas station. Then moans and pisses (this time not literally) that she has no money and that for a sugar daddy, Bill sucks the big one. 

Club Dead: Chapter 12 - Soooo, What You Been Up To, Bill?

Holy shitballs, it's been a long time between posts. Urg. I was honestly having a hard time facing Sookie again. But, as season 7 of True Blood approaches (the final season!!), I have decided to be a better person and put my nose to the grindstone. Anyhow, onward and upward.

So, being pushed from behind, Sookie decides Debbie must be the culprit. Sookie keeps herself calm by breathing. She hopes that when Bill wakes up, he'll be able to get them out of the car. Then Sookie thinks...Bill will probably wake up hungrier than hell. And who's a sack full of delicious blood? Sookie, that's who. She starts worrying that he won't be able to stop feeding on her until it's too late. She recalls thinking about an article she once read (yeah, right...I bet it was a cartoon or something) where there should be emergency latches in cars. She finds the one in the Lincoln but it was disabled. She thinks for 2 seconds that Eric disabled it because he's a jealous dead man, but seriously...seriously? What a fucktard. So she sits...well, lays in the trunk and ponders life. Since she only has 2 brain cells to rub together, it's nothing too original. 

Bill starts waking up, and Sookie tries to feed him bottles of blood that she's found in the car. I have no idea why there are, but there they are. But, of course, Bill prefers Sookie over some stanky old bottles of True Blood. Why does he stop? Because Sookie pinches his ear. And it hurts him. Seriously. Bill asks Sookie if she's okay, and she says no, then (rightly so) feels guilty about being a whiner because it's Bill who's been tortured for who knows how long. Really, I can't remember how long he's supposed to have been tortured for, because I'm a bad little blogger. Bill thinks they're in a closet (and they're having sex...I knew they were kinky buggers) and when Sookie tells him they're in a trunk, he superhero punches a hole in the car truck. Sookie explains where they are (Alcide's garage) and Bill wonders who the fuck Alcide is. Then Sookie tells Bill that Eric is on the way. She debates whining about Bill leaving her or saying she forgives him because...ahem...she is "faithful unto death". Yeah, right.

Eric shows up and Sookie faints. That's all I have to say about that. Yawn.

When she comes to, all three of her fans are there: Eric, Alcide and Bill. She calls them the Three Musketeers. God, I want to slap her, as she lays there thinking about how much they all want to fuck her. Sookie tells them that she was asked to the crucifixion that night and they start quizzing her about it. They start wondering who it is that is going to be crucified. Sookie thinks it might be Elvis Bubba and Eric gets really angry about it. They decide to rescue Bubba. Alcide worries that Sookie might get into trouble because she's a murdering rescuer. Eric gets a boner thinking about how Sookie killed Lorena. 

Eric argues that if the people at Edgington's don't know that Sookie rescued Bill, she'd probably be welcome in Edgington's house. Eric starts to muse about how they could get Sookie back in. I don't know why, but this kind of talk makes Alcide happy and want to call Debbie. This pisses Sookie off royally...how dare he think of any other woman in her company?? So she tells Alcide that she thinks Debbie's the one who locked her in the trunk of a car (haha, Tragically Hip reference for any Canadians reading out there), and the vamp boys try to figure out why some dumb ass were would try to hurt Sookie. Alcide explains that it's because Sookie was his "girlfriend" at Club Dead and that Debbie must be a jealous psycho bitch. Sookie wonders why she can't just call Edgington's house to see who the lucky winner of an evening trip to Crucifixion-ville is. For some reason, they agree to this. You know, because they'd just tell anyone who calls who they're planning on crucifying. 

Sookie calls and asks to talk to Betty Joe (um...Joe? Why not Jo?) who is the person/vamp she saved. Betty Joe gets on the phone and is kind of a bitch to her. Which, of course, makes me like Betty Joe a little bit. Sookie asks if Bubba is there, and Betty Joe says yes. Sookie tells her that Bubba isn't an impersonator, but is the real thing and Betty Joe trips out. I guess they were going to crucify him, but Betty Joe intercepted in time. Oh, and I noticed a typo - Betty Joe has turned into Betty Jo. Great proof reader you have there. So, the crowd at Edgington's gets excited because hey - maybe he'll sing for them. While Eric talks to Betty Joe about them keeping Bubba for a while, Sookie wonders why nobody has mentioned that Bill and Lorena are missing. 

Sookie starts spiralling, thinking about that dude, Jerry, she killed and wondering if anyone had found him yet. She starts bemoaning her life and how it's turned to shit after she met Bill and got involved in vampire drama. Um, bitch, you have no one to blame but yourself. 

Alcide gets a call and yells at everyone to get into the empty apartment next to his. Bill carries Sookie into the apartment (she is, once again, unable to walk for some reason) and Sookie thinks about how much she wants to fuck Bill some more, then feels sex guilt. Lol. The guys are listening in on Alcide and his visitor, and it turns out his visitor is Debbie. 

Debbie's going off on Alcide, being a bitch about his sister, and about Sookie. Alcide is telling her how hot Sookie is in bed...which is probably a lie anyhow. Sookie likes some deep fanging, not banging. Oh, how clever am I...

Bill gets all jelo, and Sookie goes off, saying that she and Alcide didn't sleep together, but Bill had no problem laying the bone to Lorena and leaving Sookie all alone. She chokes him (or tries to) and Bill just lays there. Blah.

Bill starts explaining what happened to him a bit. The queen was asking him about his computer program, the one that keeps a record of all the vamps in the US of A. He was also putting photos or drawings of the ones he knew. Sookie wonders why the queen wanted it, and Bill makes mention that it would be easier to take it from him rather than collaborate or buy it from him. Bill makes mention that all vamps, even those who don't necessarily want to be, are in his little directory. 

Sookie gets tired of all the drama-rama that's going on in both apartments, and tells Eric to take her home. In the Lincoln. Ride that pony. 

Overview: Sookie figures out that it was Debbie that shut her in the trunk, and Alcide and Debbie have a big fight. We find out that Bill is making a Vampire Yellow Pages directory. Wouldn't a Linked In profile be easier?